Master of Minds, Master of Me

My heart freezes when I see him sitting on my bed. I know this is just one of those visions tormenting me, making me fall deeper into the pit of sins. He is only wearing pants, his chest bare. His hands rest on the bed, and he is lazily leaning back against them, his gaze piercing through me as I stand at my bathroom door. The usual teasing smile curls on his lips.

I know Felix is not really here. But still, seeing him makes my body go still. And I hate how I can’t do anything. I just watch him, unable to make him disappear or leave the room myself. Unable to run away from him.

He is not here. He is not here. It’s just an illusion. There is no reason to react or do anything. I just need to wait for the vision to go away.

He gets up from the bed, and I instinctively take a step back, my back hitting the bathroom door. My heart keeps pounding inside my chest, louder and louder, as he walks toward me slowly. He is not here. There is no need to fear him.

I keep telling myself that, but my mouth starts to feel dry as panic increases. He has been tormenting me every single day. Sometimes it is just his voice, whispering in my ear. Sometimes it’s him watching me, smiling at me. Sometimes he comes closer and touches me, making my body tense and my breathing heavy.

I keep staring at him as he walks right in front of me. I should move, escape, try to avoid him. But I don’t. Once again, I hate myself for not being able to do anything. Like I just surrender myself to his torment without a fight. He brushes my hair behind my ear and slowly slides his fingers down the side of my neck, then follows my collarbone and moves his fingers up to my throat. The threat of him wrapping his fingers around my throat is always there. Ever since he did it after the chess match, his fingers have lingered there far too many times, and the memory of that consumes me every single time. Judging from the look on his face, he knows that too.

He ends up only lifting my chin and leaning closer. His face is only inches from mine. I keep staring into his ocean eyes. His lips part, and my gaze shifts to them as he speaks.

“Two weeks and two days, pretty flower. And then I’m going to kiss you.”

What? Kiss me? He has never said that before. I want to say no to him. I don’t want to kiss him. But I keep just staring at his lips. And for some reason, my hand glides against his chest. A shock travels through me. Why am I doing this? Why am I touching him? I don’t want to. But I can’t stop myself either. The heat gathers within me again.

He still holds my chin, looking at me like he expects an answer. He tilts his head and leans even closer. I feel his breath against my lips.

“Do you want to kiss me?” His voice is low, dangerously tempting.

I manage to shake my head in denial. That only makes him smile more.

“Well, why are your lips parted, like you’re inviting me in? Why is your body growing hotter, your heartbeat faster?”

I don’t know. What he says is true, I feel hot. My heart feels like it’s about to burst out of my ribcage. Do I really want to kiss him? I have no idea how his lips would feel against mine. Would they be soft? Would the touch tingle like his hands do against my skin?

No. What the hell am I thinking? I am not one to savour the thought of something like that. I somehow manage to get hold of myself and try my best to push him away. And then, in an instant, he disappears, and I’m faced with my empty room once again. I slide down against the door to sit on the floor, trying to grasp reality. I bend my knees and hide my face against them, shame consuming me.

I regret so much winning that chess game. If I had known what kind of torment would wait for me, I would have never seized the opportunity to get rid of Felix. I’m not sure if this is punishment for fooling him, or if it’s only because of him. But after that chess match, it’s clear that somehow Felix is behind all my visions. He has said to me things through those visions that only he would know. So it must be him doing all of this. I can’t understand how he does this. You can’t do something like this with water or electricity magic. So is this some power from the Devil? Are they working together or something? I knew Felix was a bad man, so it should not surprise me that he would do something like this. I have wondered how a happy person like him could be the downfall of our country. But I don’t wonder that anymore. There are too many weeks left. I have no idea how I’m going to survive this. How to keep my sanity here at the Palace.

When I finally think my body is able to stand, I get up and spot another chess piece on my desk. I should just ignore it. I know his notes under the pawns never contain anything important. But like every time I tell myself to ignore them, I can’t stop myself from walking toward the pawn and reading the note under it.

Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?

He is unbelievable. I place the pawn and the note in my drawer with all the previous ones and head toward the greenhouse. That is my only sanctuary here. The visions rarely agonize me there. Hans has been a great distraction for me, and I’m growing closer to him each day. Maybe a little too close. I know when it’s my time to die again and start this loop over, I will never see him again, since I will never come back here. This is exactly why I don’t want to get close to people, it only brings me pain eventually. I’m just glad that he won’t remember me. No one ever does. I’m the only one being tormented by the memories of each loop.

