55. What We Drag Along
「Chie 」
It’s a wonder, the many forms a person may take. Beside me, in the light of morning filtering in through my windows, Mayumi is so soft, so peaceful. An amazing thing, considering she never looks as such awake. Always glaring at the world. At everyone and everything. She could be a queen, an empress, with how she moves through life. Dark and foreboding, yet… now in a place of safety, she is the exact opposite.
Yesterday… yesterday had been... a lot. I did what I set out to do, I brought her home. I cuddled her, I fed her, I whispered assurances into her ears… One would think it hard, especially since I'm just a loner with little experience being cared for, but it was so easy. I only gave her what I wished for myself when I was alone.
Now that I have her like this, safe and mine, I find myself asking how can such an obviously soft and vulnerable woman hold so much pain? And… more importantly, how dare anyone hurt her in the first place?
A hot shudder goes through me.
In my hands I feel the near weightlessness of my pistol, hear the chime of bells, a bolt of mana—pure, distilled me—burning a hole through the demon that did this to her, and I smile.
Poetic. Of course it should have been me.
That thing had harmed not just Mayumi, but Haruki too. Them, and a girl who very well could have been my friend, were fate different. It had dared to touch what was mine, the two girls who belonged with me, happy and safe, and it didn't even have the common fucking decency to die when they came for it; it thought that it could take them too, and had the fucking audacity to taunt me about it!!!
I'm shaking.
It's like I just ran a kilometer.
With a swallow, I control my breathing as I've taught myself, letting the anger that I've been holding onto with a death grip go. It ebbs away, leaving a sickly feeling in its wake. Too much like father. Too much.
They're safe.
I turn away from the emotion. Such things are always a distraction, an indulgence, and—as Hotaru likes to say—a necessity. But like food, water, or sleep, they don't solve the problem at hand, and if I'm going to keep my girlfriends safe and happy, then I need to solve the problem I set out to fix yesterday.
It’s a human problem, the worst kind. Because all problems have a source, generally a single one but sometimes more. Human problems have near-unlimited sources. Lucky me… Still, even though I brought Mayumi home and took care of her, I am ultimately just treating symptoms. If a solution isn't found soon, all of us will be worse off.
So, what is the problem, where does it lie, and how do I fix it…?
My fingers trail across her shoulder, down her arm, drawing out a small sleepy noise. Awake, Mayumi is so fierce, but I know her, I love her. Behind the anger, the exhaustion is so easy to see. She's weighed down by so many hidden things.
My hand falls to the side, eyes unfocusing.
Then again, aren't we all? All of us are defined by our pasts, for good and bad. And each person caries a different weight. Haruki and Mayumi's weights are similar, yet the two of them are so very different. Both are protective, both fierce, but Mayumi seems to have borne the brunt of their shared loss.
Why?
Family, maybe. In fact, the more that I think of it, the possibility becomes more and more likely. Mayumi's mother was so… cold. So at odds with her daughter. Mayumi might be harsh, but she has never been cold.
The memory of their argument sends a shiver down my spine. It was an explosion of what must have been years of pent-up feelings. It’s easy to imagine the two of them speaking with each other in that polite, soulless way that they did when we arrived. Just two strangers with an uncomfortable knowledge of each other, bound by unwanted expectations.
And her father… who even is her father? She never speaks of him, and he wasn't even there to see Mayumi, so likely he's even more absent than her mother. What did that leave her with? Haruki? A girl who was dealing with the same grief? Mayumi required—and deserved—so much more.
She looks so small next to me.
I curl myself around her, pressing myself against her back and encircling her with my arms. She must have felt so alone. I'm not a stranger to loneliness, but I never had anyone. To have had a friend you loved, then to have lost her? It must have been horrible. And to have your only support be another teen girl? I'm no expert, but even I know that one person can't be everything for another. No matter the age. It was a wonder the two of them made it as far as they did.
What was it like for Haruki then?
I've heard of her family. According to Mayumi they are completely wonderful. Which, coming from her, means they're halfway to godhood. It helps that they practically adopted her, but still. Haruki had parents who loved her unconditionally. They likely helped her through her own grief, but Haruki still probably saw herself as responsible for Mayumi. Maybe to an… unhealthy degree…
Hmm.
So of course, when Mayumi puts us in danger and gets herself hurt, Haruki immediately called it all off. She isn't angry, she's terrified. Just like Mayumi is terrified of hurting me. It's so simple. My girlfriends are just scared. Afraid of a repeat of that past horror.
