Master of Minds, Master of Me

I barely slept. I’m too nervous that I will mess up again today. My mana is still clearly unstable, and I keep having these idiotic mood swings that don’t listen to reason. After we went through our plan regarding me going to the monster campaign later today, I headed to my escape route.

I really need to calm myself down. Since yesterday, my little fight with Theodore clearly helped, I’m going to use swordfighting today as well. I want to be absolutely sure that I’m able to keep myself in check today, because today is important. I can finally make our engagement official and known to the public. I can show off my perfect pretty flower and dance with her. My heart tightens when I think about our dance while I was disguised as a guard.

She is probably busy with all the beauty preparations with the maids anyway, so I couldn’t even see her yet. I can’t wait to see her. I wonder what kind of dress she will wear? I bet she looks absolutely stunning.

Let’s just hope she isn’t too angry with me about yesterday. But she totally deserves to be angry. I will do anything to make up for the pain I caused her, even knowing that I could probably never truly make up for what I did to her. I really am one huge psycho. I know that. She would probably be better off without me. But I’m too obsessed with her to ever let her go. So I just need to step up once again and be a better person. Someone worthy of her.

I spent my time in that same forest that we partly destroyed yesterday with Theodore, calming myself down. When I’m confident enough that I’m going to be okay, I head back toward the Palace. There actually isn’t much time left until the engagement party starts. I go inside my room from the balcony and head toward the shower. The maid has already brought my clothes, so I put them on and do my hair. My heart pounds. I’m so excited. I hope she likes my engagement gift.

Knock knock.

“Coming! I’m ready to go.”

Milna opens the door, looking concerned. I immediately know something is wrong.

“Your Highness! We have been looking for you all day! I’m so glad I finally found you.”

“What’s wrong?”

Please don’t say my fears are coming true and she left me.

“It’s Lady Lorelia. We haven’t managed to get her ready.”

“Where is she?”

“In her room. She has been there all day. She locked herself in and hasn’t let anyone in after breakfast.”

My heart is thumping so loudly in my ears. Does she really hate this engagement party this much? Or does she hate me? After what happened yesterday, it should not be surprising.

“I’ll talk to her, don’t worry. I will get her ready. Is the dress in her room?”

“Yes.”

I turn and exit the room. But I don’t go to her door. I have a feeling she won’t open it, not even for me. So I go to her balcony, hoping to see her through the window. But the curtains are closed.

This really can’t be happening.

Normally, I would use my illusion magic to talk to her. But Theodore placed a barrier on her new room, one that prevents me from reading minds through it. I can lower my own barrier if I want, but this one is designed to work only with her mana. So she is the only one who can lower it. I regret so much not asking Theodore to make it work with my mana too. So my only option is to hope she is willing to talk to me.

I knock on the balcony door. No answer. I try to talk to her through the door.

“Lo? Please talk to me.”

Only silence. I feel like I’m crumbling. But there is no time for that. I only have about half an hour left to get her ready.

“Please, Lo. Just tell me what’s on your mind. Are you mad at me because of what I did yesterday?”

No answer. I lean my forehead against the balcony door.

“I really am sorry. I promise it won’t happen again. You are free to hate me, but give me a chance to make up for it. I’ll do anything.”

I feel tears rising. I don’t even remember the last time I cried. Probably when my mother died. My voice turns shaky, desperate.

“I’m sorry. Please just give me a chance. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just—”

“I’m not mad at you.” Her voice is quiet, barely audible.

But her words ease my pain a little.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I was worried about you, not afraid or mad at you. It was my fault to begin with.”

“It was not! It was my fault for letting my negative thoughts rise. It isn’t your fault. Nothing is your fault.”

“Yes, it is. You can’t make me think otherwise. I only cause you pain, nothing more.”

“What? No, you don’t! Lo, you are the sole reason I feel happy here. Without you, there is nothing.”

“Without me, you would be happy with someone else. If I hadn’t forgotten to send that letter in time about dropping out, you would have never met me. You would have picked a more suitable Queen. Someone who would make you happy. Someone who would not cause you pain and misery.”

“If you hadn’t come, I would have never been this happy with someone else. I love you, no one else.”

She doesn’t answer.

“Please, Lo. Just let me in and let’s get ready for the engagement party.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Lo, please. I beg you. Please come. We can sort this out after the party, okay?”

“I’m sorry. But I’m not going.”

She really isn’t coming. Isn’t there anything I could do to persuade her? Or would I just mess things up more if I keep pushing her?

“Okay. I won’t force you to come. But please talk to me when I get back.”

Nothing but silence again.

I exit the balcony and go inside the Palace. I go to one of the rooms I prepared for her as an engagement gift. I go to stand next to the piano which I so badly wanted her to see. I imagined that we could have sneaked away from the party so I could show her this before I have to leave for the monster campaign.

