Master of Minds, Master of Me

“Lorelia! A letter came from the Royal Family!”

I hear my little sister screaming from downstairs. I know that next I’m going to hear my father’s voice, scolding her not to open other’s mail.

“Belia! Give me that. It’s rude to open someone else’s letters. You have to contain your curiosity.”

A faint smile tugs at the corner of my lips as I rise from my chair and head downstairs. I’ve grown used to knowing every tiny thing that is going to happen. Despite my curse, I feel at ease when everything goes as usual.

When I step into our living area, Belia jumps with excitement and clings to my dress.

“Sis! You need to open it, now now now!”

I laugh softly. Belia is only seven years old. And she is vastly different from me. She is so full of energy and life. She is impatient and loud. And I’m more of the quiet type. I enjoy being in the background, left unnoticed. I’m meek and calm.

Was I always like this? I don’t quite remember what I was like as a child anymore.

I open the letter. Of course, I know it’s the invitation to the Queen’s Selection. And Belia’s eyes widen with joy when I read the letter out loud. She starts yelling that she is going to be the sister of a Queen. I crouch down to talk to her.

“Belia. I’m not going to be a Queen.”

Her eyes lock into me with disbelief.

“Why not?”

I smile. “I will request permission not to go. You know my life is devoted to God. I live here to serve Her.”

“But siiiiiis. Being a Queen is so much more fun! I bet you would wear so many pretty clothes!”

I get up and face my father who looks at me with pride. I feel happy when he looks at me like that. I feel like I’m on the right path. Being a daughter of a High Priest has put some expectations on my shoulders. But I would do anything to make my parents happy. My father comes next to me and gives me a hug.

“You truly are our blessing, Lorelia. The God of Creation could never ask for a better follower than you.”

A familiar sting in my heart, like every time my father says those words. If he just knew that I’m cursed, not blessed. Not anymore. But I swallow the feeling and smile warmly at him.

“You are exaggerating, Father. I’m just as good as anyone else. I will go write the response right away.”

Belia yells after me, trying to change my mind like always. But the Palace is the last place I want to be. I can’t serve God there. I can’t try to repay my sins there.

I walk to my room and write the usual response. It eases my mind that I know they will accept this. When the letter is ready, I put it in the pocket of my cloak and head to the city to deliver it to the post office. I could ask for a maid to deliver it, but I want to make sure that it gets there safely.

The summer is almost here. So the cloak might be a little too much since the sun graces us with its presence more warmly every day. But the pockets on the cloak are better, deeper, no risk of the letter flying away or dropping. I stop by the lake on my way. Waiting for that little girl to stumble and almost drop into the water.

Soon her laughter echoes in the air as she runs past me and stumbles. I grab her in time.

“Careful. Falling in is dangerous, the current is quite strong.”

She turns to face me, the shock clearly visible. But soon an awkward smile spreads on her face.

“I’m sorry.”

So cute as always. Her mother comes running and gives the usual thanks. I keep walking toward the city. I do what I always do. Help the lady with the fallen groceries, buy fresh flowers for my windowsill, go visit the orphanage on the way.

I walk past a little church. I visited the Grand Temple this morning like always. I actually have never prayed in that little church. Should I try that?

No. Let’s not change the pattern. I walk a couple of steps more and halt. But would more praying do any harm? I have continued the same strict pattern way over ten times. Maybe I should try to pray in different places.

I turn around and open the church door. It’s empty. I walk close to the altar and kneel. I take my time as I sink into the prayer. I pray that this is the last time I go through with everything.

No. That’s too selfish. I shouldn’t be selfish. I should trust that God knows what is best for me and what I deserve. So I pray for the people. For the poor and unfortunate. I pray for my family.

I get up and continue my journey. Soon I bump into one of the priests in the temple. I always like to talk to the priests, but this time it makes me anxious. I already acted differently from my usual habit, so this feels a little too different. It doesn’t feel right.

I glance at the clock on my wrist. Oh crap! I mean, oh no! I’m late. I excuse myself from the chat and run toward the market area. I can’t be late. I should have known that doing this differently isn’t a good idea.

I run and see the elderly woman crossing the street, the carriage is just about to lose control. I run as fast as I can. And I get there just in time. I grab the woman by the nape of her shirt and pull her back, just before the carriage comes. It’s only inches away from hitting her. She lets out a scream from the sudden act.

When the carriage passes, I let her go.

“I’m so sorry for pulling so hard. I was just scared that the carriage would hit you.” I apologize to her.

