Perversions of the Flesh

Rosalyn Losenska

Rosalyn was getting a bit tired. It was probably night time in a normal place without a giant mountain blocking out the sun, so that made sense. It’d been a long day of walking, then the stress of healing her experiment and all of the emotional things afterwards had definitely taken their toll. Still, she couldn’t find it in her to nod off.

Ann was still crying.

Rosalyn and Kat had gone ahead, and she and Bren had followed a little bit afterwards. The tent was silent while they waited, and Kat hadn’t let her leave the embrace the entire time. Rosalyn wasn’t sure if the princess was crying too, but Rosalyn’s heart was tight to the point of pain. She’d messed it all up.

“Kat? I’m sorry,” she said for maybe the thirtieth time.

Kat just squeezed her back, burying her face in Rosalyn’s hair. She was waiting for Ann, Rosalyn knew. Waiting for the person who could put into words what Kat couldn’t. Her big dragon was always a woman of actions, and her words could come out angrier than she meant them.

So, Rosalyn waited too. She snuggled into the embrace and tried to let Kat know she loved her, even after all of this. Especially after all of this, considering they hadn’t just tossed her out.

Footsteps approached. One set was unsteady, and the other burdened. Bren lifted the tent flap and helped Ann inside. Gently, he set her on her bedroll and left. He didn’t look at any of them. Just left them to their privacy. His shadow passed around the tent, leaving dark spots against the canvas as he set the noise bugs.

Ann was crying.

“Ann,” Rosalyn said. She wanted the crying to stop. It hurt to watch her love sobbing like that. “I’m so sorry.”

That only redoubled the crying. Rosalyn looked up at Kat for help.

The princess shook her head and held a finger to her lips.

So they sat there and waited. Ann’s sobs faded to sniffles, then to unsteady breath after a while. When she raised her head to look at Rosalyn, her eyes were puffy and red. “Why didn’t you talk to us?” Her voice was weak, quiet, hoarse from crying.

Rosalyn wanted to hug her. She wanted to go over and tell Ann it’d be alright. Kat’s arms kept her sitting there. “I said. I was scared.”

“Yeah,” Ann sniffled. “I know. But why were you scared? Did we do anything to make you scared? Did I? Fucking shit, I did, didn’t I?”

“Ann, no.” Rosalyn felt a lie, a comfort, coming to her lips that wasn’t real. Something Xirali would say. “You didn’t do this. Heck, neither of you did. It was me. I… I got stuck. Stuck in how I’m used to everything working. I didn’t want to hurt you. Either of you. I just have… problems thinking that other people understand my brain when I try stuff like this.”

“You cut yourself! You pulled your own guts out!” Ann said. Her voice shook as tears threatened their presence again. “I don’t get it, Rosalyn! I don’t get that at all! How’s that supposed to not be fucking terrifying?”

Rosalyn faltered. “I dunno. I guess I just got so used to taking apart dead things that the live version of me didn’t seem that different?”

“That’s fecked, love.” Kat’s first words ripped through Rosalyn’s rationalisations. Of course it was.

“Rosalyn, we put people who did stuff like this into hospitals they couldn’t leave in my time,” Ann said. “That was just for cutting themselves! What you did? God, I don’t think they’d let you move, much less leave, until they knew you were better. Medicine, lots of talking about what made you do this. It would have been months or years before anything would even be thought about. I don’t have that luxury here. I don’t have a dozen psychologists and doctors to look after you. I just have me!”

“Me an’ Bren, too,” Kat reminded.

Ann nodded, rubbing a red-raw eye. “You two, too, yeah. Rosalyn, what you did. I don’t know what to do about this.”

“I say we send ‘er back tae Korvas,” Kat said. Her voice was so flat. So tired.

“That’s my gut reaction, too,” Ann nodded.

Rosalyn’s heart sank. They were. They were going to send her away. They didn’t get it. None of them did. She’d been silly to think that maybe they’d accept this. It was way too much for anyone else. She wanted to run. Run and run until she could just be alone again. She’d just make another hut and live out in the woods again. She’d done it before. Maybe these mountains could use a Druid?

No. Something inside her told her that wasn’t a possibility. Not anymore. She was not who she’d been for all of those years. She’d grown so much, and running wasn’t something she could do. Not from Ann. Not from Kat. They were everything to her.

“Please, no.”

