Master of Minds, Master of Me

I stroll around Felix’s secret garden, making sure every single flower here is in good health. I have mostly been up and about since yesterday’s date night, mostly because my ass hurts so freaking much if I sit anywhere. So I much rather stay on my feet.

My pussy pulses just from the thought of what happened yesterday. I don’t know why, but I just loved it. I felt so free once again. It didn’t matter that Felix hurt me. I still loved it. But I don’t think it was the pain that I loved. I just loved the fact that he used me. If he wants to vent his anger like that, I want him to do exactly that. At first, I stayed silent during his spanking only because of what Master Loneflare told me. He said that the only thing I could do to help Felix calm his mana was to let him do whatever he wanted to me.

But it didn’t take long for me to realize how much I enjoyed it. I know it’s probably messed up, but I can’t deny it.

I’m still worried about Felix, though. I knew he was still bothered by that grave, but I didn’t know it bothered him that much. His mana was overflowing. I’m not very skillful at detecting magic around me, but the whole room was full of his magic. He really was losing it. I’m just happy he got it under control eventually. There should still be months before he finally snaps and destroys the Palace. So I don’t know why he is so close to losing it already.

Is it because of me? Am I drawing his dark side out that much? Or is it because of the pain I have caused him? I really don’t want to cause him any pain. I want Felix to be happy for this little time we have left together. But I don’t know how I can do that. I can’t help but wonder if Felix would be happier if I had never forgotten to deliver that letter. I really don’t want to be the cause of him erupting earlier than he should.

Now that I think about it, I’m not even that scared of the fact that he would kill me. I’m more scared for him. Experiencing mana going rampant and ending up destroying the Palace must be horrifying. I can’t even fathom how painful it must be. How painful it is to die because your own magic makes you burst from the inside out. I really hate the thought of anything hurting him.

I don’t know at what point he started to become this important to me. I really can’t imagine my life without him anymore. And it pains me to know that I have to. After I die, I need to go back to living like before, since God really is my only chance to earn salvation.

My heart leaps to my throat when someone’s fingers grab my wrist, and I’m yanked against something hard.

“What’s making my pretty flower’s mood so down? Anything I could do to lift it up?”

I look up and see Felix’s blinding smile. I hate that he came when my mind was feeling sad, since it will cause him to worry or be in pain. I try my best to shake my thoughts away. I wrap my hands around him and lean against his chest. I do feel lighter whenever I’m with him.

“Yes. You can just hug me, and I’ll feel better.”

He does exactly that, squeezing me tight.

“What makes you anxious?”

I don’t want to lie again, so I give him another truth.

“I’m just stressed about this whole engagement party thing. I’m not used to being the center of attention. I’m worried I’ll mess things up and make you look bad.”

“You could never mess things up.”

“You know how bad I am at dancing. And we have to dance in front of everyone.”

“You’re not that bad. Just dance as you did during the Selection with me. And even if you do mess up, I would never care. I love you anyway.”

“Well, maybe you wouldn’t care, but everyone else would.”

“If that worries you so much, I’ll just feed them some false scenarios if you end up fumbling during the dance.”

I raise my head to look at him.

“Could you really do that to that many people at the same time?”

“Never tried, but I’m pretty confident I could do it.”

“You really are hopeless sometimes. You shouldn’t push yourself for me like that. I’ll be fine.”

He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead.

“I have already told you. I would do anything for you, Lo. And there is nothing you could do to stop me.”

“Your Highness, Lady Lorelia. Dinner is ready.”

We turn to look at the maid speaking. I feel my cheeks redden. It still feels so embarrassing when anyone sees us acting like this, clinging to each other. Felix grabs my hand and starts walking toward the Palace.

“We’re coming, thanks,” he says, his voice light and happy.

I just hope he really is happy. Sometimes I wish I could probe his mind too, so I would know how he really feels.

Dinner is amazing as always, and I always enjoy eating with Felix. He has been eating every meal with me, even though he must be drowning in work. When we enter Felix's room, he takes off his jacket and is about to slump on the couch when someone knocks on the door.

‘’Come in,’’ Felix says while we both turn against the door.

Tedracil walks in. “Good evening, Your Highness and Lady Lorelia.”

He walks to stand in front of us and Felix takes my hands to his, holding it warmly.

“Good evening, Tedracil,” I say with my usual polite smile.

“What’s up, Ted? Missing me already?” Felix’s voice is playful as always.

“We received some bad news from the monster campaign. Should we talk in your office?”

I feel Felix’s grip on my hand tighten.

“No need. Just tell me now. What is it?”

“The Royal army’s captain, unfortunately, died during battle today.”

“What? What happened?” Felix sounds pretty shocked.

“Apparently, his sword broke, and that cost him his life.”

Felix rubs his face with his free hand.

“I can’t believe it. I told him a million times to use a new one. But he was so stubborn about it, saying it held too much sentimental value. I should have just been more stern about getting him a new sword. What do sentimental matters mean when you die for it?”

“The Royal army’s vice captain is still out on a mission, so there is no one to take his place at the monster campaign.”

Felix lifts his head to stare at Tedracil.

“And you came to tell me that I need to go?”

“Yes.”

“You do realize that I have an engagement party tomorrow?”

“Of course. I already discussed the matter with the King. He said that you can still enjoy the engagement party and leave right after it.”

Felix’s hand squeezes mine so tightly that it hurts.

“You must be kidding me?”

“No. We’ll send the vice captain there as soon as he returns, and then you can come back to perform your duties at the Palace.”

“So my father really are planning to send me to fight monsters right after my engagement party?”

