11. Girl Troubles
I hold out hope that I simply wake up as a girl one day.
After all, this is a world with demons and magic, so it isn’t totally out of the realm of possibility, and I would really appreciate it right about now.
Sure, it would be awkward at first having to explain myself, but—again; world with literal demons, so they can’t get mad at me, when I tell them that it just happened—not my fault.
It would be so much easier.
Still, I’m not sure what I’m going to say to people when I finally turn myself into a girl. They're probably gonna ask me why I did that, and I'll have no answer besides: I wanted to. They’ll probably think I’m some kind of pervert.
What if they demand that I change back!?
No, absolutely not happening, not ever!
I won’t let them.
And at that point, I’ll be an A-rank demon-hunter anyway, so they can’t force me.
YEAH!
But… that day is yet to come.
I’m still the same-old pretty boy guy-me and I keep making everything twice as hard for myself by making friends and stuff. Friends who will eventually demand an explanation. Maybe I can—somehow—write it off as the curse of a demon? I mean it happens. I read it, the curse stuff, not the being turned into a girl thing. But then they’d definitely want to help me turn myself back into a guy… ugh.
Okay maybe I need to workshop the curse idea.
At least my demon-hunter friends will be okay with the whole girl thing, that much is clear.
But what about Hikari?
(ó﹏ò｡)
I fucked up, badly.
She asked me on a DATE!
And I, fool that I am, said yes!
I was so busy imagining girl-me kissing Hikari again, that I completely missed THAT I AM NOT A GIRL!!!
⊹ ࣪ ˖ Ugh ˖ ࣪ ⊹
I need that truck again.
Just punt me into the next life already.
I blame it all on the gang. Having Chie, Mayumi and Haruki giving each other gentle kisses and devouring looks right in front of me, completely slow cooked my girl-love addled mind. They were so adorable and cute and hot and inspiring all at once, it was surreal. It turned my brain into useless mush. Girls loving each other is truly the best! ₊˚⊹♡₊
It didn’t help that in addition, a ball of concentrated sunshine named Hotaru showed no mercy and teased me, giving me cutesy nicknames.
And then next day at work Hikari delivered the killing blow.
Like, I don’t know how to describe it, other than the way Hikari asked me out felt distinctly as if a guy were asking out a girl and not the other way around?
It was unfair and against the rules and uncalled for and it short-circuited my brain! Made me momentarily oblivious to the fact that I'm still a guy.
I was maybe a smidge sleep deprived.
Or a lot.
This is so bad!
I really like Hikari and I’d love to go on a date with her, but only if I were a girl, not as a guy. And I don’t know how to fix this.
I guess I have to man up and tell her that we can’t date, because upon reaching A-rank, I won’t be a guy anymore.
It’s going to be so hard.
I don’t want to lose her as a friend.
She even set it up as a double-date, as a way to make it easier on me. Totally chill, no pressure. So Hikari’s best friend and her boyfriend are coming too. I don’t know how this makes anything easier, but I can’t really say I’ve any experience when it comes to these things, so I guess I’ll defer to her.
To be totally honest I also have no clue how to uhm… present myself? We again run into the problem that I somehow didn’t get the 'how to be a man' guide all my fellow dudes seem to have instinctually memorized. I feel kinda left behind?
And the wardrobe I inherited from pretty boy isn’t exactly my style and I haven’t really added much besides… well, girl clothes.
And I can’t wear those, can I?
(╥﹏╥)
My crossdressing has gone far enough as is. I really have to tone that down, before it gets me into trouble. More trouble that is.
So a nice blue shirt and black slacks will have to do.
I eye myself in the mirror for a last check.
Letting my hair grow out was more accidental than planned but now it’s long enough than I can sleek it back… and ya… with the Hunter’s Mark bracelet on my wrist as stand-in for a watch I can totally pull off the ‘host’ look. Curse you Hotaru, now I can’t unsee pretty boy’s wasted potential!
Let’s hope Hikari can appreciate it.
────୨ৎ────
Hikari’s plan was that we’d meet at that one crêperie she adores and then migrate to nearby karaoke bar afterwards. It sounded nice, and with the payout from the fear demon—who literally gave me nightmares—I can afford all that without having to starve myself afterwards. Yippee!
I have never been to this place, but the decor is supremely cute.
I spot Hikari immediately.
