28. You Think About Me Crossdressing!?
It’s an intense bubble gum pink.
Hikari lets her hair fall down again after the gleeful presentation. Her eyes are bright with mischief.
She dyed her hair on the sides but left the top her natural black. It gives a dazzling impression, this layer of black over the bright pink underneath, shining through whenever she moves about.
She also had her long strands cut down to just above shoulder length.
I’m in awe. She looks so great, my mind hitches as she gives it another shake.
In the background Mr. Takaoka is still fuming, he doesn’t like it at all, but Hikari totally doesn’t seem to mind. If anything, she appears to revel in his barely contained visible dissatisfaction.
I pull her in, closer to me behind the till, putting the rack of fried chicken between us and Mr. Kataoka’s glare. Her cheerfulness lifts me higher.
So close I get to enjoy her fine scent. Whatever perfume she's using, it reminds me of chocolate and caramel. It’s faint, just traces, but strangely intense for my nose.
Her eyes dart down to our connection. My hand that had briefly taken her arm.
Never had I ever dared to touch a girl in my old life and now I hadn’t even thought about it. The time I spent with my new friends has mellowed me out when it comes to these things. They're fond of touching one another, including me. Casual connections, soft and full of endearment, short and fleeting, ever present. I’ve become like them.
This reaching out has become a part of me and as Hikari looks down at my touch, I become aware of it.
She smiles and I get lightheaded.
I want to show her, want her to be part of it.
Moving the sweatband on my wrist higher, I reveal the cherry blossom bracelet underneath. It’s a gesture of camaraderie, us two against him, against the current. Hikari understands. Her eyes sparkle.
“Oh wow! That’s so beautiful and so cute. Where did you get it?” Both of her hands take hold of my wrist, “It looks pricey, for real.”
“It’s a present from my teacher for my rank-up.”
Not entirely truthful, but not an outright lie either.
“You ranked up!?” she beams.
I give a nod.
Before I can react she throws her arms around me for a hug.
『 !!! 』
She's so close!
Her chest is pressed against mine!!!
Two very soft mounds spreading their warmth.
Hikari's scent is overbearing.
“That’s awesome, Katsumi!”
This is nothing like Hotaru’s hug, there it was different.
Hikari shouldn’t do that, she shouldn’t be hugging a guy so casually. That’s wrong. Everything feels wrong.
No I don’t want this.
I can’t.
I can’t… !
I push her off me.
Her eyes speak of confusion while my mind drowns.
Did my rejection hurt her? I didn’t want that. Please don’t be hurt.
I just can’t have her hugging me, the guy who lies because it’s easier, the guy who can’t deal with anything, the crossdresser whose sister is looking for him.
Can’t have her touching this MALE thing!
Why couldn’t I’ve been born a girl, or at least reincarnated as one. Why am I stuck being a guy?!
I don’t want this! Why I was I assigned this role, one that brings me nothing but misery!? All I feel are razor blades carving up my insides.
… please let me be a girl…
Hikari’s gentle fingers brush across my limp hands. A static shock sparking a spreading flame, hot and bright.
"Show me."
Like that she pulls me from the dark well. She is so kind. I want to do good by her.
I fumble for my phone but stop.
Shit!
No.
I freeze.
I CAN'T SHOW HER MY LICENSE!!!
Forced to disappoint her for a second time, I shove my phone back down. I have the license of a nonexistent girl. I can’t show her that. She wouldn’t understand and I wouldn’t know how to explain it. Like where to even start?
Start spouting nonsense about a fox-spirit lady who is going to make a proper shrine maiden out of me? Yes, yes, me a guy being a maiden—it makes sense if you’re a fox I guess. She got me on a technicality, turned my spirit into that of a girl for a night.
“L-later, not now.” I give a nod in Mr. Kataoka’s direction.
It’s a pathetic excuse and a betrayal of our bond, but I have nothing else.
Hikari frowns.
