Chapter 1: [1] Touch Grass, Jack Steelheart
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Pierre slumped deeper into his couch, the blue glow of his tablet illuminating his face in the darkened apartment. The clock on the wall ticked past 3 AM. Empty energy drink cans formed a small fortress around him. Three hundred fifty-eight Chapters. His friend’s recommendation had been enthusiastic. Evangelical, even. And based on that, he’d powered through 358 Chapters of "Pirate Lord’s Great Adventure."
Fuck, I have MMA in seven hours. I should sleep, but...
The screen went dark, plunging him back into the gloom of his apartment. Pierre jabbed it back to life.
"This is the last Chapter," he muttered. "Then I can finally sleep."
Captain Jack Steelheart pressed his face between Mermaid Princess Coral’s ample bosoms. "I can feel my Spirit growing stronger!" he declared as golden light emanated from her cleavage. "With the power of your Royal Mermaid Essence, I’ll definitely become the Pirate Lord!"
"Oh Captain!" Coral moaned, her scales glistening. "Take as much of my essence as you need! I believe in you!"
Pierre threw the tablet onto the couch cushion beside him. "What the actual fuck am I reading?"
He grabbed his tablet and opened the NovelFire app, navigating to the review section for "Pirate Lord’s Great Adventure." The novel boasted a 4.2-star rating across hundreds of reviews. The most recent ones read like religious testimonials:
"OMG Chapter 2156 was FIRE!!! Jack x Raven x Ninja Empress threesome was everything!!!"