The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

The service had significantly improved.

I expected nothing else. The last time this group of ogres had served me upon the deck of The Gentle Princess, they’d been trained by a common hoodlum.

However, ever since being taken in by the caring diligence of my eldest sister, they had learned not only promptness, but etiquette. Or as much etiquette as ogres who spoke like they spent every night in a dockside tavern could do.

“A summer sandwich medley with rosemary tea, ma’am.”

Sitting down at a makeshift tea table, I carefully leaned down to study the spread.

It was a very … rustic affair.

Loaf-sized sandwiches. Excessive amounts of fillings. No regard for colour, presentation or the health of my jaws.

From entire cucumbers to puddles of strawberry jam, the theme had clearly been to replicate some of Florella’s personal favourites. Mostly by making the portion sizes large enough that they didn’t need to serve anything else.

Clearly, none of the remaining ogres were chefs. But despite the platter falling well short of standards, it was served punctually and with the correct amount of gulping.

Thus … I offered a nod.

5.5/10.

A not unworthy effort.

After all, each time I sat down at a tea table, a new hoodlum felt compelled to harass me. To serve me sandwiches that could be used as a projectile weapon displayed excellent foresight.

Plip. Plip. Plip.

Sadly, it still wasn’t enough.

Dribbling half the lake onto my ship, a man now soggy enough to disintegrate any sandwiches upon contact casually climbed his way back onto the deck.

He was met by a gallery of cutlasses by the ogres who’d swam back long before him. And yet as he swiped away his wet hair to take in the sight of Coppelia earnestly attempting to consume the sandwiches, he merely offered an overly theatrical sigh.

That should have been mine.

Yes … I could already tell.

He was going to be one of those people, wasn’t he?

“... And so the heroine comes crashing down,” he said with a flamboyant wave. “Brighter than a falling star, she streaks towards those who would do her kingdom wrong. Except I was also in the middle of my opening sentence. My apologies, Your Highness, but I cannot help but notice that receptions have been somewhat muted as of late. Have introductions been outlawed in this kingdom, perhaps?”

I took a sip of the rosemary tea, then set it down.

“For those who lack the credentials to offer one, yes. But please do not see this as an act of disrespect. It’s simply a measure of mercy. Both to my ears and to your pride.”

“Then I dare say you’ve little need to concern yourself. I happen to hold more titles than I care to count. All of them worth less than the last, perhaps, but I’m certain you’ve humoured lesser rogues than I.”

“You do yourself a disservice. Reitzlake has no shortage of rogues, yet few are ever drunk enough to do … well, whatever this is. My congratulations. To be the most inebriated hoodlum this festival has ever known is a remarkable feat.”

The man gave a small chuckle, clearly pleased by such an accolade.

“A heavy crown. And one that requires me to prepare an adequate welcome for a princess. I see, however, that my consideration wasn’t needed. Aside from instantly slapping me away, you also destroyed the spectral crew I now have no means of summoning again. A waste. One of them could play the trumpet.”

“Goodness. Then it seems they should have been spared. A trumpet would have helped you know to swim in the opposite direction.”

“The opposite direction would lead me back to the sewers of Reitzlake. And that’s not something a princess as busy as you would enjoy the results of. Before long, the gutters would overflow until only the rats are left. And few are as adept at swimming as the most famed of them all.”

The man paused.

He stood up a little straighter, indulging in his next words to come.

“... For I am the Dancing Rat. And I have now made my return.”

Silence met his declaration.

That silence turned into a deeper silence, broken only by the dripping of water, the chewing of a sandwich and a snivel of the man’s nose. One of the ogres offered him a napkin. He waved it away, his smile undiminished even as awkwardness took hold.

I turned to Coppelia.

“He said that in a way that suggests I’ve already punted him away before. Have I?”

“I dunno. If you have, then he wasn’t important enough to retain in my memory. He has mid-level underling energy.”

“I am not a mid-level underling,” claimed the mid-level underling at once. “I am the leader of the Thieves Guild. That makes me an extremely notable figure. A keystone of the criminal underworld. I have robbed vaults that would make the hoards of dragons appear unguarded and haunted the shadows of the wise and the powerful. Not long ago, I held all of Reitzlake under my thumb. It was my finest act. And also not the last. You will be the first to witness what’s to come as the curtains rise anew, lifted by enough flames to dry even the admittedly poor state I am now in. ”

“Hmm?” I leaned forwards slightly, hands to my ears. “That almost sounded like a threat.”

“It was no threat. Merely a hint of the show to come.”

I nodded.

“Not good enough. Make it a clear and unambiguous threat.”

“Excuse me?”

“You cannot imply something will catch fire and hope that’s enough for me to take notice. Something’s always catching fire. And it’s never my fault. If you want my attention, then please be concise.”

“Being concise would dampen the effect. The fear is in the mystery.”

“The only mystery is how you could possibly think I’d respond with anything other than a yawn. Do you intend to set a stall on fire? Because depending on which one, that would just be an act of public service.”

