Chapter 44: [ - 044] Don’t think about it
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We stayed together until dawn broke. I felt a little sorry for the coachman, but we sat like that for a long time in the carriage beneath the starlit hill. I quietly waited for Roardnes to gather his thoughts as he hunched over his robust body. I stared at the dried blood on his undone shirt. The blood that had been rapidly circulating through his body had suddenly cooled. A thought I had momentarily pushed to the back of my mind, while I was caught up in a series of important events, came back to me, sending chills down my spine. Roardnes dying after me, or dying out of self-loathing. Neither was what I wanted.
Roardnes, deep in thought with his hands on his temples, occasionally looked up at me. I forced a smile, but I wasn't okay at all. No matter what, I had to return to the Duke's mansion and fulfill my other purpose. What should Roardnes and I do from now on? The immense love he had shown me and the betrayal of Noevian, whom I had once loved with all my heart, created a sharp divide in my heart. My affection for Ann, my longing for those glorious days, and the rational attraction I felt for him, who had grown more splendid than I had imagined—all of these things pressed firmly upon my heart. But as long as I had unresolved debts with Noevian, I didn't have the emotional space to start a new love. Perhaps Roardnes was also caught in the same dilemma. Feelings were feelings, but I couldn't ignore reality. As the second prince, the most favored younger brother of the emperor, could a woman named 'Blie Acacia' be a suitable match for Roardnes? Could Roardnes, who had lived so hard to be by the side of his family, especially the crown prince, after the Empress passed away, abandon his family and be with Blie Acacia, not Adriene? Even if he did, would I be happy? As I stumbled upon this fundamental problem, I felt a little frustrated despite having revealed the truth.
"...Don't do it."