Walking Disasters and Me

Darkness holds me as I sit against a shelf. The same one that I parked at when I showed Sandy the same memory. The same terrified worry poking and prodding at me as I wait. From my own mind. From my chest and heart. Or rather, from its new occupant...

I sigh, my knees already raised as I dip my head between them. Hands coming up to scratch the back of my head and rub my neck. Anything to keep the dark tendrils from taking further root, useless though it may be for me right now. Akiko's odd sparks of pure terror and then self-loathing right before I could feel her start watching the memory don't help matters in the slightest, either.

Another groan, my frustrated voice bouncing off the floor and empty shelves. Echoing in my ear as I lean back and close my eyes. Why... why does the bond between her and I have to be this strong? Where every powerful emotion screams into my brain, its colors forcing me to match them in confusion until I figure out their meaning. Why doesn't it work like that between me and Sandra yet?

She and I are fated. Destined to be together for all time and every universe, apparently~. Something that does bring a small smile to my face as my weary heart warms just a touch. Yet not once has her influence or emotions felt... overwhelming. Uncontrollable. It's always just felt... natural. Like even though her feelings are different, they are mine all in the same moment. That no matter the reason, our hearts still beat as one...

Maybe that's the difference? The bond we share, while it may have the same name as the one I have with Akiko now, is just fundamentally unique to her and I? If so, I both dread and love that. I love it because that means that my previous worries about the cheapening of our bond by the system - despite all the reassurances under the moon to the contrary - are unfounded. That no matter what, she is still mine and I am always hers. In a way that no one can replicate or come between~.

I dread it, however, because that means that the bond between myself and Akiko may never get to that point. It may never grow enough to shield myself from Akiko's stronger emotions. To make them feel as welcomed as Sandy's are to me. That I may never truly be me or trust my own emotions ever again. And despite knowing that I would never take away what we have now... The thought of that loss of individuality, the loss of internal control is terrifying. Especially after what I did to Samantha because of it.

Which raises the next complication with the beautiful kitsune that I've been keeping to myself. That rose to mind after I've had a chance to calm down. Too scared to voice it until Akiko tells me she loves me, even if we already apologized to each other. But... the whispers and doubts just keep coming, won't let me let the question rest. Not until I can look in her eyes and feel in our bond the absolute truth behind her words when she gives me her answer. Maybe... if she still loves me like she promised she would after she sees, then I can ask her. Put the last nail in the coffin of doubt. Though it will be hard.

My own penchant for not throwing blame at anyone but myself screaming at me to just let it be. That I've already said enough on it. To just forget it and move on. Bottle it up and never speak of it again... Even though I know I can't. I can't and don't want to live with the constant whispers. Not again. The pain of it too great to bear, its torch too weighty yet too familiar to carry into the promised unknown future. And its secrecy unfair to both myself and Akiko.

As I begin to mull over the painful line of questions once more, I feel the fox woman in question come to the end of the memory. Which turns out to be unneeded, as I am almost instantly squished in a firm hug. Fluffy tails wrapping around me as I instinctively lean my head against the cool skin of Akiko's arm that holds me.

"I am so sorry, my love." She begins, regret and sorrow bouncing through the bond as she nestles her face into my hair. Her breath coating my skin as she continues, "I am sorry. For all of it. That I failed you. Not just as your teacher, or as a close ally and friend, but as your soulmate. That I let my sense of duty to the Village blind me to your wants and needs. That I have let the status quo dictate my actions until now."

She pauses as her voice hitches, my own quiet choke of emotions mirroring her as our the emotions flitting between us feed off their own sadness, "I do not deserve your forgiveness for failing you so incredibly obviously. I promise, from now until eternity rips me from you, I will not evermake those mistakes again. That I will show you my earnest and unwavering love and support for all of our lives, like you deserve to have been receiving it this whole time."

Her words are a soothing balm, her pure and honest emotions a panacea for my wounded psyche. Even after Sandra began the process, made me realize some truths about what happened, I can't help but feel another puzzle piece of my recovery slide into place. Perfectly fit to mend the wound on my heart and mind as her love waves upon my shores. A sensation I longingly want to return, but not until the last things needed to be spoken are said.

I press into her as much as I can, her inviting, chilly skin - even in her avatar state - welcoming with familiar ease and presence as I timidly ask, "You still love me? After what you saw? After what you felt through the memory?"

