Walking Disasters and Me

True to her prophecy, after Sandy manages to help my mind untwist itself from its frayed state, I lead us out of the library... vault... thing. Away from the bookshelf I now dread and back to the park where she once more places my head in her lap. It's one thing to start trying to come to terms with what happened. What I di-... What Samantha and I went through. But quite another knowing that particular memory is just within arm's reach. Taunting and waiting.

On top of that, while I am trying my best to take my sister's words to heart and shift the perspective of what happened, its still so fresh. Vivid. I doubt I'd actually need to use the memory palace mcjibble for at least the next few months to recall everything perfectly. And I know that she is right, that realistically I couldn't have even hoped to have stopped what happened from happening. Not as I was, and not with whatever was going on with Akiko feeding into me. But putting distance between what I did during and felt afterwards and my current self is just... a lot to ask right now.

Not to mention that it also raises the troubling issue of Akiko and I's connection in and of itself. If she can so drastically alter my mental state, am I even me? Where do my feelings and thoughts and actions stem from if my own emotional state is being overpowered by her? I had thought our connection wasn't strong enough to... I don't know, take control of me or something. The few times we've shared intimate emotions and moments, it's still been clearly alien sensations. Real, powerful, but wholly different and identifiable from my own processes and mental state.

What happened in the bunker though? It was like my sanity got ripped out of my skull, replaced by the urge to commit wanton slaughter. To fulfill any and every base human desire. Gluttony, wrath... Lust. Even pride, when my enraged state noticed how easily I was still overpowering Sam even after she activated her body technique. The only things missing from the equation were envy, greed, and sloth, but given enough time who knows what could have happened... Although maybe that's not the most correct comparison anyways...

I feel fingertips lightly trace down my cheek, scratching faintly across the skin as the trapse lower and lower. Eventually sliding past the jaw, leaving faint white marks as they dance down my neck. I shiver involuntarily, a light moan thankfully trapped inside my throat as Sandra waves her nails up and down my neck, tracing my pulse and throat in equal measure that somehow is driving me wild.

"Sorry, baby girl~." She says playfully as she leans over, shifting our positions slightly so I'm looking up at her. Honeyed eyes and curly chestnut hair that dangles in front of her softly smiling face. The image alone enough to bring an even deeper burn to my cheeks just from the mix of serenity and intensity of her features and gaze. "You were lost in your head again, so I figured I'd see how long it took you to come out of it~. I know you're still a bit gun shy on the physical stuff - especially after... well, you know - but you're just soadorable when you space out that I couldn't help but tease you a little~."

"I-it's okay... I really liked it." I whisper a prayer up to her before I can regulate or realize what I'm saying, so lost in those pools of brown that pierce my very existence that the truth just slips between my lips. Both of our eyes widen a touch at my impromptu admission, albeit for different reasons. Plainly evidenced by Sandy taking on a knowingly coy grin shortly after, one that she licks her lips from as she leans down even further to my fully flushed face. Although, no force in any universe, reality, or realm of being could ever pull my eyes from the sultry look that stirs my soul.

"Oh yeah~? Well..." Her voice purrs down to me, the smile that widens as inviting as it is dangerous. Her hanging hair begins to tickle my face, dropping around both of us like a brown curtain, shielding from any prying eyes or passersby. If there were any here in our space, I guess. I gulp, the hand performing ballet on my neck pirouetting back to my cheek as she huskily finishes her thought, tips of our noses touching, "I really like that you liked it~. I can't wait to find out every single thing that makes you a mess, baby girl~."

She giggles at my dumbfound expression at her being so candid about things, when before she's been fairly reserved. But as she pecks the tip of my nose, the absolute lightning storm shaded in pink that flares up the second she does so makes me think she knows exactly the right speed to go still. My mouth opens and closes a few times, much to the growing delight of the retreating face of Sandra before she tilts her head, now back in its previous position.

"What~? Can't a girl have dreams~?" Another chuckle that puts the concept of music to shame, even more than when the Empress slipped up the other day though the jellified legs risk is mitigated since I'm still laying on her lap. She pauses, probably at seeing my no doubt smitten form before she returns that loving smile devoid of flirtatiousness and strokes the side of my face. "But as cute as you are right now, red face and all~, I don't think now's a good time for that particular adventure. Besides, even if I pick up my flirts here and there, I still want you to make the first move. When you're ready."

Knowing exactly what she means does put a pretty monumental damper on the situation, my face cooling somewhat despite her ginger touches as I sigh and cast my eyes towards the sky. The blue's of my soul mirroring the light above as it slowly fades to a darker sapphire, "Y-yeah... I feel guilty even feeling... well, flustered I guess is the nice way to say it. Sorry..."

The hand comforting me gently guides my eyes back to hers as she shakes her head, a gentle breeze waving her hair as she replies easily, "Don't be sorry, darlin'. I love you, and I know it's going to take some time. Even more so now. But I'm here with you every step of the way, okay?" I nod, ironically feeling the pull of sleep despite the state we are in as she coaxes her fingers through my hair. Her touch is unceasing, hitting every little spot along my scalp with her nails in the absolute perfect way that only further drives my eyelids to try and touch.

