Captive Audience
I was surprised when Carolyn handed off the leash to Deyha outside the Waffle Haus.
“You said you were taking her for a walk, right? I should go wrap some things up in the lab.”
“I think you should come for a walk too.”
“I’m just too busy to—“ Carolyn broke off as she checked her coat pockets for the second time. “Shit, where are my keys?”
“I have them.”
“I probably dropped them when I got the leash out.” Carolyn was already halfway back to the Waffle Haus when the words seem to click. “What? How? Why?”
“When, where.” Deyha smirked. “Come on, there’s a gas station down the street that sells condoms.”
“All gas stations sell condoms.” Carolyn grumbled and pulled her coat tighter around herself. “And that’s an absurd carrot to dangle, I don't want condoms. Maddie doesn't want condoms.”
“Moo!” I agreed, and Deyha patted my head.
“You’re right. I just wanted Maddie to pick out a few candy bars for her upcoming omnivore mod.”
“The story is still flakey.” Carolyn muttered as she fell in step beside me. “This is extortion.— or… what's the word for being detained against my will… I’m being detained and I don't like it.”
“You can go strike up conversation with the blood-sucker until we get back~”
“Is that a slur? That sounds like a slur.”
Deyha and I both shrugged.
“Gimmie back the leash.” Carolyn held out her hand.
Deyha handed the loop off to me. I contemplated jokingly making a run for it, or rage-baiting Carolyn, but she took it before I could commit.
“So what do you two usually talk about on your ‘walks’?” She made air quotes before slipping the leash over her wrist.
“Life. the universe…”
“Nerd shit. Cool.” Carolyn's tone was still heavy with derision. “How did you get my keys off of me?”
“I put Maddie up to it.”
I shook my head, mooing emphatically as Carolyn turned on me.
“You know,” Deyha continued. “She’s quite dextrous with all those games she plays. Could be a concerningly good hustler if she took to cards.”
“So dissapointing.” Carolyn shook her head. “How should I punish you?”
I shook my head, frantically pointing at Deyha, but Carolyn was unmoved.
“You can hear them rattling in the pocket of her dress~” Deyha reached past me to dig into the pocket closest to Carolyn, and to my horror she pulled out a familiar key ring.
“Huh. Not bad.” Carolyn caught the keys as Deyha dropped them into her hand.
“You’re not going to bail on the walk now that you have those are you?”
“No, it seems I must chaperone our little kleptomaniac lest she rob the poor convenience store blind.”
“Moo!!”
“I know, Maddie, I know. You just couldn't control yourself. Between the allure of shiny things and Deyha’s gorgeous pleading eyes… Yes I know it was all Deyha.” She leaned forward to look past me. “I’m actually a little impressed and concerned.”
“I won't use my powers for evil. Though I suppose you’ll be more suspicious of my hugs and kisses going forward.”
“Eh, I’ll take a leaf out of Maddie’s book: Trust you implicitly.”
“Yeah that sounds like her.” Deyha moved to pat my head but I took off my hat so that I could squint at her properly. She just chuckled and held my chin instead, leaning in for a brief kiss before turning back to the sidewalk.
Silence fell for a moment, broken only by the whoosh of cars rolling by. Carolyn toyed with the leash and I pulled Deyha closer, it was difficult to match her longer strides but with enough effort I felt I was able to do a passable job.
“Do you think you’re her favorite?” Carolyn mused.
I turned to look, doing my best to seem scandalized, but Deyha just hummed and shrugged.
“I dunno. She really took to you first…”
“Moo!”
“But that was mostly her being weak to my charms. She fell for you pretty hard.”
“Moo‽”
“Should we start walking in opposite directions to see who she follows?” Deyha had scarcely finished talking before I was holding onto them both.
“Mmmm. I should have expected that.” Carolyn mused as I redoubled my efforts to keep them from separating. “Maybe it's more of a wishbone situation? We see which of us she holds onto better…”
“Moo!!!” I shook my head,
“I know what could help her decide.” Deyha pulled out her phone with her free hand, “but she really won't like it.”
“Ooooh~ sounds spicy. Do tell.”
“We could tell her who blocked In-Snare on the farm network.”
“Moo‽ Moo? MooOoo!”
“Yeah I’m not sure what that one meant.” Carolyn chuckled. “But I am sure that's been very frustrating. Buffering all your little short videos… probably threw a wrench in online shopping too.”
“Moo!” I let go of Carolyn's arm so that I could scowl at her properly, but that just made the two of them laugh all the harder.
“Well, now we know who she holds responsible at least.” Deyha continued flicking on her phone until she had pulled up a familiar bare-bones interface that she had used to shut off the farm power so long ago. “Let's see… In-Snare -of course- StuffMart… Merchtube… are there any new ones I should add?”
