Master of Minds, Master of Me

I’m just spinning around in our secret garden. I’m so nervous. It’s been a couple of days since Jane healed the King, and she and Master Loneflare are coming to visit today to see if they can do something about my curse. I was so stunned when Felix told me about Jane’s light magic. It really is too good to be true that we can break my curse without actually figuring out who cast it in the first place.

“You are going to end up on bed rest soon if you don’t stop spinning around like that.”

I turn around and see Felix approaching with a smile.

“Felix! How’s your father?”

“Good. He is back at the Palace now. It takes a while to build up his strength after all that bed rest. But he will be fine. Even Frey said that he is perfectly healthy now.”

I hug him.

“I’m so happy for you. How did he react to your illusion mana?”

“He was confused, clearly struggling to believe that I could wield three different affinities. But he will get used to it.”

“What about Jane? Is her secret now out in the open?”

“Well, my father definitely knows. He wants to hold a huge banquet in order to thank her. I can already imagine Theodore’s face when they receive the invitation for that.”

I can’t help but giggle at the thought. “He is probably going to burn the invitation.”

“Definitely. So are you ready to go?”

I gulp. “No, but I will never be ready. I’m too nervous. So let’s just go and deal with it.”

He grabs my hand, and we walk toward the Palace.

“Nervous that you might finally be free to live happily with me?” he teases.

“Of course not, you jerk. I’m nervous that she can’t break it.”

“If she can’t, then we just find out who cast it.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“I’m just hopeful.”

We enter the drawing room, and I keep walking in circles.

“Lo, relax. Come sit down.”

I force myself to sit on the couch, and at that moment, the door bursts open.

“Theodore! Learn to knock, for fuck’s sake!” Jane’s annoyed voice fills the air as both of them come inside. “Sorry, he is a hopeless asshole,” she apologizes.

“I’m way too used to that. But I have to say, Theodore, I really don’t understand why you lash out at me when I burst into your office without knocking one time, when you do that to me all the time,” Felix says while pretending to be hurt.

“Cut the crap, Felix.”

Jane approaches me with a smile. “I have to say, I’m rather excited to test my talents. I have been practicing a lot for breaking curses.”

“How have you been practicing that?” I ask, a little confused.

I thought curses were rare.

“Theodore has been putting different curses on David, and I have tried to break them.”

David? If I remember correctly, he was Master Loneflare’s assistant. I knew he was powerful and scary, but I didn’t know he knew how to cast curses like that. I would think that the more I get to know him, my fear would lessen. But I think he just proves to be even scarier as time passes by.

Felix bursts into laughter. “Poor David. I can just imagine how happy he has been being cursed over and over again.”

“It’s his fault for squeaking in my ear every single day, clearly begging me to make him my lab rat.'' He turns to face me. ''I will check on you first before Jane does.”

I nod in agreement, and Master Loneflare suddenly sits next to me. I startle at his scary presence. He really is huge. And scary.

“Turn your back to me.”

I do as he says, and then I feel his hand on my back. Something definitely goes inside my body, something dark and sinister. It makes my body shiver.

“So, Theo? Can you sense something?” Jane asks.

“Yes. There is definitely something stuck to her soul.”

“Can you feel what affinity it has?” Felix asks next.

“Yes.”

His hand disappears, and I turn to look at him. He is just staring at Jane.

“It’s the same as yours.”

Jane looks visibly shocked. “Mine? You mean light mana?”

He nods.

We all turn to look at her. She lifts her hands up.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that. I didn’t curse you! I wasn’t even here!”

“I’m not blaming you,” Master Loneflare says. “I’m just saying that it is definitely light magic inside her.”

“So do you think there is someone else possessing light magic?” Felix voices out.

Before Master Loneflare answers, Jane approaches, pushing him away.

“Okay, my turn. I want to try it too.”

Soon after, I feel her hands on me. Her touch is so soft and gentle. I feel her magic entering me, and it feels so freaking good, so warm and bright. Like the total opposite of Master Loneflare’s magic.

“Yeah, I totally sense it too. Definitely light magic. And it’s huge. Clearly way more powerful than any curse I have broken on David. Actually, this doesn’t feel like a curse at all.”

“I agree. It is something different,” Master Loneflare agrees.

“Then what is it?”

Jane keeps quiet for a while. I still feel her magic traveling inside me.

“I don’t know. I have never felt anything like this. Every curse feels hostile, like it’s obvious that it’s there to cause harm. This feels warm and friendly, like it’s there to help you, not to harm you.”

“Clearly it’s there to harm her if it makes Lo live her life over and over again,” Felix points out.

I fall silent for a while. If it’s light magic and stuck in my soul, could it be…

“Maybe the thing you are sensing is my blessing,” I voice my thoughts.

“A blessing?” Jane echoes.

