She Who Woke Among Eternity

“You did a lot of talking with strangers today,” Avalyn said to her mama in Melcarna. It was night now, and Mama and Nevella had spent the whole day with Gramps, Scevi, and her. It had been interesting to watch how Gramps and Scevi interacted with the two gods. At first, they were very awkward, and though that never fully went away, they got better at just interacting with them as people. Scevi was a lot faster at it than Gramps, but he wasn’t far behind.

“Only two, and I had been watching Vestan for a while before interacting with him,” Mama said, holding Avalyn tight as they both lay on Avalyn’s bed. It wasn’t big enough for Mama to fully stretch out, but she could get comfortable, mostly. “But it was a lot more socializing than I am used to.”

“Yeah, I have to admit, I’m getting a little socialled out myself.” She sighed. “I really just need a day to myself, but there’s still so much to do, and I don’t have all the things I used to do to help me regulate…”

Mama nodded with understanding. “Life is so much different now, for both of us.” She paused, but only for a moment. “Though I will admit I am strangely not finding spending all my time with Nevella as draining as I thought it would be. In fact, it’s been a little helpful.”

During their time all together, the story of how Mama and Nevella met had come up, but outside of that Avalyn hadn’t had much of a chance to talk to Mama about her new companion. “How so?”

It took a moment for Mama to put the right words together in her mind before speaking them. “I can feel really hopeless at times, and seeing how little is left of all I’ve ever known has been really hard. Not to mention how overwhelmed I feel with now having to piece together what is left to make you your body… Nevella has been ever optimistic. Every place I take her, she is excited beyond measure, and never does she doubt that we’ll be able to make you a body. Every little thing is like finding a lost piece of invaluable treasure for her. Even just finding an intact lamp makes her so happy.”

Mama paused for a while as Avalyn watched a few emotions cross her face. Eventually her face settled into a gentle smile and her crown of feathers relaxed a little. “She makes me feel hopeful and keeps me encouraged. I also think she’s realized how shy and nervous I am. At first, I think she thought I was very standoffish and curt, like a lot of people did, but I think she’s seen past that. She never pushes me too far, even when I can tell she has millions of questions she wants to ask me.”

Avalyn wished she could smile with her Mama. “She sounds like a good friend.” For the first time, Avalyn saw her Mama’s face turn just a hint darker amber.

“I-I wouldn’t want to put that label on it.” The blush on her face became even deeper. “I don’t even know if she likes me more than a guide through Vysven history.”

Oh, they were going to become really good friends; Avalyn was sure of it. “I think today made it clear that she enjoys talking to you, even about things that aren’t related to Vysven stuff.” Mama looked away slightly and didn’t respond. If this were a story written by Avalyn, these two would absolutely be love interests, but in real life, Avalyn didn’t want to put those expectations on real people. Feeling that Mama was getting a little nervous by this line of though Avalyn said, “Nevella ate so much of Gramps’s cooking today.”

Mama nodded. “I’ve not seen her eat that much food before. It was fantastic food.” Something that Avalyn discovered today was that Mama’s mask could in fact turn into a half mask, with the bottom half disappearing so that she could eat with it on.

“I’m glad Gramps had people to cook for. I’m not really around when he and Scevi eat, but from the looks of what he can make, I think cooking is a close second behind vintage starships in things that he likes.” Avalyn wouldn’t admit it, but sitting with everyone while they all ate and talked about how good the food was really upset her. She didn’t blame any of them or feel hurt by them for eating in front of her, but just having to sit there and watch them all enjoy a meal was so deeply envy-inducing.

“He’s very good at it, even if the food is very different from what I know. I will admit it was a little hard for me to try new foods, but I’m happy I did.”

“It’s interesting that you feel that way,” Avalyn said thoughtfully. “I might be your genetic clone, but my lived experience in the simulation actually moved me past that fear of new foods.”

“Really?”

Avalyn nodded, a smile that no one would see crossed the face of her ghost self inside the automaton. “My parents always encouraged me to try new foods whenever and wherever I went. They always said that trying the food was important, and if I didn’t like it, then we would get me some food I did like. I never had to deal with you eating whatever is put in front of you. Though maybe that’s because my parents were upper-middle class.” The hidden smile on her face faded. She hadn’t thought about her parents since the night atop the hangar. She hadn’t let herself think about any of the people she had loved in the simulation.

