8. Exhaustion
Embarrassing.
I thought I was over the phase where I had to be carried.
Unfortunately, I was not.
Roxy kept her word and canceled the night lessons that day, for several days actually, but in the end that only left me wondering what to do. It was maddening. I had so much free time, and very little knowhow to work it. Still though... no one really comes to my room anyway, so it was only temporary.
Only a sneak away, and I can cast off this Melancholy.
“Dear!”
As well as other things...
In the middle of the night, like clockwork, a certain feminine scream echoes cross the walls.
"...you'd think they tire of doing this every day..."
But nooo... of course not, because why would you. I don't mind your silent-oh wait yes I do, because it's not silent!
Anyway... I finally have a moment to myself. Like clockwork they go at it, like clockwork they'll go for an hour, and like clockwork I'll be back in the same amount of time.
Thank goodness for little conveniences.
Now...
“Trace on," springing from the bed; I jump to the window sill, already prepared wearing clothes ready to go out it. “Always forward, just a step. Then another. It doesn’t matter where you go, so long as you don’t stop,” I repeat an idiom from my former life, if a little modified. "There's only a few hours ‘till daytime so I can probably still work something in."
///
...
...now to work it out...
“...rrrmmmn…” I groan.
My muscles... a little tense... my eyes a little-no, ALOT, heavy.
Feels like my body is a sack of bricks.
Everything feels useless, so heavy. Sooo... frustrating. Even my eyes feel heavy.
I pushed myself a bit harder than usual I guess.
The strain on my body gets removed through healing magic, but only temporarily. It also feels like that euphoric feeling that usually comes with it is starting to fade.
Perhaps this is mana fatigue?
Whatever... I’ll deal with it when it comes.
So… heavy… can’t move, no… don’t want to move.
So slothful.
What was I doing again?
Oh, that’s right, I passed out.
“Where am I?” Looking around to figure out my surroundings, I see-
"Shit."
I slept outside. I could probably still make it inside, and make it look like I got up early for morning practice, but it looks like it’s going to be a long day today.
I get up, start to head towards my house but… I really don’t.
...
What do I want?
I want, I want, want to…
///
“Get up you lazy bum. How long are you going to keep laying on that bed? We’re turning off the internet connection, if you don’t start making an effort. Here,” I was thrown a pair of shoes. “A pair of running shoes now, go run around the park, and don’t come back if that shirt isn’t even a little bit dirty,” before consequently being thrown out that door, and told to do something with myself.
///
...
Right... I remember.
It’s been a while, but I was quite slothful once.
Recomposing myself, I ignore the dullness going through me, stand up, and make for home.
On that day, my final day, I didn’t leave the house of my own free will. I was pushed out. It was what I needed. But as usual I messed it up.
On that day I ran and ran until my heart was pumping hard enough for me to hear it, that’s what I was used to. Back when I was active, that’s how I always trained. Like a man possessed, I chased my own shadow, and… caught a heart attack instead.
It’s a little embarrassing thinking back on it. Thinking that I could get anywhere with one day of training. But in my defense... I wasn't thinking. The blood wasn’t going to my head, my breathing was hard and ragged, my eyes were blurry, my feet hurt, and weirdly enough they were even... cold? If that makes any sense. I think I might have lost some blood flow to my feet.
That should have been my first clue, but I was...
An utter mess.
I’m not like I was back then. My body can still move. My blood is still flowing.
Let’s throw myself into the fray and-
///
...
“Ow…”
“Haha, Rudy what’s going on? You’ll never beat your old man like this. If you can’t beat Lilia- Ah, not that there's any shame in that,” he corrected himself upon Lilia’s gaze.
Damn couldn’t get a single win today. That hasn’t happened in a while.
Yeah, no other way to say it, Lilia’s been kicking my ass.
It's been a while, but Lilia has gotten into the mix of things. After repeated beatdowns at the hand's of Paul I was able to convince him, with the help of Zenith, to invite Lilia in and help me out. Being already being familiar with Lilia’s way of things, and the fact that Paul and Lilia have trained together once before, she works well as both a translator, as well as an instructor. She also hits gentler.
“Ouch.”
Mostly.
My arms hurt.
I’ve gotten significantly better. Paul hits me less, and I've hitted him once or twice, but lately I've been... missing. Thus the retraining, thus Lilia. Sadly, I can't seem to hit her either.
“That’s enough master Rudeus,” she intoned.