I extract myself from the bed, leaving Mayumi's warmth behind—one of the hardest decisions of my life. My closet is filled with Mayumi's clothes, slowly accumulating the longer she stays. It's comical, a bunch of dark, frilly things next to five pairs of the same type of pants and a rotation of t-shirts. Maybe I do need a better wardrobe…
The thought is rejected as quick as it comes.
No, fighting a fear demon solo is preferable to shopping.
When I emerge, Mayumi is stirring, looking at me with bleary eyes.
"Wha'r'u doin?" she mumbles.
I crouch next to her, laying a kiss on her forehead. "I'm going to see Haruki."
"Oh." Awareness returns to her, and with it, the softness of sleep. I'm sad to see it go. "Should I…"
"No. Stay here and rest. I'll be back before you know it."
She grumbles in displeasure.
"You trust me?" I ask. She nods. "Then trust me to take care of this."
Her gaze searches mine, as if probing for a sliver of doubt, but then her eyes fall to the bed.
"Okay."
With fingers running through her dark hair, I press my lips to hers. Kissing her has always felt like being burned and shocked all at once, a mix of feeling powerful enough to make my spine tingle and wipe all awareness of the world from my mind. Such blissful obliteration, this girl.
Oh… I am such a nerd.
"Love you," I murmur against her lips.
The brown of her eyes are warm, oh so warm. Pupils two specks of midnight that seek to swallow me.
"Love you too."
I leave her in the bedroom—now the hardest thing I've ever done—and sit on the couch to put my shoes. Ueki shifts next to me, drawing closer and sticking me with that single eye of hers. She's been quiet. She knows something's wrong.
"Watch over her for me, please?" I whisper.
I get a trill and a nuzzle in reply
────୨ৎ────
(btw if see this uploaded somewhere other than Scribble Hub or Archive of Our Own, it’s unauthorized copy, unfortunately it happens.)
Haruki's home rises before me, a low family home nestled in a horde of countless others, stretching in all directions. This one sticks out though. Among the surrounding homes painted white and grey and beige, this one is a deep purple. My phone receives its customary frown. Of course she disabled her tracker…
There's only one recourse: talking to people.
Disgusting.
I knock on the door.
The distant sounds of the city flit by.
I'm about to knock again when the door jerks open. It the doorway is a massive, gangly man covered in paint. The image briefly takes my ability to speak.
"Uhh…" I mumble.
He looks down, spotting me. "Oh! Hello! What can I do ya for?"
Shaking myself, I offer a bow.
"Hello, Mr. Nagano, I am Kaya Chie, a friend of your daughter."
"Oh! What brings you by?"
"Looking for her, is she home?"
He shakes his head. "Do you want to come in and wait for her?"
I look behind him, biting my lip. I’d rather go to her directly, but… running errands is not the best time for emotionally intensive convos. Besides, I'm curious.
I nod, he waves me in.
The interior is a mess. The living room looks to be a library and a studio all in one, while items are left around haphazardly. It has a lived-in quality, a coziness that seems to draw one in. Haruki’s father is going towards the kitchen, speaking all the while.
“Now we’ve heard about you for a good while, was wondering when we’d finally get to meet ya. Huh… should have some tea around here somewheres…”
"Oh… that's fine, I don't need anything…"
"Nonsense! I might be a mess, but I know how to treat a guest! If I could just find the… Aha!"
He's messing around at the counter, in a way that makes me question whether he frequents the kitchen at all. In lieu of conversation I look around. The kitchen is small, with the entrance to the living room in the corner, making it look like someone built a cube, then just chopped some wall off when needed. A table is to my right. Small and square. A tight fit for three. A counter separates the table from the stove and refrigerator and whatever else lies back there. The decor is a plant theme, with different floral pictures on the wall, and a green paint for the walls.
"There we go!" he exclaims. "I'm sure that's gotta boil or something. You're welcome to wait around till my Hana gets back and all."
"That's, uh, kind of you. Where'd she go, by chance?"
"Down at her dōjō. She's been there all day. Most of yesterday too. Hmm…" He's frowning now. "Say… something didn't happen, did it? She's usually more, eh, talkative. But she's barely said a peep, and now…"
He rubs the back of his neck.
"I… Well, I shouldn't say anything, but… yes."
All at once he becomes extremely serious, brows falling. It, combined with our differences in height, sends me fidgeting.
