Master of Minds, Master of Me

It’s Tuesday, and today Master Loneflare is going to visit. After Saturday’s chaos, Felix has done his best that I would be more comfortable with his mana problem. So he arranged the meeting quickly so I could be more at ease. Hoping that Master Loneflare’s word will make me believe he won't end up causing havoc.

Even though his stupid game was excruciating. I think it cleared some air between us. But I know Felix is still haunted by that image of the grave. I see it from his gaze from time to time. The sorrow and fear that I would hurt myself.

My pussy is still so sore. I don't even know how many times we have fucked during these couple of days. I’ve been so exhausted and drained. And because of that, I have eaten so much more than ever before. I feel pretty guilty because of it.

On Sunday, Felix took me out to have a picnic. We stayed late at night, watching the stars together. And also ended up having sex under the stars. Sex with him really is so addictive. As much as I like his bright ocean blue eyes. I can't help but be affected when they turn dark. Knowing he is losing his control and just going to have his way with me.

I have basically stayed only in his room; he hasn't let me sleep in my own room, but I don’t exactly mind. I enjoy sleeping next to him. I look at his relaxed sleeping face. He has always woken up before me. So I haven't had the chance to look at his peaceful face like this. I gently glide my fingers against his cheek, slowly sliding down his neck.

Then I spot something I haven't seen before. There is a scar peeking under his shirt. I have seen his bare chest many times. But I have never seen a scar on him. I try to slide the shirt away so I can see it better. It seems rather big; it just keeps going. Suddenly, his hands grab my wrist, and I instantly look at him. He looks at me with a smile.

“Peeping first thing in the morning? You naughty, pretty flower.”

My cheeks flush. “I was not! It wasn't like that!”

He strokes strands of hair behind my ear.

“Really? Well, why else would you try to peek under my shirt?” His tone is teasing.

“I was just trying to look at your scar. I don't understand why I haven't seen it before.”

I look back at the scar, but it’s gone. What the hell?

“Oh, so you saw it?” Felix looks rather uncomfortable.

I look at him with confusion.

“Yes. Where did it go?”

He scoops me to his arms and presses me against him more tightly.

“It doesn't matter. Just forget it. It’s nothing.”

I wiggle out of his arms and sit.

“It looked pretty big. How could it be nothing? And why is it gone now?”

He sits up too, still looking like he doesn’t want to discuss the topic.

‘’It’s just something from ancient history, so it really is nothing.’’

‘’Felix. You have forced me to talk about things I would rather not. So I think it’s just fair that you tell me some of your secrets too.’’

I know I’m not the best person to judge him, since I still have secrets from him. And after Saturday, he really hasn’t asked about them anymore. He clearly wants to. But I think he knows that I would never tell him.

‘’Fine,’’ he says in defeat. ‘’You probably know about me disappearing during the Dark War?’’

I nod. I mean, of course, I know, the whole country knew about it. But I actually have never thought about that much. No one knows what actually happened there. Everybody just knows that Master Loneflare saved his life.

‘’I kind of left the front line recklessly when I saw one monster dragging a little girl away. I followed them alone and managed to save the girl who escaped with my horse, while I stayed to stall the monsters. That’s when my illusion mana awakened. My whole body just felt like it was exploding, and I wasn’t able to move because of that. So Thornback Skraeg managed to pierce my left shoulder with his spike and then sank his teeth into my right shoulder. So those left pretty big scars on my body’’

I feel my eyes widen as I listen to him. It sounds horrifying. He must have been in so much pain.

‘’Is that when Master Loneflare came to help?’’

‘’No. I passed out and woke up, who knows where. That Skraeg was going to feed me to its children. I managed to escape into a cave and sealed myself in, creating a wall with magic. But my mana was still going berserk inside me, and controlling my magic was hard. And of course, I was bleeding pretty badly. I was already sure I was going to die in that cave. That’s when Theodore came. I really do owe my life to him.’’

I just wrap my hands around him and hug him.

‘’I’m sorry that you had to go through that all alone. I can’t even imagine how horrifying that must’ve been. You were so young back then.’’

He wraps his hand around me, hugging me back.

‘’If I had known that I would receive a hug like this from you, I would have told you that story ages ago.’’

I withdraw a little bit so I can see his face. He smirks arrogantly.

‘’Do you really have to joke about everything?’’

‘’Yes. Definitely. Especially when you glare at me like that. It totally turns me on.’’