“W-wait, I can still-”
“No you can’t. It’s already noon, and your magic lessons are about to begin. Wrap up and wash up, time to go,” Lilia sends me on my way.
She is unfortunately right… guess there’s nothing you can do, time to go.
///
“Is it apparent now master Paul?”
“...yeah, he’s getting weaker, don’t know how-”
“He’s running himself ragged, sir.”
“...yeah…”
“I’ll speak with lady Zenith, and advise her to halt the healing.”
“Thank you very much,” Paul bowed, holding his hands in prayer towards her.
Such conversation was not heard by Rudeus unfortunately.
///
...
Roxy sensei is treating me oddly today, or spoiling me to be exact. We had a short, 'really,' short lesson, and she’s been taking me around the village today.
With my lessons taking place in the afternoon, and the villagers being mostly active during the morning, my contact with them is minimal. Excluding Paul’s thot patrol that, ‘coincidentally,’ make appearances every time he trains… shirtless that is, I've mostly seen nobody.
Thirsty hoes~
As such, the few times I’ve visited the village it’s been quite barren. A few adults here and there, a few children playing along, not that I talk to them that much, not including hellos, but I’ve probably spent less than five minutes worth of conversation with anyone outside the household.
I’ve been invited to play a couple times by the kids I’ve run into, even gave it a go once, but… the less said about it the better.
Sensei steps into the middle of a field, and starts waving around her staff.
Hoh~ she didn’t make a chant, it seems we’re both learning.
Rain starts to fall on the wheat fields much to the villagers' delight.
“Ah, thank you Roxy.” “Thank you young miss.” “Always thankful.” “So young, and talented…” etc. etc.
She is lavished with several praises as she makes her way down the fields. Buena’s village’s own resident Idol.
How nice~ Want me to set up your fanclub?
I wonder… I guess I could give it a go.
The magic, not the club.
I separate myself from Roxy and try to get a feel of what she just did, “Eh, R-Rudy? Rudy! I told you to-”
“HA-” I cast, making a short burst of rain.
No good. Without an incantation, and only doing it once, I skipped too many steps. Not bad for a first time, but not good either.
Oh well.
“Sorry sensei, I…”
_ _ _
Eh… I’m feeling light headed… and why is the world…
“Oh.”
“Rudy!” I see sensei running across the field... sideways.
Ah, I’m falling…
I fell to the ground. Trying to pick myself up, I fell again, small splotches of blood forming below me.
Another nose bleed.
“Rudy! Are you alright, oh… don’t worry… and… home…” It’s no good, I’m losing concentration.
Ah, this feeling… this is like-
///
...
Waking up not knowing where you are is starting to get annoying.
Feeling groggy, heavy, hot, and slightly disoriented, along with a small itch over my skin, I start looking around the room.
I’m in my bed.
Taking a look out the window, I see the sun has already set.
Looks like several hours have passed...
It’s nighttime now, and it is quiet and cool, except for my head which is warmed by a wet towel, and my body with warm blankets, the rest of me is, heavy.
Here I am again… All roads lead to Rome I suppose.
As I lay on my bed, I reflect on today, on my life… and my other life. I’m practically forced to. It feels almost prophetic, how I was reminiscing about crashing, so to speak, and here I am; a total wreck…
Seriously… just… seriously… is this... fate?
What have I been doing? I don’t know.
Why am I working so hard? I don’t know.
…no I do.
I always knew the answer, but like everything, I ran from it.
I’ve been running for so long. So, very very long.
I have been doing my best. I have been doing everything I could. I have been working hard, and yet, yet…
Here I am.
Moving forward, always moving. Constantly improving, taking on the next task, again, and again. Always moving, but this…
“Sigh…” an exasperated sigh escapes my lips.
What am I afraid of?
I’ve been making the same mistakes of the past.
Once upon a time, I knew how high my stamina was. I knew for how long I could perform. I pushed, and pushed until my feet were cold, and my chest was warm. Pushing my body to levels it couldn’t handle. I was… running away. Running away from my present, stuck in the past. Distracting myself with pain. The less I feel, the less I’m reminded of my own flab, the less I see, the more I don’t have to see. The less… me… the better.
I… have never known where I was running too.
Old habits die hard, I suppose.
My life was a lot of things back then, but at the end of the day, it was mine. It was wasted, but it was mine to waste. It was unpredictable. It was real.
This, what is this? Is this even my own?
