Synthetic Shinobi (A Naruto and Nier Crossover Fanfiction)

Tsunade Senju stared at the stack of coins in front of her like they were plotting her demise. The clinking of the winnings felt too… victorious. Something was wrong, she just knew it.

Next to her, Shizune was happily chomping away on an Iwa cheeseburger, completely oblivious. That is, until Tsunade clicked her tongue sharply, causing Shizune to look up, mid-bite, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.

"I've been winning too much today," Tsunade muttered, holding up a lottery ticket like it was a cursed scroll. "First prize… something bad is going to happen."

Shizune, mouth full of cheeseburger, waved her free hand dismissively. "Oh, Lady Tsunade, it's just a superstition, nothing more." She swallowed her bite, giving Tonton, the pig nestled comfortably on her lap, a quick pat. Tonton oinked in agreement, nodding as though he were a sage of ancient wisdom.

Tsunade, however, wasn't convinced. "Superstition or not, I've got a feeling." She frowned, the kind of deep frown that wrinkled your forehead like bad laundry. "We should get out of this town."

Shizune stopped mid-chew, raising an eyebrow. "Why? What could possibly be worse than Orochimaru asking you to fix his janky, non-existent hands?"

"I don't know…" Tsunade's voice trailed off, her eyes narrowing at the door. "But I've got this feeling. Like a massive migraine is coming my way."

Shizune sighed. Lady Tsunade had been acting weird ever since Orochimaru's 'morning visit.' He'd sauntered in like a bad memory, all slithery and smarmy, asking Tsunade to heal his mysteriously non-working hands. When she, unsurprisingly, told him to get lost, he'd cursed her.

"You ungrateful wretch! You'll be damned by her! She's coming for you!"

At the time, Shizune had brushed it off. But now, seeing how spooked Tsunade was… maybe that snake had been onto something. But who was 'her'?

Before she could ponder it further, a muffled voice came from outside the casino door.

"Let me in at once. Dattebayo."

Shizune blinked. That voice... sounded oddly robotic. Was that a girl?

The bouncer at the door didn't sound impressed. "Scram, kid! This place is for grown-ups only."

"I am an adult," the voice responded, flat, matter-of-fact.

"Yeah? Prove it." The guard chuckled. "What's the most important thing you need for bedroom activities, huh?"

"Teddy bear or plushie. Easy. Although I prefer lap pillows

Dattebayo."

There was a beat of silence, followed by the guard's hysterical laughter, which echoed through the casino entrance. "Kid, you crack me up!"

The voice, still robotic, replied, "Did I just crack a joke, old man?"

The guard wheezed, slapping his knee. "No, you are the joke!"

"You leave me no choice… Hidden Leaf Secret Taijutsu Technique: A Thousand Years of Death!"

Suddenly, there was a whooshing sound, followed by an ear-splitting scream from the guard. A second later, a loud crash resounded somewhere far off, like he'd been launched into orbit.

The casino door burst open, and in walked the source of the commotion: a girl with bob-cut white hair… glowing blue eyes? And a completely blank expression. She couldn't have been older than thirteen, dressed in a black frilly dress and—wait—were those high heels? She looked like she was trying out for a goth fashion show but had gotten lost on the way.

Her face remained neutral, though she looked mildly annoyed, muttering something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like, "Stupid old man, couldn't handle a thousand years of death…"

Shizune squinted at the girl, trying to place her. There was something about her—something familiar. Had she seen her before? Maybe in the papers? Or a TV show, perhaps?

The girl, her movements stiff like a robot trying too hard to imitate humans, approached a group of gamblers sitting at a nearby table.

"Huh? What do you want?" a fat man grunted, glaring at the strange little intruder.

Without missing a beat, the girl answered, "I am looking for an old woman. Dattebayo."

The man snorted. "Your granny? Well, no money, no info, kid."

The girl's eyes, still as deadpan as ever, narrowed slightly. "I… uh… am very poor. My granny… uh… doesn't want to look after me. I am searching for her. Dattebayo."

The man shot her an irritated look, clearly not buying it. But before the girl could launch into another weird explanation, she turned and walked to the next table, her creepy robotic movements making everyone stare.

This time, she approached a woman sitting at the far end. "What's your granny's name?" the woman asked, confused but somewhat amused by the girl's persistence.

"Oh, Tsunade Senju," the girl replied, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Tsunade, who had been quietly counting her coins, froze mid-count. Her eyes went wide, and for a second, she almost dropped her precious winnings.

The woman blinked in surprise before slowly pointing at Tsunade. "Uh… she's right there."

The girl's head tilted to the side like a curious puppy—except a lot creepier—and she made her way over to Tsunade's table. When she stopped in front of Tsunade, she stared for a moment before her lips twitched into something resembling a smile. But it was more like a bad imitation of a smile, like she'd practiced in front of a mirror but hadn't quite nailed it.

"You don't look like a granny," the girl said flatly, cocking her head again. "This is a henge, right? Cool way to hide that you're old. Dattebayo."

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched violently. Her fists clenched. "Who the hell do you think you are?!"

With a dramatic flourish—well, as dramatic as a robot could manage—the girl struck a pose that was supposed to look heroic but instead looked like she'd been caught in the middle of trying to untangle herself from invisible wires.

"Naruto Uzumaki, Jounin of Konoha," she declared in a robotic monotone, "the White Flash of the Leaf and the Future Hokage on a mission to take you back to Konoha to become the Fifth Hokage. Dattebayo."

Shizune's jaw dropped. "Lady Tsunade… I read about her in the latest Bingo Book. I think that your ex-teammate was talking about her…"

Tsunade groaned, her head dropping into her hands. "Of course he was…"

The girl, apparently Naruto, seemed very pleased with herself, her deadpan expression brightening just a little, as if she was happy her name was recognized. She plopped herself down at their table and, without so much as asking, grabbed Tsunade's super rare, ultra large expensive ostrich sandwich and took an enormous bite out of it.

"Now," she chewed, crumbs falling all over the place, "let's talk. Dattebayo."

She swallowed the entire sandwich in one gulp, much to Tsunade's horror, and stared blankly at the table like she was waiting for an encore.

Shizune couldn't help but facepalm. This was going to be a long day.

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