The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

Pwam.

I slammed my bedroom door shut.

“Haah … haah … haaah …”

With my hands on my knees, I sucked in several gasps of air, having done what the new servants claimed was impossible and successfully climbed the stairs of my tower so quickly I had gone back in time.

Sadly, it wasn’t far enough to reach the point where I was never inundated with marriage offers.

That had been happening ever since I accidentally made my first smile.

Thus, I did what I should have done before ever leaving my tower in the first place.

Wiping the sweat from my brow, I went over to the heavy desk in the corner. A fine work of darkened mahogany, tactically buried beneath history tomes, rolls of mathematical equations and star charts.

And then–

“Hnngh … nnngh …”

I began to drag.

Ignoring the protests of my carpet, I hauled the desk to the door and wedged it firmly beneath the handle. A moment later, I gathered several chairs and stacked them on top, before finally raising my hand and summoning a fae bed courtesy of the ring on my finger.

Now complete, I looked upon my improved Princess Bastion and nodded.

Indeed, this was much better!

A bed alone had proven insufficient. But as far as I knew, nothing could defeat the thick pages of history tomes or the indecipherable equations even a sphinx couldn’t solve.

Satisfied with my defences, I hummed as I went to my bookshelf, shifting aside several grimoires until I retrieved something of actual note.

A book so new its cover still sparkled.

I Accidentally Declared Myself Queen And Now He Won’t Leave, Vol. 1.

I smiled at once.

Ohohohoho!

Here it was! The most popular new debut since A Court Lady’s Indiscretion!

As the latest bestseller to have seized the world of literature, it was a book so difficult to acquire that even Miriam had been wrongfooted! Sold out in every bookshop, she’d had to personally scour the homes of noblewomen in order to find copies for us both!

Hugging the newest recommendation to my chest, I went over to the nightstand and poured myself a cup of tea from the prepared teapot. The bergamot aroma matched well with the waiting plate of cherry opera cake, the moistness evident from the slight wobble when I gently poked it.

Both passed the satisfaction test.

Thus, only a single thing was missing–

Pwoomph.

The noise of a princess’s face colliding with her pillow.

Like a fruit slime slowly absorbing a whole watermelon, I threw myself down onto my bed. Then, I reached for the duvet and pulled it over me, using the faint light seeping past the edges to read.

And just like that … all was forgotten.

“Heheheheh …”

Indeed!

This … This was how it should be!

Books! Tea! Cake! Bed!

Adventuring? Punting hooligans? Shooing away dragons?

None of those were appropriate things for a princess to do!

Why, all this time, I’d been striving to avoid the chains of marriage, and yet all that happened was that it had come full circle! Now in smiling elven form!

That’s why … I needed to do what I should have done from the start!

… Ignore everything!

Idly kicking my legs beneath my duvet, I hummed as I turned the pages of I Accidentally Declared Myself Queen And Now He Won’t Leave, Vol. 1.

As expected of my nobility’s tastes, their lust for scandal knew no bounds.

It was a tale of a princess claiming the throne through a ridiculous social mishap. An unlikely premise made worse by a gentleman con artist deciding she needed a king and thus refused to leave the castle he was trespassing in. He remained as a mere servant instead, willingly attending to her every whim.

An utterly scandalous notion, of course.

Whether princesses or queens, they deserved to be pestered only by the most impeccable of suitors.

For a criminal to woo them was outrageous, and yet for an infamous commoner to toss aside all their pride, becoming a stooge for the sake of appeasing the one they admired …

Why, it was so improper, so daring, so exhilarating … so …

So … so …

“Haaahh!”

Suddenly sweeping aside my duvet, I tossed the scandalous book away.

Its open pages smacked against Coppelia’s face as she stepped in from the balcony. She let it drop into her palms, then flipped through the pages at speed, reading it all in a single pass.

“Hmm. Not bad~” she said with a nod. “I only want to forget everything I’ve ever known! That means it’s pretty good. Some of the other books you own make me want to forget humans ever existed.”

I let out a groan.

But not because of Coppelia’s thoughts. I agreed with her, after all.

