64. People Don’t Just Wake Up As Someone Else
「Katsumi」
“You know, you can be a real tease Katsumi.” Haruki says looking down on me, one foot propped against the wall in her rear.
“HU!? What!?”
We are near the berm of a dike overlooking the baseball fields on the banks of the river. So close to the water the air of the early night is refreshingly cool. It’s nice.
We're here for a patrol, waiting on Tarō to link up with us. Recently heightened activity of D-class demons in this area has it deserted. Not bad enough to have demon hunters swarming the place yet in search for a sure payday, so ideal for us. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe we get lucky.
“First your date with the guy from the dry-cleaner, and now you’re leading on this Tarō?”
“That wasn’t a date! And I’m not leading on anyone! We just ate pancakes and he insisted on paying because he says I saved his life.”
Haruki shoots me an exasperated look.
“Look, I’m the last person who should talk to you about this, but you’re a young, attractive woman, Katsumi. Men will interpret any friendly actions—even your smile—through that lens, thinking that you want something from them. Friendly actions does include pancakes.”
“He offered it! And friends do stuff together! And like, Yukio is always hanging with his boys and stuff.”
“And you are…?” Her eyebrow arches with the resignation of a mother.
“Not… a boy… ugh, but like… REALLY!? Every time I…?”
“Yes. You can ask Chie. Every time her department has her go out for after work drinks she has to have her polite guard up. I know you don’t think of yourself as a woman yet, and that’s fair, and your thing. But men, they won’t wait on you. They see what their eyes tell them, and that is a attractive young woman. You need to be aware of that.”
“So men and women can’t be friends?”
“That’s not what I said. But if you keep being cutesy and nice, meeting them one on one, they’ll think they have a shot with you.”
“That’s stupid.”
Haruki waits a second before she asks, “Do you like men?”
“WHAT!? NO! They’re all stupid and super annoying.”
“Even Yukio and Tarō?”
“No… those two are actually pretty nice.”
My reply seems to amuse her.
Yes, okay, I get it, I’ve contradicted my own generalization. It still holds true tho.
Haruki slightly shifts her balance, her eyes fixed on me.
“And women?”
“I have some stupid fantasies, but honestly I’m not into anyone. That’s stuff that’s for future girl-me to figure out.”
Her lips drop into a frown.
“There is no future girl-you Katsumi. It’ll be just you.”
The light from the row of street lamps running along the berm doesn’t fully reach her. Haruki’s expression cast in shadows is hard to read, but I know her gaze is off in the distance on the water.
“No, when I use the【MSCD3000】I’ll become a girl for real, with a real girl-mind and girl-feelings and stuff.”
“That’s not a thing. There is no 'girl-mind' or 'girl-feelings' and using the device won’t turn you into a different person. You’ll be the same you that you are now. I don’t know what it will even do at this point. Change your genitals?”
I remain silent. I can feel that thing welling up inside me. I want to yell at her to shut up, that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Instead I chew at the inside of my cheek.
Haruki continues, “You know there are surgeries for that. Those people don’t wake up as someone else.”
No, but future girl-me will be a real girl not a half-thing imposter so by definition her feelings will be authentic girl-feelings so she will know.
That’s how it has to be.
It has to.
Haruki’s eyes return to me as she says, “Your attraction is on you to figure out, not for someone else.”
Yes, that’s why I don’t want to decide for future girl-me. It isn’t my place, it’s her thing. I’m just getting us there.
「 People don’t wake up as someone else. 」
I did…
I did wake up as someone else, but it was still me.
Different body, different identity, different world but somehow it was still me.
The girl I dreamed of suddenly dissolves into fog right in front of me.
There won’t be any shift change.
My stomach twists into a tight knot.
A painful coil as heavy as a stone.
「 No future girl-me. 」
A subway train passes over the nearby bridge, its brightly illuminated windows reflecting in the calm waters of the river. You can hear it run across the tracks, a faint metallic rushing.
