Chapter 43 - Thirty-Seven
LEO
Erwin is in love with me. So in love that he can no longer make out what is right and what is wrong. And he doesn’t need to spell it out for me to understand. It doesn’t take a genius to understand the look in his eyes when he looks at me. Like we would rather the world burn if it means to have me. Like I am the only home he belongs to and he will never let it crumble.
He loves me and it makes me feel something I never felt. He loves me like the way every person dreams that their partner would. He loves me like the way I once wanted but I long ago gave up on finding that kind of love, since whenever I demanded that kind of love all I got was hate, betrayal and another nightmare.
But now when he is loving me it feels like a dream. A very beautiful one. Like it will all fade away when I wake up in the morning and I will be consumed by my nightmares once more. And I don’t want it. I want to stay in this dream even if it turns into a nightmare. I don’t care as long as it has Erwin in it.
I still can’t figure out the strange tingling feeling inside my chest whenever I spot that younger man. Whenever he calls out my name and whenever he smiles at me. Every time I see him, he makes my heart skip a beat and butterflies in my stomach go wild. What are these unwanted beautiful feelings? What are they to me? To us? I don’t know. I don’t have any idea. All I know is that I am attached to this man.
I can’t breathe when his scent doesn’t linger in my nostrils. I can’t relax when I can’t feel his warmth around me. I can’t even sleep when his arms are enveloping me in them. I have no fucking idea how am I supposed to live if ever the time comes when he is not by my side. I will die in the worst case scenario and I will go crazy in the best case scenario. And they both are as terrible as one can think.
And I have a feeling that the thing I most fear might happen soon. Because Erwin is up to something. Something that he is not telling me about. He has been waking up too late at night after I fall asleep and the maid in my house informed me the other day that Erwin leaves the house just after I am gone and returns before I am home. In one word he is sneaking around. He even has recently started to go to John’s place to teach Steve. But he is not doing anything bad and I know it in my bones. So, I asked him about it. He said he would tell me when the right time comes.
This shit has got my mind hanging in there for the past two months. I even sometimes find myself zoning out thinking about it in the middle of my work. And then my health has been acting weird for a few days now. I feel very nauseating whenever I see or smell food. I even threw up sometimes this week. Erwin didn’t notice it because I didn’t let him but he still is a bit suspicious of my abrupt mood swings.
What the fuck in the world is happening to me?
So, to find out just the question, I left my samples at the hospital for a few tests with Kevin. Now I am walking down the corridor to my best friend’s office to know my test results. Ruth currently has them and called me an hour ago to come and pick them up. So, I told Kevin off and came here alone after work. It honestly doesn’t feel right to have my ex walk around with me the whole fucking day.