17. The Girl
“You have got to be the first dragon I have ever met to choose your rider based on spite alone.” Amjazel chuckled as she pulled a leather strap tight around Arxet’s chest, once again in her tigress form. She had pulled Rubis’s old saddle out of storage to see how well it would fit on Arxet, it already seemed some alterations would be needed. Arxet was thinner than Rubis at the same age, and a bit taller and lankier in general.
“Well, I hated everyone there, and just about everyone in that class is probably going to be ejected from the ministry when I talk to Tiamat later. Might as well have some fun with the worst of the bunch.” She bared her teeth at the fox sitting across from her in the courtyard.
“Like you’re one to talk. You outed me too.” Tifse snarled from across the way. Emren was working on patching the sleeve on her arming doublet where Arxet had torn it open, and Tifse was replacing the leather straps for her gauntlet. She had been forced to make the march back into the academy in front of the other students to reclaim it while Arxet waited outside. She had gotten a good taste of the ridicule that Arxet had suffered during her time in the academy.
“On your last day seeing any of those people, since they’re being expelled from the ministry and all.” She grinned back at the fox. Arxet still thought she got off far too easy. Tifse wouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of everyone else finding out she was cursed too.
“Didn’t your mom ever tell you two wrongs don’t make a right?” Tifse spat back. “What did that accomplish?”
“I never said that. If there is a debt to be repaid any true dragon would see it done.” Amjazel informed the newly appointed rider. “Expelling you may have been my choice for you, but I’m glad Arxet found a rider.”
“What? You can’t be Arxet’s mom. There’s absolutely no resemblance.” The fox squinted at Amjazel. “And how is he a dragon now?”
“That’s just where most dragons come from, shorty. I got lucky enough to be selected, because I’m just that good.” She raised her head and angled her neck to really let the sun sparkle off her. “You can be jealous if you want, I wouldn’t blame you.”
“And why are you in the body of a girl now?”
Arxet snorted in surprise and jerked her head back down. Of course Tifse actually paid attention in her dragonology classes. “Not you too! I- it's a coincidence or something!”
“Oh you’re in so much denial it’s pathetic.” She smirked and crossed her arms. She was steadily finding ways to turn the tables back into her favo-
Emren smacked the top of her head with a bolt of fabric. “None of that now. Arxet will figure it out in time one way or another. A body doesn’t mean anything anyway. It’s the mind that actually counts.”
“Oh please, I know how dragons work from my classes. The mind affects the body, and I KNOW the feeling I’m getting from the link. It takes one to recognize another.” She batted the offending bolt away with a scowl. “I used to be in denial about being a girl too. The sooner you realize it the better.”
All eyes in the courtyard came to rest on the fox, who only puffed herself up more in response. “Yeah, my parents paid for a potion to get me the body I needed, before my coldmark and all of course…” She deflated slightly before puffing up again. “But that’s not important!” The fox jabbed a finger at her dragon. “She’s just being dense! You’re a girl, just accept it and get over yourself. What’s even wrong with being a girl? Don’t act like the idea is that bad!”
Arxet’s mouth was agape. She could sense Emren and Amjazel’s anger at the girl for the remarks. Amjazel readied herself for a retort but Arxet cut her off. “Don’t.” She shrugged the saddle off and with a few massive flaps leapt out of the courtyard to the streets outside. “I’m going for a walk.”
The city was so different from the perspective of a dragon, really. People parted to give her plenty of room, though not out of fear. Their eyes shone with an admiration she still felt uneasy with. Two months ago these people treated her either as another face in the crowd to ignore, or as a suspect in a crime—whether or not she had committed one. Some people did see her cold mark, and they seemed quite confused, but she never read disgust or revulsion on any of them as she once had.
Their admiration wasn’t on the same level that the folk from Tanenville had for Amjazel, of course. The people of Fellrock were too accustomed to their presence. Dragons were uncommon, but not unheard of. When those hicks in Tanenville saw Amjazel it was like Tiamat herself had flown into the village with how they reacted. It probably also helped that Amjazel was the size of a house and Arxet was barely bigger than a horse too. Then again, Arxet had reacted quite similarly, hadn’t she? She completely froze up at the sight of the dragon, frozen with awe, fear, and jealousy. She even got caught and had the shit beat out of her.