“When I was born, I was blessed by the God of Creation.”

“Well, it could definitely be just that. Since light magic comes from God, and it is super stuck in your soul. It really is there to stay. So it would make sense that God can do something that powerful. But there really aren’t any curses in your body.”

“Okay, if that’s the blessing and there is no curse, what makes me live in this loop?”

They all fall silent for a while, clearly thinking.

Jane speaks first. “What is the blessing?”

“Eternal happiness.”

“Okay. So before you died, were you happy?”

“No. Of course not.”

Jane shrugs her shoulders. “Doesn’t that explain it then? You couldn’t die because you weren’t happy.”

I just stare at her. Is she trying to say my blessing is my curse?

“It makes no sense,” I say.

“Why not? I mean, I’m still not the most knowledgeable about this world. But when Theodore told me that I wield light magic, I read every possible book concerning light magic and religion, wanting to learn more about it. Which means I read a lot about blessings too. Blessings are absolute. If God blesses something, that is bound to happen. There is no escaping that. So if you died without happiness, that would mean the blessing didn’t come true. Which probably made your soul return back in time. And it will return as many times as it needs until you someday have that happiness, and the blessing comes true.”

I keep staring at her. I mean, I guess her words make sense. God is the most powerful being after all, so it would be weird if her blessing didn’t come true.

“But what makes Lo wake up on her 18th birthday every time? If she was blessed at birth, shouldn’t her soul go all the way back there?” Felix asks.

“I don’t know. What happened on your 18th birthday? I mean, the first time?”

I look back at Jane. “I don’t know. I don’t remember. I have lost some of my memories while reliving this loop so many times.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that. Do you want me to try to fix that?”

“You can do that?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried. But some books say that light magic was able to cure amnesia.”

I look at Felix, not knowing what to do. He just gives me a reassuring smile. I face Jane again.

“Okay.”

She places her hand on my head, and that warm feeling of her magic returns.

“Jesus Christ, your brain is all messed up. How many times have you lived to get this so tangled?”

“This is my 30th loop.”

“30th? So you have died like 29 times?”

“Yes.”

“Jesus. I thought I had it rough, but I guess not. But you know what they say, 30th time's the charm, right?”

‘’What?’’

‘’Oh, sorry. We had an expression that the third time’s the charm when trying to succeed in something, so I just thought it was fitting. You know, third, thirteenth… Like same same but different?’’

We all just look at her, rather confused.

‘’Okay, just forget I said everything. It's not funny when explained.’’ She takes her hand away. “This is probably going to take a while since I’m not that talented yet. Could you rest your head on my lap? It’s easier for me that way.”

“O–Okay.”

I lie on the couch and spot Felix and Master Loneflare, both looking rather displeased.

“Stop staring like jealous creeps! I swear, if you don’t stop, I will most definitely kiss her!” Jane snaps.

My cheeks flush. The room turns rather hot all of a sudden, but both of them go sit down and stay silent.

“Are all the men here so jealous? Or is our taste in men just so bad?” She continues.

I look up at her while her hands are on my head. She really is rather straightforward with her words, but her boldness makes me relax a little.

“I like to think that they just know what treasure they have found, fearing someone else might want it too,” I say with a smile.

She smiles too. “I like the way you think. So tell me, while I try to sort your memories, how have you usually died?”

“At first, I usually died during the Civil War that Felix caused by destroying the Palace. When all the hospitals were full of wounded people, temples tried their best to help too. Many people ran away from the war, but we stayed, trying our best to help.”

“That’s pretty brave. I would have totally bailed out. And after that?”

“I once tried to flee too when dying over and over again became too painful. I went to another country, hoping that I would be able to escape dying that way. I did live longer then. A couple of months or so. But my carriage fell off a cliff, and I died. I realized that I couldn’t escape my destiny. So I kept staying in Barham after that. At some point, I grew tired of being afraid of death, not knowing what would end my life. How painful it would be. So I started to kill myself, jumping off the bell tower.”

“That’s horrible. No wonder your brain is all tangled up. It probably couldn't handle all the trauma. But I don’t think the blessing is the reason you died. Of course, living in a war zone has a high risk of losing your life, so it makes sense that you died during the war. Solely the fact that you lived longer while being in another country serves as proof that your death is not a fixed fact. So your carriage falling was probably just bad luck.”

“So do you think that if I hadn’t started jumping from the bell tower, I might have lived longer sometimes?”

“Yes.”

I fall silent. Have I really caused my own death without a good reason? But even if that’s the case, I won’t regret it. Without doing that, I would have never reached the loop when I forgot to deliver that letter and meet Felix.

“Okay. I think it’s all good. I will soon withdraw my magic, meaning that the memories should come back to you. Close your eyes and take your time. Are you ready?”