Usually I am early enough so I just stop her, asking for directions. Just so I can stall her until the carriage passes. I was sloppy this time. I might have hurt her. How could I almost fail this? I have done this so many times perfectly. No wonder that I’m stuck in this endless loop since I can’t manage to even properly save one person.

“Oh dear. Don’t you apologize, you just saved me. Thank you so much. May I ask your name, young lady?”

I smile gently. I have talked to this woman so many times in the temple. But like I said, I’m an invisible wallflower. Just there in the background, to be seen but not to be remembered. And that’s exactly what I want.

“I’m Lorelia. I hope you are not hurt.”

“Oh of course not. Don’t be silly. Thank you, Lorelia. I will remember your kindness.”

No you won’t, and that’s how it is supposed to be. I don’t need recognition. I’m content. I’m just happy to serve.

“I’m glad to hear that. Let God bless your path so it’s safe from now on.”

I bow to her and take my leave.

I’m content. I’m content. I tell it to myself like a mantra. Making myself believe that.

The rest of the day goes as usual. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t think my heart could have taken any more abnormal incidents. When I get back home, I go visit our greenhouse. I was born with nature mana, so maybe that’s why I have always enjoyed the company of plants and flowers. They bring me peace. I water them and let my magic run through the soil. Giving them a little bit more power to grow.

I go sit in the garden before heading inside.

I love summer since all the flowers bloom. The incoming summer is going to be pretty eventful for our country. The Queen’s Selection will happen. Of course every noble family expects their daughter to be chosen. Not knowing that the one who will get chosen is just going to end up being killed by the Crown Prince. I wonder who gets to suffer that fate this time.

Most of the things stay the same every time I go through these two years over and over again. But not all. There are some things that change. And the selected future Queen is one of those things.

When I first got back in time after I died, I thought it was a message from God. That I was destined to change something. Do something for our country. And I tried. I tried to warn everyone about the Crown Prince. Telling how he would end up killing everyone in the Royal Palace. But that didn’t end well and I was charged with treason. I tried other methods too, but never succeeded. This summer the dragon will wake in the Dark Wild, I tried to warn about that too. But no one believed me. Just thought I was crazy. The Master of the Mage Tower will slay the dragon. But it will first destroy and burn many places and many lives will be lost before that.

Every time I have tried to change something big from happening, it has only backfired. Causing me even more misery. But I have managed to do little things. Like earlier today. So I will focus on what I can do and won’t be too greedy. Since I can’t change the fate of our country. That is clearly not in my hands.

Living the same years over and over again has taught me how I can do it most peacefully. This is my 29th loop. I think I have lived the years exactly the same way 18 or 19 times. Just focusing on being faithful, content, and a good person and giving my life to serve God. And I still have faith that if I deserve it, God will help me remove the curse tormenting me. Since God is stronger than the Devil.

I let out a heavy sigh and get up. The sun is about to disappear on the horizon. One more day has passed. One day closer to death.

---

One month later:

“Lorelia Lorelia!!!”

Belia’s loud voice behind my door startles me. She shouldn’t be doing that. This has never happened before. What is going on? I feel my anxiety rising as I walk toward my door to open it. I have an extremely bad feeling about this.

Belia’s bright smile shines when I open the door and she is carrying a letter in her hand. And I immediately recognize the seal on it. I stop to breathe as I just stare at the letter.

“Sis!! A letter came from the Palace again!!! They must want you as a Queen!”

I try to smile, to hide my anxiety.

“Don’t be silly Belia. I already sent the letter that I’m not going there. I’m sure this is something different.”

I feel my hands shake as I open the letter. Please be something different.

Lady Lorelia, we welcome you to stay at the Royal Palace during the Queen’s Selection.

My heart drops when the shock goes through me. It rattles every bone within me. I just stare at the letter. Like it was a message directly from the Devil. It specifies the details, when and where, what I am allowed to take with me, the rules of the Palace, and so on.

How is this possible? They have always accepted my request not to come. What happened? What did I do wrong? Did I write the letter wrong?

The letter.

I delivered it, right?

I jolt to my closet, rummaging to find my cloak. That was the last day I used it. After that, it got so warm that I didn’t need it. I find the cloak and put my hand inside the pocket and feel the envelope touching my fingers.

Please tell me this is a nightmare. How could I forget to deliver the letter? How was I so sloppy? I have never forgot to deliver the letter.

Was this destiny’s revenge for drifting from my path? Deciding to pray at the small church? To stop and talk to that priest? Did the Devil do this? Or God? Or was it just purely my own fault?

