Chapter 483: Foreign Hospitality
The scent of freshly warmed crêpes filled the air.
Sensing my expectations, an endless row of wooden stalls lined the street, their determined owners bumping against each other as they jostled for space. Cakes, pastries and everything a princess needed to survive sparkled with the promise of edibility.
However, where there was light, there was also darkness.
“Two crêpes for couples! Buy one, get one free!”
“Lee & Tiller’s Bakery! Our limited edition sweetheart honey cakes are now on sale!”
“Learn to craft edible love tokens at our public workshop! Pair sessions free!”
“Get your punnets of freshly picked blushing strawberries right here!”
I tightly pursed my lips.
All around me, the people celebrated the arrival of their beloved princess.
Ribbons hung from window to window, weighed down by all the loose garments revellers chose to hurl at the heavens. Dancers spun at their corners, colourful streams tickling the faces of those trying to pass by. And there upon a makeshift stage, a troupe of musicians lacking a bard who was now going to be late played to an audience too drunk to boo.
Because more than anything else, there was alcohol.
Lots and lots of alcohol.
It was like an adventurer’s dream come to life, distilled into a single street.
Here, there and everywhere, tankards of golden liquid were perched upon every surface, most only half-finished while some were still bristling with foam.
A common thing when it came to public festivities.
Except this wasn’t the Summer Solstice Festival. And this certainly wasn’t Reitzlake.
It was … well, I had no idea.
Even sitting atop Apple’s back, only hints of the actual village could be seen.
All I knew was that while the lives of my farmers were modest, their festivals were anything but.
Indeed, from Coppelia throwing horse shoes around a peg, to Coppelia chasing floating apples in a barrel, to Coppelia scooping up goldfish, to Coppelia guessing the weight of a jar of sweets, it was a fanfare of noise and excitement for which no child could be left wanting.
A curious thing.
For a common village to host its own celebrations was hardly unusual, but even as a princess, I saw an impressive amount of frivolousness on display.
In fact, the only thing I didn’t see were prizes.
… Mostly because they were all being sucked up in a black vacuum.
“Okies~ I’m done here!” said Coppelia, professionally brushing away the hopes and dreams of the watching children. “Want to go loot the next village or try out the bottle knocking game first? Everyone else needs to use a bow, but I bet they’ll let you use a sword.”
Several of the children were carried away by their mothers. Others stood and gawped.
I was impressed.
Her mysterious black repository … portal … thing really wasn’t used very often. But when it was, its effectiveness bettered even Apple’s snorts.
“Thank you, but I’ll pass. I mustn’t ruin my appetite for the main festival.”
“You sure? I left a grand prize for you.”
“Is the grand prize another autographed book?”
“No, it’s a coupon for any food item at the stalls that’s priced 15 copper crowns or less.”
Coppelia handed me a scrap of parchment. I duly took it.
“... Very well, I’ll consider it. But once we reach the royal capital, you’ll be able to watch as I effortlessly win at every activity by pointing out to the stall owners how they’ve clearly tampered with it.”
“But beating the rigged stalls is fun!”
“Fun isn’t my objective. When I sample every attraction, it’s purely to ensure that all is fair and working as intended … and also to check the quality of the prizes.”
Coppelia giggled.
“It’s lucky you have a bottomless pouch then, huh? Even your village festivals are pretty good! I thought they’d just be muddy and sad like all the rest.”
“So did I, yes … but this village has clearly pooled all their crowns into this event. Their commitment to celebrate the founding of the kingdom is to be lauded. I’m certain the financial hardship afterwards will be worth it.”
Ding. Ding. Ding.
Indeed, no expenses were spared.
Summer was the season of joy. And that meant blessings for all.
Often via a chapel.
All of a sudden, the crowds began to part as a calm peal of bells sounded. Cheers and the whooping of hooligans filled the air.
I turned rigid at once.
However, it wasn’t a white gown I saw appear at the end of the street.
