37. Summer Festival, You’re My Only Hope!
「Katsumi」
None of this makes any sense!
I wasn't here the past few days, like I was checked out or something, my thoughts constantly getting lost.
As if I'd been dropped in the middle of the ocean, with no shore or reference in sight and I had to swim and I didn’t know how.
Or better yet, like starting your car and the motor just sputters out. My mind running empty.
I start, and then there's Hikari and the girl from my Hunter ID, kissing after sharing a bento box together.
I start, and there's this mess with Tarō that was totally embarrassing.
I get like, super flustered every time I think about it, but not in a bad way, almost as if I liked being held in his arms like that.
I DON’T EVEN LIKE TARŌ!!!
So why does that memory make me feel oddly warm inside?
WHAT IS ALL THIS?!
I start and then there's HER…
…her…
It was so odd that the girls weren’t mad at me for the kiss. More the opposite. They all doted on me, asking if I was okay.
Which I wasn’t!
But not because of the reasons they were implying. It’s not like I had refused that lone huntress.
Definitely the opposite!
I just never thought that… why would she kiss me!?
And say these things that way!?
I…
She was into girls!
OBVIOUSLY!!!
And I get how I looked like a girl in that moment, but still, I wasn’t!
Everything about me is wrong, how could she like…
She like totally treated me as a girl.
She made me feel like… one.
I wasn’t thinking, and I totally forgot that I was a guy.
Wuah! What was that?
If I deceived her, then why was I like, somehow a girl in that moment? Or being treated like one or whatever?
That kiss…
It was a full body thing as if someone set my whole existence on fire and I was so much more sensitive than I'd ever been in my entire life! I was burning up.
I felt her lips and the tips of her fingers in my hair, her sharp scent—somewhere between green tea and a field of spring flowers—and she was so unbelievable pretty.
Fuck, she was in her own league, and the way she dressed... That suit and how she wore it with such casual confidence. I can't get her out off my head.
An otherworldly girl-loving beauty kissed me!
Why would she kiss me!?
I’m not a girl! I’m just a crossdresser! How did she not notice?
I’m not a girl!
She should’ve known!
Why didn’t she!?
This is so wrong!
And it was my first kiss, like ever.
My first kiss was by a girl-loving beauty mistaking me for another girl!
This feels like a crime of some sort.
Definitely a crime.
I SHOULD BE PUNISHED!!!
I look at my phone.
The group chat has been going wild all morning.
Apparently, Mayumi and Haruki have made it their tradition to return home for their hometown’s summer festival, and that led to a lively outburst with Chie and Hotaru that we all should go as a group. And now Mayumi invited us all to stay at her parents’ place.
I really could use something nice and relaxing without any weird stuff for a change. A vacation from the mess my live has become.
And festivals are always such a treat, the best rice cakes, the great atmosphere, watching fireworks.
Yes, that would be great.
Just me and the girls for two days.
Better talk to Mr. Kataoka right away to get those off.
I stare at the date.
That’s still weeks away, but I’ll make it!
────୨ৎ────
The weeks drag on.
At work, Shiro is constantly in a foul mood. He keeps looking at me funny, and when I call him out on it he gets super angry. Don’t know what’s wrong with him, but my guess is his big brother is about to kick him out or something. Poor guy.
From what I heard, he blew through his last few paychecks almost instantly. So much so, he begged Mr. Kataoka to pay him in advance.
That would never happen, though.
Hikari has been super odd too. If I didn’t know it any better I’d say she's waiting on something. We're in this weird in-between space currently, and she's been dancing around something.
Most likely she's gathering the courage to ask me out on a second date, after the last one with Tarō and Rin was such a disaster.
We can do more friends' stuff like the aquarium, but I’m not going on a date with her as a guy!
Nope.
I don’t want to be a guy, least of all on a date, that’s nightmare fuel. I'll never fill that role!
Also, I’m not staying a guy. So going out with Hikari as one feels like leading her on. On the off chance she’d fall in love with that incompetent guy version of me, it’d be cruel, because he’s not sticking around.
This isn’t even a thing I can walk back at this point.
I will be a girl!
And I’m working on it.
