Chapter 481: Missed Delivery
In the forests north of the Royal Villa, summer bloomed as all the blots of a palette.
A gentle stream followed the well-used path towards the royal capital, its shimmering surface reflecting the clusters of dancing butterflies and the sunlight drifting between the shifting canopy.
A sight without blemish, despite what the badgers hiding in the undergrowth tried.
Ripened blackcurrants clung to shrubs. Wildflowers sparkled with yesterday’s dew. And moss grew upon every trunk and branch, waiting for the nearest goblin to invent the next culinary delight.
In short … all the things deserving of Apple’s snort.
Unlike the crates of carrots he could enjoy in the royal stables, here there was no morning delivery mysteriously redirected straight into his stall … which was why he paused at every opportunity, nibbling on all the things he could later scoff at while mingling with the other horses.
Something he’d been doing exceptionally well.
… Maybe even too much.
In fact, each time I visited, it was often to the sight of all the other occupants crowding around him, utterly engrossed as they listened to his tales of bearing me through danger and hardship.
And maybe also to stare at his shaggy mane.
Despite the efforts of every stableboy and squire, Apple’s appearance was exactly 2% less unkempt than usual. Combs were nothing more to his mane than hoodlums were to his hooves, and yet with each trot away from the walls of the Royal Villa, even that tiny improvement became undone.
Still, as silently dissatisfied as Apple had the right to be, it was nothing compared to the very visible shock of a certain clockwork doll.
Having tasted the world of disposable pillows, new spoons after every sip of soup and napkins which were for decorative purposes only, Coppelia could do nothing but blankly stare, her mouth wide open as she was forced to recall all the horrors of the outside world.
Indeed, she appeared utterly stunned.
… Except that rather than gazing at the surrounding forest, her wide, turquoise eyes were set wholly on me.
But perhaps that was to be expected.
After all–
Amidst all the reminders of hardship, only my smile was there to soothe her.
“Ohohoho … my, what a truly splendid day! The summers of my kingdom never fail to warm the heart, do they? See how the sun shines so brightly as though to wash away all the ills of the world. Goodness, how I missed the scent of the wild grass and the humming of the songbirds.”
Coppelia said nothing.
Instead, she only blinked.
Repeatedly.
“... Amazing. When did you replace the princess?”
“E-Excuse me?”
“You’re that doppelganger from last time, right? Where’d you put the princess? Is she in a dungeon again? Because if so, you need to leave a plate of strawberry shortcake, otherwise she’ll definitely catch up and punt you even further than Soap Island.”
“Coppelia! I am not a doppelganger! … And not that it matters, but if I was in a dungeon, I wouldn’t be distracted by a plate of strawberry shortcake.”
She let out a gasp. I rolled my eyes.
“... Very well, I might offer a small headstart. As a princess, it’s important that I sufficiently intake the correct nutrition to maintain my skin. Something doppelgangers with all their enjoyment of salads wouldn’t understand.”
“I dunno. That sounds like something a doppelganger would say.”
“What a doppelganger says is irrelevant. As already shown, no imposter can match my gentle personality.”
“Hmm … except that the princess I know would definitely react more princess-like to being outside again. Shouldn’t you be more … blurrgh? You were only lounging in your bedroom for 57 consecutive days.”
I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.
Coppelia looked like she wanted to start drawing another holy symbol.
“Ohohoho … indeed, you would think that, wouldn’t you? Having barely allowed my feet to settle in the bathtub heated on demand by a magical flaming sword, the dancing mice now seek to claim my nightmares once more. Except this time, I’m not off on an unspecified royal tour with no end in sight.”
“... Reeaaaally?”
“Really! We have a single goal. That’s to solve the threat of marriage once and for all. A truly wonderful thing to look forward to. And all it’ll take is a generous donation from my kingdom’s most inescapable rival. Why, this journey is only a short trip to Reitzlake!”
Coppelia broke into modest applause.
“Oooooh~ that’s impressive! It’s like you’ve made yourself forget that even the shortest journey is just one explosion away from a detour!”
My smile quivered.
Still, far from falling over in despair at the sight of a peaceful forest, I could take solace in the knowledge that the greatest obstacle to me lounging for 58 consecutive days would soon be over!
The fact that I was raising my hands in the princess school of martial arts whenever a butterfly fluttered in front of me? A normal reaction.
I wasn’t secretly worried. Not in the slightest!
“D-Did I say journey? … I meant that this was nothing but a stroll! Why, this barely counts as leaving my home! The royal capital is also where I officially reside.”
“It’s still impressive. After they’ve been outside once, most princesses just stay in their tower until they’ve become a tourist attraction for heroes.”
“A problem as dire as marriage. Most other princesses are content to allow their world to crumble until all that’s left are the remains for a farmboy to come and collect. That will not be my fate.”
Coppelia giggled.
“... Farmboys sure are difficult, huh? They’re either trying to rebel or rescue you.”
“Indeed, they’re the plague that cannot be stopped because they side with whoever’s weakest. Such insidiousness ensures they have most to gain after they’ve conquered all. We must stay vigilant.”
“I mean, isn’t it fine now that we fixed everything other than the smell?”
