Anthesis of Sadness

In front of me, at last, I saw it in the distance. Him. The one I had longed for so much. Not a being, not a god, not even an enemy — but an obviousness. An end. A promise. He was there, standing before me like a perverse reward, an open door in a world that kept folding back onto itself. And everything in me unraveled.

I wasn’t really thinking anymore. Thoughts had melted like black wax, running down my temples, slow and sticky, until there remained only a vague sizzle, a warm mush where nothing took shape. It wasn’t me anymore, not really. More like a moving caricature, a silhouette of nerves and laughter, without structure. A leftover.

My smile widened slowly, almost painfully, as if it were splitting my flesh from the inside. The anger, the hatred, the contained rage... all of it melted into a single breath. It wasn’t an emotion anymore. It was a relief. A release so deep it became absurd. A deliverance bordering on madness.

So I laughed.

I laughed with a bottomless laugh, a disjointed, nervous, broken laugh — a laugh that was no longer human. I bent over, breathless, lungs twisted, belly shaken by a joy too violent to be real. I burst out laughing the way one bursts into sobs, without filter, without control, without shame. My laughter echoed against nothing. It got lost in the void.

At that moment, I think something cracked. Not outside. Inside. A small crack, discreet, almost tender. As if my mind, too stretched, too worn, had decided to give in without a sound. I didn’t feel it as pain. More like a release. A lucid, voluntary, delicious surrender. As if I had finally agreed not to understand.

Because I had won.

Because, in a twisted way, in a way no one would ever understand, I had fucked this world. I had gone through all its traps, all its rigged sweetness, all its trapped caresses, and I was still here, alive, standing, facing it.

My end.

My way out.