She has her hair open. It suits her, same as the short skirt with thigh high socks and the blazer. It’s the first time I've seen her in something other than her suitable-for-work clothes. She's beautiful. Not that she isn’t usually.
Why did someone like her ask the likes of me out exactly!?
It makes no sense.
“Hi Katsumi.”
Her eyes sparkle.
I’m frozen. I’m dreaming aren’t I? Or I died again, but this time I got sent to heaven instead of getting reincarnated.
Nope it’s hell, I’m still a guy. This is torture.
Hikari gives me light nudge.
“Hey? You … good?”
“Sorry, I… Hikari you look… amazing.”
“Thanks, got this one yesterday. It looks sooo good.”
She presents her blazer with a bright smile, before her hand brushes over my arm and she says, “Besides, I had to look good for my handsome Katsumi. Now come, Rin is already here with her boy Tarō.”
Rin and Tarō… something about that…
∑(O_O;)
I don’t get to finish my thought.
I see him.
Hikari is tugging me towards him.
He turns.
He sees me.
It’s him, Yamada Tarō, the ‘protagonist'!
His eyes widen until they’re suddenly crushed under a frown.
Hikari is going for the introduction but the scene has already fallen apart.
Tarō marches forward and grabs me by the shoulder.
No, it’s not a grab, it’s a shove. One I hadn’t anticipated. He's angry. I deserve this, pretty boy was nothing but cruel to him. I'd tried to stay away.
Tarō throws words full of hurt and disgust at me. I don’t understand them. I’m distant, not here.
He goes for second shove, more forceful, filled with violence.
I flinch and have to take a couple of steps backwards.
I watch something falter in him, as if a sudden gust had blown out his flame of rage.
He looks almost confused. He stares at me, as if he doesn’t know where his anger went. The moment holds. His next words, I hear, “Katsumi what are you doing here?”
I try to stand tall again and brush the fallen strands of my hair out of the way.
“I… I… didn’t… know. I’m sorry.”
I hold my gaze low.
Behind Tarō, Rin and Hikari are arguing.
I know what my role is, I read the novel, even if this scene never existed, I can picture what I’m supposed to do: sharp words and a sneer, fill them with all the rich pretty boy swagger, let them run thick with haughty condescension, make them hurt and twist the knife.
But… no. I can’t. That's not me.
I’m not actually pretty boy and I sure don’t want to be the protagonist’s rival. Not now, not ever. Kojou Katsumi, I’m going to fix the mess you left behind or at least try to. I want live a carefree peaceful life as pretty girl.
I gather all the resolve I have to look Tarō in the eyes.
“I didn’t know you were here. Tarō? I’m sorry for all the awful things I said to you. I’m sorry for all the times you got hurt because of me, for all the bullying. That wasn’t fair. It was all wrong and I’m sorry that I did it.”
"NO! You don’t get to do this!”
“I’m… I’m not… asking for forgiveness. I… just need you to know that I’m sorry and… that I won’t do it ever again.”
“No, fuck you. Fight me! You set me up! You coaxed me into that stupid duel of yours and then you didn’t show. It was humiliating—that I wasn’t even worth it to be fought. That I was so far below you, Katsumi, of the oh-so-great-and-important Kojou Clan—not even worth it to be considered a legitimate opponent.”
It wasn’t because you were beneath me Tarō. You’re are a swell guy from all that I know and I literally read your innermost thoughts. How could I fight someone like you?
Also I was kinda majorly depressed at the time because I wasn’t a girl for the second time in a row. That stuff puts like, a total damper on a lot of things.
I mumble an additional, “I’m sorry.”
Tarō makes a fist.
Yeah right about now I would prefer to be my old, tall, coat hanger self instead of meek pretty boy. No-one ever messed with the old me, he looked as if he was hassle to be messed with. Pretty boy, not so much.
Wait. That’s it, isn’t it?
I kinda see how a guy like pretty boy ended up being such a sadistic asshole. Like mom taught me, they’re always compensating for something. Feelings of inferiority in his case most likely.
Nothing like his two big brothers. Slender with an androgynous face, pretty boy probably got picked on at one time, so he turned it around, and with all the money and social standing in the world to torture whom ever he pleased, he did just that.
A recipe for disaster.
The punch I anticipate doesn’t come. I only get more odd stares of confusion.
Tarō finally scoffs a, “fuck you”, but his heart isn’t in it.