“Then what’re we supposed tae do?” Kat shouted. “We can’t let ye keep doin’ this. It’s destructive, an’ ye’ve got a feckin’ voice in yer head urgin’ ye on! We can’t…. Can’t let ye keep on like tha’. I’m sorry, me sweet li’l lamb.”

Rosalyn faltered. Kat’s hug wasn’t crushing. It was all-encompassing. Her heart pounded against her back as the woman held her close with everything she had. Rosalyn hugged those scaly forearms back, not entirely sure what to say back to that.

Maybe she was starting to get it; why they were so scared. It wasn’t really her. It wasn’t really what she’d done. Well, it was, but more of what Ann knew about other people who’d done it.

“Ann, I dunno what the other people you knew about who did this kind of thing were like. Could you tell me?” Rosalyn asked.

Ann’s shoulders slumped, but she never let go of Rosalyn’s hand. “It’s not good. Just… fair warning. I know a couple of people close to friends. I was lucky, mind, that it wasn’t someone closer to me. Just, they’d get way too inside their heads. Nothing felt good for them anymore, and they just couldn’t see a way out. Sometimes it was just feeling hopeless or numb. I’m sure it’s not something that’s gone away.”

Kat shook her head. It made her braids brush against Rosalyn’s cheeks. “Nae. Still plenty o’ tha’.”

“Yeah. Thought so. Well, some people hurt themselves. For some of them, it was just a way to feel that was under their control. Shit was so terrible for them that pain was actually a good thing. Others, it was them being so desperate for recognition of their hardships that it was a cry for help and attention. The others were actually so,” Ann’s voice choked up. Rosalyn saw the struggle she was going through to get the words out. “Their brains were so messed up, or something had convinced them that it was so hopeless, that they just figured not existing anymore was better than the struggle. Do… do you feel like that, Rosalyn?”

Rosalyn knew what she was talking about. It happened now and then during the long winters. Someone would just fall into a heavy mood, and then you’d find them a couple of weeks later, hanging by their rafters. Sometimes they just wandered off and didn’t come back. Sometimes you could tell, but sometimes you couldn’t.

“Ann. It’s not like that,” Rosalyn said, trying her best to sound convincing. It was hard around the tears. “No, no no no. No, not what this is about. Oh, Gods, no, Ann.”

Kat’s arms released her, and Rosalyn fell onto Ann. She wrapped herself around Ann and held on tight. The woman was shaking as badly as she did sometimes.

“Ann, this wasn’t about that. It’s… you definitely have a reason to think it was. I’m so sorry. I broke your trust and didn’t tell you. I was just so curious, and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t know why I like the pain. I really don’t. It’s not… I don’t think it’s like what you were talking about? I don’t like the hurting during sex because of those reasons, I guess? I don’t like getting hurt outside of it. This?” Rosalyn squeezed Ann. “What happened tonight was something totally different. It hurt! I could deal with it, but I didn’t like it. Still, I just… I needed to know, you know?”

“No,” Ann choked out. “I don’t.”

Well, that wasn’t great. Rosalyn really couldn’t put it into words the way she wanted. It was two different types of hurt. Hurt good, and hurt bad. Rosalyn was used to hurting good during sex, but the hurting bad was outside of it?

“I don’t really have words for it, Ann. Just, it’s nice and more when we’re in bed, but outside, it’s ouch? It’s dumb. Kat, that like fighting for you? It’s different when you’re having sex?”

Kat actually nodded. Wait, she totally would get it. “Ann, it’s like us sparrin’ an’ gettin’ heated off o’ it. We’re hurtin’ each other, but we’re not tryin’ tae kill each other. Like, ye get a good hit in on me cheek, an’ I’m thinkin’ how hot it is ye can pull that off? Somethin’ like that, aye?”

“Yeah!” Rosalyn nodded excitedly. “Like, you biting me is just another part of something that’s great, and I love trusting you with, but if it’s outside of sex and that whole deal it… like, I get hurt. I don’t get anything out of it. I know I can deal with a lot more pain than most people, but it’s not like it’s a good thing.”

Ann wiped her eyes and took a deep, clogged-up breath through her nose. “We’re getting off topic. That’s not the problem. I get masochistic stuff. It’s the fact you’re pulling your literal guts out and don’t seem bothered by what the hell you’re doing.”