I kept practicing my naginata forms, and Haruki and I did some more patrols. We never bagged anything big but we both kinda needed the money after the whole debacle with the lone huntress stealing our C-class right under us. Everyone is still super mad about that, and I feel kinda guilty, because it feels like I colluded with the enemy by kissing her—or she kissing me.
Though if I’m being honest, I’m going out hunting mostly for training purposes and not the meager pay. If I ever want to reach A-rank, I need to get better fast.
So I resign myself to grinding.
And with the wet heat, summer has truly arrived.
The temperatures have been rising fast, and there were quite a few rain showers the past few weeks.
Hopefully the weather knows to behave itself tomorrow.
────୨ৎ────
Bright and early I’m up and about, getting swept up in the morning rush on my way to the train station.
We're going to take the small regional train out of the city.
Should be a cozy ride.
I’m so excited. I’ve been looking forward to this. It’s going to be a wonderful time, I can feel it. There isn’t a cloud in the sky and the temperature is super pleasant, the ideal conditions.
Arriving at the designated platform, I take a look around.
The slight smell of metal hangs in the air, and there aren’t too many people, which is nice. I get to enjoy the tranquility a bit.
I seem to be the first of our gang.
I’m ready.
Got my little rolling suitcase with the essentials and everything.
“Would ya look at that, the sun is out and Katsu-chan isn’t boy-moding?”
That kind of flat delivery with the slight mocking tone can only come from Mayumi.
I turn around and see her standing behind me, in a long black linen skirt and equally dark spaghetti strap tank which leaves a bit of belly exposed. Her eyes stay hidden behind round sunglasses.
“Hi, Mayumi. And boy-what now?”
“You really need to learn the language of your people. It’s getting embarrassing.”
"Yeah whatever.”
"I was saying, it’s good seeing you dressed as a girl for once instead of you desperately pretending to be a boy.”
“What? I’m not dressed as a girl! …okay the shorts are from the woman’s section, but I needed something light for summer and I’m not shopping for pants in the men’s section ever again. And they are pretty unisex anyway.”
“They’re really short.”
"And? Also I’m wearing a men’s T-shirt” I pull on it, “Literally from my brother. Needed something to hide that I’m wearing this stupid training bra.”
I’m not telling her that this is one of the shirts I’ve been essentially using as my sleepwear till now. It’s from the stack I 'liberated' from pretty boy’s big brother right before I got thrown out. They’re super over-sized for my build.
“Those are clearly woman’s pants, nothing unisex about them. That T-shirt looks like you stole it from your boyfriend and it doesn’t hide your figure as well as you think it does. I can practically see the girl underneath. Also, you shaved your legs.”
“Waxed.”
Mayumi looks over her sunglasses so I mumble a quick, “It was for girl-training.”
“Right. Oh and you didn’t part your bangs or put your hair away as I showed you, so this is just a straight girl-haircut as you called it. And then, well… what’s with that cute voice of yours Katsu-chan?”
Mayumi beams a devilish grin of triumph.
( •̀⤙•́ )
“I’m not dropping that!”
“Face it, no-one is going to see a man looking at you, only the most adorable tomboy.”
I continue to glare at her, but Mayumi, as always, is super unimpressed. Her being immune to my pretty boy glare is so annoying.
In the corner of my eye I notice Hotaru approaching.
Wow, she looks stunning in that summer dress. It’s so pretty.
“Hotaru! I don’t look like a girl do I?” I call out to her.
She waits until she’s close, “Hi you two. And we are doing trick questions so early in the morning?”
"It’s not a trick question.” I pout.
She takes me in, while pressing her lips tight.
“Hmmm…”
“Hotaru〜.” I whine.
Her gaze lingers on my legs, “Oh, I like how you’re showing off your legs. They’re pretty and… shaven.”
“Waxed” Mayumi cuts in. “Girl-training,” she adds sarcastically.
Hotaru lifts her gaze to meet mine and makes an expression as if she wants to apologize, “You don’t actually think that you look like a man right now, Katsu-chan?”
They're conspiring against me!
It’s shorts and an oversized t-shirt that’s hardly girl-clothes. I’m not wearing a dress or anything.
“Whatever, you girls always do that honorary-girl thing. You’re hardly neutral on the matter.”
I sulk.
