Chapter 234: Trust
Tana’s question took me by surprise. My heartbeat accelerated, an anxious shiver traveling down my spine and tail, and I looked down, not daring to meet her eyes.
Tana reached across the table and took my hands, holding them tightly. She was so warm and soft, and I found a gentle, quiet strength flowing into me.
"If you don’t want to," she murmured, "I understand. But we’ve been together for so long, yet I feel like I hardly know you." Her voice broke, thick with emotion. "It hurts me when I see you wake up crying in the night, or when you look so lost and lonely. I want to help, to make you see that you’re not alone, but I don’t know how. Please, just tell me..."
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I turned away, a lump in my throat. I’d tried so hard to appear cheerful whenever I was around them, to hide my tears after waking up after a nightmare, or when my soul hurt so bad I couldn’t help but cry. And yet she’d known the whole time?
I flinched as she squeezed my hands, my tail quivering with emotion. I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t. If they knew...if they knew who I really was, everything would be taken from me. All of the peace and joy, everything I clung to so desperately. To trust is to hurt. If I hadn’t trusted Soltair, his betrayal wouldn’t have torn the life from my heart. If I hadn’t trusted Fyren, he never could have left scars so deep they hadn’t healed.
If I hadn’t trusted, I wouldn’t have....met Korra. Or Elise, or Thron, or any of the others who helped me survive just one more day. Trust brought me the light that shone through the darkness, whose power had sustained me through more suffering than any could imagine.
I thought again of Tana’s original question. The pure joy of regaining the Eyes of Fate had deprived me of my usual caution, and I allowed her to know something about me had changed. Perhaps, if it was just this much...
"Tana," I whispered, finally bringing myself to meet her gaze, grateful for her comforting touch. Were she not holding my hands, I was certain they would be trembling. Her expression changed, becoming a little brighter, more expectant, and I took a deep breath. "I...I’m sorry. I’m not who you think I am. T-This isn’t my first time learning magic, or casting spells. I’m not growing stronger, I’m recovering. My life was broken, and with it, my soul shattered into a thousand pieces."
"I already figured as much. No new mage can know the things you know. Arrays are new magic pioneered by the brightest minds in the world, and yet you had the confidence to create your own."
My breath caught in my throat. "You knew?"
She smiled, reaching up to brush away the single tear making its way down my cheek. "Even Sorrin suspects something of the sort, and he knows nothing of magic. But what happened to you? You face terrifying monsters as though they were no more than animals, but then you shake at the slightest sign of attention. You wouldn’t even let Sorrin near at the beginning."