Madness, lunacy, anger, rage, distraught, confusion… feelings forgotten, but never lost, lay at the back of my throat, scratching their way to the surface, wanting to get out, and just… let loose.
I could scream.
I did scream. Once.
I was 6 months old then, it was futile enough, and my feelings were ignored. I was treated as the six month old I was, my parents and Lilia just thinking of me as another child. I suppose I was.
It seems those feelings never truly went away, just ignored.
I’m stuck in fiction, or maybe I am fiction. God if I know. Oh that’s right, God wants me dead, and he’s also fiction. It’s all so maddening.
Yeah, that’s right, mad. I've been mad for years now, and only now realized it. No, I’ve been going mad. How could I not, my existence, my life, my death… everything about me is questionable.
What, was I supposed to do? Just sit back and quietly accept this? This world is beautiful, but the feeling that it couldn’t be real is always in the back of my head. And if the world isn’t real, then what am I? Did I even existed.
Perhaps these memories are false.
Perhaps these people are false.
What is a guy to do?
Should I pull a Deadpool and break the fourthwall?
Don’t fuck with me! I won’t break the fourth, I’ll break the 5th, do you feel a presence behind you reader/viewer. Do you feel the weight of those shadows, the breathe upon thy neck. My life is my own!
Perhaps my life is just ink on a page, but I feel alive, I am alive… right?!
SuRe~
It really is maddening.
What's there not to be angry about~
“Sigh,” Still, at least I found out about this now. Now I can address it, and move on from it. I need to…
...
Well, I’ll figure it out. Crazy reality or not, I’m fine, fine, just a bit burned out, right?
Right!
If nothing else the exhaustion my body and soul are going through are proof that I am here. If I’m not careful, I really could go mad.
But I’m better now… definitely better… right, yeah.
Oh really then why are you talking to yourself?
“What?”
What?
......
“Gasp!” I sat up with a start, my heartbeat beating, my towel falling, my breath... in pauses. “Okay... enough of that…”
This isn’t good... Me and silence never get along, or rather we get along too well. If left alone with my own demons, I’ll start going mad… madder? And start hacking into myself. I need... a breather.
All this self thought, is just making me think things I don’t want to think about.
Breathe.
"Hahh..."
Breathe in… breathe out... Getting some much needed blood to my head, I calm my quaking heart.
That’s right, the only thing I can be sure of is the sound of my own heartbeat. That is why I pushed myself so. It’s not because, because…
You already know the answer. I am-
“Afraid.”
I say out loud. I need to say it aloud.
Running away from myself is how I got like this in the first place.
“All this talking in my own head will drive me mad, unless I say it. I am… afraid,” at the end of the day that is what it all comes down to. Afraid of death, afraid of my future, afraid of this existence. I am... "...a scared child."
I Hate Myself.
...
Truth be told, I don't think the concept of being fictional is all that scary, it’s the prospect of not having control over your own life that I find truly terrifying. A terrifying prospect when this is my second life at that.
A new life, a new fantasy. But my heart still very weak.
I hate it. I'm mad at it.
It’s almost funny, how I've been in a state of fear for so long, and didn't notice... 'till my heart started beating, but the sound of my own heartbeat wasn’t excitement.
Truly maddening.
Maybe this is why I embraced this fantasy so easily. If it’s a dream it is quite a pleasant one. If it’s reality, then…
“I gotta start talking out loud more otherwise the devils within me will eat me up. I… I just don’t know what to do,” I whispered. “Someone, anyone… please save me,” a tear escapes my own closed eyes. My quiet whimpers going ignored, because of course no one-
Knock. Knock.
Someone is at the door.
“Rudy, I’m coming in…” a low voice echoes behind the door, so low I can barely make it out.
“Eh? Ah, wait a-” the door opens mist my jabbering, giving me little time to compose myself, and so in a rush, I quickly turn myself away, exposing my back, and looking away, hiding my weakness.
It was a reflex. Old habits die hard I suppose. I wipe my tears before checking to see who came behind me.
Creak.
Blue haired peeked.
In came the Loli… Roxy I mean.
“I see you're awake. I brought you some soup,” Roxy says, holding a tray with a steaming bowl of soup, and a cup of water.
“Mmm. Thanks,” I take a sip, then another, then slurp it all up soon after, “it’s delicious.”
“I’m sure Lilia will be happy to hear that. Your mom also made one aswell, but it was...” she makes an uneasy look, looking off to the side she scratches her cheek, “too nutritional, for immediate consumption. Look forward to it later."
