Chapter 6: She really did
My daily routine had been the same for months. Wake up, go to school, sit by myself at lunch, come home, play games or read manga, do homework, go to bed. Repeat five days a week. Weekends were just longer versions of the same thing without the school part.
I told myself I liked being alone because it was easier. No drama, no expectations, no one to disappoint. But maybe the real reason was that I was scared. Scared of trying and failing. Scared of putting myself out there and having people reject me.
’Like what happened with AJ in middle school,’ I thought.
AJ had been my best friend in 7th grade. We hung out every day, played the same games, liked the same shows. I thought we’d stay friends forever. Then his dad got a new job and they moved to another city over the summer.
We texted for a while, but it got less and less frequent. Eventually he stopped responding altogether. Probably made new friends at his new school and forgot about me completely.
That had hurt more than I wanted to admit. Not just losing a friend, but realizing how easy it was for someone to just disappear from your life. One day you’re important to them, the next day you’re not.
So I decided it was safer to not get attached to anyone. Couldn’t get hurt if you didn’t care, right?
’Except that plan kind of sucked,’ I thought. ’Being safe is boring as hell.’
And lonely. Really fucking lonely, even though I had convinced myself I preferred it that way.
But today, talking to Nina, I remembered what it felt like to actually connect with someone. To have someone care about whether you were okay. To laugh with someone who thought you were funny.
It felt good. Really good. Like taking a deep breath after holding it for too long.