Riley Ross

[NEWS ALERT – DING DING!]

Well howdy there, folks! I’m Kitty standin’ in for our lovely Lorraine while she’s out sick—bless her heart, and girl, we’re all sendin’ up a prayer for a speedy recovery.

Now, on to somethin’ a little less doom-and-gloom for once—let’s take a break from all them dark and dreadful murder stories and dive into somethin’ a little more... offbeat.

Word just came in that Mega Academy is movin’ their annual student visit to Phoenix’s Wrath Memorial up to the very first week of the school year. And if you’re sittin’ there askin’, "Kitty, what in heaven’s name is Phoenix’s Wrath?"—well, sugar, that’s the site where millions lost their lives in what can only be described as one of the most tragic, senseless acts of destruction caused by a beloved superhero gone, well... plumb crazy.

Now normally, them bright-eyed newbies don’t make the trip till they’ve designed their very first superhero outfit—which don’t usually happen ’til the end of their first month. But now? They’re gettin’ a front-row seat to history right out the gate.

This little field trip’s also become quite the public spectacle throughout the years, y’all. It’s the time when the brand-spankin’ new faces of our bright and proud America Mega Academy are introduced to the country, shakin’ hands and strikin’ poses before they even throw a punch in the super entertainment world.

Now, here’s the juicy part: Could this early visit have somethin’ to do with the string of super-related murders we’ve been hearin’ about? Is this the school’s way of sayin’, "Hey y’all, not all supers are bad eggs"—even though, statistically speakin’, about 70% of crime’s committed by folks with powers?

Mm-mm-mmm. This is getting interesting, citizens of the US and A. Somethin’ don’t sit right. What are they tryin’ to pull here? And if the students don’t have their flashy suits and secret identity masks yet, how in the world are they plannin’ to stay anonymous? I mean, if one of ’em accidentally goes shootin’ lightning bolts at a soda machine, y’all will know exactly who it is come graduation.

Maybe uniforms? Hmm. But y’know who else had uniforms? A certain group back in the 1940s, and I ain’t namin’ names, but let’s just say Megawoman handled that mess before it turned into World War III.

Anyway, I’m Kitty, and you’ve been watchin’ ABC-ZBN News, where the truth’s always hotter than your ex-husband’s new girlfriend.