How to Ruin a Romantic Comedy

“Hm? What is it?”

“What’s that on your neck? Is that a Band-Aid?”

Tetsuya’s question was utterly innocent.

Miyuki flinched and brought a hand to the Band-Aid.

“Ah… this… it’s a mosquito bite…”

“Really? Doesn’t a Band-Aid make it heal slower?”

“Well… it got redder than I expected…”

“You should be more careful. Need some ointment?”

“I already put some on. Thanks for worrying about me.”

Miyuki flashed a bright smile and turned around.

After taking a few modest steps back, she looked at me as I was loitering around with a hand on the back of my head, and said in a flushed voice, “Matsuda-kun, hurry up.”

“We have plenty of time. We can walk slowly.”

“What do you mean, plenty of time? The teacher said we have a math pop quiz today. We need to go and cram.”

“When did they say that?”

“On Friday.”

“Why would you even remember that?”

Miyuki stopped in her tracks, waiting for me to catch up.

Tetsuya, in turn, also stopped.

I glanced at the guy’s face before naturally stepping in front of Miyuki.

Then, I looked down at her with a lazy smirk.

“What.”

“You have dust on your clothes.”

Miyuki used her thumb and forefinger to pick a piece of dust off the front of my dress shirt.

She even patted the area between my collarbone and shoulder with her palm before chiding me cutely.

“Don’t be so clumsy and walk around with stuff like this on you. Brush yourself off.”

“I checked before I put it on… Maybe the air is stale up here.”

As I subtly teased Miyuki about her short stature, she let out a soft laugh and turned to face forward again.

“Tetsuya-kun, let’s go.”

“Ah, right…”

His face was a mask of bewilderment.

He’d noticed that Miyuki was being much friendlier to me than usual.

Even for someone as dense as him, there was no way he wouldn’t notice after Miyuki had been so obvious.

When I played DokiAka, I made sure to trigger your events as the protagonist, doing whatever I could to get your naive ass closer to the heroines, but…

Not anymore.

The main character here isn’t you. It’s me.

There’s nothing but a bleak future waiting for you.

But a question suddenly occurred to me.

As I’d thought before, when I played DokiAka, I was the one who triggered Tetsuya’s events.

I moved him to where the heroines were, had conversations, and picked the dialogue options.

But what about now?

If Tetsuya runs into an event with Renka, or Hiyori, what choices will he make?

Given his indecisive and stupid personality, he’ll probably do something useless…

But he’s always been lucky with the ladies, so who knows what’ll happen.

“Matsuda-kun, I told you to hurry up!”

Miyuki’s call came from a distance, as she walked ahead with Tetsuya.

When she got in the car today, and just now when she brushed the dust off me…

I felt a certain resolve in her eyes. She must be getting ready, right?

Doing it on a weekday would be nice, but for our first time, it’d be better if the next day was a holiday, rather than being rushed by the pressure of having to go to school.

I’ll set the mood on the day the cultural festival ends this week.

…

“Junior Matsuda! Did you have a good weekend?”

Chinami raised both hands to her shoulders and waved them like a preschool teacher.

I found myself wondering if she could maintain that high energy at night.

I walked up to her and replied nonchalantly.

“It was fine. How about you, Master?”

“I had a great weekend, too. But why do you look so tired? Are you down because it’s Monday?”

It’s not that I look tired, you’re just way too energetic.

“You’re imagining things. What are we doing today?”

“Today, you just need to fold the towels, move the water bottles, and then wait until club activities are over to clean the hogu.”

“Surprisingly relaxed, huh? I thought it’d be busy since it’s a Monday. Can I start practicing right away, then?”

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“Nope! You have to stay in the club room today. You need to observe the first sparring match of the second semester.”

At the words “sparring match,” my ears perked up.

The first sparring match of the second semester is one of DokiAka’s important events.

There’s a scene where members challenge the club president, Renka, one after another. After a few of them get their asses handed to them, no one else steps up to challenge her.

Just as the coach is about to click his tongue and scold the members, Tetsuya bravely raises his hand.

Even though he’s a beginner who doesn’t even know how to put on his hogu, let alone anything about match strategy.

