Walking Disasters and Me

The flicker of the living room tv hums as the person who always makes me the happiest sits curled into me on the couch. For as long as I can remember, we've always been like this. Always together, always playing and studying and telling goofy stories as we're curled in bed together. Mom's reminder that we should be sleeping having passed hours ago.

Or when distracting our parents so we can pawn off vegetables to Oscar, our stubby little family dog. Little rebellious acts that we'd share in with silly smiles and the wrapping of arms around each other.

Twin troubles, our folks like to joke when they see us walking down the hall with held hands and mischievous smirks. Though it usually is just me getting up to something and having to drag along my poor, sweet sister~.

Not that she doesn't have fun too! At least, when she stops being a scaredy cat and just goes along with whatever craziness I'm about to take her through. And I think its good for her. Her idea of fun is reading, playing games, or watching movies. If I didn't drag her out of the house to go outside with me once in a while, she'd probably never leave!

But tonight was her night to call the shots seeing as how yesterday we spent almost the entire day playing tag and roughhousing out on the hill behind the house much to our mom's disappointed looks. Oh well, we always have fun even if she frowns and shakes her head at us. And hearing Aims squeal is always music to my ears~.

Sadly though, we took it too far and didn't come back in until the sun had well and truly set getting us a proper talking to when we finally came back in. To my horror, they threatened to stop letting us play outside if we weren't going to follow the rules. Something that Amelia had the opposite feelings on if the betraying light in her eyes was to be believed. Traitor.

To follow through with their threat, they told us to stay inside all of today so we'd see how it felt. A cruel punishment that saw me almost start banging my head against the wall before Aims' delightful laugh stopped me.

"Sands, let's go watch'a movie! Dad's out in the garage and moms in the garden, so we can use the big tv!" The bubbly, energetic voice sings to me. Every word making my little heart start to skip a beat, just like it always does.

"Fine..." I grumble mostly for show since I know that cuddling with her is one of the best experiences ever.

And so, there we were. Watching a cartoon movie about some princess being saved by some prince. Oscar snoring lightly on the other end of the couch as Amelia snuggles into me, face fixed on the colorful characters and ears tuned to the melodic sing-a-longs.

Time goes by just like normal, me softly petting her hair as she eventually lays her head in my lap. The annoyingly simple turn of events of the princess getting captured or put in danger just to be saved by the prince. Oscar getting bored and wandering off somewhere from the lack of attention.

That is, until near the end where the prince and princess finally kiss. Something we've both seen hundreds of times but now, for some reason, my heart begins to race. I don't know why, but my hand suddenly stops combing through Aims' hair as I begin to imagine... us.

Us, in that same situation. Me having ran through all those obstacles and challenges just to make it back to her, just to... kiss her. To be happily ever after with the rising music and clapping hands cheering us on. How it would feel to even do something like that, I wonder...

My heart begins to race with both those thoughts and the small, subtle movements of the head still in my lap. A weird, confusing tightening starting to collect in my stomach. Not butterflies, not totally. More like a warm stone setting in my tummy that spurs me on and makes my thoughts get fuzzy.

By the time any semblance of those thoughts get back under control, the tv clicks off to dismiss the scrolling names and jobs that slowly scrawl up the screen. A small sniff coming from below that reminds me of the new and slightly scary feeling from before.

"I always love how the princess gets saved at the end, don't you Sandy?" Aims says dreamily as she goes to sit back up.

"Y-yeah..." I can only reply as I try and get these weird thoughts and feelings out of my head. It's obvious that when the boy and girl kiss that they're in love, whatever that means. Mom and dad just always say its when two people care about each other very, very much. So why am I even thinking about doing something like that with Amelia?

Sure, we basically spend all our time together. Even take baths together. And every time I'm with her, I just feel like... like the world is right. Like so long as we are laughing and smiling, nothing else truly matters. But that's just because we're family... right? It's not...

Suddenly, the face of the person causing me such confusion appears right in front of me with a pout. "You can just say you didn't like it, Sandy. I know you like stuff with more fighting and explosions anyway."

My face begins to heat a little as my pout meets hers. "I agreed with you that it was good, dork. And of course I like that stuff, its fun!"

A twinkle seems to gleam in her eyes as her little frown begins to shift up. Even if I'm the one usually up to mischief, I sometimes forget that Aims is just as squirrely as me when the mood strikes her. "Hmm... maybe you liked it more than I did even given that blushing face of yours~. Are you embarrassed that you actually liked something girly for once, miss tomboy~?"

I deadpan back to her, "You don't even know what that means, Aims."

"Nope~! But I know it gets under your skin, so its fun to say~. Hehe~." She cheeks back with teasing words. The final straw, in my opinion.