Just a drunkard riding another dressed as a horse. The only time I was relieved to see hoodlums.
I took a deep breath.
“Coppelia?”
“Yes~?”
“Do you sense what I do?”
“I try really hard not to. But you know, humans are gross, especially when they’re happy.”
“Yes, they are. But that’s not what I’m talking about. There is nothing but omens. I can feel the hands of fate turning away from the correct destination. We are not safe here.”
“I mean, you say we, but I feel pretty safe. Definitely no marriage letters for me.”
“True, how do you do it?”
“Easily. After all, if anyone wants to marry me, they need to be strong enough to beat me.”
Hmmmmm.
Trial by combat. An effective deterrent.
Unfortunately, it’s exactly the sort of thing Grandmother already did. And while she wasn’t defeated, she did take pity on Grandfather at the end.
“A worthy suggestion, but I’m afraid it's not infallible. Do you have any more?”
“Weeeell, have you tried saying no?”
“I literally burn all my letters. Sometimes twice.”
“Yeah, but do you actually say no?”
“Well, not in the strictest sense? … But when it comes to betrothal, that’s not the language used. As a princess, I’m subtle in both acceptance and rejection. Hence why I use fire instead of toad acid.”
“Soooo … what happens if you do say no?”
“Such a blunt refusal would likely be taken as both a personal insult and a challenge. I’d be inundated with gifts from the moment I wake up.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad. You can just keep piling them up.”
“Compared to the food coupon, the gifts are infinitely less valuable. And also more difficult to burn. The hearths deserve far better.”
Coppelia nodded in understanding, her nose the greatest victim after my dignity.
Sadly, if rejection was an option, the maids wouldn’t keep taking down the sign saying ‘mailbox not in use’ I regularly placed outside the Royal Villa.
The only language my suitors understood was crowns.
… Fortunately, it was one that Granholtz was all too willing to offer!
Indeed, in the royal capital, it didn’t take long before one slipped on one of their coins. And few had the wits to maintain their balance.
Despite the frequent boasts of our friends at the Rensdraldt Fortress, the strength of the Grand Duchess was in simple bribery, not in swords.
In that regard, it wasn’t Tristan who needed to worry most even as he set his gaze across the border. It was Roland watching how many coins rolled out of the sewers. For long before Granholtz played its hand, we would hear tides of illicit funds begin to clink.
“Oh, Marlin, good to see you! How are you enjoying the rest of the festival?”
“Good, good. Reminds me of being back at home. Love the colours.”
… But every so often, we would see all of that skipped.
Because why spend money on war or subterfuge when the option existed instead to simply deposit citizens directly into my kingdom?
I rubbed my eyes.
Then, I rubbed my eyes again.
Even so, there was no mistaking what drew my eye amidst all the fanfare.
There, idly strolling without care, was the most strikingly dressed man present.
His attire consisted of short leather breeches held by broad, embroidered straps over a green shirt, with thick stockings and sturdy shoes suited to uneven ground.
A wardrobe I’d seen before in choreographed settings.
After all, it was the traditional working garb worn by the wealthy highlanders of Granholtz, now adopted by much of their nobility during their own festivities.
This man was either a very poor spy or a very lost tourist.
I wasted no time.
Rolling up my sleeves, I hopped off Apple, then marched at once towards the crêpe stall.
“Two crêpes please,” I said, offering the coupon. “One banana and chocolate with cream. One strawberry and vanilla with chocolate flakes.”
“–Honey crumble too.”
“And honey crumble for the strawberry and vanilla with chocolate flakes.”
The stall owner studied the coupon, looked at us, then smiled.
“Understood. It’ll be ready in a moment.”
“Thank you–also, who is that suspicious individual over there?”
I didn’t even need to point. The stall keeper nodded at once.
“Oh, that would be Marlin.”
“Excellent. Is he a spy?”
“I hope not. He’s serving us all beer.”
“Excuse me?”
