The Twins
The last few weeks after Janus left have been rough on me. I wake up tired, I want to eat my favorite food, and I’m disgusted by it. I keep getting these awful headaches, and I constantly feel sick.
I keep using healing Magic to make these symptoms go away. Still, they just reappear ten minutes later, and even my reserves aren’t enough to constantly heal and run a clinic by myself.
Is this really just the guilt I have been feeling?
And I also keep having nightmares. They’re similar to the one I had about flowers, but they are much shorter. For example, in one of them, Shadowy Tendrils break through my stomach before everything goes black. I keep seeing this long, empty corridor from my first dream, but unlike the first time, this time, there doesn’t seem to be an exit. I just keep running until I’m caught by the same Dark tendrils again and again.
Just like last night.
Today was one of those days again where I would sweep through the empty clinic at the end of my day while Rika chews my ear off. It had become some kind of ritual between us.
“You don’t look too good, Ruby. Is everything alright?” asked Rika, concern evident in her voice.
“Sigh, I’m fine, it’s just I can’t seem to get enough sleep. I’m just always tired recently.” It was way more than that, but if I let Rika in on the whole picture, she would just worry about nothing. When I created this body, I made sure it couldn’t get sick, so I’m not worried. It’s all just in my head.
But despite my reassuring her it was nothing, of course, Rika wouldn’t let go… as always.
“Ruby, are we friends?”
This question made me halt in my tracks as I looked up from the same spot I had been sweeping for half an hour.
“Huh? W-what do you mean? Of course, we are friends. Why are you asking this?” I asked, worried.
“Because are friends not meant to be honest with each other? It’s okay to have some secrets, but even a blind guy would be able to tell that there is way more happening than you let on,” said Rika impatiently.
I look back at the floor, clutching my broomstick.
Rika crossed her arms and stated, “Look, I’m your friend, or at least want to be, but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
“My body is fine, I’m a healer, there is no way I could be ill,” I said dismissively.
Rika took a step forward, now standing right in front of me,
“I’m not talking about your body. Ever since Janus left, you have been moping around as if you are the most miserable person in the entire Fortress. Heck, yesterday I saw his mother happily shopping in Roots. Even she is less concerned about him than you are.”
Concerned? I’d wish. I’m not worried about his well-being, or am I?
In all my dreams, I feel like I am running from and ignoring something inevitable. A great misfortune I can’t escape from. I’m not concerned about him not coming back; I’m worried about seeing him again. I’m scared of him remembering. I’m afraid of the consequences of what I did. I’m terrified of not just losing a friend but a place to call home.
Sometimes I feel like it would be better if he didn’t return at all, and I hate myself for these thoughts. But how the hell could I ever tell Rika about… any of this?
“I… I Ehm,” and then I had an idea, “I and Janus had a… fight when he got drunk, and I don’t know how to face him now. I don’t even know if he would remember.”
“This is what got you so down? A fight?” I nodded along with her retelling of my fake story, but even I could tell that she wasn’t buying it.
“Okay, and so what happened during this’ fight’?” It was clear that Rika didn’t even for a second believe that it was just a fight.
I waved my hand dismissing her concern and answered, “It was a fight, okay. I said some mean things about him, and I regret them, that’s all.”
I hope she’ll just accept my fake story, and we can get back to what we were talking about before she started asking about how I’m doing. But of course, Rika couldn’t let such a bad lie go.
“Sigh, fine, you don’t have to tell me. I just hoped you trusted me more than this.” Just after these words had left her mouth, Rika turned around and attempted to leave. I began to panic. Wait, does this mean she won’t be my friend anymore if I don’t answer her truthfully? But I can’t tell her, I can’t tell anyone. I will be better; I will hide it better. Just don’t leave, please!
“Rika, wait! I’m Sorry, but I really can’t tell you more. I wish I could, I really do, but I just… I’m scared. I never had many friends, and I’ve already told you more than I’ve told any of my previous friends. And… and…” Against my best effort, I started crying. I’m really such a mess these days. Just what is wrong with me?
“Ruby! Okay, sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just thought that… I just got tired of you closing up all the time. How about you go to bed early, and I will call off your classes. How about it?” I could hear the guilt in Rika’s voice as she tried to console me.
I step back from Rika’s attempted embrace and force down my tears. “Okay, sniff.” I usually don’t try to stop myself from crying. If I feel like crying, I cry, but I don’t want to act like the victim or, even worse, be treated like one.
“Are you sure?” Even though Rika made the offer, my rejection of her hug seemed to weird her out, and she sounded concerned again.
“It’s okay, I will be better tomorrow after some sleep. Don’t worry, bye Rika!” I tried to act cheerful and threw the broom in the next corner before hastily rushing out the door. For some reason, I felt like if I stayed too long, I would tell Rika everything.
When I finally lay down on my bed, I again had a nightmare. And this one was worse than any I had before.
I was once again in the empty corridor, a single torch gifting a small flickering cone of light. But unlike last time, this time there were no black tendrils; instead, I could hear the sound of something dripping on the floor, followed by the sound as if someone was dragging a wet sack over the ground, closing in from both sides of the corridor. There was no escape anymore.
The slouching sounds came closer and closer, and I could hear a faint wheezing similar to breathing from both sides.
““mother””
I looked around from where this voice came from, but I couldn’t see anyone until two sets of small, bloody hands reached my cone of light. Their hands were much too small to be the hands of adults or even children; they were the bloody hands of two infants.
““Mother””
The voice came from them.
I pressed against the wall as closely as possible. I tried to avert my eyes from the horror in front of me, but found myself unable to. The two blood-covered infants reached my feet as they crawled forward. They grabbed the hem of my nightgown, staining it red, trying to climb up. I was utterly paralyzed from fear, unable to even move.
““Mother””
They said it over and over again in a sickeningly sweet sing-song voice.
““Mother””
They clawed their way up my nightgown, scaling my body, covering me in a thick trail of blood until they were right in front of my face.
““Father””
I woke up screaming.
It was utterly dark, with no moon out. I was covered in sweat. It took me a while, and I even burned my own hand on the still-glimmering brazier, but I managed to light some candles. I didn’t stop until the entire room was filled with light.
After another hour of just sitting in silence, I felt calm enough to do something I hadn’t done for the last month. I scanned my entire body. I had put it off because it takes a long time, and I have to use a lot of mana and brain power to pull it off. I had a weird feeling, as if I had put it off for a different reason, that I couldn’t even remember.
Unlike all the other times I had found nothing, this time I found it. I found them.
Two minor anomalies in my lower abdomen.
No
No
No no no no no NOOOOH!
It can’t be. I can’t be pregnant. It was only one time. A single time! No, how? Why? Why me?
Of course, no one would answer my questions. Maybe this was the proper punishment for someone like me. There is no way I could keep it a secret now. And twins? Twins, for God’s sake.
I had to leave. I will go right when the news comes back that the street to the capital is cleared. I couldn’t believe it, but I even started to look forward to Janus’s arrival.
But one thought kept me up all night. It is one thing if my subconscious believes that I’m pregnant when I’m really pregnant. It is an entirely different thing that my own subconscious knew that I had twins. How did I know that?
How did it know that?