Master of Minds, Master of Me

Two weeks and two days. Almost half left. And my sanity is really taking a toll here.

I’ve been rather busy this week. Next week we start planning the monster campaign with Theodore, so I need to prepare everything for that. I’m just glad that the evacuation site in the northern mountains is now ready for use, so I have one less thing to worry about. I placed a couple of knights in the nearby city who can instruct the evacuation if we do get attacked. The timing of the threat really is the worst possible, since many will soon be battling against monsters, so our army will be at its weakest soon.

And of course, there’s the Selection going on. I really don’t understand why it couldn’t wait until after the monster campaign. It only overlaps by two weeks, but it would be better if it didn’t overlap at all, especially if something happens and I need to go fight too.

Of course, what takes most of my time and energy is my pretty flower. I’m glad I can talk to her every day, even though I can’t be myself around her. Ted is more furious about that, about me constantly vanishing, but I don’t care. I have limited time with her, so I have to use it properly. I do finish my work, but usually, I work late at night. I might be a little carefree and do things differently, but I have every intention of being a good ruler and doing everything for this country. At this point, doing that costs me my sleep and any fun time beyond the palace grounds. Since I basically either pester my flower or work. But I can always sleep after the Selection, so I don’t mind.

Still, getting to know her is pretty hard since she’s so reserved and rarely talks about herself. Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t even know herself either. Like when I took her on that picnic, she was clearly struggling with my questions about her. And her mind didn’t feel like she didn’t want to answer. It felt more like she really was confused and struggling to answer. But when I asked about her family, she instantly started talking, and hearing her sweet voice was enough to make me happy at that moment. But I want to know who she is.

I think she talked more relaxedly with Max. Since she’s done much volunteer work in orphanages, it makes sense that she likes the company of children. So I’m going to use Max today to talk to her. I kind of want to know if she likes anything sweet. Milna said she never eats desserts, saying she’s full. I plan to leave little gifts for her in the future along with the chess pawns, so I need to do some research on what she likes, and Max will be perfect for that.

I know, I know. Pretending to be a child is not the most ethical thing to do. But I think that ship already sailed when I pretended to be a priest and started tormenting her with my visions.

I’ve always wished I had a sibling or any kind of relative I could hang around with. Max is actually my imaginary friend from childhood. When a child has no friends, they start to invent their own. So I imagined he was my annoying little brother. Of course, I couldn’t say Max is my brother to her, since everyone knows I’m an only child. But it was kind of fun to see my childhood imagination come alive. And I loved to see a different side of my pretty flower when she talked to me then. It was a little tricky to make her see me as Max and me as myself at that time. But that's nothing I couldn't manage.

I’m waiting for her in the greenhouse. I’m sure after she’s recovered from my kissing threat, she’ll come here to relax her mind. And soon, I see her walking in with her usual statue-like appearance. I run toward her and introduce myself formally. I use my aunt’s surname, she doesn’t have any children, but I think it’s smart to use that since it would raise less suspicion if Lorelia started looking at my family tree.

She luckily accepts my company easily. Which is good, but it still stings a little. I just wish she would want my company this easily too. She clearly has some problem with me, and I have no idea what it is. Since we don’t even know each other, why would she want to avoid me even after I told her I’m not going to make her my Queen? And my reputation is good, so there’s no reason for her to dislike me from the beginning.

“So, how did your playdate go?” Her voice is so soft and gentle that just hearing it makes my soul a little more at peace.

“We ended up hunting snakes like you suggested, and she was rather interested in them. We had a lot of fun.”

The truth? I only hunt you, my pretty flower.

“I’m glad to hear that. Did you see her again?”

“Yes. I do like playing with her.”

I mean I do like playing with you. I’ve always enjoyed games, and this one with you is absolutely the most challenging and intriguing game I’ve ever played.

“What about your mother? Is she still wishing for you to marry her?”

Ummm… What would a child do? Probably look grumpy, that’s something I’m very good at.

“Yes. Especially now that we get along. But she doesn’t want to get married either. She says marriage is something for adults, not kids. And I already told her and my mom that I’m going to marry you.”

