Chapter 120: End of The Count
Our feet took us over to Luminary City; through the hustle and bustle of the streets, past the cafe 'Journey's End' that Hilda had wanted to visit long, long ago, but Vanessa's pleas won over at the time.
Instead, that day, we ended up at Starcrossed Alley.
At Sparkles, where I ended up dressed up in cute clothing, to my dismay. Yulei and Hilda had glued themselves to the Remmy outfits, while Jill had escaped Vanessa's grasp of getting put in a skirt.
Good memories.
Standing hand in hand in front of Sparkles, we crossed gazes, chuckled, then moved on. We walked towards the park in front of St. Nuevae's Clinic.
As usual, families were out and about enjoying picnics, and children were running around playing tag and ball games. Some kids were with their mothers, feeding the animals in the pond bits of food.
It was harmonious.
I even spotted the bathroom where I ran into Senuela and Leon again on my way out.
Memories.
So many memories.
Almost all the ones I remembered were stuffed with joy.
The bad, terrible memories were repressed, hidden away.
Or, broken.
Shattered into a million pieces in my mind.
Perhaps even the good memories, I can't tell. I wouldn't be able to remember even if I had lost some of the good memories.
"Esme." Drifting through Luminary City, I eventually spoke up.
"Yes, sister?"
"It hurt a lot. The Curses. Even walking hurts. Even breathing hurts. Every time my heart beats, it hurts."
"Mhm."
"Esme, we can't go back."
"No, we can't."
"I can't go back. I can't return your Curses."
"No, you can't."
I tugged at Esme's hand and paused our walking for a moment. Tilting my head at the sky; at the aurora, "I'm a monster."
This time, Esme didn't respond immediately.
My heart dropped instantly; like an anchor pulling me into the ground, a sense of suffocation thrust me into the depths of my inky, despair-ridden mind.
"No."
But then, her simple 'No'. That rejection of my statement.
"...No?"
"No, you're not a monster. Alora, you're my sister. My blood. You're not a monster."
"But-"
"Alora." She stopped me.
"You are Alora. You aren't, and never will be, a monster. If anything, the ones who turned you into this are the monsters."
Staring down at me with drooping eyes and a downturned, sorrowful smile, "Alora, children cannot be blamed for the transgressions of adults."
"You, we, can't be blamed."
She tightened her grip on my hand.
"Only they can be blamed."
A weight naturally came sliding off my shoulders. The weight of years of worry, the weight of my self-loathing, the weight of fear.
All of it came off.
My sister told me I am not a monster.
The girl I love told me that I am me.
What better outcome could I ask for?
Smiling brightly back at my sister—not through a mask, not through two eyeholes, and not through a verbal response either, but a smile.
A natural smile.
I gave my sister what I should have given her 9 years ago, on the day we were first reunited.
On the day I became a Perfect Cursed Doll.
On the day I had accepted my fate, and on the day I had come to terms with the fact that I had given up.
This smile was one I owed her countless times over.
Esme returned my smile with one of her own, a smile that radiated her Blessed, perfect beauty. The beauty of my lovely twin sister.
All she called me was, "Pretty."
But just that was enough for me.
More than enough.
-----
Snow-white plains caked the lands before us as our carriage rolled through the hilly plains. Hilda sat on my right, Esme was right in front of me, and beside her was Lily.
It was a fitting seating composition; Lily could keep an eye on my Hilda, and Esme could keep an eye on her Alora, me.
A dense and solemn atmosphere shrouded us.
Nonetheless, having accustomed myself to the horrors of this Crucible, I took the initiative to nudge Hilda. She looked at me with quizzical eyes, but I just pointed at her ear.
Understanding my motion, she lowered her head.
Pushing my lips to her earlobes, I whispered with a warm breath, "Are you fine?"
Hilda shivered slightly, then she nodded.
"Did you say goodbye properly?"
Again, Hilda nodded.
"No regrets?"
This time, Hilda didn't nod.
She flinched.
Sighing, I pulled back slightly and patted her arm gently, "Do you want to go back?" I spoke in a slightly higher voice, but still quiet enough to remain out of Lily's ears. Not Esme's, though; she could hear me no matter how softly I spoke.
Hilda shook her head. She wanted to go, whether it was to be with me or to stay by her friends' sides...