Why had she been jealous anyway? Amjazel’s scales were beautiful, she could at least admit that to herself, but what about the older dragon had actually tugged on her heartstrings with such vigor? What had called to her so? It couldn’t possibly be that Amjazel was a woman. She didn’t even know how to tell dragons apart back then. Amjazel had been an ‘it’ to her until Emren introduced her properly.
Wait, was that rude of her to think of Amjazel as an it? Did most people think of her as an it? It didn’t feel… completely wrong. Dammit, like she needed more bullshit to add to the pile of considerations.
Eventually as she walked she finally hit the water. The shorelines of Fellrock were dotted with hundreds of docks and warehouses where goods could be delivered or depart, people could come and go from the island, or just go fishing on the water. This area seemed particularly busy, and didn’t have much room to work around a dragon, even one as young as her. She took a left turn, for no reason other than a left turn felt right, and followed along until she was out of the way.
Soon enough the loading docks fell away and she was met with a nice green park. Some people sat along the stone wall leading out to the lake enjoying the view, some were spending time with loved ones, and some were even throwing nets out onto the water to pull in the fat and angry hauls of carp which were loitering around the shallows.
This would do, she supposed. There were people here, but it wasn’t overly crowded. She padded over to the seawall- lakewall? Which was it actually called on a lake? Whatever. She sat on the wall on the lake.
“What the hell am I doing. Why am I letting that bitch’s words get to me? I chose her as my rider so I could torture her, not the other way around!” She huffed and slapped her tail against the stone behind her. All the fish below her scattered away, and the fishermen all groaned as their potential catch disappeared. Arxet, for her part, didn’t even notice. She just laid her head down on the stone and stared out over the lake. “These thoughts only started after I met Amjazel, right…?”
It was a bright and sunny summer day in Tiskin as Arxet and Ylexi made their way through the market. Two armed manor guards followed close behind, keeping close watch on the peasants and merchants that parted to make space for the nobles. Most of the onlookers seemed either in awe of the nobles or bitter at being disturbed. The stares from the hundreds of people along the streets made Arxet want to curl up and hide behind their mother’s dress and suck on her tail like a newborn again.
Ylexi was used to it. She came from the smallest and poorest of Tiskin’s three already rather small baronies. She spent much of her childhood out organizing with the common folk who worked for her mother, and had no compulsion against interacting with them. Arxet was fighting the conflicting feelings of excitement and fear in the strange cobblestone streets. It was their first time out of the castle for anything other than diplomatic meetings, play dates with other lesser noble children, or trips to the temple of Tiamat. The sights and wares in the market were so fabulous to them that they were fighting to stay still, but the people were another story.
This strange and confusing internal conflict left Arxet uncertain what to do with herself. She wanted to run up to every stand and look at what they had to offer, whether it be textiles, food, nails, woodworking tools, firewood, animal skins, or even jewelry. Oh she wanted to look at the jewelry more than she could articulate, but in the end her stomach was winning out. “Mama mama! Look at all the bread! Can I have some bread, mama? It smells fresh!”
“No, dear. We just had lunch, and we’re out here to buy you clothes. Quiet down now.” Ylexi was a patient woman, but tolerated little nonsense. The image of her family was everything, and that precluded Arxet’s childlike excitement in front of a crowd.
“But mama I already have clothes!” The rat pup tugged on her hand to get closer to the bakery for a good sniff.
“You are outgrowing them, dear, and our tailor has taken ill. We have to try to find new ones in the village. There is supposed to be another tailor along here somewhere…” She craned her neck to look.
“Could we look at the jewelery instead! The sign says it’s from- F… E… L- it’s from Fellrock! Jewelry from Fellrock!” They pointed at the stand and tried to drag their mother closer. They’d only heard tales and been read stories of the legendary city at the center of the world, where Tiamat lived and dragons came together to protect the people. It was supposed to be a land of luxury and beauty, where everyone was safe and happy. Jewelry from there has to be the best, right?
“Not now, dear.” The rat woman is forced to bend down and pick up her child to carry along, as they wouldn’t keep a pace to her liking. “We have to get you clothes.”