She’s clearly a little shocked by that, and I can’t help but smile at her reaction. I feel so victorious whenever I manage to draw out even a tiny change in her beautiful features. And honestly, I’d have no problem marrying her. If she wanted to be a Queen, I’d make her my Queen without hesitation. I know I’d somehow have to get her picked as one of the top three candidates to do that, but I’d figure out a way.

“I’m sorry, Max. But I’m not planning to get married.”

“What? Why?”

“I’ve decided to devote myself to God.”

“If you want to be a priestess, that’s totally okay with me. I don’t care.”

That’s true. I’m not sure they’d allow a Queen to be a priestess, but I’d make it happen.

“I appreciate that. But I meant that I want to fully devote myself to God. I don’t plan to have any kind of relationship.”

“So it’s not because you want to marry my cousin?”

“Your cousin? You mean the Crown Prince?”

Her mind feels a little confused by my question. I just want to probe a little, to see if her attitude toward me has changed at all.

“No, I don’t.”

Goddammit. I knew it was wishful thinking.

“Are you sure? Because my idiot cousin keeps insisting that you’re his.”

’Cause you definitely are, pretty flower. Or at least until the Selection ends. And that thought only makes my heart throb in pain, the thought of watching her leave those gates and never come back.

“I promise I have no intention of marrying him, or of having any kind of relationship with him.”

Well, not yet. We still have time. I’ll persuade you to admit your desires.

“Okay, I believe you. But if you ever decide to get married, I’ll definitely be your husband!”

“That is sweet of you, Max. I promise to remember your offer. Can I ask, is His Highness here?”

Oh? Are you hoping to see me? Or more like wanting to make sure you don’t see me? Better come up with some lie about where I am.

“No. He’s usually at the training grounds at this time of day. Why do you ask?”

“I just don’t feel like seeing him, so I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t bump into him here.”

Goddammit. Okay, that was expected, but still.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from him.”

She smiles at me, with a little more emotion than usual. And I kind of hate the fact that it’s aimed at Max and not me. I get to the real point of being here as Max and offer her the candies in my pocket. I got a variety of different flavors, wanting to see if there’s one she likes more than others. But she refuses to have them.

“Don’t you like sweets?”

“No, it’s not that. I just really don’t eat sweets much.”

“Why not? I picked the candy carefully, thinking about what you’d like.”

“I—”

Her mind is clearly struggling. I can’t think of even a single reason why someone would refuse candy. Of course, if they don’t like the taste, then I can understand it. But she said it’s not because of that.

“Please, just one,” I push her, trying to look like a child with puppy eyes.

“Well, okay. Just one.”

Unbeatable Felix strikes again. She finally picks one candy from my hand. My smile widens when she eats it. Her mind clearly enjoyed it, I can sense the brightness and joy from her. So clearly, strawberry flavor is a good choice. Let’s try to get her to taste the rest too.

I’m about to open my mouth, suggesting she take more since she clearly liked that one, but then something suddenly shifts inside her mind. The happiness drains from her. Her gaze turns empty, and some weird darkness looms inside her mind. And I don’t understand it one bit. She totally zones out, lost in her thoughts. What made her mood change that drastically? I’m starting to get a little worried since her mind keeps sinking deeper into sadness and misery.

“Lorelia? Are you okay? Was the candy that bad?”

She snaps out of it and gives me her usual gentle smile, returning to her statue-like behavior.

“No, it was delicious, Max. I just got lost in thought, that’s all. I should go now. Thank you for your company Max, and for the candy.”

“Already?”

I don’t want her to leave, not when she’s in that state, whatever that state even is.

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

I guess I can’t exactly stop her. But I’d better follow her, make sure she’s okay.

“Okay… Can I come see you again?”

“I—” She struggles once again. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I do enjoy your company, Max, I really do. But I’m going to leave the palace after the Selection, so I’m trying not to get too close to anyone, since I’ll have to leave anyway.”

What? I would never have guessed she’d say no to seeing me again.

“But you still have weeks left. And it’s not like we couldn’t see each other after you leave.”

“I know. But when I go back home, I’ll spend my days in the temple. So I’m not going to visit this place. I need to be next to God.”

She’s clearly making excuses. I can sense it. Being able to sense someone’s mind serves as a pretty great lie detector. Of course, some people lie so skillfully that it’s hard to notice, but her? She’s clearly not used to lying.

