Chapter 94: Who Is To Blame?
Where did it go wrong?
When did I forget my purpose, my goals?
At what point had I forgotten that these are real people; at what point did I group them up as merely a cohort that will be accompanying us, and not as Humans?
Why did I do that?
Why?
I could have told Yulei years ago and helped her figure something out to prevent her from degrading, from losing more of her soul.
But I didn't.
I could have told Esme about what our mother had turned me into; I could have had her help all along.
But I didn't.
I could have easily snuck information onto Nemora so she'd be on my side; so she could help the others process the devastating news better.
But I didn't.
"..."
The fingers wrapped around my waist tightened; they dug into my flesh.
When did I become so greedy? So Selfish?
At what point did I get it stuck in my head that I was doing this for everyone; at what point did I stick myself as the tragic protagonist?
...Ah.
The black sprout within my chest cavity; in the core of my being;
It swayed.
It gleefully cackled with manic laughter.
From the beginning.
I always considered myself special.
A reincarnator.
The twin sister of Esme.
A Perfect Cursed Doll.
...And who was the one who led me further down this path?
...Who perfected me?
Mother?
No.
It wasn't mother.
I recognised it immediately.
The cackles of madness brewing in the depths of my chest.
The one that had been leading me down all of these incorrect choices.
The one that revealed its 'face' on the fateful day that revealed my broken self to Esme.
This play of madness.
This theatrical performance of this faulty, little creature-
Always, from the very beginning, from the start of my pathetic existence to this fateful day;
It's been you.
It's always been you.
Madness.
The personification of madness.
Our father.
It.
My downfall has been its perfect play.
I had to take a deep breath to ease the sprout of madness giggling gleefully in my chest. Anything that I could quickly do to prevent myself from spiralling, I did.
Measured breathing, brief flashes of meditation; anything.
Nevertheless, I had to do something at this moment.
As Esme stared at me from beyond Nemora's towering body, as Yulei and Vanessa shared in their grief, as Elden and Jill sat with scrunched, nigh-deranged faces, and all the while Hildekar stared blankly with stunned, empty eyes-
"I'm sorry."
I apologised.
That's what I had to do at the moment-
No, it was the only thing I could do. It was the first step in recovering from this mess that I had created out of thin air.
"An apology isn't enough." Shaking her head, Nemora stepped away and walked towards the two grieving girls.
I was left alone in Hilda's embrace; I was left with Esme's blazing eyes smouldering with crackling, wrathful flickers of lightning.
The fingers planted on my waist trickled upwards to my face, slipped beneath the mask, and clasped my face.
Hilda's soft fingers gently caressed my skin, "Little dummy."
"...Mhm?" I mumbled.
"I trust you with my life. It's yours." Her mouth lowered to my ear as she spoke those reassuring words with a whispery breath.
Being pulled far deeper into Hilda's crushingly warm embrace, my eyes turned upwards at the second person to come up to me.
Arguably, the most important person in this vast cavern.
"Sister..."
Esme gently twirled her head left and right. She raised her right hand and dampened my agitated breath. Then, my dear sister spoke:
"Alora."
My heart teetered on the brink of crumbling into worthless pieces; don't hate me, please, not you.
Staring down at me, into my ugly soul-
"I won't forgive you."
-she broke the fragile thread holding this vile creature's puppet self.
I fell.
Not literally, but metaphorically.
My heart; my soul; my self.
The madness that had sprouted in my chest reared its head with shrieks of insanity.
Those judgmental golden eyes pierced into me as she balled her fists with palpable anger; unquenchable rage.
"Because there is nothing to forgive."
...Huh?
Esme smiled at me, her lips curled up with wrathful sorrow.
"Why would I blame you? My dear sister?"
Shaking her head, Esme promptly lowered herself to me. She crouched mere centimetres away, allowing the fragrant scent of fruits and flowers to waft into me.
Then.
Staring into my soul.
Speaking with enlightenment flickering in the depths of her eyes-
"A child should not be blamed for the transgressions of the adults."
Esme uttered the simple truth.
The undeniable truth.
Children cannot be blamed for the transgressions of the adults.
Alora, I, could not be blamed.
But I'm an adult-
"Alora. We can't be blamed. Neither you nor I."
Esme proceeded to point at the cohort lingering behind her with mixtures of emotions, "Nor can they be blamed-" Then, pointing at Hilda, "-nor your Sword Maid, Hilda."