My hands dart forwards to her sides, and a vicious tickling attack sees the little troll squirming and laughing desperate pleas as we shift on the couch. After a few seconds, I'm sitting on top of her with my hands caught under her armpits as she tries to shake me off.

Both of us out of breath, her from laughing so hard she almost cries and me from just trying to keep her still to continue the punishment~. But in that moment where we both take a second to get air back in our chest, we end up meeting eye to eye.

My heart almost thumps out of my chest, sending warmth all through my body as she looks up to me with those big, brown eyes and blushing red cheeks. Brown hair messy from the roughhousing as I feel her own heart thumping against my right hand and arm. Something inside me stirs, like that new feeling from before but now stronger. Louder. A need that I can't put into words, just a... pink glowing feeling that blossoms inside me like a pretty flower.

"Sandra? Are you okay?" The little voice under me asks with concern, all the playful energy now shifting to worry in her eyes as she raises up a hand to my cheek. "Goodness, you're burning up! Are you sick?"

"N-no! I'm fine!" I reply quickly, the touch of her skin to my face sending lightning bolts through me which make me pull my head back with a snap. These frightening new feelings and situations making me more confused by the second, though I can't bring myself to get off her. To separate.

"Are you sure? You're acting weird..." She prods again, even as she tries to tease me. But its obvious she's still worried.

I swallow a little ball that's gotten stuck in my throat as words begin to leave my lips. "I-I was just... thinking about the end of the movie..."

"Oh yeah? Sorry I teased you about it if you actually liked it that much then..." Aims answers back a little guiltily to which I wave off with a shake of my head.

"It's fine, I'm not upset about that. I was just... wondering how it felt. What they must have been thinking when they kissed. I started having... weird thoughts about it."

A heartbeat passes as Aims just looks at me, making me the one who begins to squirm. Just as I'm about to wave it off and never talk about it again, she finally speaks up.

"Want to try it? We kiss on the cheek all the time, how different could it really be?"

I blink once. Twice. Trying to make sure I heard her right. That growing pink flower inside me surging to life, drying my mouth with its roots. "A-are you sure? You don't think its... weird?"

She just shakes her head and gives me a small smile, nothing but pureness in her eyes. "I don't think its weird. It's just a test anyway, right? And I can tell you're wrestling with it, so of course I want to help."

After hesitating for just a moment, with blood thundering in my ears that would put any storm to shame, I give a weak nod and lower my head to hers. Time seems to slow down until its almost frozen. Everything inside me stirring to life in new, odd ways. Every strand of hair, eyelash, freckle. Her smile that now seems as inviting as it does scary... I see it all on her with a strange clearness that I've never had before.

The smile that tilts upward as she closes her eyes like the princess in the movie. Our noses touching enough to almost make me jerk back like her hand did before, but the aching, burning need presses me forward. The need to understand, both what all these feelings are and my own curiosity with them. Why they showed up all of a sudden, and why doing something like this that feels wrong, but right at the same time.

The last inches that separate our lips from each other disappear shortly after, and as the softness meets mine, my entire world erupts in color. Like a rainbow that grew too big and had to make new colors just to fill the gaps. Ones that I can't even name, but make everything feel... complete. Whole. Like some missing piece inside my heart has finally been put back.

All that, just from a little touch. All the worries and fears melting away in an instant as I know what we've just done is right. The word love now sitting cozily inside my brain with its proper definition. An eager giddiness beginning to sparkle inside me as I'm about to break away and ask Aims how it felt for her.

But am interrupted before I can lift off her. "What are you two doing?"

The fear that was so easily batted away returns in full as the tense, stern voice of our mother jolts us both. As quick as ever, I jump back and sit on the couch properly, unable to hide the rising blush of shame and embarrassment at being caught. The adult face that seems beyond upset, her curly brown hair usually coming down to her shoulders done up in a small ponytail. Green eyes leering down in expectation.

I quickly cycle through the options. Weighing whether to lie for the first time in my life or make up some kind story. "W-we were just-"

"Do not lie to me, young ma'am! Tell me what you were doing to Amelia, now." She barks loudly as she cuts me off. The parental authority dripping in her voice.

Trembling without my say so due to the harshness in her tone, I can only stammer with a gaping mouth and wide eyes. Sure, she's been strict before. Even most of the time, to be honest. But she's never raised her voice like this.

Not to me, or Amelia, or even dad. I start to realize that while what just happened felt right to me... that 'wrongness' feeling from before begins to make sense. That what we just did, no one else would feel they way I felt about it. And I can't even ask Aims about if she felt anything either now...

As I'm getting more and more terrified of the growingly upset parent, Aims speaks up. "Mom, its fine. She just wanted to know what a kiss was like after watching the movie. She didn't force me or nothing."

