62. Rival’s Guide to a Hero’s Heart
「Katsumi」
Having his face stare back at me in the mirror doesn’t feel strange anymore, but now half the time it isn’t even pretty boy anymore but a boyish looking girl that’s me.
If I put up my hair in a high ponytail it’s just a girl, and that’s feels like some kind of magic trick that’s totally against the rules.
Like wtf!?
What’s a bit frightening is that even when I try, I can’t remember what I looked like before my reincarnation. There is only this impression of a greasy mess of long tangled hair hiding something that hurt to acknowledge. A dark, hunched over silhouette of that coat-hanger like shadow of a guy.
That’s all that remains of the old me, an undefined shadow and something that hurts to acknowledge.
Not even sure anymore if I remembered it when I had freshly woken up as pretty boy. I think I did, but it's gone now. I mean the terror of having a body and face that wasn’t mine is still pretty vivid. Can't deny that. That stuff is etched into my mind. How all the proportions were off when they had me do physical therapy.
Suddenly being smaller totally fucks with all your routines and muscle memory you’ve build up. I was bumping into shit all the time.
But never once did I think, ‘I want to go back’. I’ve never wanted my old body or self back. And if that means that there is something wrong with me, then so be it! I don’t care! It sucked!
Yes, ending up with pretty boy’s kinda meek and willowy body isn’t what I wished for, but for someone like me who doesn’t want to be a guy in the first place being smaller and androgynous is honestly an improvement.
It may have made pretty boy super insecure, but he was clearly an idiot. My guy you could’ve gotten so close to being a pretty girl.
Yes, yes I understand guys don’t like that stuff, they actively hate it, but they are all idiots for it! Why wouldn’t you want to be a girl?
I don’t get it.
────୨ৎ────
I decided to do the high ponytail thing because it looked super cute and is offsetting my nonexistent summer girl clothes. Wearing a regular bra and a dash of make-up with my oversized t-shirt plus shorts combo is all I can do right now to fulfill my 'living as a girl despite everything' mission.
But fear not! Today after I my meet-up with Tarō, I’ll use the opportunity to go shopping. The pay-out from that B-class has me flush with cash so it shouldn’t be a problem.
But first Tarō.
It was a bit surprising that he answered so quickly despite me taking forever to do so. And I rebuffed him on the whole dinner thing—that’s far too romantic date coded. I’m not doing that. So a nice pancake and coffee at this fancy pancake place I saw last time was my counter offer.
I’m super early—don’t know, the whole going out like this had me a bit exited, even if it’s more of a cute tomboy look.
I’ll just wait… Wait!?
WHY IS HE HERE ALREADY TOO!?
Tarō you fool.
I approach “Hi Tarō.”
“Hi, Katsumi.”
I forgot how tall he is.
“You look good.” He says with a bright confidant smile.
Ugh. Why does he have to be so infuriatingly charming?
No wonder he has such an easy time with girls.
He has this very approachable kind of handsomeness. Unlike my brothers, who are these sharp mature looking guys with broad shoulders and toned bodies.
“Thanks.” I mumble.
My cheeks are definitely all rosy. Getting called good looking by a charming guy is something I super don’t have any defenses against.
He sees me as a girl!
A good looking girl!!!
Get your shit together Katsumi! We are not getting flustered by the protagonist, that’s totally embarrassing!
Tarō falls into step right next to me.
It’s odd, I didn’t actually go to school with him. He was friends with pretty boy, not me, but there is a close familiarity as if... Perhaps spending over a hundred chapters in his head, reading his inner most thoughts can create a similar feeling. It would make sense, wouldn’t it? I know he meant those words, the straightforward sincerity in them. Even during his harem antics of the light novel, Tarō never regarded any of the girls as objects or property or lesser than him.
How could you ever turn cruel against a guy like him, pretty boy? Why did Tarō deserve any of it?
“It’s here, right?” His words reach me, still lost in thought
I blink.
“Uh…” I get my bearings, “yes that’s the place.”
“Looks nice.”
“It’s a bit pricey, but they have like, this themed pancake that looks like a super cute jellyfish and it comes with blueberry jam and it looked totally awesome and I…”
I stop myself, getting suddenly self conscious about my rambling.
Tarō has this pleased smirk looking down on me, while holding open the door.
HEY! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!
WUAH!!!
So embarrassing…
I keep my eyes trained at the floor as we enter and get shown a seat.
Sitting down Tarō remarks casually, “So still the same sweet-tooth?”
“I also like savory stuff.” I pout.
The sweet thing is fairly a recent discovery. I was kinda a spicy cup ramen guy in my old life. I wouldn’t have been caught dead in an establishment like this eating something sweet and cutesy, with a guy friend nonetheless. The rumors alone would've killed me. Not that I had guy friends back then.
Yuck.
The boys at school were so annoying and the guys at college were not a lick better.