“Beer. Marlin’s helped set up a beer festival. You’ll find it on the other side of the village. I imagine the queue begins from the hills, though. It’s free beer, after all.”
Ughhhhh.
I had to leave immediately. The fact that every adventurer in the kingdom wasn’t already here to vomit over the cats was astonishing.
“Free beer. That is … well, that is the most concerning phrase I’ve ever heard.”
“Aye, our barkeepers think the same thing. But, well, that’s business, free or otherwise.”
“Indeed, and how does he afford this? For what reason is he dressed like a Granholtz highlander?”
“Well, that’d be because he is one. Marlin works for the Granholtz Embassy.”
I slammed my palms down against the stall.
“Coppelia, note all the evidence this man is about to say!”
My loyal handmaiden gave a thumbs-up, her mouth too full with banana slices and everything else that the stall owner was too shocked to notice.
“... Uh, well, not really sure what you want me to say? Marlin’s a good neighbour. Lives in the village despite having a better wage than most, I imagine. He managed to get the embassy to help sponsor a beer festival. Cultural ties and all. As you can see, it’s been quite successful.”
Cultural ties!
Here it was!
The tail of the viper begins to slither at last!
Why, it was both the most overt and insidious ploy I’d ever seen!
To buy the loyalty of my subjects through free beverages was something not only guaranteed to be wildly successful, but also incredibly cost effective!
Indeed, why bribe a single nobleman when an entire village could be bought for half the price?
For the Grand Duchess to have made her move while the Summer Solstice Festival was underway meant she could slip herself under my people’s noses while still drawing their eyes! A ruse written within a playbook so faded I could see past the cover!
Ohohohoho … except I intended to do more than simply read.
“I see.” I graciously accepted as the stall owner slowly handed the crêpes over. “Thank you for this information. It was very useful. Please ensure you enjoy the beer festival to its fullest. It might prove to be a very rare thing.”
“Well, I suppose I’ll just have to visit the other ones, then.”
“Excuse me?”
“Last I heard, there’s a couple more as well, plus a big one in Reitzlake. I reckon there’ll be a lot of disappointment if this was a one-off. Unless you’re a barkeeper, of course.”
“My, in that case, I suppose it’s time I make a certain barkeeper happy again.”
I offered the confused stall owner a smile as additional payment, then turned away.
As I promptly dodged drunkards flailing with tankards in hand, Coppelia skipped beside me.
“Free beer,” she mused. “The Grand Duchess’s evil knows no bounds, huh?”
“Quite so. To buy my people’s loyalty is one thing. But to impoverish my hard working barkeepers is quite another. They are the gallant souls who strive to keep the hoodlums in one place. We cannot allow this threat to go unanswered.”
“Got it! What’s the plan?”
I raised a crêpe to my lips, barely covering my smile.
“Ohohohoho … the plan is simple. We shall pay a personal visit to the Granholtz Embassy.”
“Oooh~ are we going to meet important people?”
“Indeed, we’re going to meet the Grand Duchess’s finest … and ensure their documentation is in order. Why, it requires an enormous amount of paperwork to host even a single stall. To do more than that is a bureaucratic nightmare. It would be terrible for them if a single point was wayward. Given the scale of what they’re doing, the fine incurred could be astronomical.”
Ohohohohohohoho!
Here it was!
The strands of my genius mind weaving together once again!
True, I could doubtless find a way to scoop up all the wealth buried within their embassy. But to do it under the most feeble legal pretexts was the strawberry upon the shortcake!
“Wooooooo! This sounds like a great plan! I definitely don’t need any more details!”
I smiled, glad that Coppelia was as confident as I was.
Why, this would be the simplest requisition of them all!
All I had to do was walk through the front door of a well-maintained building!
No dungeons. No caves. No forests. No ruined castles.
In short … no adventuring!
That’s right! I had no doubt I’d be spending the entire festival sampling the quality of the stalls!
… Yes, just as long as there were no unnecessary disturbances!