Switching from slightly confused to a bright smile, Hotaru says, “I think it looks really nice. It’s cute.”
I groan.
It’s not supposed to be cute!
It’s just a last minute thing I threw together because when I got thrown out I didn’t exactly pack clothes for a full year. Not that I think whatever pretty boy has would fit me anymore. I bought these shorts yesterday in a hurry, for today. Also dressing as a guy is so freaking stupid. It’s all just the plainest of shirts with the most boring slacks and then call it a day.
And in summer you’re supposed to swelter until you collapse or something.
My current outfit is a decent compromise and it has a plain t-shirt. Doesn’t that count for anything? That’s like, such a guy thing.
Mayumi shoves her face directly up to mine, lifting her sunglasses.
“You’re wearing mascara.”
“I like how it looks,” I growl
“Oh we’re done done with your boy-moding, gotcha.”
“Tsk.”
The sheer glee radiating of Mayumi when the only hint is the barely raised corners of her lips is surely some kind of black magic. It’s spooky.
She wraps her arms around me.
“As hot as you look when you’re angry, don’t be mad at me. I’m genuinely proud of you Katsu-chan. You’re doing so good.”
Getting this strange not-quite-a-hug from Mayumi has me stiff. I’m again reminded that next to her my body is so male, when all I want is to be a girl like her.
“Thanks.”
I liberate myself from her touch.
A flash of sadness washes over Hotaru’s face like she's pitying me as she watches me free myself from Mayumi’s grasp.
Hotaru and I hold eye contact while Mayumi gets distracted by the arrival of Chie and Haruki. The three immediately fall into a wild banter, that on any normal day would’ve melted my brain again, but I’m stuck with Hotaru.
She continues looking at me, and for a moment I’m reminded of my big sister. She had the same expression sometimes in those weeks after my reincarnation. I can hear the words this expression conveys in Kaori’s voice, sad and accusatory. 'What are you doing?'
────୨ৎ────
The house of Mayumi’s family sits on a small outcropping, together with three other equally lavish properties above the rest of the sleepy small town, surrounded by fields in this valley, between the low mountains that to seem to rise gently in the distance.
It’s nothing like the Kojou estate I’m familiar with, this is a more modern monstrosity of a mansion, built around 40 years ago, according to Mayumi.
I begin to grasp the differences between the rich of my new family and that of Mayumi’s, and the absence of any noble title.
I note the absence of a father too, but Mayumi’s mom is in, and gives us all a reserved, if awkwardly friendly welcome. Like you get the feeling she's trying, but doesn’t know what to do.
Mayumi’s cold demeanor, which she apparently got from her mom, isn’t helping in smoothing things over. More the opposite.
I hate the tension in the air. Thankfully it doesn’t last too long, and we all tumble into the spacious room that’s Mayumi’s, and the guest room right across the hall.
With a big sigh, she falls backwards onto the bed.
“So you three wanna head down to Hasegawa to rent some yukatas? They have really great stuff actually. Haruki and me have ours. Also, I have to entertain my mom for a bit. You don’t want to be here for that.”
“I thought I could go like this.”
The way everyone suddenly looks at me tells me that I might have said something wrong.
“You can’t be for real. You can’t convince me you don’t want to dress up. That’s like, half the fun. We all do it—okay Haruki gets a-“
“Hey! I brought a yukata,” Haruki protests.
“Babe, it’s one for men, it’s a plain dark blue.”
“And? It’s very stylish, very refined.”
“You wear it open with your regular clothes underneath.”
“As I said. Very stylish.”
“Aaanyway…” Mayumi glares at me.
Hotaru is the next to turn on me, “I assumed this would be right up your alley, Katsu-chan.”
“It is, she's being an idiot again. Am I right?” It comes from Mayumi.
I shift nervously on my feet.
“Yeah okay, I did always envy the girls for the pretty outfits they got to wear. Is that what you want to hear?”
“Then stop being an idiot.”
“But what if someone notices?”
“Notices what?”
“That I’m not a girl.”
“Since when?” Chie cuts in.
I stare blankly at her.
What?
It takes another second and the barely held back laughter of the girls for me to realize what’s going on.
“If you want to do it, then do it, Katsu-chan. You’re going to beat yourself up afterwards if you deny yourself, trust me.” Hotaru implores from the side.