"Would you tell me what?" he asks.
There isn't any anger in his voice, just worry, and I wonder if he can help me. I know a lot about Haruki and Mayumi's personalities, but their childhood is mostly a mystery. They don't like to speak of it, but it is the root of our current problem.
I gesture to the table, and he nods. We sit.
"You know we hunt demons?"
Another nod.
"I'm not too comfortable about it, but I know you all fight together and keep each other safe. So…" He grimaces in that way parents do when they want to forbid their children from doing something, but know it would only make things worse.
"Yeah… well… Mayumi got hurt…" His eyes widen, mouth already open, I cut him off. "She's okay! Healed on the spot. Its just… it was a close call. And Haruki got upset and ran off and now she won't talk to us."
"Ah." Understanding is behind his eyes. "Not very surprising that she would be shaken by such a thing. Her and Mayumi… well they've been through much. Losing her would break her, I think."
It would break me too.
"Its not just that, she… called it off. Our hunting, yes, but also…"
"They didn't break up, did they?" He looks as shocked as someone can be.
"I… don't know. She just ran off, and it was the last thing any of us wanted…" I stop, biting my lip.
Her father sighs. "She always takes on too much. Finds herself responsible for everything." Guilt fills his expression. "I probably don't help with that…"
"Has she always been this way?"
"Yes and no," he replies, tilting his head back and forth. "We lived up in ■■ valley, originally. Before my wife was hired at the university. Back before they lost Emi—horrible event that. The funeral was…" He grumbles in disgust. "The family had a spat about a name on a grave stone. It worked out in the end... Anyway, she takes after me in many ways," he grins, "but she's as serious and driven as her mother. And after the loss…"
"She took care of Mayumi," I finish for him.
"Yes. She spent more time with us than she did at home, and when we moved, Mayumi followed. She lived with us for a time. Not for long, mind you, its too cramped here for four." He chuckles. "My wife made a stink about them sleeping in the same room, but I said they'd probably get married one of these days anyway."
For some reason, that thought makes my heart twist.
"Hana doted on her," he continues, "It made both of us proud, how caring she was. But…"
"She took too much on."
His mouth quirks. "Right again. She saw herself as responsible for her, but in a way for me and her mother as well. We were much busier back then, with the move here. We were trying to establish ourselves, and that left little room for caregiving. Though, I will say that we did our best."
I hum, distracted by a strange scent wafting to my nostrils.
"How is Mayumi?" he asks.
"She's saying with me," I reply, refocusing.
"You're taking care of her?"
"Of course," I say, my shoulders going back, chin rising.
A wry smile dances at his lips, his eyes glinting with some unknown thing. "I see. And what were you planning on telling my Hana?"
For some reason I'm left feeling like I've transgressed somehow. But he seems to be the easygoing type. I bite my lip, Hotaru speaking into my mind. "Well, to summarize: that she's being stupid, and to uh… get her head out of her ass."
A laugh bursts out of him. "Ha! Oh well, that will do it. Probably'll be good for her." Another string of chuckles bursts out of him. "Oh, its good she has you. Both of them."
My lips pull upward. "I'm glad I have them too." I sniff the air now, the smell of burning plastic now insistent rather than a possibility. "Hey, Mr. Nagano, do you smell that?"
"No. Well…" He leaps up. "Oh not again!"
Just as he does so, something on the counter goes up in flames. I yelp, leaping up, but he's already crossed the gap and is beating whatever it is with a dishcloth. The fire is gone as quick as it came.
He turns around with a sheepish grin. "Forgot to put water in the kettle…"
And just like that, the picture becomes more clear.
────୨ৎ────
I enter the dojo, my nose instantly assaulted by the smell of sweat and dust and the sounds of exercise. At this time of day there are few people milling about. Practicing forms of whatever art they study, or simply just exercising. Haruki's brought me here before, but I don't make it a habit. I never took to exercise beyond me and Hotaru's weekly walk, and I'm frankly terrible at hand to hand, though Haruki's tried her best to rectify that. So I'm "acceptable" with a quarterstaff.
Walking through the space, it doesn't take long to spot her. She's alone in the middle of an open practice area, wielding a wooden longsword, going through her forms. Sweat drips down the defined muscles of her back, from her damp, close-cropped hair, over the band of her black sports bra, ending at the line of similarly black, baggy sweatpants. With a swipe of her powerful arms, she brings her sword down in a heavy cut and, oh… Just watching her back move with the stroke…
…
What was I doing again?