"Also, don't blame Nemora for speaking harshly, I implore you."
Raising her lips with regret and helplessness, "It's her Curse. Her sole Curse. A Curse of demented proportions."
Glancing back in my direction, "...Perhaps in this Domain of Light, only a few hold Curses of worse proportions. Right?"
Click.
Something in my brain clicked.
Clack.
A button, perhaps?
Click.
Or, was it the rotation of a wheel-
Clack.
-a gear.
"Yes, mother."
It came out.
Naturally, mechanically, inhumanely.
This Doll's words slipped from its mouth nonchalantly, familiarly, normally. Two words, yet these very words stank with the pungence of puppetry.
Esme's lips flickered.
The hands on my face retracted to my waist; they pulled me deeper.
Esme's eyes flickered with flames imbued with her rage.
Hilda's mouth moved over to my scalp and pecked it.
Because both of them recognised it.
...Both of the people I loved the most understood, to a terrifying level of clarity, that I was a broken little thing.
To Hilda, this wasn't new.
But to Esme, to the one I had been keeping in the dark for the entirety of our short lives-
Thud.
She collapsed to her knees, dirtying her black stockings and ripping her knee-length skirt. Her hands dropped lifelessly onto her thighs, clenching softly, weakly, into fists.
Her throat hiccuped as she stared into my eyes.
Liquid glazed her eyes-
Gulp.
-but then she swallowed it.
Her fists tightened with compressed, pulsating Blessing-imbued fire and lightning. Sparks flickered from her hands, filling the air between us with fireworks drenched in Esme's emotions.
Then, Esme loosened her balled fists.
She released the fire and lightning and reached for my head with a slim smile.
Squish.
Placing her hands on the sides of my head, she leaned over and planted her forehead on the silver-white face of the mask.
"They did this to you, didn't they?" The calmness in Esme's voice sent shivers crackling down my spine.
She was too calm, especially for a girl who'd just realised her whole life was a lie; for a girl who loved her parents; for a girl who now knew what those very same parents had done to her dear sister.
"I chose to-"
"Shh."
Esme hushed my panicked words.
"You are not to blame."
The ocean of starlight swimming in Esme's golden eyes soothed my soul.
"You are not at fault."
Caressing the sides of my face, she leaned slightly to my left and tucked her mouth into my ear.
"And I will never forgive them."
...At that time.
All those years ago, I couldn't see Esme's eyes.
I couldn't comprehend the pain that I had imprinted into my lovely Esme.
I couldn't even understand what I had truly done.
And I had yet to comprehend the magnitude of the consequences of my actions.
Thus.
I missed it.
The growing madness.
"I won't let you fall any further, dear sister."
"And..."
Whispering deeper into my ears, in a voice too quiet for even Hilda's hearing to catch:
"...I'm sorry."
Biting her lips, Esme pulled back and revealed a smile once more to me.
But then-
"Let's get to work then, shall we?!" Cheerfully patting my paralysed body, Esme rolled her shoulders and stretched her taut limbs.
All of the tension, anxiety, and worries bubbling in the air popped.
She crushed it into smithereens; sister...
I made my decision at that moment:
"Fine. I'll tell you everything after we take our Third Step, before exiting the Crucible of Light; before then, it's better if I stay quiet. Not because I want to hide anything from you, but because the Third Step is too important to be interrupted."
I glanced over the others temporarily, "They also have to reach the Third Step, otherwise their Authority will remain too low. But they should have enough time, right, Hilda?"
"Yep! More than enough time; just watch, I'll hit the Third Step before you reach 130 centimetres in height! Or 30kg in weight!"
This cheeky bitch.
Grinning and chuckling all together, Esme patted Hilda's shoulder with a laugh in her voice, "Alright, come on, pick her up. Let's get this over and done with already."
My body was immediately swung up and into a princess carry. Once again, I was tall enough to stare down at my adorable sister, "I'm taller than you now~"
"Certainly~" Esme joked back, then beckoned us to follow her over to the rest of the cohort.
At this moment, Nemora stood behind Yulei's wheelchair. She temporarily took Vanessa's position to give the girl a chance to recover her powers.
Vanessa grumpily stood beside the boys with her arms crossed. Her eyes oogled me with malice from afar. Jill and Elden were holding the girl back from blowing her fuse and attacking me on the spot.
I still have no idea what her problem is.
...But I can't pry.
Vanessa is a Human.
She's a person.