I don’t even know whose fault I want this to be. Every option is equally bad. I hear Belia’s footsteps behind me.

“Sis? Was the letter something bad?”

Bad? It was way worse than just bad. I turn to face her and give my usual faint smile.

“It’s just a misunderstanding. I will figure this out.”

“Misunderstanding for what?” She asks, confused.

“They are inviting me for the Queen’s Selection. My letter clearly didn’t reach the Palace.”

Her eyes widen and a huge smile forms on her lips.

“You are going to the Palace! Sis you really are going to become a Queen!”

“No I’m not. I’m not going there.”

I immediately start to write a letter to the Palace. I’m sure I’m panicking for nothing. Surely they will still let me drop out. The Selection starts in one week, so there is still enough time. Belia just starts running in the hallway, yelling about me being a Queen. But I focus on the letter, I need to deliver this quickly.

When I finish and close the envelope I run downstairs and face my mother on the stairs.

“Lorelia, what is Belia talking about?” My mother asks with a worried expression.

“Nothing to worry about. My letter about wanting to drop out from the Selection clearly didn’t reach the Palace. Since they just sent me instructions for attending the Selection. I’m just heading to send a new letter.”

“Oh. Honey, are you sure you don’t want to attend? You know we are just fine with you attending.”

I’m absolutely sure. My whole body trembles just from the thought of going there.

“I’m sure. You know that I want to devote myself to God.”

“I know. And I do admire that. But you need to remember to live your own life too. I mean going there doesn’t mean you have to become a Queen. It could be a nice experience. You have always spent most of your time at the temple or doing good deeds. Sometimes you need to do something for yourself too.”

Myself? I don’t think I even understand the concept of that. I need to serve God, to be a good person. That’s the only way to break free from the curse.

“I’m living for myself right now. This is what I want, this is what makes me happy.”

She eyes me like she doesn’t really believe me. But luckily she doesn’t push it.

“If you say so honey.”

I smile at her and excuse myself and head to the city. I head straight to the post office and pay a little extra so that they would deliver the letter today.

On my way back home I stop by the river. I still feel my heavy heartbeats. I just can’t believe how I forgot to send the letter out. Maybe giving it to the maid would be a better option after all. I lean back on a bench and look at the sky.

Please God. Please let them accept my absence.

---

I’m getting nervous. It’s been two days and still no response from the Palace. I have spent most of my time at the temple. I need to occupy my mind so I don’t get anxious about what might come in the future. Right now I’m trying to calm myself while gardening. We have a real gardener too, but I help him a lot. Only because I enjoy it. The presence of nature makes my body relax, even though my mind is so far from relaxing.

The hem of my dress is pretty muddy from all the crouching among the flowers. Dinner time is soon, so I guess I need to freshen up before that. I leave the flowers and head upstairs to my room.

Should I send a new letter? Maybe deliver it myself all the way to the Palace?

I open my room door and immediately spot the letter on my desk. My body halts as fear consumes me. I take a deep breath and walk toward it. I grab it and stare at the seal of the Royal Family.

Come on, open it. It’s not going to open itself you know. The answer inside is not going to change because you keep staring at it.

I force my fingers to move and open the envelope and lift the paper inside with shaky hands. I slowly open the paper and I feel like the Devil has swallowed me. Devoured my soul.

They denied it. Saying I was too late.

I was too late.

I close my eyes and just try to focus on my breathing. Trying to just suck in the information that I’m going to the Palace. Try to reason this.

I know the Crown Prince isn’t going to go nuts while the Selection is going on, it comes later. So going there now doesn’t mean I will end up witnessing that. And my family is pretty much lower-rank nobles, so it’s not like anyone would actually want me there to be a Queen. So there is no worry of that happening. And I’m a wallflower after all. They barely notice me there. I won’t stick in anyone’s eye. I’m pretty mediocre in every way. I’m not extremely intelligent, I’m not very talented in anything. I know the basics of course. I’m not pretty, I’m not ugly. I’m mediocre. So it’s going to be fine. I will just go there, deal with the training and come back to my normal life. Come back to serve God.

Even though I tell myself all that, my hands are still shaking while holding the letter. Five days from now I’m going to experience something I haven’t. Not even once. And that thought scares me. The unknown scares me.

But I just have to face it, handle it and survive it. Then I go back to my normal routine. Helping others, praying. Living with bare minimum, not asking anything for myself. Just living for God and for God’s creations. I’m content.

I’m content.