I stare at the white piano. Its sides are painted with beautiful flowers all over. Golden details are running along them. The same golden detailing forms a string that reads Pretty Flower on it.

I imagined us spending our time here. She would play, and I would admire her. Maybe I would even bring a desk here, so I could work while watching and listening to her. Is that never going to happen? Will I manage to convince her to still be with me, even though she doesn’t want to come to the party with me? I have to. Because I’m not living without her.

I create an illusion for myself where she sits at the piano, playing it. Her sweet notes fill the air while she smiles, looking so happy and free. I just stand there and watch her while my heart bleeds.

Knock knock.

“Your Highness? Are you here?”

“Yes.”

One of the maids comes in with a smile.

“Your Highness, Lady Lorelia. Everyone is waiting for you.”

I stand up and make my illusion version of her do the same. I don’t smile. But luckily, I can make the illusion version of me do that for me.

I walk behind, watching us follow the maid toward the ballroom. I make us cling to each other, smiling happily. Just like I imagined we would have done. But we don’t. Because I messed things up. Because I wasn't good enough.

I would have never guessed that I would spend my engagement day watching an illusion take my place. I have never created an illusion for that many people, so I have no idea if my plan will succeed. But I have to try. I want everyone to know that Lo is my Queen, because I will never accept any other Queen than her.

The announcement of our arrival rings out, and the double doors open. I focus all my magic on keeping the illusion up. My chest rumbles, the illusion mana clearly getting excited. I’m not sure if it’s because I have to use that mana so much, or because it awakens from my misery, dragging me even deeper into my sorrow.

I walk down the stairs alone and go sit on the throne at the back of the room while I watch myself and my pretty flower settling on the dance floor. Everyone looks at us, smiling.

That could have been us. But it’s nothing but a facade.

I’m nothing but a facade. I’m just a big failure. No wonder my father always keeps scolding and judging me. I feel my tears running as I watch the image of my perfect pretty flower, smiling so beautifully.

I just want to get this over with so I can go back to her. I need to get her to talk to me, to get her to understand that she is the only one who can make me happy. And I’m the reason for all the misfortune, not her.

After my fake speech, my chest starts to hurt pretty badly. But I push it down. Now is not the time to go berserk. I have more important things to do. I need to keep myself calm so I can manage to convince her to stay with me. I really want her to stay with me willingly. I don’t want to force her. But I know I will if needed.

When all the guests finally start to dance and chatter, I make us leave the room, and I exit as well. I lean against the door, breathing heavily. That definitely took a toll on my mana. I’m actually pretty exhausted. But it doesn’t matter. I need to go to her.

I stop by the butler’s room to grab the key to my pretty flower’s room, just in case she isn’t going to open the door for me. But I try to get her to talk from the balcony first.

My heart freezes when I see that her balcony door is open. I step inside, but the room is empty.

My panic rises.

Did she really leave me? Was that fucking itch right all this time? But she can’t leave me. She really can’t. I won’t let her.

I quickly realize all her things are still here. So at least she didn’t pack and leave. Let’s not panic too much. Maybe she is just out in the garden.

I go back to the balcony and look down. Did she really climb down from here? I hope she is alright and didn’t hurt herself.

I focus on my surroundings, trying to find her mind somewhere nearby. But I find nothing.

The panic rises again, my mana going crazy inside me. I run toward the escape path and go outside. How am I going to find her? I have no idea if she left five minutes ago or an hour ago. But I have to try. I have to find her.

I let my illusion mana flow, trying to pick up minds as far as possible. Spreading everywhere, desperately trying to find her.

Then I spot her.

I would never mistake her disarrayed mind. I start running toward her. She really is far away. I didn’t know I could even reach that far. I guess when you’re desperate enough, you can surpass your own limits.

The run feels endless. The fear of losing her is driving me insane.

I realize she is walking toward the temple, which eases my mind a little. Maybe she just wanted to confide in God, seek help, or something. Maybe she isn’t going to leave me after all.

When I enter the temple, I walk to the prayer room but can’t find her there. Where the hell is she? I’m sure her mind came in here.

I focus again on finding her mind, and it really is still here.

Wait. She is somewhere higher than me. Is there a second floor here?

I walk forward, right under her drifting mind, and I’m faced with stairs.

Oh right. The bell tower.

She is probably up there.

Then my heart drops into the pit of hell.

Please don’t tell me she is going up there to jump down. Surely she isn’t there to kill herself, right? She promised she wouldn’t kill herself. She promised.

I run up the stairs, putting all my strength and magic into my muscles.

Even though she promised she wouldn’t.

But somehow, I know my fear is right.

My pretty flower really is leaving me.

She really is going to kill herself.

And it’s all my fault.