I shake myself, feeling my cheeks burning like fire. I'm half-glad we're the only people here, but then I mentally kick myself for being ashamed to oogle my girlfriend. Which I am not. But…
Whatever.
I step forward, crossing the room to stand at her side, just out of eyesight. Haruki executes a flawless sideswipe, carrying her in a little twist. Her eyes land on me.
Crossing my arms over my chest I say, "Didn't think you would be at the sword, after how you left."
She shrugs. "Its good exercise."
I hum, raising my brows.
Assuming her form again, she says, "What do you want, Chie?"
My earlier heat morphs into something else, and just as they went up, my brows come down.
"What do you think?"
Another move executed with precision. Impressive, considering she's probably been at this all day, given what her dad said. Her face is still an infuriatingly blank mask. She's shutting me out.
"I think you want to tell me that I'm throwing a fit, and that I should just get over it and pretend nothing happened. No. Not interested."
"I wasn't going to do that."
She huffs in disbelief.
I give my next words careful consideration, choosing them like the opening move to a game. What she needs—or what I think she needs—is to know she's justified, just a little. "You're right."
There's a slight pause to her movements, a flicker of a glance towards me. I keep talking.
"What happened shouldn't have happened, and we can't pretend otherwise."
"Glad you agree."
More silence as I watch her. Something eats at me, that heat, it still remains. A burning in my chest, almost like pain but… more. I find myself asking something wholly different, something I didn't plan. There was supposed to be an order to this. Instead…
"What are you doing here, Haruki?"
Confusion stares back at me. "I'm exerc-"
"No." I cut her off, something rising in my chest. My breathing? "You… you left. You said we're done. You… did you…" Why is this so hard to say? "You weren't—aren't—leaving us, are you?"
Her silence is enough of an answer, but her pained expression is the unneeded confirmation. I stumble back a step. The burning becomes worse.
"It's better this way," she says, her voice a stoic plea.
"How?" I demand.
Her sword finally lowers. "Because, if I let myself be around you, then you'll convince me—somehow—to keep hunting. And then, sooner or later, one of you will get killed. It's inevitable. So I'm controlling what I can control. Me."
From somewhere deep within me, something bubbles up until a harsh laugh erupts from my throat. Her eyes widen at it, and that just makes this all the more funny. No, absurd.
"Ha! You and Mayumi are the fucking same!" I'm wracked by chuckles that turn more and more sad with each one. Sad, but so very angry. "Oh, lets just up and leave, because I'm so obviously the problem… Fuck everything else, fuck anyone who ever loved you!"
My shout bounces off the walls, reflected inward.
Something wet trails down my cheek. I'm crying?
"How could you?" My voice is shaking. My chest, it hurts. "Leave, like nothing mattered, like.. I don't matter…?"
"Chie…" My name is a whisper.
"But of course I don't matter." I spit. "I never mattered. Not to dad, or the other kids at school, the people I work with… or anyone else! So why would I matter to you?"
I can't see, it's all blurry. But I hear the clatter of wood on the ground, just before a large mass surrounds me. She's warm, and damp, but I don't care. Not right now. I let her hold me. Even though I shouldn't, I do.
"I'm trying to protect you." Her voice is a whispered plea.
"Well," I say, voice monotone. "Congratulations. You failed."
Protected is the last thing I feel right now.
Her breath is a shuddering sigh. "I don't know what to do."
Even now I feel sympathy for her. So scared of loss, my Haruki. Her and Mayumi so similar, yet so different. I love them both so much, and they need my help. A simple, guiding hand. Like a hand on a shoulder, or a caress in a dark room. I can be that for them. I can keep them safe.
"Do you trust me?" I ask against her chest. The answer is immediate.
"With my life."
"Then, would you trust me to fix what's broken? Between all of us? Things need to change, but not like this."
"I don't think its possible to fix this."
I pull away and wipe my eyes. Then, I rest my hands on her forearms, and look up at her. "Then we make it possible." Her mouth quirks, and I roll my eyes. Yes, Hotaru has gotten to me, okay? "But… It won't be as hard as you think. Just like you're right, you're wrong too. Mayumi did this for you, you know?"
Her brow scrunches. "No… that's…"
"True. She told me months ago that she wanted to support our scheme so you would have something of your own." Her lips part, but I'm not done. "And then last night, she told me she was so adamant about us going for the B-class, because she was scared of her mother, and wanted us to be independent so we'd be safe from her! That's why she got us the job in the first place."