‘’Haha, very funny. So tell me why I haven’t seen the scars before?’’

He turns his head and scratches the back of his head with his hand. Is he feeling embarrassed? I didn’t know it was even possible for him. He looks rather cute.

‘’No reason.’’

‘’Felix, don’t try to escape this. I want to know.’’

He exhales heavily. ‘’Fine. I can’t say no to your lovely button eyes. They have the power to hypnotise me.’’

Button eyes?

‘’I have just always hated those scars. They remind me of my own failure. And they really are rather hideous to look at. So I just don’t want people to see them.’’

I just stare at him, dumbfounded.

‘’Are you feeling insecure because of them?’’

‘’You could say that. So I just hide them, using my illusion magic to make sure no one sees them. I have done it for so long that I kind of do it unconsciously after I wake up.’’

‘’Is that why you always sleep with the shirt on, even when you force me to sleep naked?’’

‘’Maaaaybe.’’

I’m just too shocked about this. Felix is like the most handsome person I have ever met in my life. How can someone like him feel insecure about his looks? I guess insecurity can strike the most beautiful ones too. And I guess the pressure around him affects. Since everyone expects him to be perfect.

‘’Can I see them?’’

‘’No.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’I already told you, they look hideous.’’

‘’I doubt anything could look hideous on you. Scars don’t matter Felix. I’ve always thought that scars are more like a war prize. A proof of something you have endured and survived. They are nothing to me ashamed of.’’

‘’It’s still a no.’’

He gets up from bed.

‘’Felix, please.’’

He looks away from me, lifting his hand to his eyes for cover.

‘’Nope. Not going to work. Keep your eyes to yourself. I’m not going to do it.’’

I lay on the bed, lifting my hand to my forehead dramatically. Acting like he usually acts.

‘’I knew it. I knew you didn’t really love me.’’

He turns to look at me. ‘’What are you talking about?’’

I keep up with the act.

‘’If you would love me, you would show them to me. You said you would do anything for me, but apparently it was just a lie.’’

I try to suppress my smile as he walks closer to bed.

‘’Really, Lo?’’

‘’Yes. I might die from misery right now. My heart bleeds from your denial.’’

He climbs on top of me.

“You know that your act would be much more effective if you would succeed in hiding that pretty smile of yours.”

I move my hand away from my forhead and just smile at him.

‘’I’m sorry that I’m not that skilful at acting like you are.’’

He pretends to be hurt.

‘’Acting? Me? I would never fake my emotions.’’

I roll my eyes at him. ‘’Yeah, right.’’

He leans closer, his lips inches from mine.

‘’I would really want to spank your ass for rolling your eyes like that. But unfortunately, we have a busy morning.’’

I try to hide my body’s response to his threat.

‘’What do you mean by busy?’’

He gets up from bed and heads toward his walk-in closet.

‘’Our breakfast is probably already waiting for us. After that, we need to visit the church.’’

‘’Church, why? I can visit the church while you are working.’’

I follow him to the closet, wanting to hear his answer. And maybe peek at him a little when he changes. He has already taken his nightshirt off, and I stare at his shoulders, thinking about the scars that are there somewhere.

‘’Morning church was our routine, wasn’t it? I think we should go back to that.’’

‘’Really?’’

He walks in front of me while sliding his belt on.

‘’I told you that those mornings were important to me. Even though I might not be to most religious person, I did enjoy being with you there. Visiting the church was clearly important to you. And I still want to be part of that.’’

I just stare at him, and he kisses my forehead. I still can’t believe how much he is willing to do for me. I do enjoy it. But it also makes me feel guilty. All I can give him are lies. And I hate it. I have always dreamed of getting rid of this curse of mine. But I think right now, I want it more than ever. I want to just be with Felix like a normal woman. Someone who doesn’t have to fear the future. About the fact that Felix probably ends up killing me.

I do hope that when I see Master Loneflare I can learn something new. So I have hope that we can avoid that destiny. And I also have hope that he knows something about curses. But I’m too afraid to hope too much. I don’t want to be too disappointed if I learn nothing.

‘’Lo? Are you okay? If you feel uncomfortable going to church with me, we don’t have to.’’

I lift my gaze to look at him. I didn’t even realize I zoned out. He looks worried. And it pains me. I have tried my best to be carefree and happy around him. Only because I don’t want him to look like that. I want to shield him from the darkness in my mind. He deserves nothing but the best.

