Cameron To Candy

Greg’s laughter came out all at once. He bent over, pointed at Candy, then half turned toward Marcus and wheezed, “Marcus. Marcus! Cam’s got titties!”

Candy just stared at him, slack-jawed.

So did Marcus for a moment, then rallied back. “Greg.”

Candy’s face went hot. “What the hell?”

Greg was still laughing.

Marcus stepped forward. “Come on, man. Stop.”

Candy folded her arms. “What is wrong with you?”

Greg straightened up, still trying to get his breath back, and put both hands up. “Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.”

“You better be,” Candy snapped.

“No, listen,” he stammered. “I’m not laughing at you. I mean, I am, but I’m not.”

She gave him a look.

“I’m not,” he said again, trying to settle himself. “I just… give me a second here. I thought Cam, uh, you, were dead. Or gone, forever. Or something bad happened and I… Then I find out he’s here, and it’s you, and I just…” He shook his head. “I don’t know,”

Marcus exhaled and stepped back a little.

Greg looked at Candy again, repressing the smile. “My bad, Bud.”

That took some of the edge off her.

She still looked mad, but not like she was about to throw something at him. “You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah,” Greg agreed. “That's still true.”

Marcus pulled out a chair. “Sit down before this gets worse.”

Greg sat. Candy sat too, still eyeing him. Marcus stayed standing for a moment, then pulled out his own chair and turned it slightly toward them.

Greg looked between the two of them. “All right. Tell me, everything. I mean, I read it but, what the hells. What’s it like?”

“Well, the dresses are itchy and I’m basically Marcus’ property.”

Marcus prickled a bit at that. “Wait, no, no, Candy, that’s… that’s an exaggeration.”

Candy looked at him a moment, then responded. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just making things up. Hey, by the way, did you sign the permission slip so I can go to the square tomorrow for the puppet show with Vivian?”

There was an awkward silence. Marcus looked sheepish and hesitantly tried to answer. "Uh... er, yeah. It's uh, it's on the kitchen table..."

Then Greg once again belted out a laugh, “I’m not laughing at you,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “But you nailed the delivery on that one! … Hey, so, what’s the deal with the spell? Why’d they make you do all this? Why can’t they change you back?!”

Candy let out a tired breath. “You want all of it?”

“Yes!”

She looked at Marcus once, then back at Greg. “Okay.

So they told him. Not every last humiliating detail, they left off as much about the spankings as possible, they avoided anything to do with the blow jobs, and Candy tucked the fact she could go into the women’s bath house away for a rainy day. But they told him enough. About the spell, the reclassification, the fake cousin story. The fake genealogy, the Sergeant and Mrs. Prim, the list of crap Candy had to finish for the ministry, the inspections and all the rest of the menial businesses.

At first, Greg interrupted constantly.

“Wait, they can just do that?”

“Yes,” Candy said flatly.

A few minutes later, he cut in again. “Hang on. They made you take classes?”

Candy looked at him. “Yes, Greg. They make me take classes. The first one was literally about nothing but curtsying.

Marcus rubbed at his temple.

“Curtsey class was mandatory?” Greg tried to confirm, incredulously.

Candy gave him a dead look. “You think I woke up one day and thought, you know what’d really improve my life? Knowing sixteen different kinds of curtsies?”

That got the faintest breath of a laugh out of him, but it died fast. He kept listening. The more they told him, the quieter he got. By the time Candy got to the part about having to live as Marcus’s wife, Greg was just leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. When she finally ran out of things to say, she leaned back and rubbed one hand over her face.

“Well,” she concluded. “That’s pretty much all of it.”

Greg sat with that for a long moment. Then he looked up. “So the mages?”

Candy let out a small, tired laugh. “What about them?”

“They can’t do anything?”

She shook her head. “Not really. They tried some things the first day, but, nothing worked. Now I just have one damn guy working my case.”

Greg frowned. “Why don’t they have a whole team on this?”

Candy looked at him. “That’s a great question,” she spat out, crossing her arms at the memory.

Marcus shifted a little in his chair. “The mage corps says they’re tied up with some all-hands emergency.”

Greg stared. “Bigger than this?”

Candy gave a tired shrug. “Hard to imagine, right?”