Tarō doesn’t speak much until we both have ordered.
“I want to say thank you again for saving Rin and me. Thank you Katsumi.”
“Yeah uh… don’t mention it. It’s like… what hunters are supposed to do, isn’t it? Helping each other and stuff, when they see other hunters in need. And you gave me their hearts so this really isn’t necessary.” I sigh heavily. “And I was super shitty to you in the past, so… you know I don’t get you. Why even seek me out?”
“Call me a sentimental idiot, but that first year of senior high with you was great. I never had a friend I vibed with so perfectly.”
“And then I…”
“Then you were a massive dick. But to be honest I couldn’t help myself seeing my friend. Wished you would snap out of it one day. And you did. Tho I was so ready to wreck your shit when Hikari brought you with her. But you kept apologizing and you made that face, from when I met you. That sad… kinda cute face.”
Oh fuck… so the moment you don’t have your overpowered cheat sword Tarō, you become all sappy and corny, holding out hope for your lost friend or whatever?
No wait, strike that, you were always corny, even with the sword. Being the hero saving the day gives a lot of leeway for that kind of stuff I guess. It’s like expected.
“And then it turns out the boy I vibed so well was a girl all along,” he says with a chuckle.
I press out a nervous laughter, “HA!”
Tarō barrels on, “No wonder you got so mad at me that first year when I gave you chocolate on Valentine’s day. I was basically blowing your cover.” He gives a big grin. Come again, you did what!!!? “All the girls were giving each other chocolate and I liked you a lot, so I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But I guess two boys doing that kind of stuff is different than when two girls do it. Even if one of the boys is secretly a girl.”
YOU DID WHAT TARŌ!?
That’s what happened!?
No wonder pretty boy was so super pissed. Having another boy giving you chocolate like that when you’re already small and insecure because of your androgynous unmanly looks is like a social death knell! Oh fuck!
Is that where this whole shit show started?
I can almost picture it.
Tarō you idiot!
Not that Tarō deserved any of pretty boy’s bullshit, but yes I can now see why Mr. Insecure went ballistic.
“That’s when I stopped talking to you?”
“No that’s when you started spreading that rumor about me, remember?”
“No I don’t. My memory from before the car crash is really murky.”
Understatement of the year. All I have are the flashbacks from the novel that I only half remember and what little background lore I know about pretty boy.
“Oh…”
“Yeah, so I’m sorry if I don’t remember important stuff. It’s not me trying to be a massive dick. Again. It’s just gone. Sorry.”
There are another few moments without a conversation while his gaze rests on me. I feel studied. It's uncomfortable, but it’s not like he’s leering or anything like that.
Guess he’s curious? I’ll have to address it, won’t I?
Ugh, I so don’t wanna.
My inner struggle gets cut short. The food arrives and it’s sooo cute! It not only has the form of a cute jellyfish, it even has like, this drawn on eyes and outline and smile, but they aren’t drawn on per se but more caramelized parts of the dough or however they did that. It looks almost too cute to eat.
Only almost.
I'm a ravenous beast, I'm not about to spare the little guy.
I start with his tentacles.
Okay maybe I should just address it and get it over with.
“About the, me being a girl thing.”
Tarō looks up from his meal, “Yes?”
“I told you it’s complicated.”
“Wait… are you trying to say you’re a man?”
…
I know the script. I know what I have to say. That I was always into cute things, that I wanted to wear girl clothes and do girl things. That this is nothing but an innocent if weird hobby. That it is something on the side, that it isn’t serious. That isn’t that thing.
That when I envied girls it was only ever for how they got to behave, that it wasn’t the other thing, not for their bodies—not that. Never that, because that would be serious.
Pretending to be a girl for a while, like a craft one could build a school club around if it weren’t so weird and looked down upon, that’s a thing that’s acceptable.
~ ₊ ⊹ It’s just crossdressing ⊹ ₊ ~
Those should be my lines, so everyone can be relieved.
So everyone can put a mental pin in it and move on, telling themselves that I might be a bit too old for that kind of stuff but there is still time before I get married and become a husband and father. That this is something I can grow out off.
Taking pills that have hormones in them that give you a girl puberty isn’t any of that, it’s the opposite. It is serious, as serious as it gets. It isn’t just being into cute things or wanting to wear cute clothes or embodying a girl for a few hours. I want to be a girl for real and I want to stay one. Not a fucking costume I can take off, not something I do as a silly hobby after work. I want to be a girl through and through.
That’s my wish!
I look at Tarō.
Somehow I know he won’t judge me for it. Maybe it’s a residual impression left in this body from pretty boy or I’ve deluded myself into thinking that after having read so much from his point of view that I know his character.
Or maybe it’s because he’s the hero and I’m just the rival who failed to adhere to his role—I mean it was a really shitty role being someone’s bully and rival, so why would I adhere to it?
He forgave me so easily…
Somehow he feels safe.
I exhale.