“Rest assured, Your Highness. I am not here to perform any civil duties. Quite the opposite, actually.”

“Then I suggest you take this opportunity seriously. If you have a scheme about to come to fruition with absolutely nothing that can stop you, I should be hearing non-stop gloating. Now please threaten me.”

The man raised an eyebrow.

“... I am not so blunt as to gloat. But if you wish for slightly more details, then know this. The black flames soon to engulf your kingdom will offer no reprieve. Dawn will never again be seen, for even the horizon will be set alight in a haze of shadow, and all the eyes of the continent will turn to witness the lakes boiling and the land scarring at the birth of a new tale wreathed in–”

“Ohohohohohohohoho!”

I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.

Except I didn’t stop with just that.

After all … this was what I was waiting for!

Crossing one leg over the other, I sat imperiously, looking down at the man even as he stood taller. For no matter the height, all cowered when surrounded by the echo of ceaseless laughter. Especially when Coppelia was actively encouraging the ogres.

“Bwaha … hahaha … haha?”

“Hah. Hah. Hah.”

“Hoo, hoho, aha, ohoo, hoo!”

I smiled in triumph.

Indeed, here it was at last … the image of a princess complete!

Sitting regally while my henchmen surrounded some random interloper who sought to mildly inconvenience me, all the while he looked increasingly weary!

“Ohohohoho … ohohohoho … ohohohohoho!!”

Thus, I allowed the chorus of mocking laughter to fill the night … until eventually the chorus turned to splutters … and then the splutters into coughs.

“Ahem … my, to think you would dare threaten me aboard my own ship.”

“Your Highness, you literally just asked–”

“Regardless, I shall allow the impertinence to pass. It must be a lonely affair to be the last drunken pirate remaining in my kingdom. But while I cannot give you my ship, I can offer a balm to your solitude. Why, there should be another pirate by the name of Background Tree on Soap Island. You can keep him company.”

The man visibly shuddered.

I nodded at once. Very well. They could share the same pickaxe.

“I am no pirate,” he stated without evidence. “But that’s not to say I wasn’t one once. I go where my audience demands and where the whims of fate lead me.”

“Excellent. I suggest you audition at the Royal Arc Theatre where you can be rejected. Despite what every hoodlum thinks, my ship is not a public stage.”

“All the world’s a stage, Your Highness, and the challenge is ensuring even critics are entertained. A daunting task when one’s fellow actors persist in ignoring the script. Do you know how difficult constant improvisation is? This candid exchange was not part of the plan.”

“No? Then what was the plan? Hoping you weren’t boarded by a fisherman? You haven’t even escaped far enough that I can sentence you for stealing. You’re just obstructing the flow of traffic.”

“That would be because I’m not here to steal a ship. I’m here to steal you.”

Ugghhhhhh.

I couldn’t roll my eyes far enough. Yet even if I did, all I’d do is spot the next hoodlum who wanted to kidnap me.

“Look here, Mr. Dribbling Rat–”

“Dancing Rat.”

“Dribbling Rat. I shall be blunt. You do not have the qualifications to abduct me, much less the dry garments. What will you do? Threaten me with your damp sleeves? Or is this where you toss all theatrics aside, conjure a weapon and engage in needless violence?”

The man paused, having clearly allowed the matter to cross his mind.

“If I was here as leader of the Thieves Guild, perhaps. Princesses command the highest sums. Yet while I’m a competent swordsman, I’m also not insane. Rest assured, there shall be no climactic duel between us–for I am not the final villain of this summer tale. That would be my client.”

“Your client?”

“Despite what you may think, I’m not a mid-level underling. On the contrary, I’m highly sought after for my talents in ensuring all the actors are in the right place and at the right time. The scene might be different, but the location is correct. I therefore offer my gratitude for your punctuality.”

I was horrified.

It was getting worse.

First it was marriage letters. Then bards on the road. Then strange elven women with interview questions. Now it was drunken hoodlums trying to kidnap me on commission.

I had to put a stop to this … and that meant knowing exactly how many crowns I was missing!

“... How much?”

“Excuse me?”

“How much are you being paid to kidnap me?”

“If you hope to pay me off, that’s quite impossible.”

“I have no wish to pay you off. You can go to Soap Island. But I intend to pay everyone else off. How much is the going rate to kidnap me?”

“I wouldn’t know. I’m not being paid.”

“You’re not being paid?” I was even more aghast. “Excuse me, but I am not being kidnapped for free! … Just how poor at negotiating are you?”

“This is not an issue of communication. I’m simply not being paid because I’m being offered more than crowns. I shall instead earn the right to grace every stage that I wish. It is a bargain offer. And all for the small cost of a princess’s displeasure, a tidy hoard of treasure and a litany of artifacts none of the vultures at the Smuggler’s Guild could appropriate from my supposed corpse.”

I let out a gasp.