Marcus spread his hands slightly. “That’s what they said.”

Greg sat back and thought about that. “Huh.”

Then he looked at Candy again. “What about the Wishing Well in Stiltmere Hollow?”

Candy stared at him. “What am I, five?”

“No, come on,” Greg pressed. “It’s not just some dumb story. There are records. Nine confirmed miracles in the last century.”

She raised a brow. “Nine out of what, ten thousand?”

Greg made a face. “Okay, yeah, the odds aren’t, you know, amazing.”

“They’re terrible.”

“They’re not good,” he pressed. “But still. You don’t have a lot to lose here.”

Candy shook her head. “Fine,” she conceded. “Then next time I’m there, I’ll throw a copper in myself.”

Marcus went a little stiff.

Greg caught it immediately. “What?”

Candy turned too. “Marcus?”

Marcus cleared his throat. “Nothing. I just think throwing a coin into a well is a waste.”

Greg stared at him, then looked at Candy. “He really is a copper fist.”

That got a snort out of her before she could stop it.

Marcus frowned. “I’m practical.”

“You’re cheap,” Candy said.

“I am not.”

Greg waved that off. “All right, forget the well. What about prayer?”

Candy frowned. “What do you mean prayer?”

He looked at her like she was being difficult on purpose. “I mean prayer. To a god.”

She leaned back in her chair. “Gods don’t really answer prayers like that. Especially not for Paddlewickians.”

“You don’t know unless you try.”

“I’m gonna pass.”

Greg frowned. “Did you even try?”

Candy made a face. “I mean, I’ve said a few things in the general direction of the sky. Cursing more than prayers, I guess.”

Greg looked offended. “Cam.”

“What?”

“That doesn’t count.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not doing a formal prayer session, Greg.”

“Fine,” he said. “Then I’ll do it for you.”

Candy stared at him. “You’re gonna pray for me?”

“Yes.”

Marcus looked wary. “Greg.”

“No, I’m serious,” Greg said. “Which temple’s best for this?”

Candy sighed. “I don’t know. Pick one with nice floors.”

Greg ignored that. “Veridicus.”

That made both of them pause.

Candy looked at him. “The god of truth.”

“Yeah,” Greg said. “If he can’t fix it, maybe he can at least tell us what the hell happened. Give the mages something real to work with.”

Candy shook her head a little. “Sure. Good luck with that.”

Greg nodded once like he meant to do it.

Candy let the silence sit for a second, then spread one hand weakly. “Anyway. That’s the long and short of it. Any other questions?”

Greg thought for a moment.

Then he said, very seriously, “Yeah. What’s it like to have boobs?”

Candy stared at him. Marcus just closed his eyes for a second.

Candy said, “It’s annoying, Greg. They hurt my back, and if I look down when I run, I swear they hit me in the face.”

Greg laughed.

She pointed at him. “What’s it like being a dumbass?”

He laughed harder. “Pretty great, honestly.”

She rolled her eyes.

He nodded toward her. “Yeah. That’s Cameron.” Then his face changed.

“…wait.”

Candy narrowed her eyes immediately. “No.”

Greg looked between her and Marcus. “So if you’re married to Marcus, does that mean Marcus has to…”

“We’re not talking about that,” Candy said.

“Oh, come on.”

“Greg.”

“No, I’m just saying, if there’s all those laws, then does he have to—”

“Shut it,” she snapped. “Shut it now!”

Marcus stepped in at once. “Greg, we’re not talking about that.”

Greg leaned back in his chair, suddenly way too interested. “Oh, now I definitely want to know.”

“No,” Candy said.

“Yes. He spanks you, doesn’t he?!” Greg yelled in delight. “He just bends you over and slap your—”

“Oh, you want to talk about arses?” Marcus shot back.

Greg paused. “Huh?”

“Your exact words, first time you saw Candy, were, and I quote, ‘damnnn. That ass.” He leaned on the word damn for effect.

Candy turned slowly toward Greg. “What?”

Greg looked horrified. “No. No, hold on.”

Candy stared at him. “What the hells?”

“I didn’t know!” Greg said quickly. “I didn’t know it was you!”

“Why would you say that anyway?” she shot back.