A long, dreadful silence follows after Aims explained what happened. Mom's eyes seem to shift from confusion, to shock, to anger, and then... to something that makes my heart shatter. To disgust.

"Amelia, go to your room." Is all she says after that awful pause, Aims looking over to me in worry before turning back to look like she's going to say something again. Only for that same, harsh bark to echo in the living room again. "I said go to your room!"

Amelia recoils against the couch, practically cowering with dinner plate sized eyes. Something that makes all of my own terror get carried away in the wind as I shift and move to cover her with an arm instinctually. Something that only drives our mother further into anger.

Just as it looks like she's about to forcefully rip us apart, the front door opens up revealing the black smudged, clean shaven square face of our dad. His blonde hair messy with grime and sweat as he looks over the scene with his piercing blue eyes.

A level, rugged tone stilling all of us as he gives a sharp look to our mom. "What's going on, Jas? I heard you shouting from the garage." The seriousness of the situation expands immensely at how he calls her. Not honey, or babe, or sweetie like usual. Her name. Or, at least most of it since its actually Jasmine.

Something that our mom also picks up on but seems not to care about as she goes to continue separating us, making Amelia give an alarmed cry. In a flash, a muscular hand marked in black oil stains reaches out and stops her.

"Jas, calm down!" He says with a short, clipped command before shifting his eyes over to us on the couch and returning to his usual gentle tone, "Sandra, honey, you and Amelia go to your room while I talk with mommy."

Our mom looks like she wants to argue, but one look from dad makes her clam up awful quick. Taking the hint and the chance, I quickly hop off the couch and then pull Aims along with me to the end of the house where our room is. A hollowness emptying my chest that was once filled with so much happy, warm feelings. As I shut the door behind us, Amelia begins to tear up and softly cry, bringing me out of my funk.

I wrap her up in a hug as we sit on the carpeted floor, holding her head to my neck as I stroke her hair and curse at myself. At mom. At that stupid movie for even giving me that idea, no matter how amazing and right it felt afterwards.

We stay locked up for a while. A half hour, at least. All the while I catch snippets here and there as our parents raise their voices to each other for the first time that I can ever remember. After the first shout, I cover Aims' ears with my hands.

"... her sister!! Her twin sister!!..."

"Jasmine, calm the fuck down. They're eight. She just got curious and was..."

...

"Oh, of course you don't see a problem with it, Terry! You always..."

"... need to stop yelling and take a breath. Go cool off outside, I'll..."

"Hah! Because you're so much better than-"

"ENOUGH."

That last shout seems to shake the entire house. The once peaceful place filled with love and care darkening to a dangerous degree. The only sound that follows is the slamming of the screen door leading out back and the poor whimpers of Amelia still in my arms. And then, footsteps. Heavy ones.

A knock on the door follows after they stop, its hinges slowly creeping open to reveal a tired yet still kind look on our father's face as he regards us still sitting in the middle of the room. He softly closes the door behind him and then comes to sit between us and it. With a sigh, he moves his dirty hand along his messy hair and then gives us a little smile.

"Well... I'm sure you heard some of it, but I just want you both to know that mommy isn't actually upset at you, either of you. She loves you both with all her heart, same as I do. Okay?"

I wordlessly nod back to him, Amelia doing the same against my neck as he continues speaking.

"Neither of you are in any trouble, but I want to make sure I understand everything that happened. Why don't you two tell me what happened on the couch, in your own words. I promise I won't get mad or yell at you."

His words are gentle and coaxing, and they feel sincere. I think back on how no matter what, he's only ever given us kind, goofy smiles. Even when we play rough out in the dirt and don't act like girls. Sometimes even joining in to play together with us. Something that mom always seemed upset about too.

Amelia and I begin telling him about the day, taking turns between moments where Amelia sniffles for too long and when she gets back her courage until finally, we arrive at the end of the movie.

"When... When I watched that scene at the end, the princess and prince kissing, I started wondering what it felt like. Like, inside. With my feelings. Aims teased me a little since I was thinking so much and we played around a bit before I told her the same thing." I say with a hint of fear, unsure of how much I should tell him even though he promised not to get mad.

Aims picks up the story, her now mostly dried tears staining her little face. "I said we should test it since it seemed like Sandy was all worried and curious about it, and since we kiss on the cheeks all the time. So we did, only for a second, and that's when mom walked in and started yelling at us for no reason."

The whole time, dad just silently listened to us. Nodding his head at certain parts, or when we weren't talking. At the end, he seems to think for a few seconds before looking directly at Aims.

"So it was just because you wanted to help your sister who was curious about it? How did it make you feel?"

As something I also want to know, I look over only for the floor to drop from under me again as she just shrugs. "It was the same as when she does it on the cheek, I think. I didn't notice anything different."