It's definitely to be with me.
I'm confident in my value in Hilda's heart. Surely she's coming along for the sake of remaining by my side... Right? Surely?
I ended up getting on my own nerves with these insecurities, to the point where I had to sneak my hand onto Hilda's and latch onto it. It was soft, warm, and soothing to my scattered, demented little brain.
That's better.
Relaxing my self-inflicted tense nerves, I melted into the cushions of my seat and glanced over at Esme for a second.
She's looking at me with weird eyes.
Esme's eyes flicked between the hand that was interlaced with Hilda's and my face; I don't know what's going on through her brain, but I can guess.
Her cheeks weren't flushed, and she also wasn't fidgeting. Instead, Esme was oddly... Stale. As though she were hovering over an ocean of nothingness, unaware, unassuming, but also lost.
She's conflicted over her emotions.
Over her love for me.
A love that she scantily recognises, but is wary of nonetheless.
Sighing, I had to convince myself that it was fine; that, soon enough, she'd come to accept these emotions and reciprocate my feelings.
199,998,040Butisitnormalforsister'stobeinlove-199,998,832
I can't wait for it.
Anyways, I promptly knocked myself asleep.
We still had a journey ahead of us, and I wanted to be in good condition for it.
-----
With Esme carrying an unconscious Lily on her back, the three of us stood before the final stretch towards the veil of black and white, towards what was in their eyes an endless plain of snow.
I tapped the snow beneath my feet. The sensation of the powdered, crunchy texture sizzled through my Cursed body.
"Are you ready?" Hilda tapped my back.
"And you?" I tapped her back with a smirk.
"What about you?" Then Esme proceeded to join in on the fun; a flicker of lightning shone for a split second before Esme reappeared by Hilda's side and tapped her back.
Hilda creakily twisted her head and stared at Esme's 'innocent' face, "You didn't have to go that far, did you?"
Esme, still smiling, "Yes, I did. I wanted to."
Awkwardly maintaining eye contact with the other shameless twin, Hilda eventually scratched her head lightly and took charge onward. It seems like she wasn't interested in continuing the staring contest any longer.
"Come on. Follow along." Beckoning the twins, us, on, Hilda's footsteps trailed into the snowy hills.
Shrugging, I tapped Esme's arm and followed in Hilda's steps.
All the while counting-
199,998,901
199,998,979
199,998,999
...
The veil drew closer and closer.
The urges grew stronger and stronger.
I wanted to toss myself into the veil.
I wanted to become one with the veil.
But my Profaned self held on.
I was no longer a measly Second Step; I can now just barely resist the urges.
"It's normal plains in your vision as well now, isn't it, Hilda?" Esme asked Hilda from behind; it was a stark jolt to my memory.
Right.
The other can't see this veil, let alone the snowy, hilly plains that Esme is talking about.
"It is. It feels weird, I genuinely used to see the Prowling Lands—the abyss. But now... It's just snowy plains. But where is the entrance?" Hilda glanced towards me with that final question, but I merely shrugged.
The others knew, but I didn't. I hadn't been there since, and I could only rely on Esme to show the way.
"Just follow me, we'll be there soon." Tucking Lily closer to her back, she gripped her thighs firmly and took the lead.
We followed behind her for half an hour through the snow.
Through the Souls-
Through-
Soon enough, Esme stopped.
It was still endless snow before us, but Esme turned towards us and nudged her head towards thin air, "The entrance is here. Go on in."
Hilda was about to speak up-
"Off you go."
-but I pushed her back and shoved her in before she went on another tangent.
With Hilda gone, only Esme, Lily, and I remained in the Crucible of Light.
I swivelled on my feet and planted both hands behind my back. Interlacing my fingers, I gazed backwards at the Crucible; at the years of memories.
I glanced at Esme; I glanced at Lily, then I glanced upwards.
I stared at the Aurora.
At the horror that is the Aurora.
Then, listening to the countless voices, to the countless screeching, begging children, adults, elderly, and dismembered, jagged screeches, I mumbled;
I uttered:
"200,000,000."
Then, I stepped backwards into the entrance.
Into the quiet.
From now on, no more voices, no more begging.
Just me and the Souls embedded firmly in my shattered world of shards.