Chapter 52: Violently, Erratically
Amid this alternating current of black and white, I soon realised I could swim.
But not dive, or rise.
Only swim, and not left or right, only forwards, and if I exert a lot of energy, I could wade backwards at a slow rate.
I can swim with the current or against the current...
Still, I'm quite lost...
Moments ago, I was lying in bed, falling apart with Curses and drugs, then the next second, my mind blanked out, and I woke up in this stream.
And I still feel weird...
It felt like my brain was actively melting into this stream of black and white, like I was becoming one with this dream.
My thoughts were drooping, and my brain had slowed drastically.
Where am I... Seriously...
Yawning, I slowly spun in this black and white, alternating between the two. It felt so comfortable, so soothing.
Like mother's embrace...
Now that I think about it, though, as I pass along this current, as I let myself loose in the waves:
What is that thing...?
My eyes aimed upwards.
No matter whether it was black.
I stared closely at that thing.
No matter if it was white.
I stared at the three things.
What is that...?
Closely...
Slowly...
Across what felt like days...
I stared...
And they...
...
Huh...
...
They stared back.
...I know what those things are.
I remembered what they were.
The three upside-down crosses.
The pure white eyes stared down at me.
They were from the bathroom, the things I saw...
Say...
I opened my lips for the first time.
"What are you?"
No.
"Who are you?"
I barely released these words past the constant nagging of drowsiness.
I don't know why, and I don't understand why this is happening either, but:
I feel like if I don't ask, I'll forever regret it.
That understanding cemented itself into my brain. This primal, fundamental understanding that I must question the unquestionable.
That I must do so or else...
Weshallsuffer.
Then.
As I alternated between black and white.
As I swam down this stream.
As I stared into the white of the upside-down crosses.
Somehow, using a method I could not possibly comprehend.
They.
They...
They...?
Spoke...?
Spoke?
Did they speak?
Or did they convey...?
...
Yes.
They conveyed.
Just one comprehensible word.
The single real word amid hundreds of jumbled words.
They uttered:
[Crucible.]
Thus.
I heard.
I understood.
I comprehended.
...And I exploded.
Violently.
Erratically.
Into a garbled mess of thousands of pieces of flesh, left, right, up, down-
Brain matter.
Splattered eyeballs.
Intestines.
Stomach.
Flesh.
Flayed skin.
Pieces;
Bits;
A mess;
Pain.
Pain like nothing before.
A burn.
A burn like nothing before.
Then-
Then-!
Then-!!!
...
I awoke.
-----
I opened my eyes to the light.
Not the infinite light, not the light of the upside-down crosses, but real, natural light.
My heavy body felt oddly clean at the moment, like it had been cleansed of all filth. At least, cleansed of everything but the never-ending flow of Curses rushing through my veins.
Turning my eyes to the left, I spotted the person I both desired to see and feared to see.
Hey, you, you're finally awake...
I half expected her to spout that legendary opening line from that one game I've long forgotten the name of.
Instead, I receive an empty, hollow, and profoundly melancholic gaze.
It hurt.
It stabbed straight into my chest.
Yet, funnily enough, I understood that if I opened my mouth, if I spouted the truth of this 'illness' of mine...
I'd break her.
So I'll take this sad Esme over a broken Esme any day of the week.
"Morning." I decided to break the silence.
And, Esme, silently staring at me, nodded with chapped lips, "Yes, good morning, dear sister..." Although from the angle of the light and the tint, it was most likely the evening.
But I digress.
Feeling the bedsheets clearly between my fingertips; my gloves are off. I noticed that obvious fact.
My hands were exposed.
Oh well.
Better than my face.
"...Dear sister. I do not mean to hurt you with these words, but you have been fine recently, haven't you?" Esme's quivering voice latched onto my heart, stabbing it deep.
"So..."
Esme crunched her teeth.
"...Why? What happened? Are you okay? Did it get worse? What's the issue? The doctor also does not understand the underlying cause of this flare-up..."
Worried words flurried out of Esme's mouth, ironically warming my wounded heart. Speaking of, it wasn't the brightest idea to overdose on drugs with an already damaged heart, but-
It was worth it.
I, undeniably, unequivocally, believe that it was worth it.
WhatapatheticlittlecreatureIam.
Holding back the cackles, I promptly answered Esme's question in a hoarse voice.
"I'm okay, Cough! This was, Cough! An accident, my fault, it won't, Cough! Happen again. Don't worry." I smiled beneath the mask, a grim, ugly smile.
A smile packed with filthy lies.
Slip.