The romance genre offered many beautiful moments to illuminate the world of literature … but sometimes I also wondered if laws regarding specific combinations of words were really long overdue.

“I’ll need a taller tower,” I said, looking at the balcony behind her.

“Ooh, you can have mine! I’m planning on having it reach the clouds.”

“Excellent. When will it be done? I’ll need it built immediately.”

“No problem! I’ve already removed the mandatory need for helmets. By removing more minimum safety considerations, we can improve construction speed by at least 7%!”

“Still not enough. That insane elven woman is here. I’ll need a complete dungeon to stop her.”

“Oh, in that case, I don’t think I can help. The tower will definitely suck the loot and life out of most people. But I’m pretty sure she’ll just skip past any trap or super dangerous monster I’m secretly trying to import from the library.”

Ugh.

It was true. Despite not being an adventurer, I could tell she was worse.

Whereas they would usually rely on luck to stumble their way past any obstacle, she’d somehow headbutt a wall, break through it and cause whatever I wasn’t asking Coppelia about to escape and terrorise the local village.

“Very well. Then there’s only one solution. I’ll have to get suspicious ducks of my own. They’re the only thing that seemingly works when it comes to distracting her. How do I acquire them?”

“We have loads of suspicious ducks in Ouzelia! They can breathe cones of ice at -2,160°C. They’re really dangerous and even cause dragons to relocate. But all the heroes leave them alone because nobody wants to be the guy who died to a duck.”

I thought for a moment.

“Hmm. Useful. But no. If I have to leave my bedroom for an extended time again, then not even ducks which can ward away dragons are worth it. It’s a wonder my back survived all those nights at all.”

“I mean, it wasn’t that bad, right? You got a magical fae bed!”

“True, but all that did was remind me of what I’d left behind. My bed is the finest there is, which no amount of fae trickery can compete against.”

I proudly patted the crumpled duvet beside me. An opportunity Coppelia didn't miss.

“Wheeeeeeee~!”

Without hesitating, she flopped face down onto the stack of spare pillows beside mine. The ones now permanently dented despite the fact she officially had her own pile.

In her own room. Which she never used.

“Heheheh …” Coppelia rolled side to side as her hair spread everywhere. “I dunno why, but even though this bed is identical to the one you gave me, this one is definitely softer.”

“That’s because they’re not identical,” I said, sighing as I flopped my head back down. “The fact this bed has been touched by me means it’s automatically blessed with a princess’s softness. It’s not only the fae queens who can enchant beds, after all.”

“In that case, it’s not adventuring you need to make money. It’s just poking beds. I bet you can make loads of crowns this way!”

“Yes, well, I’ve no doubt. But it’s irrelevant. Nobody could afford my services. Except yourself. Should your current bed need blessing, please let me know.”

“Nah, it’s okay, I don’t need it. I have yours.”

“Exactly. That’s the problem. This bed is well and truly mine. It’s far more appropriate for you to sleep in the one you’ve been given.”

“Ehh, don’t wanna. Sharing is caring. Plus it’s what we did with the fae bed.”

“There were circumstances to that. Common inn circumstances. And I could hardly have you sleeping on anything I wouldn’t myself. But now it’s different. Why, you have your own royal guestroom. It’s even furnished, unlike all the other guestrooms which occasionally lack a bed.”

“Yeah, but it’s boring. Everything’s quiet. It’s too clean and there aren’t loose socks everywhere.”

I let out a gasp … all the while my foot moved to poke the floor.

Somehow, I immediately felt a loose sock.

“C-Coppelia! My bedroom is perfectly clean! … And if it isn’t, it’s because it’s always coincidentally in the process of being tidied!”

A giggle answered in response.

After a moment, Coppelia pointed up at the ceiling.

“Heheh~ plus you need me to keep Silly, Billy and Milly away.”

Horror filled me at once.

Why, those were the names of the mice dancing atop the ceilings that I hadn't heard for a while now! But only because I assumed I was home!

After all, the idea that they had somehow followed me all this way was ridiculous … right?

“Coppelia, the mice cannot possibly be here.”

“You’d think so, huh? But they’re really stubborn. I see them every now and again on the roof when I'm napping. If I don't ask them to behave, they’ll definitely start making a commotion again.”