I close my eyes and nod. I’m honestly a little scared of what I’m going to remember, but also excited that I can have my childhood back.

Her hand disappears from my head, and my brain feels like a tornado. Different scenes flicker and pass by. Some tiny moments from my childhood or from my earlier loops. There is so much… everything. It’s hard to grasp anything that flies by. When the storm slowly settles, I sit up and open my eyes.

Felix has appeared next to me and takes my hands.

“You okay, Lo?”

I furrow my brows and nod. I focus on my memories and think about my grandmother. And I do remember her clearly. All our time playing the piano, and how she taught me to play. I remember when Belia was born. I remember all our adventures in the forest. I remember our father scolding us every time we got ourselves into trouble.

I feel Felix’s hand wiping my tears. I didn’t even realize I had started to cry. But this time it’s from happiness.

“So you remember?”

I nod again, staring into his eyes. And then I also remember the time I first saw him at the Grand Temple. Oh God, my mother really was telling the truth. I did stalk him. I did become obsessed with him after that. I remember cutting the newspaper to get his pictures.

“Lo? Why the embarrassment?”

“I can’t handle this. My mother was right.”

“Right about what?”

I don’t answer; I’m too embarrassed.

“Wait? You mean about the fact that you were obsessed with me as a kid? You remember that?”

I just nod. I feel my cheeks burn.

“I so knew you were born as a stalker.” He grins.

I can’t even deny that. Not anymore. But all my memories are happy ones before my endless misery started. I was happy, just like the blessing wanted. So what went wrong?

Jane asks behind me, “So, can you remember your 18th birthday? What happened then?”

I focus on the memories, thinking about the first time.

I remember being super excited. I loved birthdays, I mean, who doesn’t? I remember all my birthday gifts, the ones I later refused to even open.

Then it hits me.

Oh God. I’m so embarrassed, I can’t handle this either. I cover my face with my hands.

“Lo? What is it? Did you remember something?”

I just nod.

“What is it?”

“I don’t want to say. It’s too embarrassing. Let’s just say that after that, I wasn’t happy anymore. So I guess that explains why I always woke up that day. That’s the day when I started to be unhappy.”

“So it really was the blessing?” Jane voices out, sounding oddly happy. “Hell yeah! I’m so smart sometimes. High five!”

She raises her hand toward Theodore. He just rolls his eyes at her.

“Come on, Theo! Don’t leave me hanging! You know how this works.”

Then, clearly reluctantly, Theodore raises his hand and slaps hers. I have no idea what those guys are doing. Maybe it’s some habit from her world or something.

Felix grabs my hand.

“I can’t believe that your curse was God’s blessing this whole time. It feels absurd. How can God make something like that happen? Putting you through all that over and over again?”

“I’m not even slightly surprised,” Jane answers. “She is just one huge mistake-making God after all. But I guess it explains why there have been no blessings for almost twenty years. She herself probably realized her mistake and is too scared to grant blessings anymore.”

She is right. There haven’t been any blessings after me. Of course, she rarely blesses humans, but there has never been a twenty-year gap between blessings.

“Is there a way to remove the blessing?” I ask.

“Why would you want to remove it?” Felix asks, shocked.

“Why? Isn’t it obvious? I don’t want to return to being 18 when I die.”

“You won’t if you just live a long, happy life. Knowing that you have that comforts me, since I will most definitely know if I failed to make you happy. And God’s blessings are stuck in the soul. So when you someday finally die while being happy, your soul will be reborn with the blessing still intact. So your future lives are bound to be happy too.”

I furrow my brows. I mean, I see his point, but there is something I still don’t like.

“What if I were reborn somewhere where you are not? I don’t want to be happy without you.”

“I can help with that.”

We both turn to look at Master Loneflare. He has been silent this whole time, so his voice shocks all of us.

“What do you mean?” Felix asks.

“When you told me about the curse and the fact that Jane might vanish from this world, I went back to the Tower and figured out a way to connect our souls. I had done research on it already. I wanted to make sure that Jane’s soul wouldn't go back to her own world. So wherever we end up, our souls will always find each other. So she can never escape me.”

Felix looks pretty stunned, not clearly believing his words. “You can do that?”

“Nothing is impossible for me.”

“Arrogant much?” Jane says.

“I want to do it,” I say.

Felix turns toward me. “You do?”

“Of course I do! I could never be happy without you. I mean, only if you want that too.”

His smile is so wide that it momentarily blinds me.

“Come to my office tomorrow at ten, so I can do it then.”

“Sure, we’ll come,” Felix says.

Master Loneflare gets up. “Lady Mist. Let’s go home.”

“Yeah. Let’s leave the lovebirds be. See you tomorrow!”

I get up with a smile. “Thank you, both of you.”

“No reason to be thankful. We practically didn’t even do anything. Your destiny lies only on Felix’s shoulders. So you better treat her right and make her happy,” Jane says.