“I want a pretty dress like yours, mama!” They beamed. “All of father’s robes look so boring. I like your ribbons and jewelry!”
“We already talked about this before, Arxet. Dresses are for girls.” Ylexi placed a hand protectively over her sapphire necklace and smiled down at her child. “And the necklace may pass down to you one day, dear, but it will be for your wife or daughter, not for you. It’s always been a tradition to pass it down to the women in the family.”
“But I want the necklace! Why can’t I have it?” They fumed and pulled themselves tight to their mother’s neck. Arxet loved their mama more than anyone else in the whole world. Their dumb cousins always made fun of them for it, but mama did everything for them. She watched them, washed them, taught them how to be a noble, how to act, how to stand, how to eat your food and most of all how to dress. She was right, of course. Mama was always right. But Arxet just didn’t understand why she was right, and she didn’t always like to explain.
“Well, my great grandmother said so. It was a gift to her, for taking the sapphire mines in the war that founded Tiskin. It earned her a barony of her own, and that barony has been passed down all these generations to my older brother, but as the eldest woman in my generation I was the one to receive it.” She leaned down to smooch Arxet on the head. The rat pup giggled, their mama’s whiskers always tickled. “So, we honor her by continuing her wishes. I do hope one day to pass it onto a daughter of my own, rather than your wife or daughter.”
“But what if I was your daughter…” Arxet risked the question. She was almost too afraid to ask, but she felt she could trust her mama.
“Don’t be silly, dear. I do wish you could have been a daughter, but that… isn’t what your father and I got.” For some reason disappointment tinted her voice. Arxet still didn’t understand though.
She rarely did understand. She wasn’t sure she ever would.
“Okay… bad example.” Arxet growled and shifted her wings on her back. “I was a little kid, I was being silly.”
“No, my love. I don’t think you were.” Another dragon’s face poked up from the dark waters of the lake below Arxet. “I believe the things that children see in the world are often more true than we give them credit for, especially with themselves.” The strange dragon swam closer before climbing up and out of the water and onto the wall. She was red-black, and seemed to be fully aquatic, with two massive fins where wings would normally go, webbed feet, and a generally far sleeker build.
Arxet squinted at the stranger as she got comfortable only a few feet away. She didn’t seem familiar, though the voice did to some extent… “Ah, Tiamat. Making a dramatic entrance, are we? What’s with the body?”
“I can take any form I like.” She stretched to display her magnificent shining black-red scales. “Typically among non dragons I take on the form of Fatima, but I have alternatives. And it’s easier to create a new body to inhabit somewhere that people can’t see. The water seemed appropriate.”
“Inhabit- is this not actually you?” Tch. Gods. They were just plain confusing. She was related to one and still didn’t get them.
“I am something more than just physical. I can be in many places at once, through physical forms I create to siphon some of my power and consciousness into. They’re all actually me. We just aren’t all aware of each other at all times.” At least she was providing a decent explanation. It still made little sense to the young dragon, though. “I just came to find you so I could ask how selection went. Idami said she already had some names to expel, so I went ahead and removed those students, but I needed to know who else you knew of that I needed to do something about.” She carefully wrapped a fin over her granddaughter’s back and pulled herself closer. “But it seems as if other matters are bothering you, my love.”
Damn, she had thought she was done letting things slip out for other dragons to pick up on. “How much did you hear before?” Arxet grumbled at the physical touch. She wasn’t against it, per se, two and a half months living with Amjazel had moved her from despising it to just being mildly annoyed.
“A little bit of the memory, your thoughts on it.” She craned her neck down into the water to marvel at a pair of turtles crawling around atop the large stones visible inches below the crystal clear water. “As I said, children have a sort of wisdom of their own.”
“When I was five I thought that you lived in the lighthouse built into my city’s temple.” She deadpanned in response. “The only reason I thought that was because I was told I wasn’t allowed in.”
Tiamat chuckled at the memory. “Oh yes! I do recall you kneeling at the base to pray to me! You wanted so badly for me to make the bad weather go away.”