Felix’s voice is starting to get dark, dangerous. I’m afraid his anger is showing too much. If his eyes turn purple in front of Tedracil, it might compromise his secret of having a third mana affinity. So I decide to interrupt them.

“Tedracil, could you leave us alone for a while?”

“Of course. Let’s discuss this in more detail tomorrow morning.”

He bows and exits the room. I stand in front of Felix. His expression is something I can’t quite read, but I know it’s nothing good.

“Felix, are you alright?”

He starts to laugh. Not his usual chuckle. It sounds more maniacal.

“Am I okay? Of course I am. I’m always okay. It’s my duty to be okay and do everything they ask of me. Who cares about what I want? If someone dies or can’t perform their duties, there’s no worry, since I’ll take their place. First Duke Callum and now this? I deal with every fucking thing.”

“Felix, please, calm down.”

“Calm down? It’s supposed to be our engagement party. It’s supposed to be our day.”

“Well, maybe we shouldn’t hold the engagement party at all tomorrow?”

Maybe it’s okay to move the day, like to next weekend or something, so we could enjoy it fully. So we can spend the whole day together in peace.

Felix’s eyes darken, the purple clearly visible, and I see the magic pouring out of him. He starts to laugh again, like he’s really going insane.

“Oh, wouldn’t you like that? Wouldn’t you?”

What?

“I just meant—”

“This must be perfect timing for you. A chance to escape the party, a chance to escape me. You must feel so happy right now. If I go to war, you can be free of me. That’s what you want, don’t you?”

“No! Felix, please just—”

“Maybe I’ll even die out there. If I’m gone, maybe you’d stop dreaming about dying.”

“Stop! Please let me—”

His hand grabs my throat and shoves me against the wall. I flinch from the pain.

“All my fucking life I’ve given up everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve given up everything for this country. I’ve tried my best to be the perfect Crown Prince. And for what? To be tossed around like some fucking ball to be used.”

“Felix…” I try my best to speak, but he’s choking me too hard.

“If you don’t want to be with me, why did you start calling me Felix? Why make me happy when all you’re going to do is leave me?”

I want to tell him that I’m not going to leave him, but I can’t. It’s even hard to breathe.

“I hate this fucking place.”

He leans closer, his face only inches from mine.

“Sometimes all I want to do is fucking destroy this place and escape. This place is nothing but a prison, my never-ending torment. Maybe I should just make it disappear and run away with you. Maybe then we could live together in peace.”

I just stare at him, shocked. I knew he disliked parts of being royal, but I never would have guessed his hatred toward the Palace ran this deep. He really is going to destroy the Palace out of his own hatred. It’s not just because of the mana. He truly hates it.

“If we were somewhere else, living like normal people, would you want to die then too?”

He doesn’t let me answer.

“Maybe we should just die together. Then we could be reborn together somewhere. I could find you again. Maybe then you could love me back.”

My tears start to fall. Not from the pain or the fact that he’s so close to choking me to death, but because I realize that I already love him. I want to tell him that. But I can’t. I still can’t even breathe. My vision starts to blur. Then his pupils widen with shock and suddenly he yanks his hand away, and I gasp for air.

“Fuck. Sorry, Lo. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

He grunts and collapses to the floor, holding his chest. I kneel next to him, still trying to breathe properly.

“Felix, does it hurt? Tell me what I can do.”

“Just stay away from me.”

He tries to push me away.

“No! Let me help you.”

He’s in so much pain, and it breaks my heart to see him like this.

“No. I need to get out. I need to calm down. Just go to your room. I’ll be fine.”

He stumbles up, grabs his sword, and heads toward the balcony.

“Felix! Where are you going? Take me with you.”

“No. You stay inside where it’s safe.”

I start yelling after him, but he just vanishes. My heart is pounding. Is he really going to be alright? I really messed up. I didn’t think he would misinterpret my suggestion about the engagement party as wanting to cancel it completely. Should I chase after him? But if he uses his illusion magic to turn invisible, chasing him is futile. Is there anyone who might know where he’s heading?

Master Loneflare. I should contact him. He’s probably the only one who can help. I look around the room and spot Felix’s jacket. Please let the communication stone be in his pocket.

Luckily, I find it. I let my mana flow, and it doesn’t take long for it to start glowing. Master Loneflare’s blunt voice comes through.

“What do you want?”

“It’s me, Lorelia. Felix needs your help.”

“What happened?” His tone sharpens, more present.

“He almost lost it. He talked about destroying the Palace. He somehow snapped out of it but collapsed on the floor in pain. Then he stormed out with a sword, saying he needed to calm down. But I don’t think he can do it by himself. I want to go after him, but I don’t know where he would go. Do you have any idea?”

“No. But I’ll find him. Don’t worry. Did he threaten you?”

Choking me almost to death could be interpreted as a threat, but I don’t think it was one.

“No, I’m fine. I’m just worried about him. I need to find him.”

“You stay in your room. I’ll go to him and bring him back.”

The stone turns dark.

Crap. That annoying asshole idiot. How can he just leave me out like this? Felix is my fiancé, not his!

I try to calm my racing heart and mind. I know there’s nothing I could do to calm Felix right now. So it probably is best that I stay here. I’m the one who made him snap in the first place after all. I really am the worst. Felix should really be with someone else. Someone who would calm him, not make him lose his mind and go crazy. He deserves so much better than me. I tried to warn him that I’m the worst choice, but he didn’t listen.

I walk back to my room with a gloomy mind. I don’t know what I should do. Maybe telling Felix that I love him would make him trust me more, make him believe that I really want to be with him. But is being with him really the right decision? Am I just going to cause him more pain?

Once again, I really don’t know what I should do.