Maniac’s Mayhem

“So you know how my mother basically raised her, making her somewhat her mother as well.”

“Yeah, that sounds correct.”

“So that would make her my sister.”

“I guess so.”

“And she is your wife, so that makes us sisters-in-law.” Fresh chapters posted on nοvelfire.net

“We're not married yet; where are you going with this, anyway?”

“Well, as your cute little sister-in-law, I request that you buy me a baby lion.”

– Snippet of overheard dialogue on Sparkling Magenta Explosion base tour stream.

I sigh deeply, as I look at the clock on the top right of my vision; already forty-three minutes late. I should have known the offer was too good to be true, given that I had been fired from my last job with black marks on my resume. So, of course, I was suspicious when a random stranger sent me an email saying they want to hire me for a frankly insane amount of credits. I look again at the email address. [email protected] it looked authentic enough, though I couldn't find any therapist with that name online, nor any office with that name.

I sigh, taking another sip of my coffee. Luckily, I planned to go to this cafe anyway to relax and think about future options, so getting stood up wasn't the worst.

The cafe itself is a cosy place, and the coffee is somewhat palatable, making it one of my favourite spots in the city, beating out my cramped apartment by a mile.

Suddenly, someone pulls away the chair in front of me, startling me. I blink up at a frankly gorgeous woman, with long blond hair and glowing golden eyes framed in a soft face. She is wearing some kind of suit, but the cut is loose, making me think more of loungewear than something more formal.

“Sorry for being late. I got distracted by a twelve-year-old begging me for a baby lion on the way here. My name is Evelin Vance. It is nice to meet you.” She says, as she seats herself with her own cup of something.

I blink slowly, “A baby lion?”

“Don’t worry, I didn't actually give her one. I know I should talk to her parents first.” She smiles with a bit of mischief in her eyes, telling me she liked the idea of giving the kid a lion.

I take a deep breath to re-centre myself and look straight at the woman, who seems to be observing me. “You could get her a lion?” I ask, feeling a bit unsure about how to continue this conversation.

She scratches her chin in a thinking gesture. “Probably. I mean, we have a hyena, so a lion isn't that far fetched,”

“Hyenas? With children?” Fuck, is this girl insane?

Evelin frowns. “Didn’t you get told what kind of company we are?”

I pull up the email again, then shake my head. “No, it just asks if I wanted to work, and what kind of pay I would receive. Also, it is signed by someone called Lyssa, not Evelin.”

“Ah,” the woman looks a bit sheepish, “I am sorry. I should have been more clear. Lyssa is kind of my assistant, and she is somewhat new at sending emails like this.” She gives me a wink “Our company's name is PsyCo and we specialise in helping samurai. Which at the moment means helping them run charities and creating merch, mostly. We also have a mercenary division.”

A picture suddenly pops up in my vision, several people wearing colourful hoodies and animal masks, and, between them, a hyena in battle armour.

“And this twelve-year-old is part of the mercenaries?” I ask, with a bit of apprehension.

“Oh protectors, no! She is the daughter of one of our workers. Her mom is a bodyguard, and her family lives in the company's provided living quarters.”

I slowly nod. That sounds good, they have some kind of daycare system; then something hits me. “How close would I be working with the Samurai?”

The woman shrugs. “Not sure, your profile says that you're an advocate for mental healthcare of employees, so the people in charge probably want to have a discussion with you about that. And, of course, some would be your patients, if you don’t mind, that is?”

“You don’t mind me convincing your bosses that mental health care is required.” I say, looking directly in her eyes.

“That's why we are hiring you.” She says slowly, “Well, that, and some other factors.”

I let out a breath, then burst into full-blown nervous laughter. “This is crazy. I guess I'm in, on one condition.”

Evelin smiles, revealing a twinkle in her eyes. “I haven't even explained the benefits yet.”

“Wait, I get even more benefits. What are they?” I say, feeling my cheeks burn.

Evelin just laughs

“Well, most of it is the basic stuff, just that our healthcare is backed by Samurai gear, so, I guess ,break a leg. Other than that, you would be required to move to Stuttgart, but we offer free rooms, and food in the cafeteria. What else? I mean ,Samurai equipment can be provided on request, probably some more stuff. It's all in the contract.”

Suddenly, a document flashes in front of my eyes. "How do you keep doing that?”

“I am a hacker.” she says, like it's the most normal thing in the world.

I crawl into myself a bit more. "And you can see my stuff.”

“I can, but I haven't done so. Just removed all the spyware. You really should upgrade that gear of yours, by the way.”

“With what money?” I complain. I know my stuff sucks but the good stuff is expensive.

Evelin just nods. “I guess I’ll add that as a signing bonus. So what was your condition?”

I blink in confusion, then remember the earlier conversation.

“Right, I want to treat Maniac. I'm worried about her; I want to prevent her from doing anything outrageous. You know, people are saying she blew up Zürich.”

Evelin burst out laughing. “I mean, she was involved, but she didn't blow it up. But are you sure you want to deal with a psycho Samurai?”