So I should really distance myself from him, but I can’t. I enjoy having someone to talk to too much. The same goes for Father Owen. I’ve seen him almost every day too. But lately, I’ve avoided the church a little, since the visions torment me there as well. And I can’t bring myself to confess my struggling mind to Father Owen. I know I should if I really want to seek redemption. But how am I going to explain that Felix is the one causing the visions? Last time I accused the Crown Prince of something, it cost me my head. So I can’t just directly blame Felix. Of course, priests have confidentiality obligations, but I’m not sure how deep Father Owen’s loyalty to the Royal Family runs. Would he break that obligation if I said something bad about Felix?

I open the greenhouse door and see Hans watering the plants.

“Lady Lorelia!”

I hear a loud yell and startle because of it. That wasn’t Hans. I turn my head toward the noise and see Max running toward me. What is he doing here? Please don’t tell me Felix is with him. When he reaches me, he bows.

“Let me formally introduce myself. I’m Maximilian Trislana. But please, just call me Max.”

I return the bow. “I’m Lorelia Helesantra. Feel free to call me Lorelia. Pleasure to see you again, Max. What brings you here?”

“I wanted to see you, to thank you for that one time. I’ve actually wanted to see you ever since, but I haven’t found you. So, do you have time to talk?”

“Of course I do.”

I’m a little nervous about bumping into Felix, but talking to Max would serve as a great distraction. He leads us back to the garden, and we sit on one of the benches.

“So, how did your playdate go?” I ask.

“We ended up hunting snakes like you suggested, and she was rather interested in them. We had a lot of fun.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Did you see her again?”

“Yes. I do like playing with her.”

I smile at him. He is a rather cute little boy, and I am really happy for him.

“What about your mother? Is she still wishing for you to marry her?”

His face turns grumpy, which gives me the answer already.

“Yes. Especially now that we get along. But she doesn’t want to get married either. She says marriage is something for adults, not kids. And I already told her and my mom that I’m going to marry you.”

I choke a little, not expecting that. I thought he would have already forgotten.

“I’m sorry, Max. But I’m not planning to get married.”

“What? Why?”

“I’ve decided to devote myself to God.”

“If you want to be a priestess, it’s totally okay with me. I don’t care.”

“I appreciate that. But I meant that I want to fully devote myself to God. I don’t plan to have any kind of relationship.”

“So it’s not because you want to marry my cousin?”

“Your cousin? You mean the Crown Prince?”

He nods.

“No, I don’t.”

He eyes me a little suspiciously.

“Are you sure? Because my idiot cousin keeps insisting that you’re his.”

“I promise I have no intention of marrying him, or of having any kind of relationship with him.”

“Okay, I believe you. But if you ever decide to get married, I will definitely be your husband!”

“That is sweet of you, Max. I promise to remember your offer. Can I ask, is His Highness here?”

I just want to make sure. Last time I saw Max, I also saw Felix. And I want to be sure not to see him, not when his visions are already tormenting me. I don’t need his actual presence on top of those.

“No. He’s usually at the training grounds at this time of day.”

The training grounds? I guess it makes sense. He’s always participating in monster campaigns, so of course he would train. And the other candidates did talk about trying to see him while he trained. So that probably means I can be more at ease right now.

“Why do you ask?” His face is rather curious.

“I just don’t feel like seeing him, so I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t bump into him here.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from him.”

This boy is rather charming. And honestly, he doesn’t feel even nine years old. But I guess when you grow up in a palace, you mature in a more disciplined environment, and all the lessons start much earlier than normal.

“I appreciate it.”

“Oh, and there was one thing I wanted to give you.”

He shoves his hand into his pocket and takes out some candy.

“Last time that greedy snake ate all my candy, so this time I wanted to give you some.”

I stare at the candy. I rarely eat sweets, only because I try to be as content as possible, and sweets are considered a luxury.

“Thank you for the thought, Max. But you should eat them all.”

He sulks. And now he really does seem like a nine-year-old, which makes me smile. But then his expression turns even more sad.

“Don’t you like sweets?” His voice is low, almost like a whisper.

“No, it’s not that. I just really don’t eat sweets much.”

“Why not? I picked the candy carefully, thinking about what you’d like.”

His sad face deepens, and I suddenly feel guilty. Is refusing the candy worse than actually eating it?

“I—” I try to come up with some reason to refuse.

“Please, just one.”

His eyes turn into puppy eyes, and the guilt stabbing my chest tightens.

“Well, okay. Just one.”

His smile brightens, looking like a little sun. I take one candy from his hand and unwrap it.

“It’s strawberry-flavored,” he says as I slip the candy between my lips.

It’s pretty sweet. It tastes so good. Sinfully good, even. And that is exactly why I don’t eat candy. It makes me feel joy. And I don’t deserve joy, not when I’m cursed and holding this whole world from moving on.