Just when I'm about to slip under, her voice rings from above my darkening vision in a cheeky tone, "Maybe when you're ready we can also see when the dictionary changed 'flustered' to mean 'have the hots for my super cool and amazingly sexy twin sister~'. Hehe~."

I jolt awake with lava hot cheeks, a mortifying yet undeniably defensive "H-hey!" exclaiming from me before I realize I'm back in my bed on Mara, my eyes looking up at the door. A knife sharp pang of fear and dread spikes through me before I check both sides of the bed to find them empty. In visible relief, I sag my tense shoulders and exhale before I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. That is, before I remember what was coating them before I finally exhausted myself to sleep with my endless apologies.

'Don't worry, Aims. Samantha cleaned you up after you passed out. She's already spoken about what happened with Akiko and the girls who got back about three or four hours after you went to sleep. How are you feeling?' The familiar high-pitched voice of Ios informs me in my head, the concern in her tone evident.

H-hey Ios, I repeat inside my head as I fall back into the bed though much less exclamatory this time, I... I guess I'm okay. Processing still, but not robotically. Sandra helped a lot there, in more than a few ways. How's Sam?

'She's fine as far as I can tell, physically at least. Going by what she told me about your interactions with her after... what happened and her own talks with Akiko and the others, I think she's also probably fine mentally. Though you can always ask her directly, when you're ready.' She replies concisely, a strange tension sitting between us as we fall into silence.

Y-yeah... Uh... I begin to ask, noticing a key part of why this interaction seems so strange. Why are you talking to me in my head instead of using the comms box? I pause before remembering a detail about the aftermath of my Intent fueled rampage, Oh and... sorry about the drone. We can get a better one for you though!

'Maybe we can, but I think it's time for something else honey. Meet me inside?' Ios says in response, my still emotionally fried mind dreading the ambiguity that I easily construe as something bad about to happen. I nod wordlessly before trying to pull my focus inward, doing my best to ignore or dismiss the meandering thoughts that I know come from the ugly thing that Sandra confronted. Whispers of how Ios wants to take a step back now, or is scared of me, or a myriad of other things that I still my mind against as I focus. It takes a few minutes, something that is almost unheard of for me these days, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised with everything going on...

I do eventually manage to open my soul avatar's eyes, the back of the sitting form of Ios overlooking the flow model in front of me greeting my vision. I stand there for a moment, the tension cranking further along the dial before I finally and awkwardly make my way to her side. Upon getting closer, I can see she has her knees tucked in and both sets of arms wrapped around them, a position I am all too familiar with at the moment. Pushing the thought aside, I sit down next to her as we both stare down at the channels, moon, and silvery bands surrounding us.

"I'm glad you're okay, Aims." She says after a moment, voice quiet and hard to place, "That you came back. I've seen enough mortals and gods fall to madness over my long life that I know how easy it is to lose yourself. How hard it can be to claw back sanity while it's being stripped away and kept from you. My kin included. And sure, part of that was Akiko finally calming down to the point where your own fear and terror at your actions overpowered the Intent, but..."

As her voice comes to rest, she turns her head toward me, at last meeting our gazes together. Sparkling tears drip from her eyes as her speech wavers, "B-but I'm glad I didn't lose you like I lost them." Relief swells within me as I dart over and wrap her in a hug, one which she returns as she silently cries against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Ios. For putting you through that. All of this was the last thing I ever wanted. Something I've been scared about happening for so long, either from the Empress or the Intent or even just the system in general. Losing myself and hurting those I love and care for in the process. I'm sorry I did that to you too." I say into her hair as we hold each other, her head shaking 'no' against my neck.

"It wasn't your fault. We should have prepared you better, taught you how to manage your nature more than just telling you the dangers of it." She says tearily against my skin, her regret ease to parse even if we weren't in the soul space. "I don't think either Akiko or I realized how quickly the Intent would grow, or how intensely the emotional loop would affect you. But you'd been in high stress situations before and only ever used it against the Heavens when they came after Sandra. We thought... I thought you were managing it..."

Her words act as a small balm against my grief; an admission of culpability that helps me shoulder the burden somewhat. Even though my nature instantly wants me to tell her that it's not true, that I should have just been stronger or had more control. Truly, a dichotomy of spirit... I decide to just take what she's offering, remembering what Sandra's strict voice told me in the [Dream Archivist] room about fault, and agree to share the guilt. Even if it hurts me to.

"We should have. I should have pushed Akiko on it, to get her to train me more. To not let my fears stop me from learning how to not be afraid in the first place..." The tendrils of black sing their siren melody at my words. Would it even have mattered if I had been studying and training? Am I not just going to be a monster, in some way shape or form between my ridiculous system aided growth and the skills and talents it gives me? Wasn't this always going to happen?