Without a drop of hesitation, Akiko easily replies in her motherly smooth voice, tails wrapping around me once more, "I do, Amelia. I love you with all of my heart and soul. And I am so very sorry that you ever doubted that. That my actions - or lack thereof - as of late made you question that fact."

The peace once again settles on my soul, its blanket warm and inviting. Tempting me to just let the next matter rest. To accept her love, forgive her for everything she's said she is sorry for. Like I always do. Like I always want to do. Afraid of making those I love hurt or feel like they failed. More than willing to shoulder the burden of fault just to avoid the disappointed faces of my cherished people. To avoid knowing that my words or actions hurt them and might... might drive them away from me.

But, no. I can't do that anymore. Not to myself. Not to those I love. Akiko and Ios may have been the ones laying the ground work, but Sandra's words made it truly sink in. If I want to start being accountable and responsible, to stand up for myself and take charge of my life, then that means I need to hold others as well as myself to account too. Even if it hurts me beyond words to do so.

I pull back, regretful tears running like a raging river down my cheeks as the same hued emotion filters through the bond. Akiko looking at me worriedly in the eyes as I try and fail to choke out the next words. The painful stabs of sentence that will surely spear her heart. The ones that must be said regardless.

"W-why?" I finally manage to sob out through broken speech and stilted breath, Akiko's eyes going wide as our bond erupts in every emotion under the label of blue. "Why did you spend all your time in the Sect Hall instead of with me after that tribulation that scared me so much? W-why didn't you teach me more about the Intent? Why d-did you run away and conf- *Hic* confront those envoys? Leaving me alone with Samantha while you did so, after you knewhow chaotic our bond is? Why..." I stumble into a sob that stills my last question, the one that hurts the most to ask.

I keep my eyes sealed shut, scrunched on my face as the tears freely fall. Head nestled into her neck as I tremble in her arms, my final whisper a question that nearly breaks me to say, but slips forth regardless. "Why did you allow this to happen?"

Akiko jolts in our shared embrace at the final question turned accusation, a deep and crushing pang of sorrow singing between us in its mournful wail. The hurt going to her core, but I fail to notice in my own distraught state. Borne from something I didn't want to say, a blame I didn't want to place... but that doesn't change its origin. No matter how much I wish it did, how much I wish I could shift it. Keep it squarely on me. But aside from somehow knowing the future and having Ios knock me out before any of this awful memory occurred, there simply is nothing I could have done to stop it from happening.

I didn't know how to control the Intent, not really. When I willingly activated it against the Empress, it just amplified my own anger. Fueled my rage as I thought Sandra was in danger. Even when it leveled up in the fight, it still felt natural. But that was still just me letting it run rampant, no controls placed on it at all. And the Empress was strong enough to easily suppress me regardless, smacking the rage and anger out of me like an annoying fly buzzing around her head.

But against Samantha? With the forced evolution of its level and the powerful emotions that pushed back my sanity? I'm lucky I even came back from that state, looking back on it now that I've had a small amount of time to separate the event from myself. It's all so painfully obvious that I wasn't even remotely equipped to handle that power. That I'm stillnot.

And while I do still think some of that is still on me for not asking for help on it sooner, the fact of the matter is Akiko is supposed to be my primary teacher on cultivation. Even more so for the Berserker stuff, since she and I are the only one for who knows how far that have that in common. And... she hasn't trained me on it at all yet.

Coupled with the volatile emotions she was experiencing that then got fed into me and... yeah. I may be reluctant to shift the blame anywhere but on my shoulders - again, something I am trying to address - but even I can't deny where the burden of guilt lies now that I've had a chance to think. To process.

"I am sorry." Akiko says with a weary voice. Its tone fragile and small, filled with pain as well as regret. "I should never have left you in the state you were in after your second tribulation. I made a grave mistake, thinking myself still adherent to duty and the Village and that your recovery was well on its way. Taking for granted how quick you seem to raise yourself back to standing after experiencing hardship. Arrogant in my thoughts to assume I was the only one who could properly guide the people through the aftermath of the assault. That itself being another matter that I am ruminating on with regret..."

Her arms and tails pull me into her avatar deeper, almost threatening to mush the two of us together as she continues. "I was careless, Amelia. With thought, attention, and action. I should have made your mastery over your nature the highest priority, regardless of how well you seemed to be managing it. Adjusting to it on your own. Thinking my warning words enough to give you introspection and direction like they would for someone who has lived their whole life on Mara. Forgetting to factor your unique newness to this plane in so many ways..."