Maybe my resistance is stupid. It’s not like I would see any of these people at the festival ever again even if they noticed something off about me. And if someone did catch me, the girls would defend me to the end of the world and back. They’re rather protective.
I mean the mall thing had been fine, if nerve wrecking to the extreme. Only all the pretty outfits keeping me from full on panicking.
My little outing alone was an embarrassing disaster, even if I didn’t get found out, only the thought of looking put-together when meeting Hikari and her friends got me through it. I swore to never do that again.
But I don’t have to do this alone.
Not this time.
I want this.
I need this with every fiber of my being.
I know I’m not ready, I’m not a girl yet, but maybe I can forget that for a few hours and just be myself. Why not spite my fate of having to be a man and just be instead?
I exhale forcefully.
“Okay.”
The girls suddenly pile onto me and I get squished in a very messy group hug I wasn’t prepared for.
My cheeks start burning. They really are here for me aren’t they?
Also they’re so adamant about me doing girl stuff.
After the gang finally lets me go, we split, Mayumi paying for our room and board by being a good daughter—her words—while Chie, Hotaru and I make our way into town.
With Chie and her phone as our guide, the rental shop is easily found.
They already have customers and tell us to return later, so we buy ourself some ice cream from the local konbini and sit down on a bench close to the shop.
It’s so much quieter here than in the big city, despite the close proximity.
Also at first glance we're the only young people around.
I eye the shop and let the words lazily fall out of my mouth between two licks, “She called us girls?”
Chie looks over with a cute wrinkle on her nose, “The woman in the store? Yeah why?”
“Well because… you know me?”
“The conductor also called you miss.”
WHAT!?
∘ ∘ ∘ ( °ヮ° ) ?
I… don’t remember that. But then again, I was kinda immersed in Haruki’s retelling of that one demon fight.
“He did!?” I ask.
“Yes…” Chie’s answer trails off in confusion.
But I wasn’t dressed as a girl, I’m not now!
No that isn’t right.
The shock pulls the warmth of this pleasant summer from my body.
This isn’t right, not right at all. No!
My voice breaks, cracks begin to form and I croak, “…but I’m not dressed as a girl.”
Adorable and innocent as ever, Chie glances at me and smiles, “You look plenty feminine to me, like a feminine tomboy.”
Taking in my surely strange expression, Chie’s eyes wander from my face down to my chest, then she looks up raising her eyebrows.
With an odd dread I follow her.
Two shallow mounds are raising the boxy loose fabric of my oversized T-shirt, small but definitely noticeable.
Shit.
“That’s the bra” I explain.
“Yeah but you do get how it looks? That with the cute shorts, your hair and—you do know how you sound, right?”
I turn my head to Hotaru who has remained silent so far.
The sun is filtering through nearby leaves, setting her brown hair ablaze.
It dawns on me, It's not dyed, that's her natural color.
Wait, that's not the point. I'm getting sidetracked here.
I find her gaze and only get thatlook from Hotaru; that Kaori look.
Not helpful.
Okay, this is some weird fluke because of that stupid training bra. I shouldn’t have worn that. Big mistake.
Seriously, it makes it look like have breasts and guys don’t have breasts, so of course people put me in the girl category to save face. What else should they do?
Note to self: stop wearing these.
They might be cute and feel nice and help with my way too sensitive chest, but then I have to deal with this nonsense.
While we continue our wait, Chie suddenly blurts out that Mayumi and Haruki might move in with her and I have my second shock of the day.
I’m super happy for her, that sounds so nice, to have the people you love close.
She tells me all about how Mayumi is going to redecorate the place so, which would be a welcome change. Last time I was at Chie’s place it looked as if she had moved in the day before and hadn’t had time to unpack yet. Very bare bones.
Not that I’m particularly better, but I have like, an excuse. I got disowned and thrown out and pretty boy’s stuff wasn’t really my style to begin with. Also, I don’t have any space currently, tho I should probably put up some posters or something. Some nice decor would make my flat a lot more inviting.
Then it’s finally time.
The older ladies call us in.
I’m still a bit confused how they don’t bat an eye at my presence or the reason for my visit. This is too strange.