“I’m supposed to be a man. But I don’t want to be. It sucks. Always thought things would be better if I’d been born a girl. I started crossdressing—and didn’t stop there. I want to be a girl for real. I started taking these pills and they have hormones in them that give you a full on girl puberty.”
“There are pills like that? They can give you…” His eyes fixate on my chest.
“Yes those are real Tarō.” I growl.
“Full on girl puberty?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. That’s pretty cool man.”
Tarō takes a few bites from his pancake, lost in thought before he continues, “But good for you that you get to be a girl now. Dream come true by the looks of it.”
“I’m not really a girl yet. I’m just trying to live as one. And don’t get me wrong the pills are great. They change your skin, and how you smell and like fat redistribution and you know…” I gesture at my chest.
“Change your face?”
“Guess so.”
“Yeah I could’ve sworn you look different. A lot softer and I guess more feminine?”
What are you talking about Tarō?
I don’t look that different, do I? He’s just confused by the make-up. Guy’s usually don’t even notice it when a woman wears make-up. They’re so painfully oblivious.
“Anyway as great the pills are they won’t fix my problem. So I’m going to get myself a [※MAGICAL SEX-CHANGE DEVICE 3000※].”
“What’s that?”
“Restricted hunter’s gear that can perform a magical sex-change.”
“That’s a thing?”
“Yes.”
His brows furrow in confusion. “Why would a demon-hunter need something like that?”
“Standard gear for hunting those super rare sex-change demons. For if things go south.”
“Okay. What level of restriction are we talking here?”
“A-rank.”
“Oh...”
“Don’t worry I’m going to make it.”
Tarō starts belly laughing.
“What?” I bark.
“That’s such a Katsumi thing to say.” He continues his chuckle. “Don’t worry I’m going to make it.” He repeats in a strangely stern falsetto.
“Was that your attempt imitating me?”
“Hey, lacking your girl puberty that’s the best I have.”
“Pitiful. And so you know the pills do nothing for your voice. You have to train your voice. So, skill issue.”
I get another chuckle out of him, “Not a skill I have any use for, you know?”
I look at him with his handsome protagonist face and that disarming smile.
Fuck, this actually feels nice. He’s like totally easy going.
There was no judgment or anything.
He isn’t repulsed by me or by the stuff I said.
I feel so… relieved.
After another bite he asks, “So this is trained?”
“Yes.”
“Suits you.”
Yes.
Yes it does.
Pretty boy’s voice coming out of my throat always felt strange and unwieldy, but this? This is me. And it’s not too different to the way I sound in the spirit world.
“Thank you.” I hear the warmth in my words.
You're really the good guy, aren't you? Sorry that I ruined your story.
“How would you know? I mean you look to be in a better mood than before. But you said things would've been better if you'd been born a girl, and yes you look happier, but how would you know that in advance?”
“Dunno. I just thought it. In school I wanted to be included with the girls and then later I imagined being one of them and it just felt great, like the idea alone. I read a lot of stuff about girls being sweet to another and I got this intense longing to have that too. And I imagined being one of the girls in my books and it just felt so fantastic and right.”
“So imaging yourself as a girl, that felt good—that's how you knew doing all that stuff would make you happy?”
“It's a bit more than that alone, but yeah.”
“I guess that makes sense. Sorry about all the questions man. It's not every day that your old high school friend becomes a girl.” A slightly awkward grin punctuates his words.
Tarō starts talking about Rin, and I only half listen. That woman definitely hates my guts. From gushing about his girlfriend and something about her difficulties at college, he finds himself talking about the demon-hunting patrols he engaged in the past weeks,
Suddenly he becomes all sheepish, “So the girl with you?”
“Haruki.”
“Haruki. She was so cool. I’ve never seen a woman like her before, strong and I don’t mean like physically—tho that too—but in presence, you know? She had this confidence and whole aura. We didn’t have girls like her at our school. Not at college or anywhere.”
I know a place where you could meet some Tarō, but they won’t let the likes of you in, not unless you wear a skirt and renounce being a guy.
I giggle inwardly. Though I guess he’s right, even in my old life I couldn’t remember anyone at school or college who was like Haruki. I do remember a duo of pretty rough tomboys at school. They could have gone in Haruki’s direction as they grew older. I guess she's kinda impressive.
Tarō gestures a bit nervously, “Could you introduce me?”
“Eh!?”
“Come on man, I'd really like to meet her again.”
Oh here comes the old Tarō with his harem building.
“You are barking up the wrong tree. Won’t work Tarō. Don’t even try.”
“Hu?”
“She’s not going to fall for you. Ever.”
“I don’t care. I wanna be friends with her. I mean if she wants to.”
“You see a person one time and just decide, I want her as a friend?”
“Man, she was really cool.”
I let out a sigh. “Okay, I’ll ask her. But it will be up to her, understood?”
He nods, very solemnly.