Look at you Yamada Tarō, you’re such a good guy, forgiving your bully that easily. I would’ve at least thrown a good punch, but you’re truly the ‘protagonist', a hero through and through, so go out there and save the world and please let me be and let me sink into background, thank you. (ㅅ´ ˘ `)
I see Hikari looking me in a way I can’t interpret.
Cat’s out of the bag I guess.
Yeah sorry, pretty boy was a piece of shit prior to the change in management.
Hikari skips over wraps her hands around my upper arm.
∘ ∘ ∘ ( °ヮ° ) ?
Eh!?
“I vouch for Katsumi!”
No, please don’t!
I’m a loser and occasional crossdresser who lies to old ladies about his gender—not exactly a paragon of virtue. Not even speaking of how I abandoned and disappointed everyone in my old life.
Rin and Tarō exchange a meaningful glance and then Rin nods.
What!?
So we are still doing this double date thing? These people are far too trusting! They know what pretty boy did and they’re okay with me being here?
Hikari pushes me along.
This must be the most awkward situation I have gotten myself into thus far, and I’m on some kind of hot streak of awkward moments as of late. Really hitting all the high marks.
Hikari and Rin chat away, while I try to avoid Tarō’s gaze like the plague as we get our crepes.
There are nudges and implicit invitation from Hikari to join the conversation, but I can’t. I already get nervous very easily and now I have Tarō to contend with. They can have their fun without me.
We get our orders and he finally addresses me.
“I heard about the car accident.”
I think as a guy I’m supposed to give some kind of one syllable answer to that, instead of explaining what a traumatic experience it was to wake up in a hospital bed with your life and appearance irrevocably changed forever. Oh and the pain, I actually remember the pain of getting run over and how cold and distant everything felt. But pretty boy didn’t get run over, he crashed his car all by himself.
“Yeah.”
“And your family they…”
“Threw me out.”
“Oh. Sounds rough, man.”
You have such a way with words, Tarō. No wonder you’re so popular with girls. Whereas I get nervous—mumble and forget how to act or how to breathe—you just don’t bother with any of it.
Avoiding his gaze again I look down and notice his wrists.
My blood runs cold.
“You… you don’t have a Hunter’s Mark Tarō?”
“I’m not a hunter.”
“WHAT!?”
All eyes are on me.
“…what do you mean you’re not a hunter? It was like your childhood dream to become one!”
Fuck.
No.
This is bad.
If he isn’t a hunter, then—I start counting months—then no-one defeated the demon at the abandoned water park! It’s still out there killing people! Like a dozen C-class demons, still around. Not even speaking of the things to come. The thing at the mall and—I feel heart hammering against my chest.
If Tarō isn’t a hunter, we’re all dead!
The S-ranks will be too far away when the three calamity demons strike the city, only Tarō will be able to stop them. He together with Rin. Though it takes several events until she becomes a demon-hunter, but she rises through the ranks quickly thanks to the cursed artifact she and Tarō steal from a demon.
Is this because of me?
It can’t be this stupid, can it? That he doesn’t become a demon-hunter because I failed to bully him sufficiently? This is such a mess.
I stare at him, determination in my voice.
“You need to become demon-hunter! You can’t just abandon your dream!”
“What? You were the one who constantly said I’ll never amount to anything. That I’ll get myself killed first day.”
“And you listened to me? How stupid are you!?”
“Putting yourself in mortal danger for fame and glory is a kind of a childish idea.”
“It’s not about that… “ It’s about getting the [※MAGICAL SEX-CHANGE DEVICE 3000※], “… most hunters are selfish assholes, but there people out there who deserve better. I cleared this neighborhood of minor demons nobody ever cared to banish, because they bring neither money nor fame. Took me a week, but thanks to that, a whole street and three very lovely grandmas can walk freely at night again. It was a small if tedious task, but it improved their quality of life significantly. They told me so repeatedly. They were grateful. It’s about that Tarō.”
He looks at me silently with his mouth hanging awkwardly open. Rin's expression isn’t much better.
Yes, I know I’m not the Katsumi you knew, get over it!
I can’t do this.
I turn to Hikari, who looks as if she already knows what I’m about to do.
“I’m sorry.“
And with that I leave.
■ ■ ■
Katsumi you idiot.
I give Rin an apologetic smile, “Be right back”, and run after Katsumi.