“Oh, I definitely will.”

Then they disappear, and Felix yanks me back onto the couch, and in a second, I’m pinned against it.

“So, pretty flower. Time to confess.”

“Confess what?”

“What happened on your 18th birthday?”

My cheeks flush again.

“Nothing that matters. Just let it go.”

His hand creeps to my throat. The bruises are still very sore, so it hurts.

“I wasn’t asking. I was ordering. I think we both know you should obey me.”

I gulp.

“I just saw some news that made me unhappy. No big deal.”

He squeezes a little tighter, making my body throb with need. I swallow my pride and force the words out.

“It was about your engagement with the Princess. I honestly believed my whole childhood that I would marry you. I know it’s pathetic that an 18 year old girl would still live in that kind of delusion. So when the news about your engagement spread, I was devastated. My mother tried to hide the news from me, but my father eventually showed it to me, since he always disliked the idea of me wanting to marry you. He wished to get me to my rightful path by showing I could not marry you.”

His eyes widen as he listens to me. I feel so stupid. I can’t believe that my endless misery started because of something so trivial. Oh God, please let me sink deep underground to hide.

“So you are saying that I caused your endless loops? I caused you to die because of the Civil War, and I caused you to wake up on your birthday because I made you sad?”

I just nod.

He stays quiet for a while before bursting into laughter.

“You really never cease to surprise me, Lo. I partly feel guilty for causing that, but I can’t help but feel pleased too. Without that news, I would never have met you. I promise you, Lo, that news was totally fake. I have never been engaged to a Princess. Though that’s probably obvious since the Selection happened. But if you wanted to marry me, why didn’t you attend the Selection the first time? Do you remember that now?”

“Yes. I was super excited when the letter came. I actually felt hope then. I didn’t request to drop out, but my father did it behind my back. I was so furious with him. But he just kept saying that I should focus on the temple, that the Palace was not my rightful place.”

“So basically, we can blame this all on your father. If he had just let you come, I would have fallen for you already back then. You would have become my Queen, and we would have lived happily ever after without you ever dying.”

“Maybe. Of course, we don’t know if you would have ended up exploding when I couldn’t warn you or Master Loneflare about it. And you can’t be sure if you would have even fallen for me. I would have been an annoying fangirl. I would not have been the blunt girl trying to push you away.”

“Oh, I would have fallen for you. I didn’t fall in love with you because you were cold. It just served as a challenge. I would fall for your button eyes any day. But you are probably right about the explosion part. I hate to admit my weaknesses, so I would have probably hidden my struggle from Theodore until telling him would have been too late.”

“You know that you can let go of my throat already. I already told you the truth.”

He smirks at me. “Oh, I know.”

“So would you let me go?”

“Why would I? I’m just too stunned and happy about how this all turned out. My father getting better and eventually being able to be King properly again. The curse ended up being just God’s blessing. Do you know what all that means?”

“What?”

He squeezes me tighter, leaning closer with a smirk. I clench my thighs together.

“It means that we really made it, pretty flower. You are stuck with me forever. In this life and the next. I always thought that happiness was something out of my reach. It was just a distant dream for me. You are the ending I didn’t know I needed. The ending that is just too good to be true. I promise I will make you happy. I promise that I’ll keep annoying you every single day. I promise to make you squirm and cry out of frustration. I promise to keep marking your body as mine. I promise to give you all of my love. I’ll give you my everything.”

His lips brush against mine, and I part my lips.

“So, pretty flower… are you ready to receive all that?”

I feel tears sliding across my cheek, from pure happiness. It’s still hard to believe that everything that happened is true. That my Devil’s curse never truly existed. That all of this was just because of some stupid blessing.

I let my fingers sink into his black hair.

“I’m not sure if I should be mad at God for causing all of this. Causing all the pain and misery I endured, especially after all my devotion, after all those hours I spent worshipping her. But I’m not. Without all that, I wouldn’t be here. And this is the only place I truly want to be. And being right here, right now, was worth all of that suffering. So if given the choice, I would repeat it all. Well, not all. I would forget sending that letter way sooner.”

I wrap my legs around his body, pulling him closer.

“So I have to say… Your offer really is pretty tempting. But I think it’s missing something.”

“Oh? What a greedy pretty flower. Do tell, what do you wish for?”

“I want you to promise to never, and I mean never, make me suffer celibacy like you did while I was back home.”

He chuckles.

“I can’t promise you that. It all depends on you.”

“On me?”

He chokes me harder, and I gasp.

“If you keep being the obedient pretty flower I know you can be, there is no need to punish you. So will you obey me?”

I nod.

His lips finally press against mine. I feel my heart and soul filling with happiness and love, knowing that this really is the end of everything, but also just the beginning of it all.