“I see.”
...
We stew in silence.
...
“Ahem,” she coughed into her hand. “Rudy… are you alright?”
…well isn’t that the million dollar question.
“I… I am…” the urge to reflexively deny is still there. I want to say I am fine, but I... can’t lie right now.
“I heard you crying."
Ow... you really know when to get me...
“The walls are thin, it’s very easy for sound to travel between them… especially at night,” she twirls a loose strand beside her face, blossoming a little.
“Haha, that’s true…” I paused, before recollecting myself. “No, I’m not… I am… scared. I-"
Stop thinking and start talking.
“Rudy,” she reaches out to me and places her hand on top of my own. It’s small… but warm.
I’ve lived in my own head long enough.
“I had a close death experience once you know,” I start telling my tale.
As much as I would like to unleash my heart out to her, or anyone really, and tell her EVERYTHING. I’ll save that kind of talk for when I’m ready. For now, all I can do is show her but a peek of what I’m feeling, and later… maybe, for now… now I’ll simply open my lips.
I go into the core of things without going into existentialism.
“Please don’t tell my parents.” I made sure to add that little tid-bit, afraid that my little incident would blow up into something big.
I don’t need that kind of drama. I just need some sleep.
“They don’t know anything about it,” I continued. “I-it’s nothing they did or anything like that, I-I was just stupid. I-I made a stupid decision, and paid for it,” all true, just about my old life. “I was weak and I… di-almost died. I hated that feeling. I hated being so… so! I… I never want to experience it ever again. I don’t want to die. Don’t want to be weak, I don’t want to… don’t… don’t… I don’t like this feeling. This emptiness. It scares me.”
Roxy listens to me quietly. Her hands resting on her lap, stock still, and waiting.
“I’m afraid sensei. I can’t stand it, standing still. I won’t. I need to move. I need to get stronger. I need… more. More magic, techniques… something grander, better. I need to be better! Be the strongest in the world. If I'm-”
“Distractions,” her sweet voice cut in. “Rudy you…” she looked at me with a pained look I couldn’t quite understand, before reaching out to me and squeezing my hand.
“Am I truly your master?” she asked.
“Ro-yes, obviously, you are my teacher Roxy.”
“Then listen to me. If there was ever a lesson you needed to learn, let it be this one,” she takes a reprieve, closing her eyes, and breathing in and out, before opening them, now resolute, and with spirit behind those sky blue irises I haven't seen. “Slow down.”
Before I could answer she continued. “You are confusing moving for living. People aren’t like… well you Rudeus. What you are doing. What you are describing. I can’t call that living. It’s fine to have your own goals. To have something to aspire to. To move, and grow. But you are… well, you’re afraid. I can’t call what you’re doing living. That’s just… scrambling. You are,” she pats my head. “You are a little boy running in the dark.”
I wince at that. I don’t quite agree with it, but I can’t exactly deny it either.
“Rudeus, people need to live their life slowly. Especially humans who can’t live past a century. They need to stop and eat. To rest. To find company in others, and comfort. If you just run around, never bothering to look around you. To look at the people around you. To enjoy the soup made for you, or to listen to the advice given to you, then have you truly been living, or have you just been existing right next to me?” She lets her arm down, and off my head. "I would be really sad if the boy next to me didn't even look at me."
“...”
I have no words.
“Rudeus, death can be scary, but life… a life wasted is even scarier. People cry, rage, and despair… but they can also laugh, smile, and love. Rudeus, when was the last time you sat down and played,” she gives me a melancholic smile. "And I don't mean teasing me."
“That…” has been a while.
In both life’s.
“When was the last time you ‘enjoyed’ life?”
“…”
“Rudy, if you were to become the strongest man in the world, what then. No- even if you were to become that strongest, how long would it last until you realize you're not happy?”
“...”
“Rudy, what makes you happy?”
“...I like magic…” I whispered weakly.
“Everyone does. Rudy, it’s okay to slow down. Enjoy life. Rather, as your sensei," she emphasizes the last part. “I'm ordering it! If I am truly your teacher, follow my order.” She straightens her form, sitting proudly.
“Sensei… the strict sensei look doesn’t match your sweet voice…” I jokingly say.
She flinches.
Flick.
She flicks my forehead?!
I-I-Itachi?!
""...""
We both stare into each other irises, searching... then nothing. A small blush blossoms on her, a shocked visage on me.
Pfff.