“You actually heard me? You remember that?” Oh now this was almost as humiliating as what Tifse said earlier. Prayers were supposed to be private, she never expected to ever have an actual conversation with Tiamat about them. “You- you didn’t even listen to the prayer!”
“Of course I listened, my love. But I didn’t answer yours because that storm was the answer to the prayers of the farmers with dry fields. I did answer many of your others, though, didn’t I?” She lowered her head back down to watch the turtle.
“Yeah, like what?” The non-believer challenged.
“Do you recall the fur coat you found that got you through your first winter?” She lifted a claw, and a bubble of water rose from the lake below, carrying one of the turtles with it.
“Yeah… it was thrown out. Filthy. Had a hole in it that I had to cover with burlap.” That was an oddly specific memory. How much did Tiamat know of her past? She couldn’t even really recall praying those days. The idea felt wrong to her after all the years feeling as if she had been ignored.
“I caused a wind to pick up and for it to fall off the basket it was packed into so you could find it.” She turned the turtle around and showed off its underbelly to Arxet. Some sort of odd white pattern stood out along the belly, like… snowflakes.
“You couldn’t have helped me get back home?” Arxet squinted at the pattern. Was that a coldmark? She didn’t know animals could get them.
“I told you before, I am not all powerful, I can’t see everything, I can’t control everything. I only know someone is in need if they pray to me. A prayer is the simplest spell ever made, and my ministry has taught almost everyone on this continent how to cast it. Things began getting worse for you when you stopped praying because I could no longer hear you. I may not answer every prayer, but I can’t answer ones that are never spoken. I was answering Ylexi’s prayers as much as yours when I got you through that winter. Going home wasn’t an option for you, and controlling the wills of my children is one thing I cannot do.” She lowered the turtle back into the water with the other and let it go. “Your father and the king had their mind set. You could not have returned as you were.”
Ylexi… Hearing the name out loud was like a dagger in the heart. Arxet had assumed the baroness didn’t care, but she had even prayed for Arxet to survive the winter? “I- I was thinking of going back. Taking over. Becoming the… the king. Or whatever.” She watched the turtle swim off into the blackness with its friends. Apparently wild animals didn’t hold any grudges over odd white markings. “Is that something that’s allowed, for a dragon?”
“If you should choose not to serve in the ministry, yes. But ministerial dragons are held to different standards. If you fly alone then the same rules apply to you as any mortal.” She watched the turtles go with a serene smile. “Do not go alone. You are a dragon, but you are young. Your scales are still fresh, until you reach about fifty an enemy’s blade can still reliably pierce you with some effort. And beware spellcasters. They are rare, but potent.”
“Well, I’ve got a rider with no choice but to help me with it.” She grinned. “She knows how to fight better than I do. She’ll be useful.”
“A rider and dragon are supposed to be partners, my love. You shouldn’t be forcing her to- ah, I see. This is for payback. Carry on, then.” She chuckled.
Dragons really are pro-payback, huh? “You don’t disapprove?”
“No, dear. I’d be expelling her if you hadn’t chosen to take her as a rider. As long as you don’t kill her I don’t see this as extreme at all.” She seemed positively chipper at the thought. “Creative, not my intention for how the bond was supposed to work in the slightest, but not extreme. Some people have a strange idea that either the universe or I will even the scales for them. That isn’t how anything works. What goes around only comes around if you make it happen.”
“Huh…” She had no idea that Tiamat was so pro-revenge. Amjazel was too, like mother like daughter she supposed.
“Dear, we are sitting on the site of my greatest revenge. Fell Lake is the crater that formed when I slammed Ninazu into the earth so hard that it shattered and rippled like ice floating atop the rolling ocean.” She dipped a claw into the still water below, creating slow, gentle ripples. “I built the center of my new world, my ziggurat, my very home, atop the same stone where I crushed his head and tore his divine essence from his true body.” She smashed a fist down into the waves, scaring off the fish again before locking eyes with her granddaughter. “One does not harm another without expectation of recompense, whatever form it may take, so long as the punishment fits the crime. I recommend banishing the king and baron rather than killing them. Perhaps you could lock them up until the same point of winter where they threw you out and then release them into the wilderness. I’ll let you see to the details, my love.”