For a moment I fear she isn’t letting me get away with it, but I’m gracefully saved by the sound of the door. Never have I been so grateful for the sudden appearance of a grandma ready to count out single notes after she spent ages in the aisles.
Never has my greeting been this enthusiastic.
I’m the picture perfect konbini boy.
The grandma shines a bright smile back.
Hikari gives up and slinks away.
The day progresses in agony.
I have difficulty answering Hikari’s glances. I’m trapped, unable to escape this situation. No solution.
She's so kind and pretty, and having her around has my head spinning but I already told her that we should remain friends and she respected that, but that hug…
Men and women don’t hug each other like that… unless they’re like siblings, or family or small children, but two adults? What is this? The way she lingered—we were so close…
This feels odd. I shouldn’t be treated like that, right? Right?!
If she wanted to go out with me she wouldn’t do stuff like that, or at least not that way, so care free, but then what is this? This is so confusing. Something is totally off and I can’t put my finger on it. It’s almost as if…
Wait!
(っ º - º ς)
Am I getting treated like a… girl?
『 ! SYNTAX ERROR ! 』
The fleeting touches filled with longing, that hug so full of warmth, those glances. But that doesn’t make any sense, why would she do that? No, that’s not right. That’s just my girl-love obsession bleeding in.
Get it together Katsumi, you’re not in a girl-love story!
You’re a guy!
Stop daydreaming!
Your weird obsession has lead you down some strange paths already, enough of that. There are other explanations for this, you’re just too narrow minded. Get your head out of the clouds. That’s not what’s going on.
It's…
She probably thinks… she probably thinks I’m gay?
Fuck! Of course, that’s it.
Because which idiot would blow off someone as incredible as Hikari if he was into girls? She thinks I’m into guys.
I mean, given the context clues, pretty boy was, but not me! I swear, I’m not into anyone—not really—and I’m doubly not into guys. Eew!
Can we just fast forward to when I have the restricted hunter’s gear and get to be a girl? I’ll sort everything out then—promise—now is just a really bad time.
Not that I can see myself ever liking men, even as future girl-me. Men are like, super gross.
I close my eyes and sigh.
Big mistake, I let my guard down.
That soft chocolate scent tickles my nose. Hikari is right next to me.
Shoulder to shoulder she leans in, “You so not gonna believe this, but I got it.”
"Hu? What… ?”
“The thing you talked about this morning? Your case?”
A blank stare from me. I have no idea what’s happening anymore.
I’m still stuck constructing any semblance of who I am and what my relationship with Hikari is.
Her eyebrows shoot upwards, “The demon you’re tracking down? The one who's totes hiding in a waterpark?”
“You did!?”
“Yes, keep up Katsumi! I’m like, so good at this! I’m like a professional detective. So, I told Riu-chan—girl is like, a shut-in—but she told Ichika. And you said the demon disappears people and she's got like, that archive access and does statistical analysis for the city council. And Ichika just got back to me! See, five missing persons all from around the same old defunct waterpark, and a newspaper report linking the last one to the park. It’s like a local drinking spot for teens or something.”
I get her phone shoved into my face.
SHE ACTUALLY FOUND IT??? In half a day???
“Hikari you’re amazing…”
“Yes, I know! Glad you see it.”
Mr. Kataoka’s not so subtle cough disperses our little impromptu conspiratorial meeting.
Hikari leaves me with, “I’ll send it to you.”
“Thanks.”
I was at this for multiple nights and she just found it like that? Am I that much of an imbecile or is Hikari frighteningly good at this? Or was it just luck?
Not that it matters, what matters is that I got my abandoned waterpark. Now I just need the gang to help me clean up the mess that Tarō’s unintended neutering left behind. If the hero is gone in this timeline, then I'll guess the crossdresser and his friends will have to do.
The rest of the workday vanishes behind my thoughts of how to best prepare what Hikari sent me. I’m not Chie, but I still want to make a good impression when I bring this to my demon-hunter friends.