“I mean, I’m a guy… and uh, you know guy talk!”

Marcus stood up while they were still going at it. He chuckled lightly under his breath as he made his escape from the room.

Candy was still glaring at Greg. “That ass?”

Greg threw up both hands. “I thought you were some random hot wife!”

“Ew!”

Marcus was smiling as he settled back into his office chair. By the time the two of them wound down, most of the sharpness in the room had burned off with the argument.

Later, the evening started to settle. Greg stood by the door, shrugging into his coat. He looked back at Candy.

“Hey.”

She looked up.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Oh, I do not know, how about Cams got tits?”

Greg couldn’t help but laugh, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. “Yeah… yeah. But, still. You could have told me.”

Candy was quiet for a second. Then she looked down at herself, at the dress, the body, the whole mess of it, and gave a tired little shrug.

“Look at me,” her voice weak from exhaustion. “How exactly was I supposed to tell anybody this? I’m a freak. I’m magically entangled. I’m small; weak. It’s humiliating.”

Greg nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay. Fair.” He stepped a little closer. “But you’re not a freak. I mean, maybe you are, but the Cones a strange place. You know what happens everywhere else? In EverGrim, this girl's singing attracts birds, but every shoe she puts on turns to glass and makes her toes bleed. Did you hear about the last whimzy hex hit? No fooling, this guy and his friend, who’s a girl, both got hit, and the damn thing moved his penis onto her! You know what they did to undo it? She had to do him with his own cock, right in the—”

“Okay, yeah, there’s some weird stuff out there!” Candy cried out while throwing her hands up. She sighed. "But not Paddlewick. Magic crap like this isn't supposed to happen."

"Yeah, right, the warding. But it still does. Come on. The Whanderwack? A paddle man that ran around paddling everyone with paddles it stole from the paddlemakers guild? Or the purple tree that grew at the south gate and argues with Seagent Hardtok? And I hear an oral devotion training dummy up and walked out of its classroom down in Petalik. Those aren't normal! And who knows how much stuff the Ministry of Waward Magic has stored away in the Spire. Point is, shyte happens here too." Greg furrowed his brow, looking more serious now. “Well, anyway, now I know.” Candy looked at him carefully. “And I’m gonna help,” he said. “Whatever I can do.”

She tilted her head. “How?”

He shrugged. “I dunno know yet. But I’ll figure something out.”

Then he added, a little lighter, “I’ve actually been thinking about transferring into Paddlewick Prime anyway. I’m in and out of here enough as it is.”

Candy looked up at that. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

She nodded. “I’d, I mean, yeah. That’d be good.”

There was a small pause after that. Then Greg stepped forward and hugged her. Not carefully or awkwardly. Not like a man trying to figure out how to touch a woman without it being weird. Just a hug. A real one. The kind they’d had before, solid and easy.

Candy froze for half a second. Then she hugged him back. For one brief moment, it felt normal. It wasn’t hugging a female friend and not knowing how to be. It wasn’t hugging Marcus, who was still her friend but now also her warden. Nor was it a man hugging a woman. Not any of the twisted things Paddlewick had made out of her life.

This was just two old friends. Greg let go after a second and gave her one quick pat on the back.

“Sorry,” he said, a little rougher now. “Didn’t mean to get all emotional on you. I just… thought you were dead for a while there.”

Candy swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.”

He stepped back and raised his voice toward the other room. “Hey, Marcus. I’m heading out.”

Marcus called back, “All right.”

Greg looked at Candy one last time, already halfway turned toward the door.

Then he said, with a crooked little grin, “Well, I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you’ve got chores to do and feelings to write about in your journal. Probably about big, strong Marcus making you-”

“Shut it!”

Greg laughed as he moved out. “Later, Bud. I’ll be seeing you.” And with that, he was gone. A few seconds later she heard him whistling down the property and out into the lane.

That night Candy slept better than she had in weeks. Sure, nothing had been fixed. The spell was still there. The marriage too. Paddlewick was still Paddlewick, and Marcus would be up all night writing to the ministry to inform them of the situation. But now that Greg knew, for the first time in a while she had one piece of her old life back that wasn’t fake.

She had her oldest friend again.