A different kind of guilt hits me, even more powerful. Because of me, Max has probably also been killed twenty-eight times. He lives here, so he’s probably one of the victims, one to die because of Felix. And I’m just here enjoying candy with him? I should seek salvation, redemption. I should try my best to stop my curse, let these people move on or rest peacefully in their graves. Not make them come alive over and over again just to die again.

And now that I think about it, during my time here, I have actually enjoyed myself many times. During gardening with Hans, even during my talks in the church with Father Owen. Even with my little escape trip with Felix. I didn’t want to admit it, but I did enjoy it. I enjoyed the company of the murderer, like I totally forgot my sole purpose of seeking God’s help, my sole purpose of trying to break my curse. I should not be doing any of this. I should not be selfish and enjoy people's company like this.

“Lorelia? Are you okay? Was the candy that bad?”

Max’s voice jolts me from my aching thoughts. I smile at him my usual gentle smile.

“No, it was delicious, Max. I just got lost in thought, that’s all.” I get up from the bench. “I should go now. Thank you for your company, Max, and for the candy.”

“Already?” His eyes turn into puppy ones again, clearly wanting me to stay. But I can’t. I can’t enjoy his company anymore.

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

He gets up too, looking dramatically defeated. He kind of reminds me of Felix, being so open about his feelings. I guess that runs in the family.

“Okay… Can I come see you again?” Even the tone of his voice is so sad.

“I—” I choke on my words. I shouldn’t see him. Saying that feels harsh. It’s not because I don’t want to see him or dislike him, I don’t want him to misunderstand. But I also don’t want to lie. I’ve already made too many sins today. So I stick with the truth.

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea.” His face immediately drops, and I feel like a villain. “I do enjoy your company, Max, I really do. But I’m going to leave the palace after the selection, so I’m trying not to get too close to anyone, since I’ll have to leave anyway.”

“But you still have weeks left. And it’s not like we couldn’t see each other after you leave.”

I’m not sure what to say to convince him not to come find me.

“I know. But when I go back home, I’ll spend my days in the temple. So I’m not going to visit this place. I need to be next to God.”

“Well, then I can just visit you in the temple!”

My heart breaks even more from his enthusiasm.

“Max… To be honest, I’m not a person you should be around.”

“Why not?”

“It’s something I can’t explain. I’m just someone you should avoid. I’m not a good person to be around.”

I’m probably the worst person. I doubt anyone else has done something so bad that they’d deserve this kind of punishment, this torment from the Devil.

“Not a good person? What do you mean by that?”

“I’m sorry, Max. I can’t explain. I really need to go.” I bow. “Take care of yourself, Max.”

I turn around and leave. My heart aches, not sure if it’s because I turned Max down or because of the guilt of realizing how much I’ve enjoyed myself here. Of course, there have been many bad things too, many things I have not enjoyed. Like those visions that keep agonizing me every day, like they’re trying to lure me deeper into the pit of sins. I thought I was already so deep that I couldn’t sink any further. But I was clearly wrong. I’m so far from salvation.

A tear slides down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. I don’t even remember the last time I shed tears, probably during my ninth loop or something. Just tuck it in. I can’t let people see what a mess I am nowadays. My self-control is crumbling at a rapid pace during my stay here. Was forgetting to deliver a single letter really that bad of a sin?

A sudden clatter of metal draws me from my thoughts, and I focus on my surroundings. I didn’t even think about where I was walking. I was just wandering aimlessly, lost in my misery. I glance around and spot the training grounds not far away. That explains the noise of metal. When Milna gave me the tour around the palace grounds, we did visit this place. But since then, I’ve never been here. I have no idea why I walked this way.

I soon spot Felix, sparring with some knight.

Crap.

I know Max told me he would be here, so why the hell did I walk here? I need to avoid him, not go see him voluntarily. What the hell is wrong with me? Another jolt of guilt stabs me as I realize I’ve said a bad word three times. I really am beyond salvation. I should turn around and leave. But I don’t. My eyes are locked on Felix. Watching him swing his sword, electricity clearly crackling from it with each swing. His movements are sharp and controlled. I’ve seen his bare chest far too many times, so I know he’s in good shape. But seeing him actually using all of his muscles makes his body look even leaner and more powerful. Even from here, I can see his slightly exhausted breathing and the sweat glistening on his chest. I have no idea why his bare body is so captivating. Like it’s some magnet pulling my eyes toward it. I move my gaze to his face. He looks focused. When I see him in real life or in my visions, he is always looking at me. So it’s pretty weird to look at him without his gaze on me. When his attention is elsewhere, I have the courage to look at him more.

Then reality hits me, the reality that I’m staring at him like some creepy pervert. I swiftly turn around and half-run toward my room. He is a bad man. He is the doom of our country. He has been tormenting me for weeks now. I hate him. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want anything to do with him. So why the hell did I look at him like that?

I really am a bad person.