"Chie…" My name tumbles out like a sigh.
"What?" I challenge. "You think I'm lying?"
"No. But…" Her jaw works, like she's chewing on her words. "Look. I've known her a long time. I-"
The heat returns. "If you are about to say, I know her better than you…"
"I'm not! I'm saying that I've known her longer. She's been unstable and reckless since we were teens. And… I knew that this was going to happen eventually, that she'd get herself into more than she could handle but I just went along with it to keep her safe! And look how that turned out!"
Hot breath between my teeth.
"It's because you've known her so long that's the problem!" I retort. "You're blind! Because you keep thinking of her like she used to be instead of how she is now! A lots changed, Haruki. Very quickly. You didn't see it but I did because I haven't known her as long as you. And now you are being very unfair to her and hurting her! How do you think she feels?! Because I can give you a hint, not good!"
Haruki is stunned by the time I finish. A rough sound rattles her throat. "Ohhh, I'm an idiot…"
"We all have our moments."
"No! This… Oh no." Her eyes go distant. She looks like she's going to be sick.
"Hey," I press my palms to her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. "I took care of her. She's safe."
"You shouldn't have had to do that in the first place."
"Well I did." Guilt is ever more present in her expression. "You can trust me to help you with her, you know? It's not like before, when you were teens. You have me now, and you can lean on me, just as I lean on you."
The guilt is overtaken by something else, wonder. "Fuck, I don't deserve you..."
"Wrong again," I chastise. "You deserve everything, and I will give it to you, if you let me."
Her hands tighten on my arms as well, and something flashes behind her eyes—something hungry. But over the hunger, there's another thing. Reluctance.
My thumb swipes over her cheek. "I love you, Haruki. Let me help you."
She closes her eyes, but she nods.
"Come home with me," I say. "We can talk. All of us."
Hesitance greets me when her eyes open again. "Chie, I…" She looks down. "I need a shower and…"
"Haruki. She will not care how sweaty you are."
"Well I care. I need time, and…" She grimaces. "This will need to be an us conversation. Me and her."
"Oh." Something pangs in my chest.
"I'm sorry, darling, its just…"
I banish my feeling. "No, its… its okay. I get it."
"You do?"
I nod, and I mean it. We can't always do everything together. Some things will be between only two of us, and that's okay. One person can't be everything all the time. I'll have to trust them as they trust me.
She smiles apologetically, but says, "Thank you, darling."
I return her smile, and mean it.
"You know," I say, "you don't seem all that surprised that I love you."
Her mouth takes on an amused quirk. "Chie, hun… I knew for months."
"WHAT?!"
"Please, It was so obvious. Every time me or Mayumi entered a room it would be heart-eyes." She chuckles. "Adorable. Love you too, by the way."
Now I'm pouting. Extracting myself from her arms I cross mine. It only sends her into more chuckles. When she finishes, she becomes more sheepish.
"Say, how'd you know about… uh, me and Mayumi and…"
She seems unable to say what she means, a rarity, so I take pity on her. "While I was looking for you, I met your dad. And told him about what happened. He told me about your past in return."
"You… you what!?" She groans, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Ohhh… I'm never gonna hear the end of this."
"From him? Eh, I'm not so sure. He's a bit of an airhead. No wonder you don't wanna leave him alone…"
I mutter the last sentence.
She chuckles a bit, but with all seriousness says, "No, trust me. when it comes to drama, he remembers everything."
────୨ৎ────
Its late afternoon by the time I come home, holding a bag of hastily-acquired-dinner in hand. I enter the flat, finding Mayumi laying on the couch, aimlessly watching TV with an expression that isn't all there. She lights up when she sees me though. Sitting up with a speed that's as impressive as it is concerning.
"It's fine," I say, throwing off my shoes and crossing the room to sit next to her on the couch. Ueki stirs behind Mayumi, and it's with a suppressed grin that I noticed she's been keeping watch. Good girl.
"She came around." I continue. "Owes you an apology." I frown. "Several apologies, actually."
Mayumi blinks at me, looking as if I just said the Emperor would be coming over for lunch.
"That's it?" she asks.
"Yep!" I smile, nudging her with a shoulder, and giving her a wink. "Told you to trust me."
Mayumi sits there, stunned. Then with a roll of her eyes, mutters, "Nerd."
Something within me relaxes.