She pauses, both of us clinging tighter to each other as we let the words and emotions simply flow from us. Releasing the both of us from our shared worries, fears, and regrets. "I mistakenly held on to equally outdated views of where my focus should land. Failing to see just how incredibly world changing yet vulnerable you are as a person, to say nothing of your status as a cultivator. For making such a poor showing of our new bond after I had brazenly stated its importance.

And while its is a poor and shameful excuse, that same new bond opened up feelings and memories I had long thought dormant. Not to say I do not love Samantha, Gerra, as well as Jun Li. I cherish them with all my heart as well, and I would not be who I am this day if it were not for their care and love. But the depth, the intrinsic connection and passion of both the good and the bad... for as much as I love them and they me, we simply could never hope to reach such levels.

When you and I were able to join in such a way, that same passion I thought dead and buried for the rest of my life came roaring back. And, after being absent of it for a hundred years, I am still struggling to control it. To reign in the deeper flares of pure emotion - again - both good and bad. I know I have stated as such before, and my own failure to address such a blindingly apparent issue also rests on my shoulders."

She pulls me back from my resting position against her, peering down at me as she pats my head and wipes my avatar's cheeks of their tears. "You are right to blame me for these things as well as what was borne from them, Amelia. And it is okay to do so. I can feel how painful it is for you to muster these charges against me, but you are correct to levy them. I know I have failed you. And just because it took you a moment - a clearer head and calmer heart - to realize the same does not mean my love and care and sorrowful apology will ever fade.

That my willingness to right these wrongs will diminish. I will strive to match these words with action. Properly, this time. From the deepest reaches of my soul, I vow to you here and now to never fail you like this again. To never have my sight or focus shrouded by outdated views that I am too slow to change, too entrenched in to see the immense potential and value you have simply by nature of your smile and laugh. And the way it makes my entire being sing to witness them. I love you, Amelia Dufort. And I plan on showing you that fact of reality from now until my last moment of existence."

A sharp breath escapes me along with a renewed torrent of tears. The weight relieved from my being, accepted with grace by Akiko. Easing and freeing my mind from the plaguing whispers and tendrils of doubt with her admissions and vow of purpose for the future. With shoulders that nearly feel as light as they did before the bunker, I sob and press forward into her. Our lips locking in a messy, tear-stained, and emotional kiss. One that fails to produce a spark of discomfort or a tragic scene, thankfully.

As the peace begins washes over me, I fully accept it this time. I know that it will still be a while before I can truly confront what I've done. Before I accept the parts I can accept, and heal from the parts I can't. But just seeing and feeling and knowing that Akiko truly does understand. That she accepts her own faults in this. That she is willing to carry her blame - even if I am the one to place it there - and take steps to right the wrongs we both see. That I can feel safe to tell her when something major upsets me or comes between us and not have to worry about her lashing back out. Leaving me. Gaslighting me.

That I can truly be open and honest. That it's okay to do exactly that and not have to wring my hands red with worry about the reaction. That I can just be... me. As that realization takes root, a small scream echoes from inside my heart before its presence disappears forever. Not from the newest addition. No, that one is going to take time, like I have accepted now. But a smaller one, a carry over from Earth. One that was the bedrock of my trauma's with the hydra that was my exes. The weakness that they fed upon to grow large and become their own entities of torment.

The fear of acceptance, of rejection. The driving force behind my self-destructive inclinations and willing martyrdom. The desperate need to please and constantly feel like I have to show value, and avoid the things I struggle at in case they make that value lessen. That if I make waves or rock the boat, that the rug will be pulled from underneath me. The door to belonging will be slammed shut in my face. And that I would think its a justified reaction, tear myself to pieces because I dared speak my mind or voice my thoughts. To assert myself. And I'm not wrong to do so, to stand up for myself.

In the midst of our shared silent sobs and cries, lips breaking their hold so that we rest our heads on each other's shoulders, the memory vault slowly fades from existence. Replaced by the swirl of sweet, warm wind scented with cherry blossoms and flowers of all make. Birds singing and chirping their secret tunes overhead in branches, from perched beams along the roof, or more cheekily from the bench we rest on. My eyes slowly opening, head in Akiko's lap as she gazes down softly to me, a cherry petal lazily twirling and falling in between us to rest on my nose.