「 Just me. 」
But… I’m a total loser who lied and was nothing but an embarrassing disappointment to his family in his pervious life! I can’t even undo my failures I’m stuck here in this other world as pretty boy. I’m dead in my old life!
There is no way to fix it now…
…
Shut out.
… forever sealed.
…
But I have this life.
My second chance.
I have my friends and I’m going to be a girl.
I'll do it right this time.
I’m going to try to be a better son to my new family than pretty boy ever was—tho I guess more of a daughter. Not causing trouble for them at least should count for something.
And I’ll be a better friend to Tarō instead of a constant hindrance, nuisance and general pain in the ass.
Because of my interference he might not be the 'hero' anymore, but he’s still a decent guy and maybe this world is better off without a hero anyway. There aren’t more demon related deaths than in the original story as far as I can tell, and there isn’t a major crisis. Even the A-classes that originally should’ve been slain by Tarō got taken care of by others. And the calamity demons that will eventually show up? As soon as the harbinger demon appears I’ll catch it and inform the Hunters Guild and then the regular S-rank hunters can take care of the Calamity demons.
I start nervously playing with my long skirt, making it swing this and that way.
“So〜 how would one know?”
“Whom you want to kiss?”
“I don’t know.”
“Other scenarios that stir something in you?”
“I thought about going on a date with Hikari when I’m finally a girl. But… yeah that’s just some stupid fantasy because of all the girl-love stories I read. But it would be cute tho, right?” My voice is very small on the last bit.
There is a strange muffled sound coming from Haruki. I abandon the play with my skirt to look at her. She has her hand over her mouth.
“What?” I ask.
She shakes her head, before answering with a question, “Have you told her?”
“About my situation? No. I want to, but I get too scared every time. What if she rejects me? I wouldn’t know how to deal with that…”
“She’d be an idiot to reject you for who you are. And bigots don’t deserve your time, Katsumi. It’d be her loss, not yours. And I was talking about, have you told her that you want to go on a date?”
“As a girl. That’s the important part here.”
“Then do that.”
“But… Hikari doesn’t know that I’m… you know. And I can’t tell her. I’m too scared.”
“Then show her.”
Show her???
Does she mean I should go on a date with Hikari and show up dressed as girl?
That’s a terrifying idea! That’s insane! How would that be easier than coming clean about my wish and stuff?
Wait!
If I can make it to the meet-up point dressed as girl, I wouldn’t be able to back out anymore. It might be insane, but instead of me stammering and failing to say what I want to say, the first step would be done already. Hikari would know something is up and she’d roughly know the nature of it. I would only have to explain the why. Also I’d be able to gauge her reaction just seeing me like that, and if it’s too negative I can just run away.
Honestly it seems easier—terrifying but easier.
Haruki pushes off the wall and directs my attention with a nod down the path to an approaching silhouette.
“Tarō!” I wave at him.
He comes up to us and after a round of introductions he closes off with, “I look forward to working with you.”
Haruki huffs a short chuckle. “So formal,” she turns to me, “Katsumi, I think you made us look too competent last time.”
Tarō awkwardly forces a smile, “Nuh, I just know my skill level. I’m glad you invited me.”
Haruki nods and starts walking, “Then let’s go. The disturbances shown in the app are faint, but clearly from a class-D, which corresponds to the witness reports. Let’s see if this thing made this area its new stomping grounds or if we dragged you out here for nothing, Tarō.”
“Yes.”
“Still so serious? Don’t worry about your skill. Katsumi and I both were where you are now not too long ago. It just takes practice and a level head.”
The three of us walk side by side with Haruki taking the middle spot.
Tarō sounds a bit embarrassed as he explains, “It’s hard. I got unlucky. I have a very shallow mana pool. I can only keep my sword out for a short amount of time. So it’s an uphill struggle.”
『 !!! 』
HE HAS WHAT!?