At the end of our shift I thankfully catch a break and Hikari spares me a second request to see my upgraded license. I don’t really have a solution for that problem yet—other than continuing being super evasive.
Also what am I going to do about her thinking I’m gay?
I mean, I’d go out with her, but only as like future girl-me and she is quite a while off and Hikari definitely is into guys, so that’s never going to happen anyway.
Life's unfair.
After work, I jog back home to grab my shrine maiden outfit in a bag and leg it back.
I’ve gotten all kinds of stuff on it already, Mainly dirt and the occasional drop of demon blood. Normally I was able to clean it and let it dry over the day, but this time these octopus blood stains won’t come out.
And before I drop it off at some random place where I get to enjoy the embarrassment of stating that, yes this obvious girl outfit belongs to me, I’ll see if Yukio can help.
At least he already knows that I crossdress. One less barrier to clear.
I enter. There is a chime and after a couple of seconds, Yukio emerges from the back to greet me. A smirk is plastered on his face the moment he recognizes me.
“Look who the cat dragged in, if it isn’t my favorite konbini drone.”
“You’ve got favorites?”
“Got a leaderboard and everything out in the back, need to keep track of you guys.”
“Is there a price?”
“Yes, my friendship.”
I chuckle, “Look who’s the sappy one this time.”
“Oi, chill it man, or I might reconsider your ranking.”
I put down the bag on the counter and spread out the white kimono top and dark gray skirt. Yukio gives them an intrigued stare.
Don’t look so mortified! This isn’t the first time you’ve seen this. You literally saw me wear this.
“Don’t tell me you’re in need of our services.”
“I am. I’m good at not getting blood on my stuff. The few drops that still land, I’m normally able to get them out. I hand wash it in cold water with the stain remover.”
“You’re the first guy to walk in here to think of that.”
What’s that supposed to mean?
“What? I had a lot of nosebleeds as a child. I wanted to help my mom and she taught me. Anyway it didn’t work, really.”
Yukio studies the dark spots. “What kind of blood are we talking about?”
“Desire demon, giant pink octopus.”
“Gotcha, should work with the copper remover. You can pick it tomorrow with Mr. Yamagishi or wait till evening for yours truly.”
“Cool thanks. I’ll come by in the evening then.”
“Sure then, till tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
It was the right decision to bring it Yukio, so much easier.
The next day with Hikari, we fall into our familiar rhythm. Even if I’m not able to shake this odd feeling, this persistent nagging in the back of my mind that I’m not being treated like a guy at all. Not that there is an easy way for me to actually address the matter.
I can’t just blurt out, “I’m not gay!” and the more I anguish under her weird ministrations the more I think my assessment from yesterday might be off. Like, even if she thought that I was into guys, that shouldn’t result in her doing something so eerily similar to the honorary girl thing I get from the gang.
WHAT’S GOING ON?!
I’m not imagining things.
Also, why does it feel… like so… fitting? It definitely shouldn’t do that!
Why the hell is this not an absolute miss-match? Shouldn’t it completely fail? Like if you treat a guy like a girl that would lead to problems, because at a minimum, his behavior wouldn’t match. Like two gears of different sizes jamming one another. Unless he also were to behave like a …
Oh.
Fuck.
It feels fitting because I…
Oh, no.
All the nights spent care free in a skirt feeling pretty and cute, nights spent pretending to be a girl in front of dozens upon dozens of old folks, nights spent as a honorary girl in the company of my friends, they are not without consequences.
It's become second nature for me, or more precisely my only nature.
When did it happen?
This is bad.
Do I now have to do boy-training just to get back to normal?
Ew! No! Not doing that! Ever! I was subject to enough involuntary boy-training for one lifetime, with my only grade being a big resounding F. So no, not doing that to myself. Not happening!
I have to somehow… is Hikari even aware she is treating me like that? Probably not. She's just reacting to how I behave. So I have to be cautious, she might catch on and I have no good explanation.
