Flip the Coin [BL]

Henry’s POV

If this was his memory of the circus, this woman had to naturally be his mother.

How often did I bypass them on my numerous ways in and out of the tent?

I had only recently thought of finding his little self instead of the adult man, never expecting it would be his tiny self that would hide here.

This was a baby, a toddler of maybe 2-3 years old.

No, nothing about this held any importance.

Wiping the tears spilling from my eyes, I removed the hood covering my head and made sure my dog ears were in place.

"Tiny love, it’s me, your puppy." No matter how hard I tried to sound composed, my voice broke.

I took a breath, wiping my face again with my sleeve, my other hand still on his back.

"Will you come to me? Will you come into my arms?"

The child didn’t move, nor did the woman holding him.

I found no resemblance to Kenny’s mother in her, maybe because of the smudged face or just because his memory of her had long faded.

"It’s not time yet for us to meet your mother, my tiny love." I cautiously stroked his back.

"We still have..." Letting go of another trembling breath, I told him,

"So much to do before we can go see her." I wiped my eyes with my arm when my view blurred yet again.

Taking more deep breaths, I tried to stop myself from forcing him out of her grasp in fear of hurting him yet again.

"Will you watch the circus with me? We don’t have to leave. I just want to hold you for a bit."

Nothing, just the warmth of his back as he clung to his mother.

"It was scary, wasn’t it? I know it was. We don’t have to fly again." I bent over and whispered, trying to coax him to give up the spot he unconsciously chose to feel safe.

I know it; I have seen it. The agony he had felt when the plane fell. How each time someone called his name, he felt overwhelmed, helpless, and lost.

Nobody can carry the responsibility he and the others were placing on him.

No wonder he broke and searched for safety.

And when he had looked at me, radiating fear and shock, I knew something was wrong with his power, that he wasn’t able to do what he always did—although he didn’t need to.

He just needed to stay by my side, not saving anyone but himself.

And yet machines failed him, electricity failed him, his own power failed him, and he believed that he was in the midst of failing everyone he knew on this plane—their expectations, their hope, and their reliance.

What could be more shattering for a hero?

For a benevolent god?

"You were so brave..." I thought of what I had witnessed on the carousel—in the prisoner showers.

"You held on so well..."

"So handsome ..."

"So smart..."

"So cool..."

"So clever of you to just swoop everyone into this place, guarding them so that everyone is safe." They should instead all just die.

I clenched my jaw and wiped my face yet again, trying to dispel the darkness inside me.

"Nobody is angry; nobody is disappointed, my love."

No, that is not right. I am angry at everyone adding to the pressure on you.

How dare they constantly proclaim him their savior?

Why not save yourself or just die??

"You did so well; you were splendid, just like always."

"But you don’t have to be so good." I bent in further in hope of getting a glimpse of that tiny face.

"I like this small self of yours that is hiding just the same." Just...

We have to hide together.

"I always wanted to see your younger self. It was as if I had missed so much of your life." I thought of the fantasy of us growing up together that I had often played in my mind.

"Come to my arms, tiny love. I will carry you and never let you down." Suppressing the lump in my throat, I stroked over his hair with my other hand.

"Let’s watch the circus together, shall we?" I placed my hands under his arms, hoping he would let go to cling to me instead.

"Look, your mom’s arms are already tired, while I am strong and bursting with energy."

I prayed and chanted, using as little force as possible while feeling the small ribcage breathing under my hands.

I cautiously tried to pry him away and saw in return as he slowly let go.

My heart thundered in my chest, but I tried to remain steady and move calmly.

Her neck became visible as he gave her freedom, and my eyes fell on a small golden necklace with a locket as big as a fingernail, showing the Holy Mary.

I furrowed my brows, but then I finally had him lifted fully and turned him around, seeing the cutest, most adorable, most beautiful little face.

His red eyes had turned violet, reminding me of an amethyst.

He seemed expressionless, tired.

When I buried him in my arms, he circled his small arms around my neck in the most adorable way.

My heart trembled as I tightened my arms around him.

So small...

Breathing in his scent, it was just like I knew it from him but much more immature—like a bun that had to leave the oven too soon, with the smell of dough still clinging to it.

"Hi... hello, tiny love... Hi, Baby Kenny," I whispered, overjoyed, while slowly rocking my body, instinctively trying to soothe the inner turmoil the violet in his eyes foreshadowed.

When I looked up again, the woman with the smudged face was gone, but I couldn’t care less.

While holding the tiny warmth as close to me as possible, I turned around and glanced at the man with the whip who should stand behind Kitty up there on the platform.

He was gone as well, and so was everyone with a smudged face in the audience.

I turned around and walked out of the circus tent.

With one hand hugging him close to me and my other on the back of his head, I felt his small breaths on my neck.

