Ruby’s Desire

And once again, we were sitting at the table that Otto and I used for his lessons. The teacup in front of me had gone cold, however. But Otto was kind enough to pour each of us a new cup.

For a while, no one said anything. Then Otto broke the heavy silence with,

“Who else knows that you are pregnant?”

“No one else. Only you and I know that I’m pregnant with Janus’s children. Though Rika might already suspect it.”

“Children not child?”

“Yeah, I’m pregnant with Twins.”

Otto was once again deep in thought. After waiting for what felt like a whole minute, Otto took a big sip from his tea and asked,

“Are you sure they are his children?”

“Otto!? Of course, I’m sure. What do you take me for… It was my first and only time, okay.”

“Sorry,” seriously, does he believe I sleep around all the time or what? “So, even Janus doesn’t know?”

“You are right, he doesn’t. In fact, he doesn’t even remember us being intimate, I hope.”

“You hope?”

“Well, I haven’t seen him ever since… You know. It happened during the festival, and Janus left for Aldmoor shortly after. So, I don’t know whether he remembers or not.”

“Sigh, then he really doesn’t know.”

“Really?”

I looked at Otto with hopeful eyes.

“Believe me, I taught the boy there is no way he would be able to keep it a secret. He is terrible at lying. And if anyone knew that you and he had been ’intimate’, his mother would have already wanted to meet you.”

“Gulp, his mother?”

I don’t know her, but imagining someone did what I did to my children, I would be… pissed.

“Don’t worry, she wouldn’t really be mad at you, but… she would want to know what your intentions are and if you fit together. At least this is how it was when Lady Emilia had gotten pregnant after meeting her husband.”

“How did that go?”

I haven’t really seen Emilia or Margaret ever since I treated Margaret’s cat allergy. Emilia didn’t really seem like someone who spontaneously fell for just anyone.

“Well…, Cough… you should be fine. You are a way better match than that bloke.”

It seemed Otto didn’t have much sympathy for Emilias husband, the father of her daughter, Margret. But I think Otto has made a slight misassumption.

“Otto, I don’t intend for anyone else to find out that Janus is the father.”

“Pardon?”

Otto stared at me in disbelief.

“It will definitely come out that I’m pregnant, but I will keep who the father is secret.”

“Why? I thought you liked him.”

Otto had the same look as Rika when I told her off about me and Janus becoming a couple. Is the whole Fortress shipping us?

“I-I’m no one. I don’t love him. I don’t have a noble background. I don’t have any influence. I’m not wealthy. I took advantage of Janus when he was drunk. It doesn’t feel right to throw all that responsibility onto him when he never asked for it. Not to mention it might ruin his reputation and marriage prospects. He may even be forced to marry me. There is no way I could do that to him.”

Once again, a crushing silence followed. But then Otto asked the question I most dreaded,

“What about his children?”

His question made me wince like a gunshot.

“Doesn’t he deserve to know that he will be a father? Wouldn’t your children want to know who their father is? Wouldn’t they want to meet him?”

With each question, my head sank lower until I was stuck looking at my feet.

“I… I know, but I… shit.” The edges of my eyes began to burn, and tears fell down into my lap, coloring the dark blue skirt almost black. Stupid tears, why am I crying all the time? Otto gives me his handkerchief, and I angrily sweep them away.

“I won’t tell him.”

“But…”

“I won’t tell him!”

Silence followed once more.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just that I’m scared. What will happen to me? I don’t want to marry Janus. I don’t want him to hate me. I don’t want others to know about what I did. I want to be able to tell them who their father is, but… What if people started accusing me of lying about it? Would they believe that they are his children, or would they believe I’m just after his money?”

“If you don’t want to change anything, then why are you telling me about it in the first place?”

“I was scared we wouldn’t be able to speak like this again if you forced me out of that door. I wanted to talk to at least one person about all this. Sorry again for using your secret like that.”

I felt guilty for using his secret as leverage to reveal my own, but I couldn’t change the past. If I could, I would never have drunk with Janus that night to begin with.

“It’s alright, guess I scared you as well. Sigh, fine, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Really?”

“Yes, just don’t do anything rash, okay? And tell me when anything new happens. I don’t want you to bottle it all up and explode like this to anyone else.”

“Okay, I promise.”

Now that that Issue was dealt with, I got curious,

“So, who is it?

“Huh?”

“The one in the sun necklace.”

Usually, a sun necklace is worn by men and represents that they aren’t single. For women, it is a moon necklace, respectively. And usually, those necklaces have a locket that can be opened. Most have miniature portraits or personal items with deep meaning hidden in these lockets.

“Sigh,”

Otto opened the locket, revealing a lock of blond hair.

“He is the son of a powerful noble in the capital. We had been together for four years before his father found out. His father told me that he would kill me if I didn’t break up with his son and leave the capital. I was forced to write a terribly heartbreaking letter to him and fled.”

I offered Otto his Handkerchief back, but he just stuck it back into his breast pocket. He closed the locket again and said steadily,

“It happened a long time ago, I’m not sad anymore.”

Otto picked his tea cup up and emptied it in one gulp before placing it down and asking me,

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, how did you know you are into both men and women?”

Now this will be embarrassing.

“Oh, that. Well, in the past, I used to make jokes about people like you and me. I claimed that I was as straight as one could be, but then I remembered more about my childhood and learned that from an early age I had been interested in both. Looking back, I feel like an idiot for not noticing sooner.”

“And what did your parents think about this?”

“Oh, they never knew. I didn’t really have much luck in romance. To this day, I have never fallen in love, not even once, so they never really found out about it.”

My mother would have most likely not cared at all. My father, however, had a few uncomfortable encounters with gay men in his early adulthood. He assured me nothing bad would happen, but I’m not sure how he would have reacted if he had seen his son dating another man.

“Lucky you. No one I knew from the capital has ever even sent a letter my way after it became known.”

Otto threw a bitter gaze to the west through the library’s window. I wonder who he means, but if it were known, wouldn’t he be in trouble?

“But isn’t it illegal?”

“Yes, it is, but thankfully, they didn’t really have any evidence. And they didn’t want to get onto his father’s bad side. It was more like a rumor. So, when I left, it was pretty much confirmed for them.”

Such assholes. Not even sending a single letter.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it isn’t your fault.”

“So?”

"What?”

"Who is it?”

“Sigh”

Otto and I ended up talking until the moon came out.