I dropped Deyha’s arm too now. “Moo?”
“Oh the betrayal!” Carolyn played up the melodrama. “Did you even realize that those sites were intentionally blocked? Or did you genuinely think it was an accident?”
“Moo~” I reached to unclip the leash so that I could talk but Carolyn caught my wrist.
“Ah ah, we agreed. Be a good girl and listen for a while and we will buy you a bunch of candy, okay?”
I glared at Carolyn and shook her hand off but I didn't go for the leash again.
“Don’t put this all on Carolyn,” Deyha chided me. “I’m the one who sets the internet policy and she did not put me up to it.”
“Though I’ll confess I asked her to expand the list when I noticed.”
I threw my arms up. There were no ‘moo’s for this. I couldn’t believe I’d been so sure it was just some grand mistake.
“In the spirit of confessing things though…” Deyha seemed a little abashed now. “I did install a short range cell jammer in the bedroom.”
I folded my arms. That explained the last price of the puzzle, how my cell bars so mysteriously suffered in bed despite still being able to make wifi calls and texts.
She let the statement hang for a moment, as though I was capable of responding or questioning further. I decided to stare resolutely forward.
“Do you understand why I did that?”
I rolled my eyes and nodded. Already the anger and frustration was turning into a sickly discomfort in my gut, and I was increasingly eager for them to each just say their piece and get it over with.
“Please understand that those videos are so fucking annoying to listen to. You hardly ever wore headphones unless one of us specifically asked.”
“Mhmm.” I grumbled and continued to avoid eye contact. I could admit that I’d been a bit rude about it, but the web filter and cell jammer seemed unbelievably petty.
“It's for your own good.” Carolyn chimed in and I was once again tempted to go for the leash.
There were no gestures to express how condescending that sounded.
“Seriously though,” Deyha insisted. “Even the videos you were watching were telling you stuff about fake news, depression, and all sorts of negative effects. Catastrophic for your attention span— and you can’t tell me that you’re worse off without that noise.”
I let out my breath in a huff. It was just as well that I couldn't speak. I had been spending more time playing board games in the lobby since In-Snare wasn’t available, and there was no denying that was a way better use of my time. Any argument I could put forward now would be childish ranting and entitled whining about rights and privacy.
It didn’t help that this felt like an unplanned intervention. Hell, Deyha had brought it up as if we would all be laughing at this casual censorship.
What made it worse was that I’d hardly been given a chance to do anything about it myself. Like, after Carolyn not-so-gently confronted me about my spending habits I had made conscious efforts to do less online shopping. But when was there a discussion about videos?
If it was such a goddamned problem why couldn’t I be trusted to regulate on my own without these round-about schemes to force me to quit? It was like they checked me into rehab for an addiction without even telling me I was supposed to recover.
Our little walk had stalled out just outside the gas station parking lot. I could see the stupid candy aisle from here and it was hard to believe that it would be worth it.
“Are you mad at us?”
Deyha sounded so timid, as if she couldn’t tell from my entire mood, but I also couldn’t bring myself to nod.
I shrugged. It was a cop out but I felt like I'd earned a bit of non-committal shrugging after all this bullshit.
“Do you still love us?”
Carolyn at least sounded a little less serious than Deyha, which somehow helped it feel like less of a loaded question and more of a reminder that yeah, of course I still fucking loved them.
I rolled my eyes and nodded.
“Awwww yay.” Carolyn doubled down on the teasing sarcastic tone.
I pointed at the gas station.
“Okay, okay.” Deyha started walking again. “You’ve been very good, so I suppose it’s time to get you your candy bar.”
“Moo!”
“What? You don’t want candy anymore?” Carolyn pulled me into a side hug.
“Moo moo!” I tried to make expansive gestures despite the limited personal space. I was pretty damn sure that the promise had been plural and I’d be damned if I’d sat through that entire fucking confrontation for a single lowsy mocha munchie.
“I think she feels like she deserves more than one candy bar.” Deyha’s tone sounded closer to Carolyn’s now. Insufferably teasing and sarcastic.
“Moo!!!” I nodded emphatically, much to their amusement.
“Fine~” Carolyn sounded aggrieved. “I suppose you can have two.”
I shook my head and held up ten fingers, though frankly I would have demanded more if I had the spare digits.
“Ten?” Deyha whistled. “Well, I suppose we do love you an awful lot, so we can probably make that happen.”
“Moo~” I grumbled, making the most authentic sounding cow sound so far.
I knew for a fact that I was going to be grabbing every manner of candy that struck my fancy and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be counting.