The Mad Rat’s Lab

“Greeeeeen Gang!”

“Green Gang!” “...een Gang.” “G-Gre, Gang.”

Tsk. Kids these days… You must spell it to them every single time. Their heads are like a black hole; what goes in doesn’t come back out ever again.

It’s fine if their skulls are thick; they’ll need them when the monsters hit them hard, but that isn’t an excuse to be dumb.

“Come on, what’s wrong with you today? Say it together after me! Greeeeeen… Gang!”

““GREEN GANG!””

“...Better. Huh, huh, huh!”

Everyone makes proper poses after saying our group’s name. The perfect starting ritual for the perfect dungeon invasion.

Today, nothing will stop us! No… Today, nothing CAN stop us, huh, huh, huh!

“Are everyone’s muscles ready? We’re going for some action!”

“I’m ready.”

“Let’s go! I’m always ready to roll!”

“S-sir Orc… You know my muscles aren’t that big, b-but… I’ll do my best!”

“That’s the spirit, Diq!” I pat his shoulder. My hand is as big as his head, and the hit almost makes him fall. “Huh, huh, huh! Don’t let this dungeon intimidate you.”

“That’ll never happen, sir Orc!”

“Good.”

Diq has stayed with me since I first formed Green Gang. He’s the first and only scrawny goblin mage to ever set foot in my group. I’m keeping him around because he’s pretty useful. You can’t rely on him for standard fights, but he shines in his utility.

Today, he has a special and very important role to fulfill. I filled him in before calling the others.

It’s the same for Krut, the taciturn orc. He’s been improving under my tutelage and will soon be ready to explore this dangerous world on his own.

But even with the two, it’s hard to overcome the Evil Mastermind’s plans.

If I can’t crush this damned dungeon as it should be, and bringing honored companions as sacrificial pawns to make them suffer the most dangerous parts and discover the new stuff under the disguise of ‘training’ isn’t enough, there must be something else I can do.

I must recover my lost orc pride and share with the world how to avoid suffering the same fate!

So, thinking hard about it, I came to a realization. There are plenty of players who seem to have no trouble fighting and defeating the Evil Mastermind’s carefully crafted schemes. If they can, why wouldn’t I, a superior player from a superior race, not be able to do it too?

I’ll steal the other players' ideas. I’ll test them, improve them, make them my own, and share them with the rest of the players in my guide!

A perfect, infallible plan, if I say so myself! Huh, huh, huh!

With their knowledge and my strength combined… With my new Warlord Champion, and the help of my orc teammates… With EVERYTHING combined, not even THIS. DAMNED. DUNGEON. can stand in our way! Huh, huh, huh!

My bulging muscles are writhing in excitement. They’re harder than a rock and smoother than polished glass. It’s the sign of today’s VICTORY!

“Come on, let’s go! Welcome to the greatest day of your lives, huh, huh, huh! Greeeeen Gang!”

““GREEN GANG!””

---

What’s this, the… third time? Yes, it’s the third. Today marks the third time I’ve had the honor of participating in ImAnOrc’s Dungeon Invasion, in his private team called Green Gang.

He’s as big, loud, and confident as always. We follow after him as he strides forward, and just that fact makes me feel safe.

I’m sure ImAnOrc will one day be recognized as one of DMA’s best players, as long as he keeps his sanity intact… which he seems to lose more and more of as time goes on. He should stop focusing so much on this dungeon.

But I’m nobody to say it. If anything, it should be Diq and Krut who should convince him, and not me, the latest addition to the team.

“Are we going to use the slide today, sir Orc?”

“No. Nothing good ever comes out of it. We’re taking the long and safe route.”

“Yeah, you’re right! It’s a bad idea. We always end up splitting…”

Is it just me, or does ImAnOrc’s voice sound darker than usual? I don’t know him well enough to tell, and the game doesn’t help, as it limits the Champion's facial expressions.

As we descend the slope, our leader starts to explain today’s plan.

“Dag, Krut. Today, we will try a few new ideas. You won’t have as much time to shine. But believe me when I say we will DESTROY everything on our path, huh, huh, huh!”

ImAnOrc doesn’t like long names. That’s why he calls me, full nickname Gnabadag, as just Dag, and Miuzcogdiq, just Diq.

“I don’t mind it,” Krut answers shortly and quickly, as usual.

“Y-yeah. We can do as you say, uh, um… ImAnOrc…”

“Dag, didn’t I tell you before? Just call me Orc.”

“Okay, I will from now on…”

But… aren’t we all orcs? Except Diq, there are three of us who are using an orc Champion. It feels bad to call him just ‘Orc’.

Could this be why Diq adds the ‘sir’ before his name?

Hmm… Sir Orc.

It does sound better. I’ll do the same from now on. Sir Orc, it is. It adds the relevance and importance he deserves, and doesn’t sound weird as just ‘Orc’.

We reach the end of the slope and enter the first cave. A massive cave, populated mostly by giant mushrooms. Most light comes from another type of mushroom, glowing mushrooms, which, paired with the fantastic ambience and base purple light, makes this cave look like those described in fantasy books.

Every time I come, I can’t stop myself from marveling at the spectacle.

Just a few steps in, the path opens up, and the cave comes into full view. Despite the mushrooms and cliffs, we can see most of the cave from this place.

“We’re here,” sir Orc stops. “This is the first step towards our indisputable victory. Diq, are you ready?”

“Yes, sir Orc!”

Sir Orc strikes his biceps-kissing pose. He laughs and asks Krut and me to hide somewhere nearby. Our support mobs hide at the cave’s entrance, near the slope. Diq hides too, but he does so right next to him.

After finishing his ritual, sir Orc turns his gaze to the cave filled with enemies.