‘’Yes, sorry.’’ I try my best to smile normally at him. ‘’I do want to go to church with you. But you have to promise to behave.’’

He smiles at me teasingly, but I can still see the worry in him, a worry he tries to hide.

‘’What do you mean? I always behave.’’

‘’Do you call what we did in the confession booth behaving?’’

‘’Absolutely! You confessed your lust, and I confessed my obsession. I think it went extremely well.’’

I let out a sigh and go grab one of my dresses from his closet. Milna brought here some of my clothes when she realized that I’m rarely in my own room. I slide out of my nightdress, and Felix’s hands immediately come behind me, and he nuzzles against my neck.

‘’Need any help with your dress?’’

His hands travel agains my upper body, and I part my lips.

‘’No.’’

I take my bras but freeze when his hands close on my breasts.

‘’You sure? Since it doesn’t look like you are putting any clothes on.’’

‘’I am! Just stop touching me so much.’’

I focus and slip the bra behind my back and hook it close at the front, and then twist it the right way. I was just about to slip my arm under the shoulder strap, but then Felix’s fingers find my nipples, and I let out a sigh. Stopping all movement.

His lips brush against my ears.

“What's the matter? Why are you not putting your clothes on?”

Jerk. It’s obvious why. It’s because he has some sick ability to make me just melt against him instantly.

“I…”

I’m too lost in the feeling of his hands caressing me that I can't even muster up an answer.

I let out a low moan, and then his hands just vanish. I yelp as he smacks me on the ass.

“Hurry up, pretty flower. God is waiting.”

I want to curse and yell at him for teasing me like that. But I just take a deep breath and try to calm my body and my nerves.

Remember, cursing people is not something a good, devoted person would do.

Fucking a Crown Prince who destroys the Palace probably isn’t either. But even if I have sinned in some aspects of my life, I still want to keep certain aspects of myself in check. So I get dressed, and we head to eat breakfast before going to church.

When we enter the church, we go sit in the first row as we did when he was Father Owen. I fall silent, focusing on the prayer.

I go over my usual mantra. Praying for my family, praying for the less fortunate people. I pray that I will find some answers today when talking with Master Loneflare. I pray that I have enough courage to even talk to him in the first place. I pray that Felix could handle his mana better, so he would be able to control it and not cause chaos in the future.

Then I ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for being weak and selfish. Forgiveness for straying from my righteous path. And I promise that I will do better in my next life.

When I have said everything I wanted, I open my eyes and turn to look at Felix. His eyes are still closed. Is he praying too? When he was Father Owen, he was always silent during my prayer; I thought he prayed too. Now I don’t know whether he was only faking it. But he has no reason to fake it anymore.

I focus back on the altar. It takes about five minutes for him to open his eyes and talk to me.

‘’Just out of curiosity. Do you usually pray the same things every time?’’ He asks in a calm tone.

‘’Partly yes. I always pray for my family and for other people. And I always ask for forgiveness for some things I have done.’’

‘’For what did you ask forgiveness?’’

‘’Mostly for being weak and selfish.’’

‘’I know my words probably mean nothing. But I think you are the most unselfish person I have ever met. You really should be more selfish sometimes. Why do you even think you are selfish? I don’t remember a single thing you have ever asked for yourself while being here.’’

‘’I’m selfish because I stayed with you. Wanting you is selfish.’’

He averts his gaze from me, and I see his ears redden.

Wait.

Is he blushing? I really didn’t think it would be possible. I’m pretty fascinated every time I see him act differently or learn something new about him. It’s starting to get addictive.

‘’Lo, you really shouldn’t say things like that if you don’t want to confess your lust in front of God again.’’

Well, now it’s my turn to blush. But I absolutely don’t want to do that again. So I just ignore his dirty talk.

‘’What about you? You have always sat quietly next to me. Have you ever prayed in here?’’

“Sometimes. But mostly I just talk to God.”

“About what?”

“About my need to have you.”

I stare at him in disbelief.

“Please tell me you are kidding.”

He chuckles. “No. I’m not. I tried to convince her to let go of you. Since all you saw was God. And I wanted you to see me.’’

‘’You do realize it was impossible not to see you when you tormented me with your sick visions every day?’’

‘’I would like to call it gifting my presence to you every day.’’

He really is utterly hopeless. But apparently, it doesn’t bother me anymore.

I think I might even like how hopeless he is. Maybe a little too much.