Chapter 557
’Hah... At times it feels out of place... like it did not happen to me when it did... So little had I eaten and yet I still was able to push him away..... gosh... what was he even...!? Sigh... this is not healthy for my heart, haha... From denying a nightmare to now thinking of reality... which is more grieving?...’
The pain was different. Conflicting as well for everything differed from who I was at the time. Separated into two souls, there were many feelings that could not be discerned by the other. Yet now, for example... when I recall the distorted face he would make in his violence, it is also accompanied by the youthful and innocent one he had when we were younger... the one I thought was gentle and truthful... that of my older brother who cared for me when no one did..... and how this belief should have never been in my head.
"Haaa... When was it Paul... when was it that you turned depraved... how was it... what triggered the change in your spirit... in the spirit I once loved and admired so much..." — I asked the empty chambers that would listen without telling others... crying... because for many years I wanted to convince myself that he was still the boy that would play with me, teach what I had difficulty with... and protect me from the little things I feared as a child...
’... that was so long ago... before I was convinced that father wanted me away... before he locked me... hah... I feel stupid to have believed he did it for my sake... yet what else was I to believe? He was always there... he was all I could see in the end that even if violent would talk nicely and warmly... I was small and too little to know... but he also was... so how? How was he able to do all of that when only a year older than I?? I cannot understand...’
"It’s not natural..... yet no matter how much I think about it, I cannot come up with the answer only he knows..."
— My loved Marianne, forever... we will be together forever... —
"..."
There was no way I could go back to sleep with these kinds of thoughts roaming my mind. A part of me, even while aware that he was imprisoned, remembered clearly how at night he would appear by my side, at times simply looking at me... at times whispering things to me... sometimes torturing me...
It had been a miracle itself for my slumber to come sooner than I could have expected it to begin with. Nevertheless, there was quite a simple relief that my consciousness could find, and it was that the darkness of my chamber was only allowed because of the curtains restricting the birth of the day to come inside.