Chapter 225: The Warmth I Didn’t Deserve
Chapter 225: The Warmth I Didn’t Deserve
A few hours had passed since Layla’s slap landed on my face. The sting on my cheek had long since gone numb, but its strange echo still lingered in my mind.
I didn’t have the slightest desire to return to my room right now, so I decided to wait on this cold bench until Iris was done with her business.
Though, the weird, judgmental stares from the people passing through the academy courtyard weren’t exactly comforting either. I could more or less guess what kind of whispers and exaggerated rumors were circulating about me. I was the talk of the academy.
Looking on the bright side, at least I was pretty popular... just for all the wrong reasons.
Anyway, it seemed Iris was finished, because I could sense her walking toward me from a distance along the snowy courtyard path.
Tracking her every step and breath from this distance occasionally made me feel like a creep—like some sick stalker.
But I had no other choice. With unpredictable, dark-minded lunatics like Toven, Charles, and Luxurion roaming around, I couldn’t leave her unguarded for even a second. Iris was too innocent for the cruelty of this world.
I slowly slipped my left hand into my pocket and pulled out that small velvet box. I opened the lid slightly and looked at the ring inside. Resting in the palm of my hand was the elegant ring I had bought to propose to Iris.
I had secretly gauged her ring size once while holding her hand. This ring would fit her perfectly. The only thing left was to actually give it to her... But I still hadn’t, and I didn’t plan on doing so anytime soon.
At first, this whole ring and proposal thing felt like nothing more than a ’duty’ I had to fulfill, a lingering desire of my past self. But when I truly saw Iris, when I spent time with her, I realized the truth.
She deserved so much more than my stupid fantasies and desperate dreams. That pure light shining in her eyes when she looked at me, that genuine smile playing on her lips, her cheeks flushing at the slightest compliment... Every single thing she did was so full of warmth that I couldn’t be selfish enough to drag her down into my own darkness.
Besides, I wasn’t even sure what would happen to me or this world when everything was over. When I doubted I could even protect my own life, how could I guarantee anyone else’s?
Names surfaced from the dark corners of my mind, one by one... Lilith, Fredrinn, Cordelia, Cryoma, Cecilia. I hadn’t been able to protect them. I hadn’t been able to protect anyone. Logic screamed at me that I should be devastated for them, that I should shed tears and writhe in agonizing guilt.
But the only thing I felt in the center of my chest, right where my heart was supposed to be, was an icy, strange calmness. A terrifying peace. It was as if, as long as I stayed alive and kept breathing, the destruction of everything else was nothing but a meaningless triviality.
I wanted to be disgusted by this apathy, to hate myself for it, but I couldn’t even manage that. Because deep down in my soul, a voice kept whispering that I was doing ’the right thing,’ no matter the cost.
It was exhausting.
Thinking, breathing, existing... Everything was just so tiring.
This endless struggle just to survive, without even knowing what awaited me at the end of the road, was eating away at my soul.
"Cassian?"
Warm fingers brushing against my cheek pulled me out of the dark vortex I’d fallen into in a single, swift motion.
When I looked up, Iris was standing right beside me. The cold had painted her cheeks a faint pink, and a few white snowflakes were caught in the red hair cascading over her shoulders.
"What’s wrong?" she asked, furrowing her brows slightly. "You seem really out of it."
Keeping my eyes on hers, I tightly closed my fist around the ring and slipped my hand into my pocket, trying not to let her notice. In a split second, I had already transferred it into my dimensional ring.
Iris’s green eyes immediately narrowed. "What was that in your hand?"
"What?" I asked, making sure to keep my voice as flat as possible.
"You had something in your hand. I saw it—you hid it in your palm and put it in your pocket."
I shrugged. "You’re seeing things."
"Liar!" she said, placing her hands on her hips. "Are you hiding something from me?"
"No," I said, maintaining my calm expression.
"Then show me your pocket."
"My hands are cold, Iris," I murmured, leaning back slightly. "So I’d rather keep them in my pockets."
"Cassian!" She said my name like a reprimand. She was glaring at me with a pouty, yet stubbornly determined look. I knew very well she wasn’t going to give up. "Fine, then I’ll look for myself!"
The moment she said it, she sprang into action. She suddenly leaned in, shoved her small hand—slightly red from the cold—into my coat pocket, and started rummaging around.
Her closeness, and the faint, sweet scent of winter radiating from her, caught my breath for a second. After a few moments of hopeless digging, she pulled her hand out empty. There was sheer confusion on her face.
"Where did you put it?!"
"Put what?" I asked, tilting my head with a faint smile.
"That thing you were just holding in your hand!"
"What thing?"
Iris let out a huff, finally giving up, and sat down next to me. She gently rested her head on my shoulder. Despite the freezing weather, the warmth radiating from her instantly enveloped me.
After a moment of silence, she murmured, "Give me your hand."
"Why?"
"Just give it!"
I didn’t object. I took my hand out of my pocket and held it out to her. Even if she tried, she couldn’t find the ring anymore; in that brief moment, I had already transferred it to my hidden dimensional ring. And since I kept my dimensional ring concealed too, it was impossible for her to see it.
She took my hand. For a few seconds, she just held it like that. Then suddenly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, she intertwined her fingers with mine and clasped my hand tightly.
When I looked at her, she quickly averted her eyes. It wasn’t hard to tell anymore whether the flush on her cheeks was from the cold or from embarrassment. She tugged her scarf up slightly over her face. Her voice came out muffled and quiet:
"What? You’re the one who said your hands were cold."
My heart swelled with an intense, warm feeling it hadn’t felt in a long time. That small touch between our fingers washed away all the exhaustion and darkness inside me, if only for a moment.
Why did the book say I needed to propose to her? Right in this moment, looking at her flushed face hidden behind her scarf, I understood exactly why.