“So not only are you going unpaid, but you also have to provide a working fee? … That … That’s just awful! It’s not me you need to harass! It’s whoever has conned you!”

“I assure you, I’m not being conned.”

“That’s what they all say! You should value your time better! How will you maintain your place amongst the drunken hoodlums if you can no longer afford alcohol?”

The poorest kidnapper-for-hire in the kingdom let out a sigh.

“Your Highness … do you not care to ask me about the implications I made earlier concerning flames smothering the horizon? Perhaps a bit more about me and my history? My motives, at least? That would normally be the very first question. Usually with many being followed.”

“No.”

“Are you certain? It won’t take long.”

“That’s already longer than I have to spare. Why, just look at Coppelia. She’s struggling to nibble her sandwiches as slowly as possible just to humour you. If possible, please skip to the part just before I punt you away. I’ve a festival to attend and prospective maids to dress up.”

The man looked distinctly aggrieved as all the speeches he had prepared drained away, leaving his mouth opening and closing like a hungry goldfish.

A moment later, he conceded with a shrug.

“... I see the art of stagecraft eludes even princesses these days,” he said, his tone like a weary bureaucrat. “I had hoped for a more regaling exchange, but no matter. I will not insist upon your time. So here is my final line. I shall now cast off the shackles I chose to wear, so that my moment of triumph may be seared into the eyes of my audience–”

I rolled my fingers, hurrying him faster.

“–And so I offer all that I’ve collected in blood and gold. My contract is fulfilled.”

The man drew a theatrical breath, as though he had just reached the summit of a mountain.

He patiently waited.

He then continued to wait, all the while glancing to his left, his right and also between his feet.

Nothing happened.

Pwam.

Instead, he gawped as a nearby hatch opened ...

“La la laa la laa ♫.”

... Only for a certain insane elven woman to casually climb out.

There, complete with a carefree expression, a pair of quacking ducks and also a heavy sack clinking with ill-gotten loot slung over her shoulder, was someone who only appeared when I least needed her.

Still dressed in a soirée she’d never be invited to, Ophelia the Snow Dancer paused and blinked, her delicate silver hair partially covering her eyes against the faint breeze.

“Oh, hey,” she said, giving a smile and a wave. “Fancy meeting everyone here, huh? Who’d have figured we’d all be in the one place where something devious is obviously happening. Don’t mind me. I’m just doing my own thing.”

Without an explanation, she made her way to the edge of the ship.

A moment later–

Pwish.

She casually tossed the laden sack overboard.

A momentary glitter of silver and gold briefly revealed itself as the sack teased open, before being forever lost to whatever horrors existed in the bottom of the vast lake.

Ophelia watched her spoils sink with a satisfied nod, then turned back for the hatch.

Presumably to get more sacks.

“... W-Why are you here?!” I asked, palms slapping against the table as I stood up.

“Hm?” The Snow Dancer paused, her head tilting innocently. “Who, me?”

“Yes! You! Why are you here?! … Or rather, where have you been! I heard you were robbing my kingdom! Again!”

“Yeah. It’s been fun. Especially with this absolute amateur trying to follow me. Could you believe he wanted to rob me after I did all the work? Who’d do something so dumb, huh? I figured I might as well show him how to do it.”

I threw up my arms in outrage.

“If you're robbing him, then why are you dumping everything in the lake?!”

“Well, my nice dress doesn’t have pockets, so I’m keeping everything where I know I won’t lose it.”

“You're keeping your stolen valuables in the lake?”

“Smart, right? It’s handy. No one else puts their things in the lake.”

“That’s because it leads out into the Emerald Sea!”

“Yeah. I’ll just swim if I need anything.”

I was aghast.

Here she was. The Snow Dancer, fluttering her eyelashes in puzzlement even as she casually hurled my personal finances into the abyss. And yet whatever expression I wore paled in comparison to the one now fixed upon the failed pirate.

“You … did you take everything? What about my artifacts?”

“Yup. Pretty sure a shoal of salmon got to them. Some of them are really big now. And also purple.”

The man's eyes widened, the dramatic candour gone.

“You cannot.”

“I mean, they’re probably still edible.”

“No, I need everything. This is … do you know what you have done? I cannot offer half of what I promised! I’ll get half of what I was promised in return!”

In an instant, the man’s disbelief was swallowed by shadow.

A gaggle of clouds swept across the moon as if guided by an unnatural breeze, and darkness closed in around the deck of The Gentle Princess.

Only a single sliver of moonlight remained.

It fell upon the amicable smile of a common merchant, so unremarkable that he might be overlooked wherever he stood.

Even if he was leaning against the mast of a ship.

“Wrong,” said the hat merchant simply. “A contract is a contract. And for anything less than what was promised, the reward is nothing. But since I do not look to profit from my customer’s mistakes, I will take my time to count.”

He raised his fingers, his gaze turning towards me.

The shadows fled from his smile.

And then–

Click.