He nods before turning to look at me with those deep blue eyes that seem to know too much. "And what about you, Sands?"

I go to answer, to tell the truth, but the words get stuck in my throat. Heart already sunk and crushed for reasons I'm still struggling to figure out. Instead... I lie. "I-it was the same for me. Nothing special."

His gaze lingers on me, eyes squinting softly as he seems to study either me or my answer. But eventually, he just nods and then stands up. "Okay then. Thank you both for telling me what happened. Aims, why don't you play a game while I talk with your sister real quick, okay?"

"Okay~!" She happily chirps before turning to the much smaller television set and turning on a game console while dad opens the door and walks out, keeping it open for me. As that sinking, dreadful feeling only grows stronger, I give one last look over to Aims and then follow behind him.

We don't talk as we walk down the long hall, nor through the living room that started this whole mess. In fact, we don't talk at all until the garage door closes with a small metal clang and dad pulls up two long stools which he then uses one to sit on. He motions to the other, and I dutifully clamber up on the rungs until I'm also sitting on its padded surface.

He reaches over to the small fridge at the side of the worktable we're sat at, tools of all shapes and sizes hanging from hooks on the wall and then pulls out a soda and a beer. The soda he obviously gives to me and then he pops open his drink and takes a couple visible gulps of it before turning back to face me.

"So, you didn't tell me the whole truth back there huh?" Is all he says as he fixes me with a look I can't describe. But, at least, it isn't that awful one that mom gave us before she started yelling...

Caught in the lie, something I wasn't ever really good at doing in the first place, I feel the heat of tears begin to prickle forward as I shake my head 'no'. He sighs, going silent for a few seconds before reaching out and softly ruffling my hair.

"Okay. I think I know why you did that, but I want you to tell me the truth this time. It's only me and you here, alright?"

The soft reassurance is all it takes for the dam to burst. I blab as quietly as I can, just in case someone else hears, about all of it. How everything felt, why I was so caught up thinking about kissing in the first place, and how crushed I was when it seemed like Amelia didn't share those feelings.

Just like in our room, he just silently listens. Though he does pat my head or squeeze my shoulder when the tears begin to be too much. At the end of it, I just feel... empty.

Same as the beer can he tosses into a small trash bin by the table and gives another long, heavy sigh. "Alright. I know this is scary for you, honey. But you can't feel those feelings for your sister. No matter how 'right' it felt for you then. I need you to promise me that you won't do something like this again, okay?"

The words clap my mind. The thought that I would never again feel that feeling, even if Aims didn't share it right now, twists my stomach into knots. A dangerous... blackness forming inside me. But... I don't know what would happen if I said no.

Would mom and dad separate us forever? Would I never see Aims again? Would they... put me in a hospital or something since what I did and how I felt was apparently so wrong?

So for the second time in less than an hour, I lie. "Okay." I say tearfully with my head turned downwards, just in case he does that trick again where he figures out if I'm telling the truth or not. Thankfully, it seemed to work this time.

"Okay." He mimics back to me before continuing, "What you told me in here is going to be our secret, alright? I promise not to tell mommy or anyone else. I'll tell her that you just got curious and that you and Amelia didn't really know what you were doing. That it was basically just a childish game. She may still be... worried, but I'll make sure she calms down properly. Just..."

He says with another sigh, "Just be prepared that you two may have to get your own rooms from now on. And maybe some other things might change too. Just so your mom can truly let the matter rest."

He stands up, picking me up in his arms and into a soft yet firm hug. The scent of oil and grease and sweat filling my nose as he rubs my back affectionately. "I love you, Sandra. Thank you for trusting me and being honest. I promise this is all going to work out in the end."

After that, he walks me back to our room and then leaves us be. A couple days go by, with him seemingly cleaning out the room directly across from ours that he used as an office. Mom now periodically 'checking up on us' while he works away. Which means poking her head into our room every hour or so, or watching us like a hawk from nearby whenever we're outside.

True to his words, Aims and I are sat down on the couch after the now empty office room is fully cleared out. Our parents explaining to us that we're old enough now and its time for us to have separate rooms. Something both of them try to frame positively, even if Amelia is beyond devastated.

It... takes a few months before she quits trying to sneak into my new room at night. Too used to us cuddling together on the bed when she has nightmares or is lonely. But eventually she stops trying, especially after our parents sit us down yet again on the couch and lecture us about 'privacy'. Another loss of closeness that breaks my heart even as I keep that prismatic fire that I felt for one brief, wonderful moment alive in my heart. Because no matter what dad, or mom, or anyone else says...

I know with all of my being that what I felt was right. And one day... Aims will feel that way too. One day... I'll show her this truth that I've been forced to hide away.

That one day... she will be MINE.