Ok, so grandma was just a little terrifying. “I’ll keep it in mind. I’m just worried that they’d cause problems again in the future.”
“If they do so then feel free to kill them after the fact.” She answered matter of factly. “Like I said, it’s only a recommendation.”
“Right…” She glanced back out over the lake. The turtles were back now. She continued to watch the coldmarked one intensely.
“That still isn’t what was bothering you when I came, though.” The goddess broke the silence again. “You still struggle to decide who you are in this new life, and whether you’ve always been that person. It’s not an uncommon sentiment. That sort of self reflection can hurt.”
“Straight to the point are we?” She rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the elder dragon.
“No, we made small talk for quite a while first, did we not?” Sometimes Arxet wondered if gods could really understand mortal customs. That discussion was a bit heavy for small talk.
“Yeah, fine. I don’t know if I’m a girl or not.” She slumped over the bricks, laying her neck over Tiamat’s forelimbs in the process. “There’s no going back from a decision like that. I have to be sure.”
“Of course there is! Going back I mean.” Tiamat began to tongue groom the dragoness stretched out before her with long, slow, and loving licks. “You could always go back to being a rat, though it would sadden me greatly, and it would be even easier to go back from being a girl.”
“You can’t just- you can’t just switch back and forth. Everyone would think I’m a total jackass!” She subconsciously turned over to allow Tiamat to reach new angles in her preening.
“No blood child of mine would think that of you, my love. You aren’t the first dragon to have realizations about themselves through the transformations. Some dragons even change regularly. Mortals have such a rigid understanding of gender, it can be rather tragic…” She took her sweet time working over Arxet’s face and neck. “Your older brother was your older sister only twenty years ago, and two centuries before that he was a male again. Perceptions of self can and will shift over time. Some may stay more fixed while others do not. You can and should try different things, find what suits you, if anyone judges you for it I’m sure Amjazel will gleefully put them in their place.”
“Wouldn’t it be… embarrassing to try and explain that it didn’t work?” She relaxed even further. Rubis was right, tongue grooming really was fabulous. She was fighting to keep her eyes open as Tiamat ramped up the intensity.
“Everything is a risk, my love. If being a girl could truly make you happy then why should a momentary embarrassment deter you?” She withdrew her tongue and began to gently gnaw on Arxet’s horns, stripping away layers of horn that had been damaged or worn to reveal fresh shiny horn beneath.
“You really think it will make a difference? It’s not like I’ve hated being a man…” The horn trimming sent shivers down her spine.
“Not hating one thing does not mean that another won’t bring you more joy.” She began moving down to her granddaughter’s shoulders and back, especially getting between the wings where it was difficult to reach. “Would you rather a plain loaf of bread or one topped with meat, sauce, and vegetables?”
“Are you calling men plain bread?”
“An oversimplified metaphor, I don’t know your food tastes yet, my love.” She gently adjusted her position so she could continue her ministrations down Arxet’s body, “But I will have to learn what you enjoy. At my age I’m quite the cook.”
“Right… but what if I don’t like the fancy bread?” She was just laying limp like a sack of flour at this point. Tiamat was really good at this.
“Then go back to what you had before. No one will stop you.” She tenderly rolled the other dragon over to reach her underbelly and forelimbs.
Arxet was just letting it happen. She wasn’t sure she wanted it to stop. “I guess… I could try it. Don’t want to prove the bitch fox right though…”
“Don’t concern yourself with the opinions of people you hate.” She was almost done now, the tail was all that remained. “If it makes it easier then you could always sever your bond, let me expel her, and I could try to help find you a priest for your rider.”
“… Fine.” A long quiet moment passed as Tiamat finished her grooming down to the tip of her tail. “I’ll try being a girl. For a week or two!” She felt the need to add the last condition.
“And I’m more proud of you than you can imagine.” She stepped back from her work to admire the new sheen she had left on her granddaughter’s scales. They sparkled as if she was newly reborn again. “You’re already doing great, my love. You’re such a beautiful girl. Now, let’s go through the list of students from your class together, if you don’t mind?”
Arxet’s heart fluttered again as the words ‘beautiful girl’ cross through her mind. She was already enjoying this, somehow. “Yeah, let’s… let’s get to work.”