BUT!
But in the novel—oh yeah right, after he lost the duel to pretty boy, his grandfather told him how the Yamadas come from a long line of folk-hero demon-hunters and so on and so forth, yada-yada, big speech, and then after gramps made Tarō swear to only ever fight for the good of the people and not glory or riches, he gave Tarō the magical heirloom sword.
Magical weapons are powered by demon hearts. They have their own mana!
So Tarō’s low mana would’ve never become relevant or gotten revealed in the original story, because he relied on his overpowered sword the whole time, cutting down demons with ease and without hesitation.
Isn’t that ironic; the hero suffering from the same debuff as his substitute rival.
All revealed by my unintentional disruption.
“I had the same problem,” I say.
My remark has Tarō super excited, “Tell me, how did you fix it! All I have is buying one of those magic weapons. Somehow.”
I wince, “It won’t work for you. I’m a special case.”
“Don’t be shy. Tell him.” Haruki eggs me on with audible amusement. She must have pieced together my 'solution' from Chie’s theory about my mana.
“Uh… I started dressing as a girl.”
“Hu? That works?”
“No… like… it works for me, because I don’t know, feeling like a girl makes me super happy and that somehow boosts my mana like crazy. It won’t work in your case.”
Haruki smirks, “You never know. It’s always worth a try.”
“Think so?” You can hear the mirth in Tarō’s voice. “Don’t think I can pull it off as well as Katsumi does. Wouldn’t make a very believable girl.”
“Yeah she has the home advantage there.”
“Totally.”
I huff, “What are you guys on about?”
I get a grin I can’t interpret as an answer from Haruki, in that casually confident way that’s typical for her. Oh no, what have I done? That’s the same iron clad confidence that Tarō has. I can’t have them ganging up on me!
“As if that has any relevancy,” I start, “It’s the inside that counts. If you want to be a pretty girl that’s the only thing that’s important. Haruki is right. You should at least give it a try, Tarō. Don’t worry, I know all about it. I’ll send you the make-up and voice training tutorials, and I can even come over and help you. You’ll see, I’ll make a girl out of you.”
Ha! Wouldn’t that be delicious. Rin would have my head, that’s for sure. That alone would make it worth it.
Tarō’s stares at me.
Take that! No ganging up on me.
“She has you now, better acquiesce to your fate,” Haruki helps.
Tarō looks knocked off balance, “No thank you. No-one is putting me in a skirt or anything.”
Concentrating on our surroundings, we fall silent for a while. I know a huge portion of the responsibility rests on me, with my gift to sense demons. Over time Haruki has come to rely more and more on it. I mean it’s pretty convenient to have a sure fire way to confirm if something or someone is a demon.
But so far there is only the deserted river bank as far as the eye can see.
Haruki speaks up, “You don’t seem discouraged by your low mana, Tarō.”
“Because I’m not. Most likely I’ll never make a high rank, but that’s not important. There are enough creeps and self serving assholes out there. I don’t want to add to that. I always wanted to be a man my mother can be proud of, better than the others, you know? And I’ve always been someone who tries to keep others safe. So if I don’t make it higher then D-rank, I don’t mind. It’s not about rank. Every shadow snake or ink tiger we remove could save someone’s life. If I get to save only one poor soul from getting mauled on their way home from work I’ll be fine.”
“Such a humble hunter.”
He laughs. “I wouldn’t say that. Back in high school I dreamed of soloing one of those class-A fuckers. One on one, with a bad-ass weapon like an oversized sword or a scythe.” He nods in my direction, “Katsumi can tell you all about it.”
Not the way Tarō thinks I can, but yeah I know all about Tarō’s grand fantasies. Honestly the novel was really sweet in the beginning. Tarō was really sweet. It’s just, it got dark really fast. One of the B-classes Tarō was hunting lured his mom into a trap and outright killed her in front of Tarō, and then it was just fighting and killing and fighting and killing and Rin occasionally yelling, ‘Tarō watch out!’.