Ios' hand cups my cheek, bringing me out of the spiral as she looks on with a profound sadness. "And then there's that. Gods damn it, Aims. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry my lack of action led you to have another trauma, another heart demon. And I'm sorry I couldn't stop you while it was happening either. I understand if... if you're upset at me. I would be." A sniffle as I hold her back to my neck. "I'm supposed to be your guide through all of this... but lately all I've done is fuck up. Make you doubt me. And now this..." She pauses, a small choke of a tear-soaked sob breaking her speech before she faintly whispers her final thought, "I'm sorry that I failed you."

"You've never failed me, Ios." I reply after resting my head against hers, my own tears coming to brim as we embrace. "You may have messed up. Quite a few times. Putting Sandy and I here, keeping secrets, lying by omission. And you have certainly chosen some extremely bad times to try and hit me with logic instead of just letting vent for a few moments." She chuckles against my neck as I smile and close my eyes, the off blue and muted gray of the space lightening up somewhat.

"But I haven't ever thought that you failed me. You're just trying your best, same as I am. And sometimes that means failing, something which we both suck at dealing with. I love you, and I need you here with me. I can't do this without you, and not just from some mentor relationship perspective, or warlock-power-giver thing. I need you as my friend, and someone I cherish, who will do their best to keep me on the straight and narrow. Something I desperately need right now..."

Ios nods a couple times before moving back and giving me small, quick kiss on the cheek before facing me once again. "Thanks, Aims... That means a lot to me. I'll always do my best for you, for Sandy too." I give a soft smile back to her before she wipes her eyes and continues, "Well, I'll save the rest of the emotional moments for later. Otherwise, we're just going to be stuck in here for eternity~." Ios jokes, a bit of her usual carefree attitude coming back to life after our heartfelt confessions to each other.

"Right, what was with all the cloak and dagger stuff back in the room? Akiko surely knows I'm awake by now." I ask to her as we stand, patting non-existent dust from our behinds on reflex.

"Yep, she does. But I asked her to let me talk to you first. Just to see if you were up to... er... dealing with her." She says as she scratches her chin in thought, like she isn't quite sure how best to describe whatever fate is awaiting me. Which, doesn't really help lessen the anxiety of everything. Ios notices, waving both her hands in front of her as she explains, "Don't worry, she isn't upset or anything. She is just veryinterested in making sure you're okay.

While I'm beyond glad that Sandra was able to help, I didn't know if you and her were going to link up while you slept. Or - that even if you did - if she'd be able to help you work through some of what happened. If you'd still be... traumatized for lack of a better word. So in an effort to spare you further emotional damage from a beyond clingy and worried kitsune, after muchconvincing and assurance I told the fox to go wait in the gardens until you called for her."

Yeah... that would have probably been bad. I was definitely not in a good head space when I passed out in Sam's arms. Not to mention who knows what would have happened if she would have started getting affected by it, which in turn would have fed back into me... Heavens, we are going to need a therapist 24/7...

Ios nods in agreement, though leaves it at that as I ponder. Instead, she brings up another point she wanted to discuss, apparently. "Also, I want to be honest with you about something. I don't know if you noticed with how hectic and unstable you were at the time, but... *Sigh* it wasn't just my drone that got smashed that stopped me from reaching out to you..."

I give her a questioning look as she takes my hand in one of hers, our eyes locking on to each other as she carefully and continues, "I had to seal myself off from you while you were lost to the Intent. While it may not be as profound as a true and developed soulmate connection, we do share emotions just by the merit of our situation. That's part of what I meant when I said I was sorry I couldn't stop you..." She looks down, her voice getting smaller as she keeps on, "If I could have stayed, I might've been able to buy something from the shop to knock you out. Or just calm you down. But it all happened so fast. As soon as you screamed the first time, I had to leave. I didn't come back until you were asleep, where Sam caught me up on everything."

"W-where did you go? I thought you were stuck inside me like Sandra is for now?" I ask out, confused on what she's getting at while also adding yet another reason to regret everything that's happened.

"I uh... went to the Empress..." She answers back awkwardly, my deadpan response all that needs to be said about the ridiculousness of that statement.

Although I do add in a muted, "What?" just for kicks.

"I couldn't seal myself off well enough to stop the emotional bleed over on my own, so I kind of had to ask her to help me... I get what you mean about her being intense though. Her physical manifestation does not do her justice." Ios says with a firm nod of her head, like that answer answers anything.

"That is so not the part that I'm getting hung up on, Ios. Just... What?! How?! Ugh. You know what, let's just come back to this later. The important thing is that you're safe. And that I'm also sorry that I put even more stress and worry on to you, of course. But I get the feeling this isn't where you were going with this." I sigh as I rub my soul avatar's temples in one hand. "Just... You were right about me still being burnt out. I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally. And I still need to go and show my face to the others, to face the music for... for everything. Again, I love you, but can you please get to the point for now? I promise we can talk about the how's and why's later."

"R-right..." She awkwardly replies before clearing her throat a couple times. "It's time we got me the body."