Chie is the first, and through Hotaru’s and one of the store clerks ministrations, Chie ends up taking a light creme colored yukata with a reed print design and a very shiny black sash full of various flowers.
Hotaru leans in and whispers to me, “She's our little moth.”
We snicker. She has a point. With the short black hair, her glasses, and her big, off-white yukata, Chie does give fluttery moth.
Hotaru and I get treated at the same time after the ladies who run the store come to the conclusion that there isn’t a whole lot to be done with Chie’s boyish haircut.
My Hunter’s Mark gets mistaken for a regular bracelet—thanks to its golden metal and the cherry blossom gemstones—by the woman advising me, and my theme immediately becomes all pinks and whites and nothing but cherry blossom prints. Not that I’m fighting her on it.
In the end, I get a yukata in a cold pink, a shade darker than my helper would’ve wanted, but with the obligatory cherry blossom motive—no getting around that one. We decide on a dark blue sash that compliments the color of my main dress rather nicely.
I get shooed into a dressing room and watch to my discomfort, as the older woman follows me and closes the curtain behind us. It’s rather spacious in here.
I feel myself growing tense. Yeah, she wouldn’t think much of it, being in here with me. To her I’m just another young woman.
I try my best to hide my nervousness.
Let’s see how far my little training bra can help me carry this charade.
What if she finds out? She'll probably call me all sorts of names and chase me out of her store.
Maybe I can just run away?
I throw off my oversized shirt and look at her with trepidation.
She doesn’t react.
Okay, maybe the bra thing wasn’t a mistake after all, at least not for this.
I unbutton my shorts and stop with a sudden spike of dread shooting up my spine.
I’m wearing my regular underwear!!!
Like obvious guy underpants!!!
FUCK!
No use, you made your bed Katsumi, now lay in it.
I quickly drop my shorts and step out of them going complete rigid with my arms stretched out and slightly angled away from my torso, I await the onslaught of slurs.
Nervously kneading my palms, my eyes fixed onto the ground I remain stiff, nothing happens.
I look up.
All I spy is an older woman trying her best not to giggle, her lips pressed tight. She doesn’t see a boy does she?
You have to say something Katsumi! Think of something!
“Washday?”
That has her snicker for a second before she remarks, “Borrowing your brother’s underwear? We haven’t had that in a while.”
Wait, girls actually do that?
With a forced smile I try to quip, “It’s airy.”
“I imagine so. Bit tight in the hips though.”
She is not wrong. I’ve been putting on some surprising amount of padding there as of late, and my underwear is totally reaching its limit. Not sure what to do about that yet.
With that out of the way, she helps me into my yukata and expertly folds the sash in a beautiful bow.
In hindsight I’m glad for my—for a girl— unorthodox underwear, my little fellow was well hidden within. So the charade continues.
Next up is my hair.
For that, my helpful advisor’s assistant is called, and I get my first good look at Hotaru in her new lovely, warm yellow outfit.
My breath catches for a moment, taken aback how well that look suits her, she is super pretty.
Our eyes meet and we realize how we have the same reaction looking at the other.
There is a short giggle, and Chie shoots us a confused look before I have to sit down, and two lovely ladies begin fussing with my hair.
It’s past my chin by now, but not actually long, so I get some fake hair clipped in. It's apparently necessary for the fancy updo I’m getting.
‘To show off your beautiful neck,’ the stated reason for the procedure.
Before I can relax a bit, I get pulled to my feet, and it’s time for the big reveal.
A full length mirror in the cramped shop becomes my shimmering monolith.
I have five woman in my back, ripe with expectations.
My nerves begin to flutter long before my first peak.
These past months my reflection has become the source of so many emotional moments, I kinda don’t want to look.
But I do.
It takes a few seconds to settle this impression of me, of that girl with her pinned up hair and her elegant yukata and the exceptionally cute bow in her back.
The first time with my shrine maiden outfit, with the wig and the makeup and then at the mall in the cute dress and even that time my teacher put me in that secretary outfit, I had imperfect glimpse of the girl I could’ve been if things had been different. If my fate had been another, if the powers that be hadn’t made me a man.
Some boyish half thing.
Pretty, if a bit rough around the edges.