Darn. She had gotten distracted. “Yeah. I… that was too far,” Rosalyn admitted. It’s what they wanted to hear, and after some time to actually think about what she was doing, she agreed. She’d done everything right to cause minimal harm, but it was still over the top without other people supervising. But she’d had Xirali watching, right?

Yeah. I was right there for you. I coulda called any of the others if things went wrong.

“But… but I had Xirali?”

“Rosalyn, do you remember what she did when I attacked her? Accused her?” Ann said with a deadly coolness.

“She… she laughed.”

“Yeah. She is not your friend. She’s trying to get at you, and not in the ways that Dearc is Kat. If I could, I’d rip her out and kill her right now. I can’t.”

“But, but she was giving me so many ideas…”

“Rosalyn. Lambchop.” Ann broke the hug and cupped her cheeks, long fingers playing against the roots of her horns. “She is not your friend. She’s not Waheela.”

“What makes you so sure Waheela isn’t doing the same thing?” Rosalyn sniffled, unable to look away from the beautiful green eyes staring into her soul.

“I don’t. The difference is that I’ve been so damn wary of her for so long, and she’s gone from openly hostile to legitimately helpful. Any boundaries I’ve set with her, she’s respected since the mess in the capital. I still watch her carefully, but I take what I can from our interactions. You need to learn how to balance that even more than I do. Actually, one sec.”

Ann went quiet. Her eyes went out of focus, like she was looking at her stats. Something told Rosalyn she wasn’t.

“Alright, I don’t have enough practice to bring you two into my soul, but I can do the next best thing. Waheela, since I took off her muzzle, can talk now. Don’t freak out. She’s explicitly only allowed to do this when I tell her it’s ok.”

Ann’s eyes changed a little. Maybe it was just the light, but Rosalyn thought they took on a slightly more silver hue. A deep, rumbling voice tore from her throat, and she winced. “Sheep, this is not how I wished to first reveal this.”

“Holy shite!” Kat jumped. “Ann, ye’re not puttin’ this on?”

Ann’s eyes shifted again, back to their normal green. The change was so quick! “No. Ow, that hurts my throat. Can you try to sound normal, ya damn wolf?”

Back to silvery eyes. “No, pup. This is my voice, and I will not lower myself to changing it for something like this. They will hear my words as they are.”

Green again. Ann was back. “Fine. You owe me a cough drop.”

Ann made a deep laugh that vibrated Rosalyn. Kat was staring at her, hands twitching like she was deciding whether to attack or not. “Be at ease, Katlyn. She can shove me back as easily as you sheathe your blade. I only speak because she allows me to. I know of the lizard inside your soul and the goat within the lamb’s. We share an origin I cannot reveal, but with our natures and connection to the pup’s nature, I would consider myself the eldest and most capable.”

“Yet ye can just pop out like this, now?” Kat asked, her hands still looking for her sword and shield.

Rosalyn was fascinated. Two creatures sharing a body, and they were obviously growing closer. Being able to speak through another’s body was a crazy development. What else would Ann be able to do? Would they be limited to things like this, or would they be able to manifest other physical things?

I can’t wait to see! A giddy voice in her head said. Rosalyn had to agree, even though her faith in Xirali was actively being stripped away.

“I can,” Waheela answered. “I would get to know you both better, as well, if you would allow. Ask, and if Annita allows, I will answer. She’s given me permission to speak my mind for this conversation.”

“Why should we trust you?” Rosalyn was surprised by her own words. Well, not entirely. They were putting so much doubt on Xirali, and Dearc had proven itself incredibly hostile, so why should they trust this third spirit that called itself one of them?

“You should not. I am someone you have only just met, and until you know my scent by heart, you should not trust me. You are Annita’s pack. She is your mate. I am someone whom you have not met except through her descriptions, yet I would call myself part of her pack. That makes me an intruder until you decide I am to be trusted. I do not expect you to welcome me right now.”

Kat’s hands stilled, gripping her knees as she stared down the wolf in Ann’s body. Rosalyn did the same. She didn’t see a lie in the woman’s face or hear one in her words. “Alright. I guess that’s better than what Xirali tried.”

“Aye. I’d rather ‘ave someone not expect trust off the bedrock than try tae gain it instantly.”

“Very well. Now, the goat. Xirali, you call it? Rosalyn, she is not to be trusted. I am aware of the nature of her spirit. She will always be whispering in your ear. She will always try to seem helpful. The most dangerous lie is one clad in truth. Ann, that’s the correct phrase, right?”

