Cosmonaut
'I'll just post a chapter and forget about the rest.' John shook his head.
Today was another mid-length chapter, but the tone would change. Hoping it would prepare that one reader only he could notice on the other side of the screen.
Wishing Rogue well, John hit the upload and turned to the drawing tablet, returning to his training for the next work.
***
Unlike before, where she spent most of her time in bed, Rogue found herself in front of the computer most of the day. Her eyes kept reading the ending of chapter 2 as she kept refreshing the page every hour.
Destiny had started to worry about her condition, but it helped her calm down. Even if it was words on the page, it was also a life many lived in the real world, and Rogue very clearly understood that this wouldn't happen to her. She had somewhat come to terms with that reality.
However, as she refreshed the page again, her dull eyes noticed the new chapter. The title was Cosmonaut (I).
Unlike her expectations, it didn't start with Takaki. It started with a girl named Kanae, a surfer who practiced every morning and observed Takaki from a distance as he practiced archery.
The small and light dialogue between them unfolded in her mind. The words, the actions, the small coincidences, the talk with her friends. They all added up to form one conclusion.
Kanae loved Takaki, hopelessly so.
A bitter taste overtook Rogue's mouth; there was a young, familiar silhouette in Kanae that she wished to unsee, but was unable to do so.
'Maybe I should stop here today…' She had almost convinced herself, but shook her head at last.
She continued, watching Kanae's internal struggles for the future, her attempts at meeting Takaki with coincidences, and the reflection on how she fell in love first.
Compared to Kanae's bare soul, Takaki was more muted, non-committed, kind, and from a big city. Not to mention he even remembered her after they met again in high school.
'That'll do it…' Rogue sighed, her eyes turning heavy; she could see the girl falling further.
Each time she saw Kanae act a certain way, try and watch over Takaki, it was a painful reminder of what Rogue had been through herself and where that ended.
Still, the biggest question was, where was Akari? Why was Kanae being brought into the picture like she was supposed to take her place?
'Please don't do that.' Rogue begged, knowing that it would make no difference as the ending of the previous chapter replayed in her mind.
That's when the story zoomed in on Takaki a little, showing him typing away at his phone. Rogue took it as a confirmation that he had been in touch with Akari.
Sometimes, when I see him texting. Every time. I think how nice it'd be if he was texting me.
When Rogue read that line from Kanae, her heart grew heavy. This wasn't going to end well. She could feel it in her bones. And as much as she wanted to root for the pure love between Akari and Takaki, her heart kept leaning towards this naïve, lovable girl that had just shown up and had no fault aside from falling in love.
Was it because she could see herself in Kanae? Was that why she wanted to at least have Kanae have a good end to her first love? Rogue couldn't answer that and kept reading.
The happy moments, the gossiping behind Takaki's back, and Kanae's state of mind as she kept failing at catching a wave at the beach.
For a moment, it felt like Kanae was about to give up on her love. But that was much harder to do than saying it.
"The day I catch a wave… The day I catch a wave!"
"Is the day she will ask him out." Rogue completed the words, covering her face with her gloved hands as Kanae failed to ride the wave, but it felt inevitable.
It was hard to read this, not because it wasn't accurate; the problem was that it was a bit too accurate. But that ache in her chest had started to calm down, so she continued.
Even if she stopped reading, nothing would change. So it was better to move along and face it head-on. And this was where things changed.
The dialogue between Kanae and Takaki slipped from mundane topics to how pen pals drift away. It landed like a hammer on Rogue.
Was this a signal that Takaki and Akari had drifted apart?
But how? Why?
'That can't be… No.' Rogue couldn't process that information and read through the rest in utter confusion.
Kanae had found Takaki by the beach again, alone as he stared into the phone, typing away. They had to be in touch; Rogue held onto that hope like a prayer.
But as she watched Kanae's joy turn into pain, her heart started to ache again. The two went to see the rocket. The one about to launch in the coming days.
'5 kilometres per hour,' Rogue read about the rocket about to go to the edge of the solar system with a heavy heart, as the next lines brought her greatest fear to reality.
This wasn't about the rocket, but a confirmation of Takaki and Akari's current situation. The message he kept typing and erasing.
Now, he kept typing a message that he would never send. No, he was too afraid to send it, thinking it would never reach the Akari he remembered.
That fear was stronger than the pain and suffering he went through, longing for that beautiful night every day.
"I thought we would always be together. Even if we could never meet again, my feelings, at least, would never change… That's what I thought."
"That's not possible…" Rogue hugged her knees; there was no way it would end like this.
For the first time, she sought the comfort of the comment section. She could see that there were others like her, some who said it was inevitable the moment they separated. Some long talks about how distance was brutal. Some that supported Kanae since Akari was out of the picture.
However, in the wall of words, she had found the comment she wanted.
ISpeakNothingButTheTruth—You guys are overreacting; don't you know the twists in Your Name? Watch them end up together by the end.
'Yes, that's right. There's no way it would end like this.' Rogue took a deep breath.
Taki and Mitsuha had also gone against impossible odds. They had overcome the world's effort to separate them and met again. If death couldn't stop them, how would distance stop Takaki and Akari?
Rogue waited for the next chapter, anxiously refreshing the page till the next day. She had barely eaten or slept for the day, waiting for a confirmation that arrived coldly.
Chapter 4 Cosmonaut (II)
'She got a wave.' Rogue looked at Kanae's success with a heavy heart; it was like watching someone stepping up for slaughter.
However, she thought it might be better for her to at least try. It wasn't about Kanae anymore.
If Kanae's honest love was like a mirror, Takaki's reaction to it was Rogue's soul laid bare before her.
Kanae could see it in Takaki's eyes. He wasn't there in that moment. His eyes always looked beyond her. Beyond the place he lived. He was searching for something across the horizon that never looked his way.
'This is much worse than I thought.' Rogue continued to read as Takaki, even after he had crushed Kanae's heart so mercilessly, still offered to walk her home. And then she looked at the door of her room.
It wasn't that Takaki couldn't see Kanae's love; he didn't have the capacity to. He was simply the spacecraft that hurled through the darkness at 5 kilometres per hour, trying to reach the secrets of the universe. And Kanae was a much slower rocket, lagging as she watched him drift deeper into the abyss.
In that moment, Rogue didn't feel bad for Takaki, but for Kanae. Because unlike him, she had to watch him drift further and further away without ever knowing the ones who cared for him.
It was a painful reflection of her life, one she couldn't look away from.
...
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