'I’m a weird crossdresser who plans on turning himself into a girl,' won’t fly. She’d call me a pervert for that one.
Act normal?
Problem is, my normal seems to uh… have drifted.
No, nothing happened, everything is fine. I have to keep faith. Hikari doesn’t seem to mind.
WAIT! WHY DOESN’T SHE MIND TREATING ME LIKE A GIRL!?
Shouldn’t she have at least some qualms about treating a guy like that? Especially one she likes? Treating guys as if they're girls is pretty frowned upon, one could even say it's like the worst insults to any men—excluding me. I don't mind. Girls are so much better.
This is getting way too confusing.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I give up.
I’m going to do my thing and whatever happens, happens. I can’t be bothered to think about this anymore. I’ll develop a migraine if I do.
Thankfully Hikari’s presence is a soothing balm, even for the headache she's the cause of.
During the afternoon restocking, she coaxes countless giggles from me, creating all kinds of 'accidental' suggestive sculptures from various food items and bottles.
By the end of the day, Mr. Kataoka is so angry that he resorts to only giving clipped statements, not that he has anything to complain about. We neither caused any damage, nor inconvenienced any customers, nor were we rude. If he had such a problem with our antics he simply could’ve looked away—and maybe plugged his ears.
With my time as some kind of smile dispensing konbini appliance out the way, I make my way over to Mayumi’s workplace. It’s not too far. She said she’d slot me in at the end of her day.
The hair salon is small, nothing more than glorified hallway with two seats, but the ambiance is super nice. Bright warm light, all pastel color.
At Mayumi’s greeting, I notice that it’s probably past closing time for them and feel instantly guilty. I don't like being a burden.
Mayumi’s solid black look in this place full of warm fluffy pastels and wood paneling is a contrast that has me smiling. The local queen of darkness trapped in candy land.
I take my place, and Mayumi’s colleague, Keiki, brings me a cup of tea.
Not having been to the barber since I woke up as pretty boy resulted in quite a mane. Time to tame the beast.
I tell her how it got me the ire of my boss, but say she shouldn't cut it too short, I like it longer.
She starts, I get my hair washed and everything. The attention is nice, and Mayumi’s colleague is super nice too. We get entangled in an in-depth conversation about wearing a long skirt while fighting demons while Mayumi is busy cutting my hair. Keiki isn’t hunting demons herself and has no interest to ever do something so dangerous, but she is curious.
I get something massaged into my hair to give it more volume and bounce, before Mayumi fully captures my wandering mind by telling me she is done.
She draws my eyes to the my reflection and I flinch.
FUCK!!!
( ˶°ㅁ°) !!
No this isn’t what I had in mind at all!
“You gave me a girl’s hair cut!”
In the most dry, monotone voice I’ve heard from her so far, she states, “I don’t do men. This is a salon. What did you expect?”
“Not this!”
She takes the strands that frame my face “What? It looks super cute. I copied the straight bangs you got on your wig—they really suit ya—and cut the rest for a nice light summer cut. Honestly I outdid myself, you look adorable Katsu-chan.”
She isn’t wrong. With the bangs and the fluffy, slightly wild, chin-length hair, I do look cute. Also, it lets my neck stand out more, making me look totally feminine.
“I can’t show up to work looking like that!”
“Stop dressing like a boy and it’ll be fine.”
“You want me to dress as a girl to work? Are you insane? I can’t do that! I’d lose my job!”
“You won’t.”
“I will.”
“Fine.”
Visibly irritated, she takes the hair in my back, and puts it in low pony tail—it's barely long enough for it. With a hefty dose of hair-gel, she brushes my bangs to either side.
“So now it’s a boy hair cut.”
I move my head from side to side.
“It still looks androgynous.”
“Because you have a really androgynous face, Katsu-chan. There's no changing that. Look on the bright side, now you can ditch the wig. We’re close to summer. You’ll get a fucking heat stroke if you keep wearing that thing while fighting.”