Ann’s countenance shifted back to normal. “Eh, more or less. Pill easier to swallow when put in cheese or a spoonful of sugar-there are a lot of ways to put it.”

Back to the silvery eyes. “An adaptation of honeyed words?”

Ann was back. “Never thought of that. Was just a song in an old movie.”

Waheela again. “The honeyed words phrase fits. They will sound innocent. They will sound helpful. You must scrutinise every word she tells you for a lie.”

“But… I don’t wanna. I wanna be friends, like you two,” Rosalyn said. She felt her lip quivering. “Why can’t I have that?”

Waheela sighed. “Maybe someday you will. When you’ve become such a master of yourself that her lies will not find purchase, and she comes to know that her efforts are fruitless. Maybe then she will extend the proverbial olive branch. Even then, care for hidden thorns.”

It was so strange hearing Waheela for the first time. She sounded old. Ann was practically a child compared to how old her body actually was. Maybe this was what she’d sound like. What the old spirit was saying was right, though. Who else would know one of them better than her? Still, the advice smelled wrong. The advice she was giving wasn’t wrong, but it could apply to her as well.

“I… like, thanks for the advice, but that’s advice that applies to you, too? Right? Like, if she’s like you, the…”

Ann’s face creased as she glared. A low rumble filled the woman’s chest. “I am not like that thing. I have pride. It wallows in deception for its ends, and I will face the world and devour it all.”

Ann was suddenly back in control, holding up a hand. “Sorry, you hit one of her buttons. Shoulda warned you she’s really prideful. I mean, the whole wolf thing comes with pride. So, yeah, careful with that. Also, her default angry threat is devouring the world. Still working on something else for her to say, like killing someone’s mother. I dunno. Alright, letting her back out. She’s not going to threaten anyone again. Right?”

Waheela resurfaced. She looked genuinely bashful in Ann’s body. “Apologies. My anger is quick, and Annita is giving me an outlet for it. I meant the first part of what I said. We are as different as I am from the lizard you call Dearc. The creatures inhabiting Bren and Lucia are as varied. They will attempt to control and persuade in their own ways. I tried to feed Annita’s hunger, her desire for so much in this world, and twist it to my own. I found my hunger changed by hers. Found her love a suitable substitute for the rage. Her pack is one to keep. I would see that done.”

“What she’s saying is that she’s a big softie that tries to hide behind being a big grumpy wolf,” Ann laughed. “I’ve been using every skill I’ve got to make sure she’s not lying about this, and some other stuff I’ve been learning. As far as I can tell, she’s telling the truth.”

“As I said, you’re wise to mistrust a newcomer to the pack.”

“So, what, I just need to make sure that Xirali’s telling the truth before I listen to her? Is that it?” Rosalyn asked. “Just don’t listen to her?”

“She’s also sayin’ tae talk tae us,” Kat said. “We can help ye figure out if she’s lyin’. I swear tae Illdall, if ye hide things like this again, I’ll personally escort ye back tae Korvas regardless o’ the consequences.”

“I… I understand,” Rosalyn said, hanging her head. “No more being alone.”

Kat sighed and leaned her head to the side with a tired smile. “I didn’t say that, Little Lamb. That’s unfair, as much as I feckin’ hate tae say it. Just, can ye stick wit’ us fer a bit? Guess I need tae make sure ye listened. Fer me sake, please?”

It was hard for Rosalyn to agree. Ann was back, and just waiting for her response. The look she wore made it clear that her request was the same as Kat’s. Just for a bit? Rosalyn could do that.

“So, I can keep researching? Digging into things?”

“As long as it’s not by yourself, and one of us is around,” Ann nodded.

“Ok. Ok, I can do that.” It was more than Rosalyn had hoped for. It was a restriction, but one put on her out of love and worry. She didn’t want it to chafe. Still, it stunk that she’d even gotten to this point. “I love you two.”

“We love ye, too,” Kat said, wrapping them in a hug.

“What about me?”

Rosalyn pulled back to find Waheela’s silver-green eyes looking at her.

“We’ll see,” she said with an exhausted giggle. “Now let Ann come back. We all need sleep.”

It was one of the few nights they slept in their clothes. Everyone was too exhausted to actually get undressed. Rosalyn was wrapped up tight between her girlfriends. Her safe place. Slowly, she drifted off.

Xirali laughed all the while.