1.21 Pronouns, Peculiarities, and Playthings
Vicktor came to consciousness slowly, feeling the movement of those around the cot, feeling the others waking, hearing some lingering snores and smelling the familiar breakfast.
Vicktor grabbed a towel, hiding a part of the strengthening body from the outside. There was no time for showering after Nora and Alar had stayed until the tears ceased.
The shower was hot and steamy, it massaged the hard body that had been developing in both strength and power. The dirt and grime were replaced with simple soaps and neutral oils. Few wore perfumes or colognes, beastkin noses were often much stronger than base humans.
Vicktor ignored the noises that came from a locked stall. No need to get annoyed because of someone else's harmless fun.
The body dried, aided by the fresh towel. Hair dried too, it was kept short at the academy but in the weeks and months that followed, it had been allowed to grow. The hair almost reached the name of the neck, something should be done about it soon.
'Or perhaps not'
The body was soon clothed in a neutral robe. It had fitted well physically, but now it was tight in the shoulders and chest, something should be done about it soon.
'Or perhaps another day'
The body was fed, the grains gave it energy, the protein let it keep its strength and grow stronger, the fats kept it full between meals.
The body's ears listened to conversations amongst the mind's friends, but the mind did not hear a word of it. The mind's friends departed, each to a different path.
The body returned to its cot. The body stilled, the mind raced, worrying about things it knew it did not have the energy for.
The body closed its eyes, breathed in, held it, and breathed out. It repeated this cycle numerous times until finally a voice broke the mind's racing in an endless spiral. The body opened its eyes.
"Vicktor!"
"Vicktor, !"
Quinn stood above Vicktor. The furry face hovering above him, the feline maw in a clear frown. Zir paw holding a familiar piece of stationary. Ze wore a familiar black robe with red trim. Quinn's head and hair were dyed a maroon and a deep blue which differed greatly to the royal purple and gold he had seen zir with before.
"I got your letter, come back to my place, we should talk somewhere quiet."
Vicktor slowly got to his feet, rounded the corner of the cot and hugged Quinn tightly, zir soft chest pushing against his flat toned one. Ze waited a moment then hugged back gently, patting his lower back.
"Let's go."
The two departed and walked slowly to zir place, an apartment near the central hub of Allium.
They walked in silence, Vicktor was tempted to try and walk with only his newly empowered earth sense, but he decided that was a bad idea. One powerful feeling at a time...
The door was opened with a press of zir paw on a silver rectangle on the doorway. This kind of archive connection was somewhat expensive, but it prevented undetectable access, the most dangerous kind of physical penetration.
'Well, for a residence'
Vicktor's little joke lightened his mood as he stepped through the doorway, revealing a familiar room and a familiar extensive library. He had been looking at the titles the last time he was here, but he had been–
The door shut and latched behind him, Quinn spoke in a sweet alto.
"Gender, I hardly know-her."
Ze smiled at zir own dumb joke, vertical pupils wide.
"How can I help? Your letter was vague and I had the day to myself."
Vicktor sat on a nearby leather stool.
"I've been thinking about gender, you know? I know the basics, but I need to talk to someone about how I feel."
Quinn sat on the ground cross-legged, tail swishing slowly as ze cocked zir head. A paw gestured.
"Talk away."
A landslide of words and emotions cascaded out of Vicktor, giving the room a feeling of pressure, like it was surrounding him like invisible sand.
"It feels like my body isn't quite mine. It feels separate, detached even from my mind. It's strange, being able to look at my body and know it's me but not quite recognizing myself."
Vicktor paused to breathe, taking time to hold the breath in his chest then exhale slowly.
"I don't really know what I would choose. Some days I look into a mirror and wonder if I should, I know it's mostly reversible, it's just that I like this male, masculine body more than twice a week. Twice a week I want some sort of feminine body. The rest of the week I feel like my ideal body is constantly shifting between body types, dimensions and mental states. Strong with a huge chest but a small frame, small, and dainty with a flat chest, almost all configurations including height changes will come to me in a week. It's almost maddening..."
He paused breathing slowly again.
"Like now, I want to be perceived as feminine, but my body or something wants me to be masculine, strong and in control. It's really fucking frustrating. It gets in my dreams, I feel it worst then, the difference between how I see myself and how I want to be perceived"
He paused, breathing deeply, looking tiredly at the catkin. Zir eyes, soft and warm.
"That is similar to how I feel, except I have no desire for true masculinity, I only find myself feeling masculine when I realize that I am simply trying to shy away from femininity and overextend."
Ze placed a hand on his knee, and looked into his eyes.
"Forgive me if I am overstepping, but is it the urge to switch between forms that is appealing? The urge to be several different things at once?"
Ze paused then added something that struck Vicktor to their core.
"A juxtaposition?"
'Juxtaposition'
The word struck him like a rotary hammer, the afterimage striking Vicktor like a dozen blows to the soul.
'The two are connected'
The symbol of J grew warm upon him, the usual cool metal felt almost comforting, as comforting as the idea of being a Chosen of a chaos god could ever be.
The symbol did not cool over time, it simply remained a slightly warm reminder of a weight around Vicktor's neck.
"I guess I spoke more truth than I had thought, for what an odd thought it was."
Quinn kept a hand on his knee, continuing in that soft sweet alto.
"I can't see inside your head, but I think you are trans, beyond the binary. You will have to discover what word or words fit best. Perhaps nothing will happen, life is anything but simple."
Quinn stood and gave Vicktor's shoulder a squeeze before departing towards a section of bookcase, grabbing a small volume off a lower shelf and a slightly larger volume from an upper shelf. Finally Ze went to another part of the library and pulled out a large textbook.
"Here."
The three books had simple plain covers:
-A Non-binary Approach To Gendered Society
-Naming the Unnameable, Beyond the Binary Spectrum
-Words of Power For Material Guides
"Read these three in your own time, the first two will help with your identity and the third might help you control your magic even better."
"Thank you!" Vicktor's eyes clouded with tears.
"You're welcome, it won't be immediate and you should read those several times over."
"I will."
"I'm still going to use He and Him to reference you, take your time. Now, you have to repay me, my non-binary friend."
"Huh?" His cheeks were still red and eyes still swollen with tears.
"You rudely interrupted my planned shopping trip to a particular store. Come with me, it'll cheer you up. Leave those books for later. We'll come back with some new goodies."
"Alright, I guess... I trust you" Vicktor wiped away the tears and stood.
"But first lunch! We don't want to browse on an empty stomach!"
The two departed, the tomes left on the leather stool
They got a quick lunch at a small shop near zir apartment. The smell of browned onion and roasted garlic did little to affect them as they devoured flavorful sandwiches and washed it down with some seasonal applesauce and warm tea.
The meal was delicious and they thanked the two young Aviankin couple running the place. A small clutch of eggs rested in a corner near a fireplace.
'oh cute, a family, I wonder if Alar knows these two?'
The departed in an unfamiliar direction, it was towards the craftsman district but not along the primary or secondary streets.
They walked a bit more before finally coming to the building. A simple brick building with blacked out windows. A small square sign on the metal door was the only clue of what the establishment contained.
PECULIARITIES AND PLAYTHINGS
18+ TOY SHOP
Vicktor smiled, Quinn had been correct.
'This'll be fun'