Someone Who Understands
'This is much worse than I thought.' Rogue continued to read as Takaki, even after he had crushed Kanae's heart so mercilessly, still offered to walk her home. And then she looked at the door of her room.
It wasn't that Takaki couldn't see Kanae's love; he didn't have the capacity to. He was simply the spacecraft that hurled through the darkness at 5 kilometres per hour, trying to reach the secrets of the universe. And Kanae was a much slower rocket, lagging as she watched him drift deeper into the abyss.
In that moment, Rogue didn't feel bad for Takaki, but for Kanae. Because unlike him, she had to watch him drift further and further away without ever knowing the ones who cared for him.
It was a painful reflection of her life, one she couldn't look away from.
'He should stop holding on…' She knew those words well; it was what she said to herself every night before lulled herself to sleep. But it had never worked for her, and it wouldn't work for him either.
Just like her, Takaki was neither moving forward nor backward. And that refusal to move made him blind to others around him, and the pain he caused them.
"Even so, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and beyond, I'll still love Tohno. I'll love you, Tohno, forever and ever."
Kanae's words were like a stab in the heart. Even if she was hurt, even if her love wasn't returned, the feelings she had didn't change until the end. That hurt more than anything.
Rogue looked at Takaki's message, and at the door to her room. It was closed shut. But right then, a light knock echoed into her room with the words she had heard every day, wishing they wouldn't return.
"Anna Marie, feel like eating today?" It was Destiny again.
Rogue had a strong urge to say no, but glancing back at the screen, she stood up and walked over to the door. He fingers wrapped around the handle, the gloves gripping the metal as her head rested against the door.
"I am not hungry today." She said, despite her twisting stomach.
"I see, tell me when you feel like eating."
She could hear Destiny's footsteps going further as she slumped to the ground, her back against the door. At some point, hiding had become much easier for her. It felt like even if the world handed her something, she would ruin it with her own hands.
Was there really any reason to continue like this? Using your pain as an excuse to shut out others who want the best for you, wasn't that wrong? Wasn't it bad to hurt others when all they want was the best for you?
But if it was wrong, what could she do about it? The answer to that was much simpler.
And it arrived in the next chapter; it was released two hours after the fourth one, as if expecting that she would need it.
She scrambled to the computer, almost landing face-first on the ground. The chapter followed Takaki as an adult. It was like a mirror to Your Name. When all hope was lost, they would meet again at the end.
However, the words showed someone who was still stuck at the time he was thirteen, standing under a tree that had long withered. Rogue read through his failed relationships, the people he had hurt, people who really loved and wanted the best for him, people who wanted to spend the rest of their life with him.
But he himself refused to look at them. He was still caged in the past. Each line was a stab into her heart. She could see herself walking down this same path. Her body would age, but her mind would stay at that moment when her powers awakened, when she robbed someone of their life and their very soul.
No matter who came near her, no matter how much they loved her, no matter how happy they wanted her to be, she would never be able to see it even if it was the only thing she wanted.
And that scared Rogue more than anything.
Because she wasn't sure if she had already done this to someone. Yes, she had made her mistakes. She had created problems.
But was ending up like this the only way for her?
Takaki, who had quit his job, walked down the road as cherry blossoms drifted down like snow. Rogue could see it as the mirror of that fateful day when he felt like he saw Akari.
Unknown to her, there was a tiny bit of hope in her heart still. Because even if it was in fiction, she wanted to see her wish fulfilled.
But it all vanished as they walked past one another on the train tracks. She wanted to jump into the screen and make them turn around, but she didn't have the power, and honestly, she didn't have the will for it either.
This was their story, not hers.
As Takaki turned, a train passed by, and Akari was already gone by then.
Rogue felt a lump in her throat; in this game, the world had won. And Takaki accepted it as he turned around with a smile and continued down the road.
The words The End didnt change no matter how much she looked at them, intead they asked her a question.
If cherry blossoms fall at 5 centimetres per second, at what speed do people fall out of love?
It felt like Takaki finally found his answer, giving Rogue a hint for hers too.
If a perfect love story like Takaki and Akari's couldn't withstand the test of distance, would Rogue ever have a chance with her limitations?
The answer was in the previous work, Your Name. That too could've ended in tragedy if even one of the two stopped looking for the other. But they didn't.
Rogue had the answer before the question. And she was glad for that, really glad.
If she had read 5 centimetres per second first, her negative feelings would've become stronger, pulling her deeper into that darkness that filled her head. But she got to read Your Name first.
The two endings were like a fork stretching out before her: would she continue to be trapped while hurting others who wanted the best for her, or would she keep trying even if it meant tripping over and over?
The question arrived to her in a different form.
"Anna Marie, get your ass out right now!" Mystique banged on the door, sounding about ready to kick it down again even as Destiny stood beside her with a sigh.
But before Mystique could raise her leg and drive her heel into the iron slab, a soft click came as the door creaked open. Rogue's head peeked out, her eyes flinching in front of the yellow fluorescent light.
"Is there fried chicken?" She asked, her voice breaking like she hadn't drunk water for a few days.
"Yes, there's also pancakes, and Mystique got us some quality syrup." Destiny approached the door, pushing the exasperated Mystique to the side.
"That sounds… wonderful." For the first time in a while, a weak smile tugged at Rogue's lips.
Although it wouldn't be easy to move forward, she had already chosen to do it. Not doing so, even after getting such a clear warning, would be beyond foolish.
As Rogue ate, her mind kept going back to the two novels. They felt personal, raw, and filled with real emotions. Only someone who had gone through that pain could ever write something like that.
The hope and longing for enduring love that transcended touch in Your Name. And the real pain and acceptance that they might never find that love, but choosing to move forward anyway, in 5 Centimetres per second.
"The writer…" Rogue read the author's name for the first time. "I want to meet them."
Maybe this person would understand her condition a little more than others. And just maybe this person would not stop reaching out to her even if the whole world tried to separate them.
Rogue created an account on the website and left a small comment, hoping the writer would see it.
@Rogue983667—Thank you for sharing an intimate part of yourself like this. If there is a chance, I would like to get to know you better.
It was just one of the comments in the long wall of despair, but it made her look forward to their first meeting, whenever it may happen.
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Want to support me and read ahead?
Visit p@treon.com/c/Over_The_Moon69 to read 20 chapters ahead.
Change the @ to 'a' first, though.