Knot The One They Want

Lorali Pov

I tap my bare feet against the floor, the sound echoing through the very large room like a drumbeat of rage. My chest heaves, my throat burns, and tears blur my vision until I can’t even see myself in the mirror on the vanity. I hate this, why is when I have spent everyday of my life fighting against all odds, to live cause apparently the goddess has had it out for me since day one, I survived cold of being left outside the orphanage, I survived the beating at the orphanage when they should have left me dead all because I had a will to live, but now I surrender I want to die and yet I can not die. What nonsense is this?!

"Why? Why? WHY?!" My voice cracks, rising into a scream that tears at my lungs. "I can’t even die when I want to! Why am I back here again? Why am I still alive? Every time I think it’s over, it’s not. It’s always a dream, always a cruel trick!" I have had it, I can’t play these games anymore, just give me a break already!

I clutch at my hair, pulling until my scalp stings, doesn’t matter if I pull out my hair, I already have a bald patch, what’s another. I wanted to feel so much pain so I drowned out the hollow ache in my chest. "Can’t the goddess give me a break? Am I her only source of entertainment? Can’t she find someone else to torment?"

"Lor—" Ella’s voice cuts through, panicked yet trembling with relief. I snap my head toward her, fury blazing in my eyes. "What have you done?" The words slice out of me, filled with angry and venom.

Ella flinches, her lips parting in shock. "I... Well, we saved you."

"Saved me?" I spit the words like poison. My leg taps uncontrollably against the floor, the rhythm frantic, betraying the storm inside me. "Arabella, by saving me, you have chained me to a life worse than death!" My voice breaks, collapsing into a sob. "We would have all been happier if you just let me die!"

Ella steps closer, her hands trembling as she reaches for me. "Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that."

I shove her hand away, stumbling back until my shoulder slams against the wall. "Why not? It’s the truth! You don’t understand, Ella. You never will. Every breath feels like punishment. Every heartbeat is another reminder that I wasn’t meant to stay. I wanted to die, it was finally over, why would you bring me back?"

Her eyes glisten, her voice shaking but firm as if she doesn’t regret anything she did. "I couldn’t watch you slip away. I couldn’t stand there and let you go. You’re my friend, Lorali. You matter to me."

I laugh bitterly, the sound hollow and as broken as me. "Matter? What good does that do when I am bound to a cursed pack? To the goddess who toys with me like a puppet?" I ball my fists digging my nails into my palms until I feel the sting of skin breaking. "I don’t matter. I never have, I didn’t even matter enough to my parents for them to name." Ella’s jaw tightens as he steps forward again, refusing to let me let me bypass her. "You matter to me. You matter to Alma, to Susie, to Vanya, to Cleo. You matter more than you think. You’re not alone, even if you feel like it."

I shake my head violently, tears spilling down my cheeks. "Stop lying! Stop pretending this world is anything but cruel! If you cared, you would have let me go. You would have given me peace."

Ella’s voice rises, desperate. "Peace? You think death is peace? You think leaving us behind, leaving me behind, is peace? No, Lorali. That’s surrender. And I won’t let you surrender."

I stagger forward, my body trembling and my eyes drowning in my tears. "You don’t get to decide for me! You don’t get to chain me to this misery!" My hands slam against her chest, weak but frantic, pushing her back. "Why couldn’t you just let me die? It’s the one choice I get to make."

Ella stumbles back a bit but doesn’t fall. She grabs my wrists, holding them tight though her own hands shake. "Because I love you, Lorali! Because I can’t lose you! Do you understand? I can’t!"

Her words pierce me, cutting deeper than any blade. My knees buckle, and I collapse to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. "I don’t want this life... I don’t want this pain..."

Ella kneels beside me, pulling me into her arms despite my resistance. I thrash weakly, pounding against her shoulder, but she holds me tighter, her tears mingling with mine. "I know you’re hurting. I know you feel broken. But I won’t let you go. Not like this. Not when there’s still a chance for you to heal. This isn’t the end."

I shake my head against her chest, my voice muffled and raw. "There’s no healing for me. Only torment and dreams that trick me into thinking I’m gone, only to wake up again. I can’t keep doing this, Ella. I can’t."

She strokes my hair, her voice trembling as if keeping herself from breaking down as well. "Then let me carry some of that pain. Let me fight with you. You don’t have to do this alone."

My body convulses with sobs, exhaustion dragging me down. My limbs grow heavy and breaths shallow, each one weaker than the last. "I... I can’t..."

Ella’s grip tightens, panic flashing in her eyes. "Lorali? Lorali, stay with me!"

But the world tilts, darkness creeping in at the edges of my vision. My body slumps against her, limp, drained, my strength gone. "Lorali!" Ella cries out, shaking me, her voice breaking with terror. She presses her ear to my chest, desperate to find the rhythm of my heart. Relief floods her face when she hears it, but fear lingers in her trembling hands.

She gathers me into her arms. Her tears stream down her cheeks, falling onto my skin as she whispers lightly, "I won’t let you die. Not now. Not ever." Those are the last words I hear before the darkness swallows me whole.