The coach, impressed by his spirit, orders Renka to accept the challenge, and Renka goes easy on Tetsuya as he charges at her with his messy form.

After the match, she praises his fighting spirit, and from then on, she starts giving him private kendo lessons.

That’s when she discovers a tiny speck of talent that Tetsuya possesses.

The time when Tetsuya and Renka truly start to get closer is right after that.

Originally, this event was supposed to happen after the cultural festival, but the fact that it’s happening now means…

That with me, a minor role, becoming the lead, the timing has been thrown off.

Just like with the minor events involving Miyuki.

It’s probably better to think of this not as an event for Tetsuya, but as an event for me.

Or an event for the two of them.

“A sparring match?”

“Yes! It’s a way to build camaraderie and, for the first-year juniors, it’s part of their training to develop a discerning eye. I’ll be folding the towels, so could you bring the bottled water from the equipment room?”

“Yes.”

A quiet atmosphere filled the club room.

Next to the second and third-years, who were wearing their hogu except for their head and hand protectors, the first-years, including Tetsuya, were sitting in seiza.

Renka… isn’t here.

Is she putting on her hogu?

“I’m going to go get my hogu on. You can sit over there and observe, Junior.”

Chinami whispered, her lips close to my ear.

Her hot breath tickled my ear.

I subtly raised one shoulder to endure the ticklish sensation and asked, “Are you sparring too, Master?”

“Yes. You’re learning the high stance, right? I hope you can learn something from watching me.”

Aah… my dear Chinami… how can your heart be so pure.

I wonder… do you like getting the lift-and-thrust while watching yourself in a mirror?

I want to hear you moaning in pleasure, your face hidden in embarrassment.

“Understood.”

As Chinami trotted away, I sat down in seiza next to Tetsuya.

Then I nudged him with my elbow.

“What’s up with you today?”

“Huh…? What do you mean?”

“You’ve been looking down since this morning. Wondered if you ate something bad.”

“Ah… I’m fine. I just don’t have much energy.”

Just say it. You’re feeling conflicted because it looks like Miyuki and I have gotten super close.

“You’re no fun.”

“Um… Matsuda.”

“What.”

“By any chance…”

Just as he was about to say something, the door to the coach’s office opened and the coach, Dojima Goro, strode out.

Tetsuya clamped his mouth shut and stared straight ahead.

Was he about to ask what my relationship with Miyuki was?

Too bad. With your timid personality, if you don’t ask now, you’ll just suffer in silence.

It suits you better to just get hard watching Miyuki and me being all lovey-dovey.

It’s better for you that way, too.

“Are you all ready?”

At Goro’s words, who was stroking his chin beard, the kendo club members answered in unison.

““Yes, Coach!””

Their voices echoed through the club room.

As I smacked my lips, having failed to time my response again, Goro nodded in satisfaction and said, “First-years, I hope you awaken your eye for kendo through this sparring. Don’t think of it as just a match, but as an opportunity to learn etiquette as well. You all know the rules, right?”

““Yes, Coach!””

I only know a little.

Should I just watch and figure it out?

I should have asked Chinami first. I was too laid-back.

“We’ll start with a match between Chinami and Renka. Renka will remain to take on challengers. Anyone who wishes to challenge her, raise your hand.”

““Understood!!””

Click.

Soon after, the changing room door opened, and Chinami and Renka, fully dressed in their hogu, walked out side-by-side.

Renka strode forward with her long legs, while Chinami scurried along beside her.

The height difference was so significant they looked like a mother and daughter.

But Chinami… can she even handle the weight of the hogu?

She looks so precarious, it’s worrying.

The two of them, with long white and red ribbons tied to the back of their head guards respectively, soon stopped at the edge of a rectangular match area that looked to be about ten meters on one side.

Then Goro and two third-year seniors who weren’t wearing hogu took up positions at regular intervals along the perimeter, holding red and white flags.

Renka and Chinami crouched in front of the white tape in the center of the match area and performed the kendo kneeling ritual.

This is usually where an exposition character would pop up to explain their skill levels… but everyone is so tense that it’s silent.