“It’s because we fixed everything that we mustn't waver. When all is fair, the ugly is remembered most. That’s why so many of my father’s portraits come with him wearing orange socks. If it turns out the next revolt is because I spurned a child offering me a muddy flower, I’ll only have myself to blame.”
“The last child we encountered, you banished to the hells.”
“Exactly. I ensured she safely returned home. That’s the sort of thing commoners expect and my suitors adore. But while I cannot do anything about the affection they harbour, I can at least erect a wall to ensure it doesn’t harm me. One made of gold so slippery they cannot hope to climb it.”
Coppelia raised her arms, twirling with a bright smile.
“Woooo! We’re gonna rob the woman who’s famously really hard to rob!”
I gasped at once.
“Coppelia, that is very undiplomatic! … What we’re going to do is levy the appropriate taxes for years of unchecked smuggling, inciting insurrection and refusing to purchase camembert at grossly inflated prices.”
My loyal handmaiden nodded several times, her look of innocence one that would let Granholtz know we were responsible while also saying nothing at all.
I was delighted. She was already well versed in all the nuances of politics.
“Question!” she said, keeping one arm raised as she lowered the other.
“Please go ahead.”
“Will the Grand Duchess actually be there?”
“Very unlikely. As a banshee, she’d be appalled if anybody saw her. They’d think she was less frightening than what she actually was. It’s also because heads of state rarely visit other kingdoms.”
“True, if she’s a strong banshee, she can just possess lackeys to visit for her.”
“Indeed, but she doesn't even need to do that. She’ll never allow a rival kingdom to go about its day without interfering. That counts doubly so when it comes to the highlight of the year.”
“Will the Grand Duchess open up a stall to compete for customers?”
“Worse. She’ll open a stall and then bribe everyone to visit. The Summer Solstice Festival is a hub where the wealthy, the ambitious and the important will gather. Many of whom are my own subjects. And few things delight a spider more than to gather all its prey into a single web.”
Indeed, she might not be muddying my festival in person, but she’d still be represented by her interests.
There would be bribes, deals and concessions. As a ruler who lacked only shame, the Grand Duchess would ensure that there’d be ample crowns and gifts of precious jewels to make even a foreign festival all about her.
Just as she did every year.
Unless, of course, it all mysteriously went missing.
Ohohohoho!!
Indeed, it was as genius as it was simple!
I would take advantage of the shameless cheek!
My royal capital would be swirling with all the wealth that Granholtz wished to parade. I just had to find it. Or rather, future me did, and there was nobody more reliable. Or forgiving to her past self.
… Fortunately, she’d also have Coppelia by her side!
“The scent of debauchery will be thick in the air,” I told her, grieving for the sacrifice her nose will make. “However, I’ve no doubt that the odour of greed will be greater. Wherever Granholtz is squirreling away their ill-gotten crowns, I’m certain we can find it.”
“Great! Can I keep the chests?”
“The chests?”
“I need a bunch of chests for my tower. I’m thinking about filling every floor with them. I want to make it really obvious at least one is a mimic. By the time intruders get to the last one, they’ll be so relieved they don’t notice Henry the Crab lowering from the ceiling.”
Hmm.
How curious.
Her not-a-dungeon was even importing residents from her hidden library.
On one hand, that was the most horrifying notion I’d ever heard. But on the other, it’d guarantee that I’d have somewhere to hide if the Grand Duchess’s wealth still proved insufficient.
“Of course. You can have all the chests you wish.”
“Yay~”
I smiled, then waited for the next question.
It never came.
“... Did you not wish to ask for more details about the plan?”
“Nope, I’m good. I already assumed the plan for robbing the most powerful woman on the continent was something that’d just come together later.”
“My, so diligent and thoughtful! You’re correct, of course! We need to take due care not to shackle ourselves. As you can imagine, prying a single crown from the Grand Duchess will require a great amount of flexibility. Needless questions are unnecessary!”
“Mmh~ I’m more curious about how you were allowed to leave again. Did you tell anyone where you were going?”
“Of course I did. I told my mother and father.”
“Eh? And they just let you go?”
“Of course. Unlike before, I’m hardly absconding. This is an official rite of passage. To secretly enjoy the Summer Solstice Festival is something every princess must experience. Naturally, I intend to use this opportunity to thoroughly inspect the quality of the food, the games and the events.”
“Uwaah~ we’re gonna slack while robbing Granholtz. They’ll never expect this.”
“It’s not slacking. It’s being thorough. We cannot rush into this. The Grand Duchess might be a banshee, but that also means her claws are very much real. So while we enjoy the stalls, we need to carefully watch our surroundings for any dangers.”
Thwunk.
Yes.
Just like the arrow landing just before Apple’s hooves.
I duly tugged him to a stop, then peered up at the branches of a willow tree hanging over the path.
Sadly, there was no drawn bow waiting for me.
It was something far worse.
A lute.
Pliiiiing.
There, smiling while lounging upon the branch, his back against the trunk, was the picture of a penniless bard. He wore a feathered cap and a tunic so colourful that nobody could miss while throwing their beverages at him.
There were just a few differences.
The naturally stooped back. The short tusks protruding from his mouth.
And also the lack of a crowd booing him.
The orcish bard lifted his lute in greeting, then offered a nod without bothering to move.
“Greetings, Your Highness. You’ve been ignoring my letters.”