I covered my mouth in shock.

All this time, I thought I’d escaped the clutches of insomnia … but Coppelia had been protecting me even when she was supposed to be attending her handmaiden lessons!

Why, she was even more loyal than I had possibly imagined!

“Very well,” I said, nodding up at the ceiling. “Then there is no choice. We shall continue dividing the bed so that you may ensure my safe slumber.”

“Okies~” she said, already rolling over the dividing line. Again.

“And by that, I really do mean there is no choice. The Princess Bastion is now sealed. There’s no exit or entry. Especially since you’ll stop anyone climbing the balcony route or breaking through the door.”

Indeed, with Coppelia beside me, I was more secure than any furniture could promise! And now with tea, cakes and ample reading material, I had everything needed to survive!

At long last … the Princess Bastion was complete!

Quack, quack.

With one exception.

The only door I’d paid no mind to. Mostly because even the most shameless of intruders wouldn’t use it for entry. Or so I thought.

Because what was coming from the bathroom was most certainly the sounds of a duck.

Without waiting for the explanation I knew wouldn’t come, I threw myself from my bed and hurried to the bathroom door.

Pulling it open, I was met with an outrageous sight.

“Oh, hey there,” said Ophelia, a towel on her head as she soaked in my bathtub. “Wow, your soaps are amazing. What is this? Lavender? It smells like it’s been freshly plucked.”

Caring little for the clothes strewn across the floor, she flicked several bubbles towards her ducks as they floated happily upon the surface of a bath wider than any ordinary pond.

For a moment, all I could do was watch as she played with her companions.

And then–

“W-What are you doing here?!”

“Hm? I’m taking a bath. I didn’t know it was an open space, though. Want to come in?”

I threw up my arms in exasperation.

“This is not an open space! This … This is consecrated ground!”

“Oh, so that’s where the tingling’s coming from. That’s a relief.”

“The tingling is coming from the eucalyptus leaves in the water! Something you should have seen when you shamelessly dived in! How did you even get here?! I … I ran from you!”

“Ahaha. ‘Running’. That’s cute. I’ve seen you do the thing where you move so fast it hurts my eyes. But that definitely wasn’t when you were jogging away from me. That was a princess run if I ever saw one. I liked it!”

I jabbed my finger towards her.

“You did not see a thing! And if you did, it was graceful and elegant! … Why are you even here?! You are not allowed to use my bathroom! Nobody can!”

“In that case, it’s a good thing I’m here, huh?” Ophelia gave a bright smile. “Don’t worry! I’ll fight off everyone who tries to come in through the tiny bathroom window which really isn’t tiny enough to stop intruders! You’re safe with me!”

Pwam.

I slammed my bathroom door shut.

A moment later–

“Hnnngh … hnnngh ….”

Wardrobe. Bookshelves. Nightstand. Mirror.

If it was large and semi-portable, it moved, courtesy of my groans and Coppelia’s minor help as she easily lifted everything to block the bathroom door.

Once fully sealed off and only splashes could be heard on the other side, I nodded.

“Coppelia. We have a problem.”

“Yeah, I know. We’re running out of furniture.”

“No, that’s not it. It’s clear the Princess Bastion isn’t enough. My bedroom tower is no longer safe. Your dragon was right. There are 1,058 prophecies of doom … and all of them are marriage suitors.”

“I mean, it’s probably a lot less than 1,058. I’m pretty sure the Snow Dancer is completely not against stabbing some of them. Most of them. All of them.”

“Yes, which is helpful. But that still leaves far too high a number.”

Indeed, this was a dire situation.

In the end, I was still a beautiful princess without flaws, and no matter how wealthy I was, no amount of distance between our social positions was enough to stop my suitors from falling over themselves to offer me their hand in marriage.

That meant … there was only one thing to do!

I flung open the wardrobe before me, revealing all my travelling garments … plus a dull copper ring somewhere in the corner Coppelia wouldn’t let me throw away.

Yes, it was the foolproof princess solution to all problems!

“Right! It’s time to run away!”

Coppelia raised her arms and beamed.

“Woooooo! Let’s go find a crêpe stall!”