In that case, I’ll just have to make it happen myself.

I leaned over, nudged Tetsuya, and asked quietly, “I heard Inoo-senpai is really good. How good is she?”

“They say she’s top-tier among all the academies in the country. Whenever she enters a tournament, she’s always considered a favorite to win.”

“Really? What about Nanase-senpai?”

“Nanase-senpai is amazing too. Her individual match record is good, but she’s apparently a monster in team competitions…”

“Thanks for the explanation.”

“No problem.”

As Tetsuya gave an awkward smile and turned back to the front, Goro’s powerful voice rang out.

“Begin!”

Simultaneously, Renka and Chinami let out a kiai and took their respective stances.

“Haap!”

“Yaaah!”

Renka’s was dignified, Chinami’s was cute.

Their shouts suited them perfectly.

Barely suppressing a laugh, I watched their match, pretending to be nonchalant.

The two of them sized each other up, shuffling their feet and shifting their arms.

The first to attack was…

“Men!” [Head!]

It was Chinami, who was in the high stance with her arms raised high above her head.

As she stomped her foot and struck down, she released her right hand, which had been steadying the bamboo sword, and fully extended her left.

The strike, its range now extended, aimed for the left side of Renka’s head.

Whoosh-!

The powerfully swung bamboo sword looked as if it would strike Renka’s head at any moment.

But…

“Hup!”

In an instant, Renka raised her wrists and angled her bamboo sword to deflect Chinami’s attack.

Clack-!

With the crisp sound of bamboo swords clashing, a fierce exchange of blows unfolded between them.

“Yap! Men! Men! Men!”

Chinami relentlessly aimed for Renka’s head.

She was probably trying to create an opening elsewhere by forcing Renka to raise her hands to defend her head… but Renka was like a rock, giving no openings.

Renka, too, was so busy defending against Chinami’s swift attacks that she couldn’t properly launch an offense.

Could it be that Chinami has just as much talent as Renka?

Just as I was thinking that,

“Tsuki!” [Thrust!]

With a short kiai, Renka’s hands shot forward.

The tip of the bamboo sword extended in the blink of an eye.

It connected right below the center of the head guard Chinami was wearing.

Thwack-!

“Gak!”

As Chinami’s head snapped back from the precise strike to her throat, Goro raised the white flag and shouted.

“Ippon!”

At the same time, the two third-year seniors acting as judges flashed their white flags.

In kendo, a point is scored when two or more of the three judges raise the same color flag.

And the unanimously raised white flags matched the color of the ribbon tied to the back of Renka’s hogu.

“Hoo…”

Having scored a point, Renka caught her breath.

She had been completely focused. That was proof of how formidable Chinami’s assault had been.

Clap, clap, clap-!

The applause from the club members, who had been holding their breath, echoed through the room…

Chinami corrected her posture, stood opposite Renka in the center, and bowed.

Then Goro shouted.

“Resume!”

The two immediately began to exchange blows again.

The second round, unlike the first, lasted for quite a long time before it ended.

Clack!

“Ippon!”

This point also went to Renka.

In kendo, which is a best-two-out-of-three-points match, losing two points meant the match was decided.

Chinami, who had been cleanly struck by a magnificent kendo counter-attack technique, cutely stomped her foot, then faced Renka, performed the kneeling ritual, and retrieved her sword.

“Thank you for the match.”

“Thank you for the match.”

Although she didn’t score any points, Chinami’s skill was truly outstanding.

That much was obvious from watching Renka’s next match against a third-year senior.

“Hiiyaaaah!!”

A senior charged in, letting out a strange kiai like a ronin.

“Men!”

Clack-!

Renka exploited an opening and easily scored an ippon…

After five male and female seniors had been defeated in this way, there was no one left to challenge Renka.

“Next challenger, raise your hand.”

The club room remained silent despite Goro’s call.

Veins popped on Goro’s forehead at the sight of the members, who were unwilling to risk embarrassment.

“Such a lack of spirit…”

At that moment,

“I’ll do it!”

Tetsuya raised his hand.

“Me too.”

And so did I.