“Okay, you’re right about the summer thing. I was thinking about it, but hadn’t thought about just getting a straight up girl haircut. This is…”
I stare at my reflection. Yes, okay, I do kinda look like a guy if I wear it like that.
“Thank you”, I mumble without looking at Mayumi, my hands digging into the fabric of my pants and my cheeks surely a bright red.
It is advantageous to have a hairstyle like that.
Super versatile, really.
Mayumi then gives me shampoo and conditioner and some of the volume stuff, and explains to me how to use the later. These new products smell supremely good, all flowery and sweet.
I want to pay her for the cut, but that earns me a rather painful punch on the shoulder. She lets me pay for the rest tho.
With that I venture into the night after I say my goodbyes.
One more stop to go.
Taking a small detour on my way home, I stroll up to the familiar dry-cleaner, its neon light spilling onto the lonely sidewalk.
“If it isn’t the man of the hour.”
“Hi, Yukio.”
“Hi. Got your stuff, konbini drone. Cool haircut, by the way.”
"Thanks."
I skip to the counter, bathing in the afterglow of my hair salon experience now that the initial shock has worn off. Yukio presents his success to me. He looks proud of himself. So you do care for your work Yukio? Good to know.
All of the dark spots on my shrine maiden outfit are gone. Neatly folded he hands me it in a bag.
While I’m busy scanning my card he looks at me, “And I think I’ve figured it out."
“Figured what out?”
“Your thing. See, I’m working on my old H1—I told you—and it’s difficult and a pain to get a hold of good replacement parts. So my friend Tomohiro, he's a Hayabusa guy and he does all these crazy mods. Nothing on his machine is factory. Shit’s wild. But I can’t do that with my baby, because there are no parts for that. But for the Hayabusa, there's tons of stuff. So if I wanted to do all that crazy shit like he does, I’d need to become a Hayabusa guy too.”
Am I supposed to be able to decipher whatever that was?
“I’m not following”
“You’re Hayabusa guy.”
Nope, he lost me completely. With my clothing bag in hand, the sweet flower scent of my hair in my nose, I stand and stare at him.
“Huh?”
“You got that fancy bracelet and those charms on your bag and you clearly know your fashion and fabrics and that’s like all super feminine shit. But as a guy you can only do so much, but if you dress like a girl you get access to all the good aftermarket parts so to speak. It’s like if I switched from my H1 to a Hayabusa.”
“You thought about me?”
“Yeahhhh?”
“You thought about me crossdressing?”
“Yeah man, you looked like… hot, better than a lot of chicks.”
『 ! ! ! ERROR ! ! ! 』
( °ヮ° )
What are you saying my guy?
What I’m I supposed to do with that info?
You are casually telling another guy that he looks hotter than, 'a lot of chicks'?
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Yukio what is this?
He smirks.
He's completely unaware, isn’t he?
Leaning over the counter he casually drops, “By the way, you free tomorrow evening? Me and the boys are gonna grab some beer. You should come with.”
The way he said it was too forced. He’d love to have me, but is trying to conceal how much it would mean to him.
Yukio’s eyes light up, a fiendish grin on his lips. He raises his finger as if struck by an idea, “Hey wait, do you got a social for your girl fits, like those cosplayers do? I just thought of a thing, lets pull one on the guys. Tell them I got that hot chick to come but it’s just you! Shit that'd be so fucking funny.”
For a second I imagine the hilt of a sword manifesting in my palm.
“What? FUCK NO! And don’t tell people that I crossdress!!!”
I watch Yukio flinch. His eyes big.
“Okay, man”
“No promise me! You have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone!”
“Okay, chill man, chill.”
“DON’T TELL ME TO FUCKING CHILL!!! FUCK!”
There is fear in his face.
I storm out.
Men are all disgusting pigs! They only ever think about themselves. They never care if they hurt others. Inconsiderate assholes. All of them!
I hate them!
I hate them!
I hate them!