If it hadn’t been for pretty boy’s appearances as a tone deaf nuisance where he kept taunting, mocking and trying to undermine Tarō, I would’ve dropped the novel at lot faster. Their verbal slap fights were rather entertaining.
Hm, Tarō not having his cheat sword and a low mana pool might be a good thing for him. He won’t become a rising star among the demon-hunters, and without that those B-class demons will never target his mother. She’s safe.
I don’t have to worry. My new family are anything but soft targets, rich ass warrior clan. Beyond the private security, both my brothers are demon hunters themselves and mother and father were high ranking hunters back in their day. If anything, I’m the weak link here.
Tarō adds, “My mother raised me all on her own since my first year of elementary school. I admire her a lot. She’s such a strong woman. Do you remember the Mint Line incident?”
Haruki nods, “When that A-Class wiped that whole team of hunters and derailed that train? Yeah, shit was a national tragedy. Of course I remember. Why even ask?”
“People like to forget it seems. Maybe they don't want to think about it. Easier to forget and pretend it didn't happen.” Words laced with smoldering fire, before dejection sets in. “It was my dad’s commuter train. He didn’t make it home.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Tarō. That must’ve been hard as a kid.”
I say nothing.
I know this story.
Tarō told this story to pretty boy.
But words on a page are different to ones spoken in earnest by someone walking beside you in a strained, too composed voice.
My eyes sting.
I know how much that loss impacted him.
“I got really protective of my mother after that. I want to be a good son, a good man. So yes, I once had silly dreams of being able to take out one of those bastards all on my own. But that’s not my fate. But that’s okay, you know?”
“Yes.”
Our steps trail through the night.
It feels strangely removed. The city is right there on the other side of the wide river, glowing windows torn into reflections down the dike, but up here, we’re alone.
No revulsion has crept up my neck so far. The people stayed away, but so has the demon responsible it seems. A patrol of solitude. Us three.
Tarō eyes Haruki, “Hope this doesn’t come out wrong; I think you’re really cool.”
Her eyebrows raise in the dim light. "Is that so?"
"Yeah! You look really cool and you come across all confident and strong. Capable. I've always aspired to be like that. And I've never really seen a woman like you—not that I uh, don't think women are capable, or strong or whatever, just…"
He trails off, embarrassed. Haruki looks over at me with an amused, if confused, smirk.
"Please don't tell me you're crushing on me. That would be awkward."
Some mortified noise leaps from him.
"N-no! I just… I respect it, you know? You don't see it often."
"I see."
A few more beats of silence pass, marked only by the sound of our shoes on the pavement.
"So uh…" Tarō begins, "How'd you go about," he waves a hand, "being… you?"
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"You know, like, you're different from most women. How'd you come to choosing this for yourself?"
Haruki lets out a slow hum. "It wasn't a choice."
"What?"
A nod. "Yep. This is who I am. Though… Hmm. Back in high school it felt like more of a choice. Social expectations seemed much more important at that age. But even then, I only did what made me happy. I kept it up because, well…" She shrugs. "No one could stop me."
"Did anyone try?"
"None who mattered."
The answer seem to satisfy Tarō enough to have him fall silent again.
Good. The last thing I want is for Haruki to be super uncomfortable because of the friend I dragged along. Yes, having him join our partol was technically her idea but still.
I was just trying to be a better friend to Tarō than pretty boy was.
We walk the whole lenght of the supposedly affected area back and forth three times without seeing anything or me getting a ping with my odd demon sense. Finally Haruki calls our small hunt off. With little to go on besides the disturbance and the unspecific reports there isn't much we can do.
We split off at the subway and Haruki promises Tarō he'd get a fight next time.
He looks forlorn.
The doors of the train close and I stare at my reflection trapped in the glass of the window. The world behind it begins to blur.
Just me.