Hindsight
In Hindsight, one is always smarter.
Should I have known that I’m pregnant?
Yes definitely.
I had all the classic symptoms from morning sickness to being constantly tired, from starting to dislike certain foods, my period being late, or, better said, nonexistent.
I really should have known, but I tried to forget everything about that night and pushed my rising concerns down until I couldn’t ignore them any longer.
In my defense, this is the first time I have been a woman, and I have only been a woman for about… Huh, just about four months. It somehow felt way longer than just four months. I mean, a lot happened, and my whole life turned around. In the past, I had a rather meaningless job, no real friends, and honestly, I started to hate my body. Now all is different, but I’m somehow still unhappy. While I enjoy my new Job a lot, I have gained a real friend in Rika, and I’m happy with my new body. I’m still unhappy.
Of course, I know why. And the worst is that it is all my own fault. I assaulted Janus, and I can’t forget what I did, even though it would be better for both of us if we just forgot about it. It seems what my mother used to say really is true:’If people don’t have any problems, they tend to make their own.’
I know what I should be doing. I should just go up to Janus and confess what I did, then our children could grow up with their father, and I would come clean on my sins. It’s just…
I’m such a coward, and I don’t want Janus to face any consequences for my actions. He would be forced to either marry me and acknowledge his children, or not marry me and acknowledge them as Bastards, which would be a massive problem for whoever he marries in the future, or he wouldn’t be allowed to recognize any of us and had to deny that I’m carrying his children.
Looking at all these Heavy decisions, it seemed easier for me just to leave and let Janus live his life without having to cover for my mistakes. Even though it would mean he would never know that my children are his as well. I could just build myself a new life in the capital as a healer, or I could even open my own school of magic with a bit of elbow grease. Healers and magicians are rare, so there was no way in my mind that I couldn’t take care of my kids, at least money-wise.
Now, looking back at the Hubris I had stated:
“I could have dealt with it by using Death Magic, but that would have turned me Infertile, and having kids and going through periods are two things I wanted to experience as a Woman. And I, who wanted the whole experience of being a Woman, didn’t want to give up on the first obstacle.”
I’m such an idiot. If I had simply made myself infertile, I wouldn’t even be in this situation. All because of my stupid sense of pride. I’m sure many women would have made themselves infertile the very minute they could, just so that they would have no further PMS. I wish I had done the same. Heck, I’ll definitely do the same once these two are out of the oven.
I had considered an abortion through death magic, I really did. It would be completely painless, and my problem would be solved. But I decided against it. Not because I believe abortion to be murder, but because I always wanted children. Considering my track record with romance, this might be my only chance without resorting to visiting a brothel. Just this once, I didn’t want to run away from hardship.
But raising them in this environment? A fortress constantly at war under the fealty of a noble distrusted by the church and without a strong faction of his own? A place where everyone would speculate who their father is? Right next to their relatives, whom they might resemble? Yeah, if I wanted to raise them in secret, I had to leave.
I can take care of them, I want them, and I would have enough money and healing magic to raise them properly… That being said, I already feel like these words will come to bite me in the future, at the latest when it is time to give birth, but I will keep them.
And for anyone curious, no, there aren’t two more souls inside of me right now. Instead, it feels more like two anchors for a soul to settle are growing in my womb. So even if I wanted to abort them, I wouldn’t hurt a single soul in the process.
However, one thing is still bothering me. All these dreams feel… for lack of a better word, prophetic? I mean, they started when Janus and I had our’ fateful’ night, and they had been getting more and more intense with each consecutive night. How could I have realistically known about myself being pregnant if my egg had just been fertilized? And all the other stuff in the first dream felt so real.
Something more was going on, but no matter how much more time I spent scanning myself, I couldn’t find anything else besides the twins that was new or different. Maybe it had always been there, whatever it may be. I hope it really is all in my head, because if not, and my dreams are somehow prophetic dreams, I might be in a lot of trouble.