She really has a terrible view of herself and now I might have an idea why. It’s all coming together, but—what a drag. How should I’ve known that Rin and Tarō’s Katsumi and my Katsumi are the same person? They sounded nothing alike and the way Tarō talked about his bully I imagined some tall brute, not a girl who can pass as a really fucking hot, if a bit androgynous, boy.
And Rin can shove it. First thing Katsumi did was apologize, repeatedly! And she visibly regrets being this awful in her past. Her dark cloud has just begun to lift, in all likelihood because she started helping people, trying to make amends for her mistakes. And Tarō forgave her on the spot. So shut it Rin!
That boy looked so confused tho, my guy seemed to on some level get that he was about to hit a girl. Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. I can see why Rin likes him. Handsome dork with heart of gold. Not my thing tho, would get bored within a week. I need something with more flavor, like…
Past a small group I spot her.
“Katsumi!”
She stops and looks back at me. Those are some eyes heavy with guilt!
I catch up with her. She lets her head hang low.
“I’m so sorry Hikari.”
“Stop apologizing.”
“He didn’t follow his dream because of me. I fucked it all up. I can't …”
Her pained expression reveals how much she is torturing herself over this.
"Oh come on, you overestimate your influence. The boy isn’t hunting because Rin is scared for him.”
Katsumi mumbles, “She’s supposed to accompany him.”
“You’re like, so correct. I’ll tell her. Never hunt alone, am I right?”
I see her smirk at that. Right, that’s it. My Katsumi who drops everything to help save her friends. I like it when you smile.
It’s now or never. I take her hand. She doesn’t pull away. A shy gaze. I totally hit the pansexual jackpot with her, a girl with a slightly masculine face who can pull off hot sad boy and give the cutest lip bite. Hikari you’re not allowed to fuck this up like you usually do, not with this one.
Katsumi gives a long exhale to gather her nerves.
“Hikari, I have to tell you something. I …”
That you’re girl? I know that already. You’re so bad at hiding it. The only thing you got going for you is your androgynous looks and that deep voice of yours and you fucked up on the later yesterday in the morning. It was way too high, more teenage boy territory than anything.
“… I…”
Oh, no. She can’t say it. No I’m not allowed to blurt it out, that would scare her.
“…can we just stay friends and forget about the whole date thing? I… really like you but …”
Does she think I’m straight, or is she the straight one? No, I saw her reaction to me, no straight girl would ever melt like that. Better save this before she talks herself into a hole.
“I like you too Katsumi, but just friends, got it.”
She lets her head sink and gives a heavy drawn out, “Yeah.”
How can she look this cute while being disheartened?
“See you tomorrow?”
"Ya, tomorrow.”
I let her go.
For now.
────୨ৎ────
We're halfway through the second drink.
“No I don’t care Rin. He isn’t the person you think he is. You know on the first day of his—right after the morning pep talk by Mr. Kataoka, Shiro did his thing, spat the latest sexist filth in my direction, and Katsumi just silently glared at him. He wasn’t defending me, not some chivalrous act, Katsumi just hated what Shiro said and he let him know. And he was being totally dismissive about it too. Shiro tried to agitate him and Katsumi couldn’t be bothered. It shut Shiro right up. It wasn’t a one off, every time Shiro was being an ass, Katsumi wordlessly shut him down. Shiro doesn’t even try anymore.”
Rin gives me a belittling look, so I play my ace, “Also Katsumi is a girl.”
That has even Tarō turning around to look at me as if I lost my mind.
“I’ve known Katsumi since high school. He is not a girl.”
"How would you know Tarō, did you see Katsumi naked?”
He blushes. He is such an innocent dork.
“No.”
“Then how would you know? Katsumi is so a girl. She moves like a girl and she behaves like a girl and when she isn’t careful she even sounds like one. Also her friend called her miss Katsumi, so?”
Rin rolls her eyes.
“Hikari, Katsumi is not a girl. You’re full of shit.”
Tarō leans back, a pensive expression on his face. He's considering it, I can see it.
“He is different—different from before and he …”
Rin chimes in, “He is sort of feminine? Yes, but that doesn’t make him a girl!”, she glares, “Don’t say stuff like that Hikari.”
Tarō so wants to add something, but doesn’t.
But I put it together anyway.
You being a bully was your diversion tactic wasn’t it Katsumi, something to hide behind? Hide your feelings and your gender. No-one would suspect the boy who is putting down others to be a girl in disguise.
But without it, even Tarō can sense that something is off about you.