He solemnly raises his fist high up in the air, “Haaaaaaah!” and smashes it into the ground.

*Boooom!*

The ground shakes and, pushed aside by the tremendous force, splits into two. The fissure expands forward until it reaches the closest cliff. Everything in its path, mushrooms and Goblimps alike, is destroyed.

Indestructible terrain isn’t affected by skills, but this doesn’t mean that it isn’t affected by the visual effects of the attack. Once the skill’s effects fade away, the ground will return to normal.

Attracted by the noise and destruction, every monster in this cave turns to look towards Sir Orc at the same time. But, maybe scared this isn’t enough, sir Orc starts shouting while laughing.

“Come, you bastards! Come, if you dare! Come at me with everything you’ve got! Huh, huh, huh! You’re always so eager to shoot your cannons from afar, so do it now! All together! Huh, huh, huh!”

What is he doing? Why is he provoking the Beam Turtles like this?

As expected, from every corner, we see magic circles forming, and soon, an incredible amount of light beams are shot towards a single point: towards Sir Orc.

“Huh, huh, huh! Yeeeees! This is it! Bring it on!”

The caver becomes as bright as day for an instant, but Sir Orc doesn’t look fazed by it. Instead, he puffs out his chest.

“H-he’s going to die…!”

I want to rush out and save him somehow. He’s too respected to die like this. But before I can intervene, Krut grabs my arm, pulling me back into cover.

“No.”

“But if we don’t do anything, he…”

I want to avert my eyes, but I can’t. I watch with a mix of horror and fascination as the light beams approach our leader, when he suddenly ducks, throwing his body into the ground and safely avoiding all the attacks.

He had to wait until the last second so that the turtles that shot later couldn’t aim their shots towards his new position.

Sir Orc stands up, laughing.

“Huh, huh, huh! Yeah… This is it. Bring it on! But you’ll have to aim better next time, huh, huh, huh!”

Is he… Is he baiting their spells so they run out of MP? It sounds reasonable, as long as you’re skilled enough to avoid their barrages.

This time, even those Beam Turtles that couldn’t shoot the first time join the firing. For the second time, the cavern becomes bright as if the sun had risen.

Sir Orc watches the monsters do their thing, then asks Diq beside him.

“Is everything ready?”

“Yes, sir Orc. I’m ready!”

“Perfect then.” After this short exchange, Sir Orc opens his arms wide, welcoming the light beams, and shouts once more. “You like to shoot light cannons at the enemies who come, right? Let’s see how you like to have a shot of your own medicine! Huh, huh, huh!”

In front of sir Orc, a magical field appears, conjured by Diq.

Every time a light beam touches that field, it is reflected towards its origin. The turtles, attacked by their own spells, can’t react in time and suffer the consequences.

Something unexpected happens next. The monster’s AIs aren’t smart enough to detect the problem, so they keep firing again and again, until they run out of MP. They keep shooting, and the light beams keep landing on Diq’s barrier, which sends them back where they came from.

In the midst of this light show, Krut suddenly pulls me back.

“Huh? What are you—” Right then, I become blinded by light. “W-what the!? Why did that attack come our way!?”

Silently, Krut points to the far distance. There, I understand what’s happening. Some of the beams, after hitting the turtles, get reflected once more in random directions!

“Shit! This can’t be stopped now…!”

The caves turn into a light show. Bright white laser beams, the width of a person, move randomly in every direction imaginable.

The light starts at the turtles and goes towards Sir Orc as if affected by a focusing lens. Then it flies back, towards the origin. But not all of them hit their users and are instead reflected once more. The light then moves in a straight line, leaving only smoke in its path, until it hits a wall or another turtle.

A bit like pinball, except they’re lasers.

“Ah, another one!”

I dodge just in time, avoiding another laser. This time, it completely obliterates our cover, forcing Krut and me into the open. A few turtles, having noticed our presence, aim their next shot at us.

“Krut, we must find cover! We can’t survive like this!”

Krut points towards the single safe spot in this chaotic place. “...Behind Diq!”

We run, assaulted by light beams from every side except the back. Thank god there’s nothing behind us that can reflect the attacks. We somehow make it and wait, hidden behind the reflective barrier, for the storm to pass.

“We. Are. UNSTOPPABLE! Huh, huh, huh!”

Still in the same pose, Sir Orc keeps laughing as the turtles slowly kill themselves.

Even so, as expected of turtles, and true to their reputation in video games, they are very defensive and survive their own attacks. They do run out of MP, though. Unable to use their strongest skill, they are now easy to deal with.

Diq’s barrier dissipates, and Sir Orc turns towards us.

He grins from ear to ear, “It’s time to enjoy some hand-to-hand combat, dear comrades. Finally, no more tricks. No more gimmicks or unreasonable enemies. Just us, and a few large monsters we can fight. Huh, huh, huh!”

Right then, a nearby turtle approaches us.

They generally avoid going into melee, but don’t refuse it if you get close. Still, having run out of MP, that’s the only option left for them to deal with us.

“Waaaaaa! Dieeeee! Die for all the frustration you’ve ever inflicted upon my comrades and me!”

Sir Orc charges at the turtle. The turtle charges at him in turn, albeit slower.

The two clash in the middle with a loud bang, almost like an explosion. What’s weird is that sir Orc doesn’t use his axe. Instead, he smashes his forehead onto the turtle’s own.

With their size difference, it’s clear who should win this clash. The turtle is four times sir Orc’s size, after all. But, applying pure game sense, sir Orc wins the clash instead, sending the turtle flying a short distance with pure brute force.

What kind of skill did he—

“Is that all you’ve got now that you’ve run out of juice? Pathetic! Weakling!”