"How are you so lovely?" I kissed the top of his head, the fine blonde hairs, and breathed in his scent again.

Past the spot where the clown had been, past the spot the giant on stilts would show up after a reset, I took the right dirt path.

I felt the small wrist on the back of my neck and found it healed.

"I am sorry for hurting you."

I am so sorry.

Ignoring the voices, ignoring the music, my feet moved without any destination in mind, just focused on the little wonder in my arms.

"So lovely." I again placed my lips on top of his head and put my hand on his back while walking amidst the many faces now that the smudges all seemed to have gone.

Maybe because his position from the memory had now deviated.

Maybe not.

It didn’t matter.

When we passed the state attorney’s corpse, I turned to the side and shielded Kenny so that he wouldn’t have to see it.

If he had been in his adult form, I would have shown off my feat with pride and asked for pets and praises, but his tiny self had no reason to see anything ugly.

When the dirt path threatened to end, I turned left again, stepping in between the wagons to the forest, as I suddenly found the people here all too ugly for him to see.

Fearing they were too loud, the forest seemed much more perfect.

The sun flitted through the leaves, the forest smelled as if it had rained not long ago, and the sounds of the circus were slowly ceasing.

"We can stay in this space if you want..." I whispered.

"As long as it isn’t hurting you, I don’t mind..."

Is it hurting you...?

Not feeling the body in my arms move, I tried to lean back to look at Baby Kenny’s face, but his small arms around me increased their strength, holding onto me tightly.

"If you want to stay here, I will raise you." With each step I took, the circus music diminished, and a different tune from ahead became more prominent.

The sun was setting, but I didn’t notice this fact at that moment.

Instead, I thought of building a hut or moving into one of the tents with Baby Kenny.

I had seen a few toys for kids in the small tent with my parents; maybe his semi-conscious or unconscious tiny self would like them.

"I will watch over you and make sure that you grow safely until we meet again." Just this time, we would have known each other much longer.

I can wait.

I don’t mind.

Just don’t leave me.

Soon the sky had darkened, and the music ahead of us became louder.

I wiped my eyes and ignored the fear bubbling up in the pit of my stomach while stepping towards the campfire, where the song played.

Lanterns surrounded us, the stars were shining brightly, I was reunited with Kenny, and the music was beautiful.

Nobody else was here around the campfire, just us and a bunch of beautiful flowers; most of them were from the little bouquet he brought from his talk with his grandmother—daisies, dandelions, and poppies.

I swallowed the lump and wiped my face again.

"You want to dance, my tiny love?"

The arms on my neck removed themselves, and I slowly placed the little figure so that he was standing atop my feet while taking his small hands.

He finally looked less listless, looking directly into my eyes.

The small face broke into a smile, his brownish-red eyes twinkling.

I grinned back and took a small step forward, with him standing on top of my feet, then a small step back.

I closed my eyes to regain a clear vision after my view blurred again and felt the weight on my feet increase.

When I opened them again, I was looking at an about six-year-old version of Kenny.

He smirked, showing a glimpse of the expression he would make so handsomely as a man.

He stepped down from my feet and leaned back, letting go of one of my hands.

I smiled back, my tears falling.

I raised my arm to see him twirl, witnessing him aging to his nine-year-old self.

Taking his other hand back, I stepped forward, then back, and raised my arm to let him twirl again.

The music played, and I blinked my tears away in an attempt to not miss even a second of what happened in front of me.

The smirk turned from childish to mischievous as I twirled him again, seeing a young teenager.

Step back, step forward. I raised my arm to the melody surrounding us.

The lanterns slowly turned off one after another, and I let go of a trembling breath.

I twirled him, around fourteen; soon we would meet again.

The dread intensified as I watched with a smile as he grinned and looked back at me as if I were the only one for him—the only one in his world.

My hand clutched his: step forward, step back.

My arm raised, twirling him, and I saw him grin widely, his eyes turning red.

Soon tattoos grew over his neck and arms, and his hair became longer.

The lanterns were now all out.

I chuckled breathlessly, my eyes stinging from the tears spilling, not wanting it to end.

My hoodie disappeared.

Please don’t let it end.

The stars didn’t provide any more light.

The campfire was slowly going out as he finished growing, but I could nevertheless see clearly in the dark.

The song came to its end.

I grabbed the back of his neck, bending down with him in my arms, seeing only the bright smile.

Our surroundings changed.

We stood amidst the remains of a burning plane wreckage—I knew it without looking away from him.

I watched under my blurred vision as blood seeped from his nose, mouth, and ears, but his eyes didn’t leave mine for even a second.

Not even when his breathing slowed to then stop.

Not even when the bright red dimmed lifelessly.

Not even when I felt the pulse under my touch stopping, accompanying the heavy silence around us.