But I’m not wearing a wig, or makeup, nor silicon inserts, nothing fake or unreal and she's still there.
Not imperfect or rough around the edges.
She is more beautiful than ever before and so real, how can she look so real?
How can she be more beautiful and real at the same time?
A pleasant warmth spreads through my chest, seeping down into my extremities.
For split-second I feel my eyes sting, and I almost see myself crying—they come so easy these days, but I push through and nothing happens. No tears, only this warm feeling.
Yes, I might be able to forget that I’m not a girl with her around, this real girl, some strange apparition that is too good to be true.
I turn around and say something but I don’t hear myself.
I’m just so happy and there's a lots of kind words and hugs and I don’t know what happens next. I feel as if I’m in some kind of trance, nothing is real only the girl in the mirror.
I don’t want her to fade, I want to preserve the image of her for eternity.
And yet I know she will be gone come tomorrow, but for today she's real.
I know we move outside, but this strange trance like state won’t leave me.
I feel so light and full off… something, something intangible and as brilliant as a star.
I gaze into the sky as we walk back up to Mayumi’s place, as if I expect a night time firmament above and this star in my chest being reflected up there.
But there are no stars only the perfect blue of a summer day.
We meet up with Mayumi and Haruki, and it’s finally time.
I haven’t come down, this buzz in my head and the shining stars aren’t going away.
We stroll down to the small riverside where all the booths are, already full with the early revelry of countless families.
We get ourselves some food and Haruki more or less forces some whisky shots into our hands with the words “it’s tradition”. Which is an odd thing to say, because neither one of us has been of drinking age for long.
There is lots of laughter and I’m so happy to be so close to my friends. To be myself for a time. I remember the girl in the mirror.
I drift on with my brilliant warmth in this trance.
There are games to be played, and I can’t stop laughing.
Mayumi and Chie develop some sort of intense rivalry over most of them, and are far better than any of us, probably because the two are the only ones taking them seriously.
We rest a bench and I watch the water.
Impressions of joy as the banter becomes even more intense, sink deep into my mind.
I still haven’t come down.
I don’t notice the sun falling below the horizon.
It’s just suddenly gone as I laugh at Haruki’s latest joke.
My chest hurts from all my laughter.
Instinctively, I look at the sky now that the stars are out, in search of mine but don’t find it, then I remember it can’t be up there when it’s down here.
With a bright smile it shines from within me.
We watch the fireworks, the turbulent water of the river reflecting it in torn pieces.
I have Hotaru hugging me as we enjoy the spectacle.
And then it’s over, and we leave the celebrations and wander into the early night.
The streets are empty and soon even the sounds of the festival are distant.
We haven’t stopped laughing and giggling, there is always a next thing to say, to quip, to joke about.
We halt before a big traditional building next to the river, an old communal bathhouse.
“It’s tradition.” Haruki smiles.
For the first one of the day it sounds plausible.
“It’s always empty at this time,” Mayumi elaborates, “and they have a really great outdoor pool. Believe me, it’s the best after a festival.”
We all pile in and make for the lady at the counter.
Everyone pays and I stop.
This is where that real girl fades.
But I don’t mind, it was great having her around.
The gang looks at me in confusion; why I stand there not moving.
“Can’t really follow, can I?”
I watch the glee fall from their faces in realization.
“Eh, it’s only us and we don’t care, so…” Mayumi tries.
I shake my head and smile, not a fake smile. I’m actually happy. It was a fantastic day.
“No, if someone comes in or something. No. You go ahead, I’ll take the other side.”
“But I said…”
“No, I don’t mind, you have fun. I can relax on my own you know? We’ll meet up later.”
There is a long pause but then they leave, glancing back at me with heavy eyes.
I wait a minute after they’re gone and walk to the other side.
A hand catches me.
It’s the lady from counter.
“Young miss that’s not…”
“It’s okay actually. I’m-"
“Katsu-chan, there you are!” It comes from behind, the voice strangely familiar. A voice an enigmatic aunt might have. A bit low and jovial as if she is usually up to no good.
“She gets a bit lost at times,” the voice continues.
Another hand grabs ahold of my arm and the lady from the counter lets me go.
I turn around to look into eyes of bright amber.
TEACHER!!!