“Haha, yeah you’re right. How can I deny my cute teacher's advice? Thank you sensei.”
She turns her head away from my laughter, tilting her hat a bit, covering the top half of her face. “Good,” she mumbled.
That’s cute teach.
…I’ll try to tease her less…
“Thanks,” I muttered back.
“...your welcome…”
After that, we both recover ourselves. We were never good at awkward silences, or rather their was always this strange dynamic between us where I would attack those silences with jokes or jabs, and she will fight back with lessons, and plans, it was a tug of war for dominance. Honestly, we were just a couple of antisocial nerds trying their best to talk to each other. We just... never noticed.
Getting back to our senses, Roxy reminds me that the magical classes are still canceled, and to rest properly. Until then, night classes will consist of only reviewing things like geography, and mathematics.
What a slave driver.
After that she explained to me my condition was similar was mana fatigue, but slightly odd. It's not her area of expertise, but from what Zenith told her, she has the idea that multiple uses of healing spells, while pushing mana fatigue, has been pushing back on my own body's ability to absorb mana, and leading to detrimental effects. Apparently a healing spell was used while I was unconscious, and my body didn't take it well.
“I was really doing something dangerous wasn’t I,” I contemplated in the solitude of my own room.
“Yes you were Rudeus.”
…or so I thought.
“Bwah-” a startled sound escapes my mouth. “L-Lilia, when did you get here?"
“I came here moments ago, after Roxy made for bed,” she says courteously, her calm demeanor never betraying her. “You seemed to be lost in thought.”
True, but still! Are you a ninja? Then again, I really am out of it…
“...you have a very wise teacher.”
“Yeah, I do. Lilia, ah… thanks, for the soup.”
“It is my duty master Rudeus, but you’re welcome.”
She walked to the corner of my bed, and picks up the discarded dishes, moving them to the tray. Taking the wet rag of the rack, as well as the bucket by the floor, she gathered it all.
“It seems master Rudeus is feeling better, but both Miss Roxy and your mother have agreed for no more lessons for the time being, and I agree with them.”
“Yeah,” I said demurely.
Can’t really argue against them on this one. I’ve been, well… out of my mind. Ha ha…
“How much did you hear?”
“Enough.”
“I suppose you can’t keep it a secret could you?”
“I am in service of Lady Zenith and Paul, but,” she looked away from me. “However... I am also Rudeus’s maid.”
“Thank you, you’re too good to me.”
“I think it’s mutual,” she comes to my bed and sits, leaning her back to the wall and letting one of her legs stretch, while the other hangs to the side. Pulling her dress to the side, she reveals her calf to me.
“Master Rudeus’s effort has not been in vain. Clumsy as you may be, you still made progress. One step is still a step. Rudeus, I do agree with your mother and teacher, but I won’t deny your effort. You’ve done well, and thank you. But now,” she bends low to look me in the eye. “Rest. You’ll worry others, including I,” she added.
“Lilia, I-”
“Rudy, you’re… very important to this family, to me, it hurts us to see you in pain. Please don’t push yourself that hard again,” she interrupted. Seems to be the trend of the day.
She leaned in close to me and-
Oh, is this the famous love confession scene, where she devotes all her love to her master, kya~ my heart isn’t ready.
She hugs me tightly against her chest.
“I’ll miss you if you were gone,” she whispers in my ear. “Please don’t leave us.”
“Okay…” I say, peeking from within her chest. Her eyes...
They really are a beautiful violet. How did I not notice? There's no way this could be a fantasy. I could never dream up something so beautiful.
“Thank you,” she whispers. She then parts my hair from my forehead and kisses me on it.
…
Badump.
Ah. My heart just skipped a beat.
…
Oh? Oh! Oh…
“Well, that is all. Master Rudeus needs his rest,” she gently pushes me back down into bed, a fresh towel back on my forehead. “Goodnight. Also, congratulations on turning four,” she says, picking up the remains of the soup and tray, and finally exiting the room.
“…”
“My heart is still beating…” Once Lilia’s footsteps quietly faded, I uttered those words.
Oh, oh crap, my heart is beating faster… but it’s not unpleasant. I…
“I think I just fell for her. Well… Shit…”
///
Where one trouble ends, another begins.
Badump.
AN: This chapter went through several Reworks. This is probably the... I honestly lost track of how many times I went over it, but I wanted to convey madness without going into detail, as this is first person, and that is... difficult. And I still had to give Roxy and Lilia their scenes.