Mama was saying words, but Avalyn didn’t hear any of them. Her mind was stuck on all the happy memories she had of her family. A pain in her imaginary chest flourished as she recalled their smiles, their quirks, their favorite foods, even their dislikes…

“I won’t ever see them again…” Avalyn’s words were quiet, even under Mama’s usually quiet voice. Mama’s unheard words faded away. “They weren’t even real people…” That was the realization that hurt the most. All the people she had ever loved in the simulation were nothing more than advanced programs meant to imitate life. Now Avalyn was the ‘automaton’ among real people, but before she had never realized she was the only real person among automatons. How incredibly cruel it was to learn a life well lived was nothing more than an elaborate fantasy.

“It was all a lie. A fucking lie.” The crying in her voice was the only indicator she was crying, and that in itself was upsetting. “Everything that made me who I am was nothing more than simulations designed to trick me into thinking it was real. Even down to the taste of strawberries…” Avalyn didn’t know why that turned her light crying into sobs, but it was. Strawberries were such a simple thing, but the flavor was such a wonderful and innocent experience. She loved a good, crisp strawberry, and now she would never taste them again…

“I’m so sorry, Avalyn,” Mama said, her words finally making their way into Avalyn’s mind. They didn’t help the sobbing, nor did wrapping her wings tighter around the regent. “I’m sorry you had to experience something so cruel.” Now her voice was also tearful. “That life was not meant to be ripped away from you like that.”

Not having realized her gaze had drifted away from Mama, Avalyn turned her attention back to her. “W-what do y-you mean?”

“The simulation should have let you live so much longer. Let you grow old and learn to let go. Learn to anticipate what comes after death, feeling comfortable knowing what you were leaving behind.”

“T-then why the f-fuck didn’t i-it?!” Anger flared with the immeasurable sorrow. She could have had so much more time with everyone and everything she had ever loved. Why would it rip that away from her?!

“I… I don’t fully know,” Mama admitted. “I can only assume the cradle drained all the power it could from this ship. There wouldn’t be enough to let you experience the rest of your life, so it cut it short, taking the chance that it would work and you would grow a soul.”

Avalyn took a moment to absorb those words. “There w-was a c-chance it wouldn’t have worked? T-that I wouldn’t h-have been born?”

Mama flapped her crown twice. “If it didn’t work, then it would never have been able to work. Cradles have one attempt to make a soul, and even with enough power to let the simulation run in full, most don’t work.” She squeezed Avalyn tighter. “Regents are rare and very special, Avalyn. Including you, there are only 16 to have ever been born.”

That was news to Avalyn. She had been operating under the assumption that the creation of Regents was a perfect science. “Out o-of how many a-attempts?”

“148.”

“So only 10.81% of the time it works?” She hated how easily she did the math. There wasn’t even a thought to do it; she just knew the answer before she even wanted to figure it out.

“Those are the attempts of cradles after we had discovered the first version that worked. There were hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of attempts at making life through non-organic means. You truly are the culmination of all the most advanced technology and magic our people have ever achieved, and even then we only got it right 16 times.”

Avalyn was still crying, but her mind was mostly moved on from what had upset her in the first place. The mechanism of ignoring the bad feelings was running again, even if she knew continuing to bottle all this up would not lead to the best outcome. She wanted to ask what was the point of making regents again, but she knew that was still something she needed to discover for herself. “Do you think more than me and the one that killed a system still exist?”

Mama didn’t respond right away. “I have no idea, but I hope so.”

“If we can find and wake them, will the other gods come back?”

“Hopefully, but our experience is a little different from theirs.”

“How so?”

“You were born, which is what brought me back. People can exist without living gods, so even if we find and wake them, that doesn’t mean the other gods will come back. Just like all the other gods didn’t come back when you were born.”

Avalyn was quiet for a while. “We’ll find a way to bring them back to life.” A thought occured to Avalyn; since she just had speakers instead of vocal cords, she could perfectly replicate voices. “Life, uh, finds a way¹Jurassic Park,” she said in Ian Malcolm’s voice.

Half of Mama’s crown raised up, clearly picking up that those weren’t Avalyn’s own words, but not having an understanding of where they were from. Before she could question the phrase, Mama did something Avalyn hadn’t seen her do before. She yawned.

“Tired?” Avalyn asked, and her mama flapped her crown twice. “When was the last time you slept?”

Mama’s face turned a darker shade of amber. “When I last saw you.”

“You’ve been up for five days?!”

Mama nodded. “We gods don’t need to sleep and eat as often.”

“Is five days a normal amount of time to be up?” The blush on the goddess’s face got darker. “Mama, you need to sleep. I told you that you need to make sure to rest.”

“I know, but there’s so much to be done.” Though her words were clearly true, Avalyn felt there was some part to this that Mama was hiding.

“And they will get done when you’re well-rested. No more staying up for five days.”

“Okay…”