And, in exchange for these lies, Esme interlaced her fingers with mine. Her soft, chubby little fingers caressed mine; so warm.
"Okay. My dear sister said it, so it must be." I witnessed Esme's lips rise to her ears, I witnessed her eyes curl up.
I could hear the trust in her voice.
Yet, why?
Why do I feel as though she is not smiling?
Why do I feel as though...
Asthoughthiscreaturehasalreadybrokenher?
And, with that smile still on her face, she proceeded to ask me a question, "Say, dear sister, my adorable little Alora, you love me, right?"
Love.
A heavy word.
From Esme's mouth, it meant familial love.
But, hearing it, to me, it meant more.
It meant true love, adoration, and the urge to marry her; to keep her all to myself.
So, this was a very easy question to answer.
"Yes, I love you. I love you the most." I made sure to keep eye contact as I stated those words, because I felt like if I didn't, my heart would burst from the surge of hot, steaming emotions.
It would explode from holding back.
I want you.
My cute sister.
I want all of you.
...
But you're right, not now.
...
Yes, once it's been done.
"Good, I love you too, dear sister." She said it with a familiar emotion oozing from her golden eyes, the same emotion I'd see in my eyes every day. Unlike me, this cursed reincarnator, she still did not understand the meaning behind that emotion.
Thus.
I must wait for the day she understands.
The day she comprehends.
Once that happens...
Hehe.
A sweet feeling spread across my chest, pressing deep into my pounding heart.
"I'll be right back, okay? Hilda will be right by you." Tapping my belly with a teasing face, Esme let go of my hand, leaving them cold once more.
Then, she deftly exited the bedroom.
Again, I returned to the silence.
The silence of endless noise.
It was just me and Hilda in the room, so I didn't bother hiding my-
"Hey, I can't give you that liver. It's too far away."
...
"Just be patient."
I cast the distant liver dangling from the top of my desk a faint look, then turned my gaze to the seated Hilda.
Her ruby-red hair covered her head as she held it down.
She was curled up, quivering.
Witnessing that pathetic display; cute.
I held back the grin. "Hilda, why are you still crying?"
Hiccuping, she lifted her face, revealing the streaks of tears pouring down her face. She sniffled and rubbed her nose, all the while she kept releasing more waves of the salty liquid.
"B, but- Sniffle. I, I did something bad!"
Sighing, I painfully lifted my hand and beckoned her over, "Come."
Nervously gulping, she rapidly rubbed her face, then cautiously stood up and hobbled over to my bedside. Holding her head down, she fidgeted with her fingers.
Occasionally, she'd lift her arm to wipe her tears.
"I told you, didn't I? As long as you listen to me, do everything I tell you to do... Everything will be okay, right?"
I caressed her face, wiping a tear bubbling down. Then, I lightly pinched her cheek, I moulded it and played with enough force to pull her lips upward.
I made her smile.
"Right?"
Biting her lips, she leaned her face into my hand. Softly nodding, "Y, yes, little dummy."
"Good girl."
Momentarily enjoying that eerily familiar look on Hilda's face, I briefly glanced to the right.
To the-
Wavesofchestnutandblue.
Tomother'seyes.
Smiling in that direction:
I did well, right?
Receiving a smile in response, I looked back at Hilda.
At the girl slowly falling into pieces in the palm of my hand.
In that very moment, something took over me.
I opened my mouth:
"Hilda, you're perfect, right?"
With her soft cheek still in my hand, she faintly nodded with a tight smile, "Y, yes, little dummy- Hic."
Hilda's cute hiccups, her quivering body, the faint despair on her face-
She's so adorable at the moment.
An emotion I could vividly recognise fluttered in my stomach, an emotion I'd grown used to over the past five and a half years.
Hehe.
-----
"C, careful!"
Squeezing everything I had in me, and attempting my damn hardest to ignore the amalgamation of Curses and absolute pain flooding my nervous system-
"G, Cough! Got it..." I spat while Hilda held onto my waist, supporting me as I stood up.
Esme promptly passed me the crutches, attaching them below my armpits. Once secured, she signalled for Hilda to give me some room.
"Ready?" Hilda asked.
I nodded.
She released me, leaving me alone to withstand the weight of a thousand elephants.
My spine compressed itself, and my legs felt like they would crumple beneath me at any moment.
But I stood.
Shakily, painfully, but I was certainly standing on my own.
It has been over 72 hours since that day, and I've finally gained enough energy to just barely stand up on my lonesome with the aid of crutches.
"S, sister..." Esme barely held herself together.
She couldn't even imagine-
No.
She didn't even want to imagine the look on my face.