I straighten my back.

"Someone has to, and the fact that I would be part of her company means that she probably won’t kill me.”

“She won’t kill you, sure, but what if she doesn't want to go?” she says, sounding way too amused.

“That's your problem, not mine,” I say, giving her a wink.

Evelin quirks her eyebrow.

“Alright then, love the confidence! So, benefits, relocation, anything else you would like to know?”

I pause. "Just like that. Don’t you have to call her or something?”

Evelin laughs. “No, that won’t be necessary. If I tell her to go, she will. Just send me the times when you expect her in your office, and I’ll make sure she will be there.”

“She would really listen to you?”

Listening to instructions was not one of the things the new Samurai was known for.

“Well, she is my twin sister, so yeah, she listens to me.” she smiles. “So trust me, she will be there, unless there is an incursion, then normal operation might be delayed.”

Twins? Well, that is something but this girl looks more well adjusted than her crazy twin sister. Maybe she was forced to keep an eye on Maniac so she became more mature.

"What about you?”

Evelin blinks. “What about me?”

“Do you want therapy too?”

“Yeah, it’d probably be smart, lots of trauma, so don’t worry, we will be in session soon enough. So you are in, then?”

This time it is my turn to laugh. “Who would ever turn this kind of offer down? I mean, are there even any downsides?”

Evelin winces “Probably a few.”

“Like what?”

“You will be working with Samurai. Not only that, if you are their therapist, you will know more about them than most. Something a lot of corporations want, so you might be threatened. Of course, we will do our best to protect you, but there always remains a chance,” she says, fixing me with her gaze.

Right, Samurai. People would want to know more about them so they can use them. But still it is an opportunity. Not only can I see what makes Samurai tick, but I can also use them to make the world a better place.

“I still want to do it. Just give me some protection.” I say with determination.

“I would offer you a lion, but if I did that, I would have an irate 12-year-old.” she says with a big smile.

“Okay, first of all, how would I keep it from not eating me, and second, how would I even feed it?” I say as I shake my head.

“They are trained. Well, parts of their brain are modified to be more obedient, I think. As for food, we could provide that.”

“I am still not taking the lion.” I pause at the thought. Having an animal protector that was smart and trained sounded nice. “Are there other options, maybe something smaller?”

Evelin shrugs. "Probably most things are possible. How do you feel about birds?”

I blink. “I mean, they're interesting, not sure if they make good guards.”

“I was just informed about the cassowary. Apparently, they can rip people apart with their claws.” A new image appears this time of a black bird with a blue head, with some kind of bone on their head.

“I kind of would like something that wouldn't freak my patients out.” I say, as I look at the claws of the bird.

“So something fluffy, then.” Evelin surmises.

I nod, “Maybe about this big, I guess.” I say, hovering my hand at the side of my seat.

Evelin looks to the side to observe. “Lyssa?” Evelin asks, confusing me, before suddenly a whitish-grey chunky cat with black spots and a long fluffy tail appears, its yellow eyes looking at my own.

I slowly pet the cat as my brain tries to come up with a reasonable explanation for all of this.

“Lyssa, that meant ‘are there options?’ not ‘buy her a fucking leopard'.” Evelin curses under her breath.

The leopard, for its part, doesn't seem to care much for Evelin’s complaints, putting its big head on my lap as it sits next to me. I smile and slowly pet its soft fur.

I slowly focus back on Evelin. “You’re a samurai?”

She winks. "Guilty as charged. Anyway, we are attracting a lot of attention now, so we might want to bounce soon.”

I slowly nod. "That makes sense. Must have been fun when I asked if I would meet any Samurai.”

Evelin smiles, “It was amusing, but don’t worry, most people don’t realise it. I am a bit small after all.” I notice that she looks a bit more uncomfortable and starts looking around us a lot more.

“So when can I start?” I ask, trying not to pry too much.

“Honestly, the sooner the better. I kind of need you. My sister-in-law is not doing so, great so I would like you to see her sooner rather than later.”

I nod. “I just need to ship over my stuff. You did offer a place to stay, right?” I ask just to be sure.

“Yeah, one of the floors used to be a hotel. We just cleaned them up, and now they are places where our employees can live. Of course, if you would rather find your own place, you are more than welcome to do so.”

“Maybe, but staying in what's provided, for now, is a good idea if I want to start soon.”

“Great, so how much stuff do you have?”

I blink, “Uhm, why? Are the rooms that small?”

Evelin shakes her head. "Space is decent, better than most apartments, though the rooms don’t come with a kitchen, so that automatically makes them feel bigger. I was asking because I came with an ambulance and I can take some, if not all, of your stuff with me. Saves you from having to pay anyone to do it.”

I blink, “So you want me that badly, huh?”

“You have no idea! So, what do you say?”

I look at her, then at the biggish cat that is now purring softly. “I feel like it would be stupid if I said no”

Evelyn's smile grows wider and more radiant. “Welcome aboard, Doctor Noir!”