“Well, then I can just visit you in the temple!”

“Max… To be honest, I’m not a person you should be around.”

Even bigger what? Don’t religious people usually think of themselves as good company, since they can spread the joy and love of God to everyone?

“Why not?”

“It’s something I can’t explain. I’m just someone you should avoid. I’m not a good person to be around.”

Not a good person? She must be kidding, right? She’s probably the kindest person I’ve ever met. Why should anyone avoid someone like her? This is getting even more confusing. And the worst part? She isn’t lying. She clearly believes that. Thinks it’s the truth.

“Not a good person? What do you mean by that?”

“I’m sorry, Max. I can’t explain. I really need to go. Take care of yourself, Max.”

I just stand there and stare at her back as she walks away. What just happened? I just wanted to talk to her and offer her some sweets. How did the situation end up like this? Did the candy trigger something in her mind? Goddammit, my brain is in helpless knots right now.

Maybe she’s one of those religious people who take virtue too seriously, thinking that some small sin or mistake is the worst thing ever. Has she done something in the past that makes her think she’s a horrible person or something? Maybe I should look into her past a little more so I could understand her better.

I realize she’s already vanished from sight and I snap back from my thoughts. Shit. I want to follow her, to make sure she’s alright. And maybe she’ll even go to the church, so I need to be nearby for that, ready to be Father Owen. It would make sense if she did, with her mind in that state, wanting to seek aid from God.

I close my eyes and focus on the minds I can find within the palace grounds. When I spot her messy and looming mind, I start to walk toward her. Where is she going? She’s not heading to the church if she’s walking that way, and her room isn’t there either. The only thing in that direction is the training grounds.

My brain freezes for a moment. I told her I’d be training there. I have no idea if her walking there has anything to do with that, but if there’s even a slight chance she’s going there to see me, I have to be there.

Shit! I’m so screwed.

I run as fast as I possibly can, using magic to make sure no one sees me. I’m nothing but a gust of wind tearing across the palace grounds. I even run past her. Goddammit, I miss teleportation. With that, I’d have no trouble getting there in time.

And the Crown Prince’s uniform really isn’t made for running under the scorching sun. I feel like I’m suffocating under these layers of fabric. I start unbuttoning my shirt while running. There’s no time to change my clothes, so I’ll just have to go with my pants.

I really should think about my lies before spouting them out.

I enter the training grounds. A little sweaty from the sudden run in my uniform. I create a little water on my body so I’ll look more like I’ve been training for a while.

“Sir Grotel!” I yell when I spot one knight training with a dummy.

“Yes, Your Highness?”

“Come quickly, spar with me.”

“What?”

“No time for questions, come, come! Hurry!”

I grab him by the hand and drag him toward the open field. Luckily, he follows my orders. I’m honestly a little exhausted from the sudden run in full uniform. I can only blame myself for it.

I focus on my magic while we start to spar with our swords, and soon I sense her mind not far from the training grounds. I’m glad she really came, that my maniac run wasn’t for nothing.

Of course, I could always just create an illusion of myself training. But I want her eyes on me for once. I want to feel her wandering gaze on me, not just on an illusion version of me.

And soon, I feel the change in her mind. The sorrow slowly fading and a slight warmth surfacing. I want to look at her, to see if her expression has changed, but I’m pretty sure if I turn my head to see her, she’ll definitely turn away and leave. I just really hope she came here to see me, and that it wasn’t just a coincidence.

I start to feel rather conscious of myself now that I can feel her eyes on me. Is my hair okay? I mean, I just ran through the palace grounds, so it’s probably a mess. Goddammit, I should have tried to brush it at least a little with my fingers or something. I don’t want to look like a complete disaster in front of her. Not when she’s voluntarily looking at me.

She hasn’t seen the real me in two weeks. I’d like to look perfect when she finally does. But I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Then I feel her mind slowly distancing from me. Did she leave? I turn to glance where I sensed her, but I don’t see her. I instantly sit on the ground, breathing heavily.

“Your Highness? Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes, that’s all, Grotel. You can go back to your training. Thanks for the help.”

He looks at me in confusion but turns and heads back to the dummies.

Okay. Note to self: don’t lie about things you can’t make happen if needed.